Chapter 19
Nikki
If there was one thing I learned about myself from the last few weeks, it is that I am not good at multi-tasking. I had taken four final exams, interviewed for two teaching positions in New York, packed all of my belongings, and made arrangements for the wedding ceremony. The wedding was going to be very small and intimate but there were still details that had to be taken care of, like making sure the chaplain would be available for that date and applying for a marriage license.
I was excited about beginning my new life with Ahmad. It would be a challenge to have him working and going to law school while I worked and helped to raise Corrie but it would be well worth it. I loved Ahmad and I wanted nothing in this world more than I wanted to be his wife.
The thought of becoming an instant mother made me more than a little nervous.
I began to doubt if I had what it took to be a good mother. My own mother struggled to gain balance between the two roles. Sometimes I wondered if she had just given up on even dealing with it. I didn’t want to be that kind of mother to Corrie. If Corrie had a problem, I would not bury my head in the sand and pretend not to see what was going on. It was important to me that Corrie and I develop a close relationship where she felt safe and loved. I wanted her to be able to come to me and talk about anything, and know that I would do whatever I could to help. Corrie wouldn’t have to worry about me trying to take the place of her mother, Kim. I knew that I could never do that. I wanted her to remember her mom in any way she felt was appropriate.
What will she call me? Nikki? Step-mom? I’ll let her decide. Remember, don’t push her.
With so many thoughts racing through my head, it was hard to stay focused on getting ready for the graduation ceremony. When my parents arrived, my father called to let me know that they were staying at a motel across town and they would see me at the ceremony the next day. He didn’t mention anything about the wedding and, frankly, I was glad that he didn’t. I absolutely had no interest in getting into a conversation with him about Ahmad because my father’s opinion about marriage or anything else meant less than a damn to me. The thought of Ahmad meeting my father for the first time had me a bit concerned. Ahmad did not hide how he felt about my father and everything that he had done to me. I knew how serious and passionate Ahmad was when it came to the role of a father in a child’s life and I had no idea how he would react seeing my abuser face to face.
I had taken Ahmad’s advice and sought counseling about the abuse. Although I’d had only a few sessions with the psychiatrist, she was helping me to effectively sort through some things. My decision to be open with Ahmad had helped as well. He was always willing to listen and be there when I needed a shoulder to cry on. Ahmad was an amazing man and I knew that I was truly lucky to have him in my life.
Sabrina and I were emotional wrecks as we dressed for graduation. We had spent the last four years together and it was going to be hard getting used to living apart. After graduation, Sabrina would begin working as a nurse at a hospital in Silver Springs and I’d be living all the way up in New York.
“Girl, what am I going to do for some juicy gossip?” I asked, wiping the constant flow of tears from my eyes.
“You’ll call me, just as you’ve always done,” Sabrina joked. Her eyes were just as watery. “Ahmad better hurry up and become that big time lawyer ‘cause these long distance phone charges are going to be crazy expensive.” “We could write,” I offered.
“Nikki, are you crazy? Writing letters are for people stationed overseas or in prison. I don’t think that talking on the phone once or twice a week will put either one of us in the poor house. And it is not like I can’t hop on I-5 and drive up to see your ass on some weekends. That is, if you’ll let me stay with you and your new husband and child for a few days. I know that some women are funny about that sort of thing.”
“Don’t be silly, Sabrina. You are welcomed to stay the weekend with us anytime. You know that. Now, let’s dry these tears and get ready to go before they start graduation without us.”
“I know that’s right. My parents will have a fit if I’m not there to march in with the rest of the class,” Sabrina explained as she looked in the mirror and applied one more coat of mascara.
The ceremony was long but well worth the cramp that had developed in my behind from sitting for hours on end. I had accomplished what no one else in my family had. I was a college graduate. When I had my degree in hand, I couldn’t help but to search for my mother’s face in the crowd. Her tears of pride spoke volumes over the applause.
Wow, I did it! I really did it! Thank you, God.
“I’m so proud of you, honey,” my mother said after the ceremony was over. She laid her hands on the gold sash that hung around my neck that signified that I had graduated with honors.
“Thank you, Mama.”
“I called Shannon again this morning to see if she could join us but no one seemed to know where she was. Your father and I planned to drive over there after we leave here. Can you ride with us and show us where she lives? I am really worried about your sister.”
No. I’m not about to waste my time. Shannon has made it clear that she doesn’t want to be bothered.
Before I could answer my mother’s question, Ahmad walked up and put his strong arms around my waist.
“Congratulations, Miss Suma Cum Laude,” he said, kissing my cheek.
“Congratulations, yourself Mr. Cum laude. Ahmad, I’d like for you to meet my mother.”
My mother was excited to meet Ahmad. When he reached for her hand, she grabbed him and gave him a hug instead.
“Mama, this is Ahmad,” I introduced. My father was standing right there but I didn’t acknowledge him.
“Ahmad, it is nice to meet you,” my mother said. She glanced in my direction as if I had forgotten something. I turned my head and ignored the implication.
“I’ll introduce myself since my daughter seems to have forgotten that we taught her better than that. I am Nicolette’s father, Reverend Hosea Evans. I understand that you plan to marry my daughter tomorrow. I think that is a bit presumptuous of you since you haven’t had a conversation with me, asking for my permission.”
I could see that Ahmad struggled to remain calm and civil. The expression on his face and his posture did a total three-sixty and I immediately detected the disgust for my father in Ahmad’s eyes.
“I would say that it is a pleasure to meet you, Hosea, but that would be a lie.”
Oh no! Ahmad went there.
“Excuse me, young man? Who do you think you’re talking to?”
“I’m talking to, from what I’ve been told, a pitiful excuse for a father.”
Ahmad didn’t blink when my father stepped closer to him. He just stood there. My mother’s face was frozen with panic. Neither of us knew what was going to happen next.
“Please, Ahmad, not here,” I said as I wedged my body between the two men. If Ahmad was going to confront my father, I definitely didn’t want it to happen in front of the entire graduating class of Georgetown University and their families.
“Nicolette, what have you been telling this boy? Have you been up here spreading lies about me?” my father asked as he angrily grabbed my elbow and pulled me to his face.
Ahmad snapped and pushed my father so hard; he fell flat on his ass on the floor of the coliseum.
“Get your fucking hands off her!” Ahmad yelled.
Everything and everybody stopped and focused their attention on us. I’d never been so embarrassed in my life. Sabrina quickly made her way over to where we were standing.
“Nikki, is everything okay? What’s going on?” she whispered.
“What’s going on is that Nikki’s daddy is a goddamn child molester,” Ahmad said, loud enough for more than a few people to hear.
“Oh my, God,” my mother said repeatedly, covering her face. I felt my own anger rise inside because my mother was hiding again just as she had done for so many
years.
“Nikki,” Sabrina whispered, louder this time.
“I don’t know what…” my father began as he struggled to stand but Ahmad pinned him to the floor by putting his foot in the center of my father’s chest.
“Let me make one thing perfectly clear to you, Rev. If you put your hands on Nikki again, ever, I will rip off those raisins you call balls with my bare hands and shove them down your fucking throat. Do you know what that means? Huh? That means that I will kill you, motherfucker.”
I knew that Ahmad was serious and that scared me.
“Come on, Ahmad. Please, baby, let’s go,” I begged.
More people had crowded around us and the three campus police officers were quickly making their way over.
Ahmad just stood there, breathing fire into my father’s shocked face before he decided to move. When Ahmad removed his foot, my father stood and rearranged his jacket and tie. He looked around at all of the stunned people that included seven members of his own congregation.
“Lies. All lies,” he said, pointing in my direction.
“Is there a problem here?” the young white officer asked my father.
“Naw, there ain’t no problem,” Ahmad answered, holding the stare of death he’d had on my father the entire time.
“Is that true, Mister?”
“Yes, it’s true. Everything is fine. Just a misunderstanding, that’s all,” my father answered. My guess was that he wanted to avoid any further embarrassment.
“If there are any more outbursts like this, we’ll have to escort the entire party off of the campus. Does everyone understand?”
We all nodded. Ahmad turned and walked over to his mother and Corrie, who had both watched this whole scene in horror.
The rest of us moved toward the nearest exit.
I can’t believe this.
“Molester,” Sabrina asked, following me. “Nikki, what in the hell is Ahmad talking about?”
“I don’t want to talk about this right now, Sabrina.”
It was time to go. What should have been a momentous occasion had become a three-ring circus. I should have known that something like this was going to happen.
“Nicolette, what time should we be at the chaplain’s office tomorrow,” my mother asked, sniffling.
What? Did you just see what happened? Do you think I want a repeat of this madness on my wedding day?
“Mama, I don’t know. Maybe it would be best if—”
“Don’t say that. Don’t say that. I don’t want to miss your wedding.”
“Why not? You’ve missed everything else.”
“What does that mean?”
Okay, you want to go there. Fine.
“Don’t stand there and act like you don’t know that what
Ahmad just said was the truth.”
“Come on, Estelle. We came all the way up here to celebrate
Nicolette’s graduation, not to listen to a bunch of lies.”
“Lies? You having sex with me, and countless other women, including my sisters, is not a lie, Daddy and you know it.” “Oh no, please,” my mother was crying again.
“Yeah Mama and you knew it was happening. Did you do anything about it? No. You didn’t do a damn thing about it. You just sat by and let him do what the hell he wanted to do to us and you said nothing. How can you live with yourself knowing what you know? You are our mother. Your only job was to protect us and you couldn’t even do that.”
I can’t cry. I can’t cry. I’ve put this off for far too long. I have to get this out. Confronting my parents will help me move on. I have to get it all out. This may be my only chance.
My entire body was shaking. Sabrina grabbed my hand and steadied me.
“Let’s get out of here. My own daughter will not accuse me of something so unspeakable. You should be ashamed of yourself. God is going to punish you for this, Nicolette.”
“He already did that when he gave me the two of you as parents.”
I knew those words hurt my mother when I saw her grab her chest as she entered the passenger side of the van. But those words truly expressed how I have been feeling all of these years. My parents drove away and I knew that would probably be the last time that I would see them. I should have been upset about that but I wasn’t because I had done nothing wrong. I only told the truth.
“Are you okay?” Sabrina asked.
“No.”
“What do you need me to do?”
“You’re doing it,” I answered as I looked down at our intertwined hands.
“Girl, I had no idea that you were molested. We’ve been friends for years and you never said a word about it.”
“Sabrina, it was simply too hard to talk about and it was embarrassing.”
“Ooh, you’re right. That ain’t a subject a person brings up to break the ice. The bottom line is that I’m here for you. You know? I’m here for whatever.”
I knew that she would be. I just didn’t know how to tell her. I had barely found the strength to tell Ahmad.
“Hey, baby, are you okay? I heard what you said to your mom,” Ahmad said, grabbing me from the back.
“Hello, Nikki,” his mother said.
I nodded my head. I didn’t think I would be able to speak without sobbing. Corrie was standing there and I didn’t want to be emotional in front of her. She had seen and heard enough.
“Is this Corrie,” Sabrina said, changing the subject.
“Oh, Sabrina, I’m sorry. Yes, this is my daughter. This is Corrie.” Ahmad quickly picked up on what Sabrina was trying to do and played right along.
“It’s great to meet you. You are a very pretty little girl.”
“Who are you?” Corrie asked, looking suspiciously at Sabrina.
“Corrie, this is Sabrina. She is Nikki’s best friend,” Ahmad explained.
“Are the two of you ready for tomorrow,” Ahmad’s mother interrupted with her thick Jamaican accent. “Tomorrow is the big day.”
“I’ve never been more ready for anything in my life,” Ahmad answered as he brushed a lonely tear from my cheek.
I’m ready, too. I’m ready to start my new life and leave this old one behind.