But my stupid heart just can’t believe it anymore. He’ll feel trapped. He’ll resent me. “I think you should go to Italy.”
He lifts his head to stare at me. “Do you want me to go to Italy?”
No. Says my heart. “I think you should,” says my fear.
For a moment we just stare each other down. This is like one of the horror movies I made him watch all those years ago. We already know there will be carnage, but we can’t stop it from happening.
“Sadie,” he whispers. “You know you’re pushing me away.”
I do know, but I can’t help it. “Let’s go to sleep,” I beg. I didn’t mean to have this conversation tonight. But the idea that Liam would change all his plans to be with little old me? It’s bone chilling.
Because I know he won’t be satisfied. I just know it. Decker wasn’t satisfied and Decker’s an ass. How could Liam, this beautiful, wonderful man, want to stick around? And for how long? A month? A year? It’s not just me I’m fighting for here. It’s not just my heart. I’m fighting for my girls too.
Liam pats the pillow on the end of the sofa. “I’m going to stay right here, I think.”
“Why?” I blurt out.
He shrugs. “I can’t just curl up in bed with you right now and pretend that everything is fine. But I promised to make pancakes in the morning. And I always keep my promises.”
My heart gives a stab of pain. “Good night, Liam.”
“Good night, love,” he says.
My heart breaks right in two.
23 The Purpose Of Brunch Isn’t The Bacon. It’s The Epiphanies.
Sadie
Liam keeps his promise. With the girls, he’s terrific. He makes them each a gigantic pancake and let’s them decorate the pancakes with fruit smiles, blackberry noses, and whipped cream hair. He is tender, and present, and involved.
You can’t tell that anything is wrong, but it is. We’re fighting. That silent awful fighting. He wants to stay and I want him to stay, but I’m forcing him to go. And I don’t know why.
I do the only thing I can think of. I text my best friends. Any chance you can meet me for emergency brunch in an hour?
It only takes a moment before my phone glows with their response. Yes. and Hell Yes.
Once the pancake plates are rinsed and stacked in the dishwasher, Liam grabs his bag, gives the girls hugs, and then turns to me. The way he’s looking at me, I just...can’t.
There’s such disappointment in his eyes. I’m sure they’re a reflection of my own.
He takes my hands in his, almost as if he’s going to make a vow, and I get really nervous. “Sadie, I need you to really think about this. Not with your brain or your ‘I should’s’ or anything, but think about it with your heart. I’m not your boy toy. I’m a man who loves you and your girls. We can make this work. I promise you.”
Then he pulls me in for a kiss. It’s deep and real and it’s like he’s speaking to me without saying a word.
I watch him pull out of the driveway and then realize that he made me a promise.
And Liam always keeps his promises.
I can’t help the little smile that happens. It just does.
* * *
An hour later, my girls are at the trampoline park with Aunt Meg, and I’m with Ash and Brynn and baby Zach. Last time we were here together at Marie Catrib’s, I was nursing both Kate and Amy, at the same time. This time, It’s Brynn with the full boobs and a hungry baby. There’s a little ache in me, missing that sort of closeness with the girls.
“Your nipples are humongous. They just pop right out.” Ash is mesmerized. “I thought you said you had inverted nipples, though.”
“I thought so too. Turns out sometimes you can make them pop back out. It just takes a long time hooked up to this vacuum-type machine.”
“You call Zachary a vacuum-type machine? You need a better nickname.” Ash takes a sip of her espresso.
Brynn and I share a knowing glance. We’re both members of the breast pump club. We both know the secret handshake—it feels a lot like having your nipples twisted off. If Ash doesn’t get the reference, neither one of us is going to clue her in and freak her out.
I’ve ordered tea and I’m letting it steep. Sort of the way I’ve been steeping myself. I’m only half-listening to Brynn and Ash talk about the mystery of inverted nipples. Even as I push my plate away, a feeling rises up inside my chest.
It’s panic.
“I’ve fallen in love with Liam!” I blurt. “Not little love. Big love. Big, deep love. And he needs to go to Italy, but he wants to stay here with me, but if he stays and gives up his dreams, he’s going to grow tired of me and the girls, and it will be Decker all over again, but worse, because I only loved the idea of Decker, but I love all of Liam. All of him.”
Little Zach chooses that moment to let out an enormous burp. There’s a pause and then the three of us start laughing, because burps are funny even when your future is uncertain.
“There was a lot packed into that statement,” Brynn offers.
“Yep,” I say. “I’ve been thinking about it a lot.”
“Sooooo…let me get this straight. He loves you and he loves the girls and he wants to ditch Italy and stay here so...he can build a life with you?” Ash asks.
“Yes!” I cry.
“What a dickhead,” Ash says. “I mean how dare that douchenozzle recognize how awesome you are and love you for who you are!”
“And don’t forget the twins,” Brynn says. “He’s such a prick for loving them too.”
“I know,” Ash agrees. “Next time I see him I’m gonna grab him by the balls and give a twist. A little razzle dazzle of the old wrist, and those balls will spin right off.”
“Serves him right for loving our friend.”
I shake my head. I can’t help smiling a little. When they put it that way, it does sound like I’m being ridiculous. I’m complaining because Liam loves me and he wants to commit to me and...what exactly is my problem? Why can’t I jump in with both feet and no parachute? Why can’t I let him love me?
Oh right, because that never ends well.
Brynn is squinting at me. “Here,” she says. “Hold this.”
“Oh, no!” I say. “No you don’t!” But it’s too late. Zach is already in my arms. He’s been fed and burped and he’s all soft and warm and sleepy. His little starfish hands are pulled up under his little chubby chin and...for a split second I see my own baby, a baby that looks a lot like Liam. And I can almost hear my girls playing with a dog in the backyard. Liam comes inside from lighting the grill. He smells smoky and I can feel his warmth before he even touches me. He moves around behind me, shifting my hair away from my neck, kissing the skin there and…
“You little shit!” I whisper to Brynn. “You did this on purpose!” I try to hand Zach back, but she won’t take him.
“I just wanted you to think it through,” she says. “To imagine a future with Liam.”
“You never handed me a baby to see if I loved Braht,” Ash says.
“Well, yeah. You hate babies. You don’t want children. Also, I didn’t have one handy. But I knew you loved Braht. If I wanted to prove it, I’d have put a stock portfolio in your hands with Braht’s and your names on it.”
Ash shivers with a frisson of sexual energy. “Oooh,” she says.
“So...what do I do about this?” I ask, still confused. “I just let him, what, move in? Love me, love my girls. We get married. Get a dog. Have a baby together?”
Ash and Brynn look at each other. “Yeah,” they say.
“But what does he get out of the deal? He’d have to give up his fellowship to Italy. Why would he do that? Why?” I keep asking because I really want to know.
Ash looks at me and says in her no-shit tone of voice, “What does he get out of the deal, Sadie? Seriously? Don’t you know? He gets you.”
I shiver again. “But Decker…”
Both my friends sigh. “Honey,” Brynn says. “Decker wa
sn’t the right man for you.”
“I thought he was,” I argue.
“Are you sure?” Ash probes. “Did you look deep into his weasel eyes and see a part of yourself reflected back at you?”
Decker’s eyes aren’t really weasel-like. But I let that slide. I close my eyes and think of Decker. I see a man who wants to rub elbows with lawyers at a golf club. I see the Decker who left me. I don’t see the one I fell in love with.
Or do I?
It’s been a long time since I gave any thought to why I fell for Decker. We’d been married for five years when he left me. But we’d been together for ten. I met him in my twenties, when I’d been a dorky psychology grad student. I was holed up in the library all the time, feeling like a nerd and a loser.
Decker was already graduating from law school, with several job offers. He was a preppy career man. I was drawn to his ambition and his confidence. Not to his shiny watch or his golf addiction. Those I overlooked. Because…
Wait. Why the hell did I overlook it?
“Goddammit.” My eyes fly open. “I was drawn to Decker because I didn’t think someone like him would ever find me attractive.”
Ash smiles calmly. “And why was that a turn-on?”
“Because…” It’s hard to admit this. “I felt like a boring nerd with vampire skin. And he was out in the world already making things happen. That seemed sexy. At the time.”
“Hmm,” Brynn says, and a little smile teases the corners of her mouth. “And now?”
“And now I realize that was shortsighted.” And stupid. “Oh my God. I liked that he was shallow. I was sick of the emo boys who wrote me depressing poetry and talked about Freud all the time. Decker was a breath of fresh air.”
“There’s air between his ears, too,” Ash mutters.
“Listen.” I hand the baby back to Brynn, and this time she accepts him. “I gotta go.” I pull out some cash and throw it down on the table.
“But we didn’t do any of the real bonding activities yet,” Ash complains. “Sit down. We have a whole plan for getting you drunk later and giving each other facials. I already bought the avocados.”
“You two have fun! Love you both!” I grab my bag and then have Epiphany #3. I toss my car keys to Ash. “Can you drop my car off at my house? I have to run somewhere.”
“Run?” Brynn asks. “You?”
I nod. I’m going to run, because I’ve just had an epiphany. And an epiphany like this one calls for an epic run, or at least a two-block fast-walk, straight to the man of my dreams.
24 When You Want Something, Go Get It
Liam
I’m standing in my front yard staring at my house. I like this house. But I think it’s time to sell. After all, I’ll be away for months and months.
And after Rome, maybe I won’t come back. Who needs this town? My father is going to be a judge. A little distance from that, and from him, might do me some good. My sister is going to live in the U.K. I should follow her lead. Stay in Italy after my research is done. There’s just not much here for me anymore.
The house itself doesn’t really feel like home. Maybe someone else can buy it and fill it with a wife and kids. “You deserve that,” I say to my house.
“Come again?” says a breathless voice.
I turn around faster than the last living girl in the final act of a horror movie. And there is Sadie, standing on the walkway, looking sheepish. She’s also looking a little sweaty and breathless. Her hair is mussed. Her skin glowy. It’s a good look for her. “Hi,” I say stupidly. I left her house only two hours ago, certain that we were finished.
And yet here she is.
“Hi,” she echoes. Then she holds up a finger. “Just a second. I ran here, and...I don’t. Do. That.” I wait for her to catch her breath. She’s got something to say to me and clearly it’s important, or she wouldn’t have run. Then she says, “It was my own damn fault.”
“What?” I just blink at her. She’s wearing cutoff jeans and a tank top, which is basically the first outfit I ever saw her wear. There’s nothing fancy about it, but I swear she’s more beautiful than any woman who ever graced the cover of a magazine.
“My marriage was a disaster,” she says slowly. “But that’s my own fault. I just realized that today.”
“Wait, what?” I argue. “He cheated.”
“He did,” she agrees. “But do you remember my theory about plot twists and Psycho?”
This conversation is giving me whiplash. “Of course I do. I remember everything you ever said to me.”
Sadie looks up at the sky for a moment and sighs. “I’m such an idiot. I really am.”
“Tell me the thing about Psycho,” I prod.
“Right,” she says, beaming. “A plot twist isn’t just about surprising the viewer. It’s about the viewer surprising himself. At first you’re half rooting for poor Norman Bates. He’s trying not to be arrested for something his mother did. But then when you figure it out, it’s shocking because…”
“You’re rooting for the wrong character,” I finish. I thought Sadie was a genius when she first shared this with me.
I still do.
“I was rooting for the wrong character,” she says. “Decker was shallow. I knew that going in. You asked me what I saw in him, and I didn’t answer you.”
“Well…” I’m struggling to keep up with this conversation. “We were having sex. It wasn’t good timing.”
She grins. “The thing is, I have never found the right moment to think about this. Until today. But now I see it. I stuck with Decker because I wanted someone with expensive taste to like me.”
“Why?” That doesn’t sound like Sadie.
“Bad judgment,” she admits. “Insecurity. Boredom. Take your pick. And it was fun for a while, so I didn’t realize how badly things could go.” She walks toward me. “They went pretty badly.”
“Yeah. I get that.” I stand perfectly still in the grass, wondering if Sadie is here to break up with me for good, or whether I have any hope that we’ll come out of this together.
If I were a begging man, I would start begging right now.
“I chose badly the first time,” Sadie says. “But I won’t get it wrong again.”
“That sounds like a plan,” I say slowly. “You take your time figuring it out.” I want to reach for her. I want to hold her for as long as she’ll let me. But I won’t pressure her. I tried that already and it didn’t work. She’s got to come to me on her own.
Sadie shakes her head. “I don’t need any more time. I think I started falling for you the second you kissed me after our walk to the park. The girls were passed out in the stroller, and the sun was shining. And…” She swallows hard. “You’re amazing, Liam McAllister. I love you and I’m sorry I’ve been such a head case.”
She walks right up to me and leans her forehead against my shoulder. And then I just go for it—I cup her head in my hand and hold her against me. “I love you, too. Since I was fourteen. I know you think I’m going to stop, but my record so far is pretty good—fifteen years. You and me, we’re going to be a forever thing. I promise.”
“I believe you,” she says. “But it’s okay if you go to Rome first. And it’s okay if you go to Chicago instead. You make your plans. I won’t freak out.”
“Not even just a little?” I stroke her hair. She feels so good against me.
“I’ll try,” she says. “And if I start to freak out you can just kiss me until I remember why we’re making all these plans. Shouldn’t take much. One kiss or two.” She lifts her chin and smiles at me.
“Let’s practice now,” I say.
And then we do.
25 Eight Months Later
Sadie
I stretch out in bed, the soft sheets woven around my naked body. There’s a faint little knock on the bedroom door.
Okay, it isn’t that faint. “LIAM!” Kate yells. “Get up now!” There’s a knock again, only I’m pretty sure she’s doing it with her helmet. Sh
e doesn’t need that thing anymore, but now she wears it just for fun.
Ah well.
There’s a chuckle from beside me in the bed. I reach over and run a hand across his abs. Sometimes I dream about these abs. And now they’re here beside me.
Life is so very good.
“I’ll get up,” I tell him. “You sleep.”
“Nope!” he says, sitting up. “I’ve been awake for an hour now. I’m jet-lagged. So I’ve basically been watching you sleep.”
“That’s creepy,” I say with a yawn. “Or, at the very least, a waste of private time together.”
He slides out of bed with a chuckle. “Don’t you worry. I’ll get you alone later. Besides, do you really think Kate is going to let me sleep in?”
“I guess not.” If I got up instead, the girls would just stand outside the bedroom door and play loudly until their favorite person got up. They’ve missed him so much, too.
“Sleep in if you want,” he says, pulling a pair of briefs over his attractive backside. “I’ll keep the coffee hot.”
“It won’t be as good as an espresso in Rome,” I warn.
He turns around and gives me a smile. “Maybe not. But the company is better.” Then he takes three long strides toward the bedroom door and opens it up with a whoop. “Lordy! Who is this tall girl? And what have you done with Kate?”
I hear the kind of shriek that comes from being picked up and tipped upside down.
A few minutes later they’ve all gone downstairs without me. I can hear my girls chattering at Liam like a couple of magpies. Sleeping in won’t happen for me, either. Not when all my people are downstairs.
I linger, though, lying perfectly still, listening to all their voices in the kitchen. It’s funny to me how natural it is to have Liam here. And that this is now his home.
That part hasn’t really sunk in yet, even though I spent the last few days rearranging the guest room to become his office. And I moved my closet around to make room for his things.