***
That night when they made camp Marius volunteered to collect wood for the fire, but as he set off into the darkness, he realised that he wasn’t alone. He stopped and waited for his companion to catch up, and wasn’t surprised when Junius thanked him for waiting.
“I wanted to speak with you alone,” Junius explained. “I know that you saw us last night.”
Marius stopped. “How the hell did you know that? I was well away from you both.”
Junius looked abashed. “I smelt you. You were standing down wind.”
Marius suddenly realised. “So that’s why Fabia spoke to me today?”
Junius shook his head. “She didn’t know you were there. But she did notice you looking at her last night and realised that she wanted to be friends. She hates them as much as you do, even more, I’d say.”
Marius stared at his friend in the darkness. “That was unexpected, but I do like her, she’s got spirit. Why were you exchanging blood though?”
Junius licked his lips, an indication that he was anxious. “My blood is speeding her recovery. We thought at first it would preserve the traces left from her infection, but it didn’t. In fact, it had the opposite effect.”
“And you’re taking her blood? How? Why?”
Junius lifted his hands in surrender. “Marius, please don’t be cross. But it’s still inside me. It’s never left. I have to accept that it’s there and I have to live with it and Fabia’s helping me.”
“By letting you drink her blood?”
“I don’t like it, but I have the urge. It’s …” He stopped. “Marius, I don’t want to go back to them, it was horrible. Painful beyond belief, and then I lost myself.”
Marius eyes narrowed. “What do you mean?”
“I became Kin, that night whilst you were fighting. I was with Isher-Dan and I finally became one of them; completely and totally. But I lost myself; I forgot my name and I hunted whilst you fought for your life. I spied the fort and smelt you all inside, so I waited with them for you to come out and I was going to join them and feed on you. But as I watched, my memories began to come back and my body slowly began to return to what it had been before. Then I realised what I was watching and knew that I had to act. As half monster and half man I used the memories they’d given me and opened the weir. I should have died. There’s no way, Marius, that I could still be alive, yet here I am.
“And the pain and weakness I’ve felt recently hasn’t been because I nearly drowned, it’s been my body recovering from the effects of the Kin, exactly like what happened in Parthia. But it’s inside me still. It won’t go. And I have to accept that because I don’t want to go back to them and lose myself.”
“You became one of them?”
“Yes, Marius, I did. And I don’t want to again. This is the real reason I’m coming back to Rome. I don’t want to go through that every night and I don’t want to lose my soul or individuality or whatever you like to call it.”
“But you said that losing your humanity would make the long nights of pleasure less boring, you wanted that,” Marius told him, angry and confused at his friend’s confession.
“Yes, I did, and I found out what that was like. It’s worse than being bored night after night. Listen, Marius, I don’t want to be Kin. Finally, I know what I want and I would like to go home and see my family and friends.”
“But you’re saying that it’s still inside you, so what’s changed?”
“I know what’s wrong with me now. I can’t change it, but I can control it. Fabia’s helped, she understands and I can be myself with her.”
Marius shook his head in exasperation. “Junius, I want the truth now. I want to be able to trust you again. I haven’t been able to since you told me about Parthia and the trick you played to keep the Kin alive. I have no idea where your allegiance really lies, except obviously, to yourself. One moment you’re with them and the next, you’re helping us again and then, you confess, it’s really the Kin you’re aiding. Can you see why I’m confused and don’t trust you?”
Junius stared away into the night before answering. He took a deep breath. “Marius, since we left Parthia, I’ve known that something was wrong and you already know about the nightmares and problems I had sleeping. It was this feeling that there was something lying in wait inside me. And for that reason, when we came here… to join with them seemed the best solution.”
“But it’s not?” Marius cut in.
“No, it’s not. I have to face what they’ve left inside me and deal with it.”
“What is it? “ Marius asked scrutinizing his friend’s face in the darkness. He could see that Junius was finally telling the truth and it was hard for him to reveal and own up to so much.
Junius looked down, seemingly embarrassed. He bit his lip again, then glanced up. “Sex,” he said simply. “My desire for sex is linked to a craving for blood.” He shrugged and Marius stared incredulously at him. “It’s all right with the Kin because it’s what they do, but with anyone else, well, as you can imagine, it’s awkward. I tried to live chastely, you can vouch for that, but it’s difficult and hard to do, because well, the Kin leave their mark on you.” He stopped and waited, but Marius continued to stare so Junius carried on.
“I don’t like blood, Marius. In fact I hate it, but the urge is there. If I try to fight it, then all impetus is lost and that’s it, I might as well go back to sleep, but if I don’t then the fangs come out, the eyes change and I bite. Only a little, but enough to taste and satisfy the craving inside. After that it wears off. Fabia’s trying to help me learn to control it, so I can be with other women and they won’t notice anything untoward. It’s not every time, but… often enough,” Junius finished, clearly embarrassed by his confession and waited for Marius to speak.
Marius studied his friend, finally understanding something of the turmoil that Junius had been suffering. It was his turn now to give something back. “You’re not a monster, Junius. What you’ve told me doesn’t condemn you to an eternity with them in my eyes. I know you have an affinity for them, but you didn’t ask for this. Like me you were tricked. At least now, I realise why you empathise with them so much. They’ll always be part of you, but far more of you is human, you don’t want blood, you walk in the sun, take food and drink. There’s no reason why you can’t have a normal life like the rest of us.” To emphasise his point, Marius somewhat awkwardly put his hand on Junius’s shoulder as a sign of support.
Junius let out a deep breath and visibly relaxed. “Thank you, for your acceptance and understanding. I’ve no secrets from you now, Marius. That was what I was hiding. Maybe in time, I can try and live a normal life, but it’s still a work in progress at the moment. I think I’ll have to avoid marriage for the time being, to the annoyance of my parents, who no doubt will start making noises about that soon. In the meantime, I think that the rituals of Bacchus could be something worth exploring.”
“From what I hear, your urges might be quite tame in comparison to some of the others things that go on there,” Marius told him.
Junius smiled. “That’s what I thought. Marius, I’m sorry I didn’t tell you. But I was ashamed and frightened.”
Marius nodded. “I understand. Now we’d better get some wood before they wonder if we’ve been attacked by wolves.” They moved off into the darkness collecting wood from the forest floor, but after a while Marius spoke again. “What will you do when you get back to Rome?”
Junius bent down and picked up a fallen branch and examined it. “See what the Emperor says. If he changes his mind and agrees with my father that I should take up law, that’s what I’ll do. But if he lets me stay in the Praetorian Guard or sends me off soldiering somewhere else, I’ll accept that. I’ve had enough of defying my elders; I’ll do what I’m told and try not to draw attention to myself. What about you?”
Marius watched Junius select another piece of wood. “I think we’ve got enough for a good blaze. You’ve got the eye for it.”
>
“I can see almost as well as if it were daylight.”
Marius conceded the benefit. “That’s a very useful skill.”
“You haven’t answered, Marius,” Junius reminded him.
“I don’t know, but I quite like being in the guard. Though, you’ll need someone to help you keep your head down. You know that, don’t you?”
Junius glanced at him. “I hoped you’d say that, but I don’t deserve it, not after the trouble I’ve got us into these last months.”
“And gotten us out of as well.”
“That was you,” Junius admonished him.
“Even more reason I should look after you then,” Marius replied, grinning.