“This clearly isn’t about my boss,” I said quietly. “You want to talk?”
“Not really. I’m supposed to be helping you, not the other way around.” But her eyes were so sad that it made my problems seem small by comparison.
“Maybe we can do both. It would help me to focus on you, I think.”
“I am not okay,” she said shakily.
“I get that.” Standing up, I put my hand on her shoulder and guided her into the living room. “I’m not, either. But we can be broken together, right? If you don’t want to talk, we don’t have to. But if you’re flipping out and demolishing cars, I think maybe you need to. If not to me, then someone else.”
She bent her head so red hair spilled into her face. “There’s nobody else.”
“What about Jillian?”
“She follows the friend code I set down long ago. Don’t ask, don’t tell.”
Happy bounded between us, seeming to understand that we needed her equally. I put my hand on her head, rubbed the back of her neck just as she liked, and she closed her eyes in doggy bliss. Avery stroked her back. The silence seemed laden with unspoken, awful things.
Maybe it’ll be easier for her if I go first.
“I’m about to tell you something nobody else knows. Well, except the three guys involved, and I pray to God two of them were too drunk to remember. One was definitely sober, and if I never see him again, that would be okay. Which kind of sucks, because he and I, we were friends, before that night.”
“Lauren, you don’t have to—”
“No, it’s okay. I want to tell you. Not that many people know this about me, but...” As I had with Nadia, I laid out my issues, and this time, there was no accompanying burn of embarrassment, as if talking about it made it less shameful each time. The fact was, I shouldn’t feel so bad about emotions I couldn’t help or control. “So to cope with this shit, I started drinking at school. Not the usual college partying but an escape hatch, so I didn’t have to be me at all.”
“I stole my mom’s Valium for years,” Avery said softly. “And sometimes I thought about taking the whole bottle.”
“I’m glad you didn’t.”
A tilt of her head, as if I’d said something funny. “You’re probably the only one.”
“I’m sure that’s not true.” But from her expression, I shouldn’t take the think-of-the-people-who-love-you path through the woods, so I went back to my own story. “Anyway, there was this guy who was kind of into me, and he hated watching me self-destruct. Before I even knew how he felt, he tried to talk to me about it. I laughed him off. In fact, I got drunk and banged him, just to prove no matter what he said, he was just like everyone else.”
Her face didn’t express what she thought about that, thankfully. “How did it work out?”
“Not well. I spiraled further out of control. Until one night, we were both at a party, Max and me. I got so drunk, I had no idea what I was doing. Ended up in a bedroom with two guys. Max stormed in and got me out but the assholes jumped him, and there was this huge fight. I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with a threesome under the right circumstances, but it wasn’t a decision I made or something I wanted. And Max got hurt...because of me. It was a frat party, and they piled on, pounded the shit out of him. If not for him, I’d have ended up a cautionary tale—‘look how she was dressed, how much she drank, she was asking for it—’”
“Stop it.” Avery had both hands clenched into fists, tears standing in her eyes. “It’s not your fault. It’s not mine, either.”
“What isn’t?” I held my breath, wondering if she’d tell me.
“My uncle. I was eleven when it started.”
That’s why she pulled away from Nadia. My stomach clenched, and I fought down a wave of nausea, knowing I had to be strong for Avery just like I had been for Rob. “You told your parents?”
“It went on for years before I worked up the nerve. My uncle said he’d deny it. ‘Who do you think they’ll believe?’ But...my senior year, I got proof. I thought it would finally be over when I showed my dad.”
I wanted to hug her or maybe put my hands over hers, but something told me that would be a bad idea right now. “What happened?”
“He slapped me. Said there was something wrong with me for recording it. Then he smashed my phone and said nobody would ever know my shame.”
“I’m going to kill him.”
She managed a sharp, painful smile. “I thought about it. Before, when you said you were glad I didn’t eat a bottle of pills? That’s the thing. I did.”
“You were out for two weeks,” I said, remembering.
“Yeah. I went to a clinic in Omaha. My family said they’d leave me there if I didn’t come home and settle down, stop being dramatic. I was seventeen, I didn’t know what else to do. But it’s hell because I still see the bastard at family parties. He acts like nothing happened.”
“I’m surprised you didn’t run as soon as you turned eighteen.” But I’d never been in her shoes; I had no idea what it was like.
“I have a trust fund,” she said quietly. “My father controls it until I get married or turn twenty-five. I knew I wasn’t stable enough to handle campus life without melting down.”
“Like I did.” That much, I understood. Sometimes the devil you knew was best.
“Not what I was getting at, I wasn’t sniping, but...basically. So I got a job at the bank and played good daughter, marking time.”
“You thought Rob might offer you sanctuary and financial independence?”
“I hoped so. I want out of that house so bad, you have no idea. But I have to be careful or my dad has the power to cut me off.”
“Is there any reason for him to object to you moving in with a friend?” I asked.
“Who? Jill still lives at home, and there aren’t any decent apartments in Sharon. If I suggest moving out, he’ll demand to inspect the place and then say, ‘No daughter of mine will shame me by living in filth and squalor.’”
“I hate your dad,” I muttered.
“Me, too.”
“Move in here. Rob already suggested it, and now that I know your situation, I want you out of there yesterday. Does your mom know?”
“She pretends not to and takes lots of antidepressants. I’ve considered dumping them, so she’ll have to deal with the ugliness like anyone else, but she’d just get a refill.”
“Spend the night, then I’ll go with you tomorrow. If your father says anything, I’ll play the excited, ditzy blonde while strangling the urge to kick him so hard in the balls that he’d have to pull them out of his nose.”
Avery took a startled breath and then laughed. “I’d pay to see that. But...are you sure this a good idea? We’re both pretty messed up. I snapped and went after your boss, for God’s sake. Though I’m sure if they’d traced the crime back to me, my dad would’ve gotten me off the hook and then shipped me off to punish me for humiliating him.”
“No more of that,” I said firmly. “You make enough at the bank to live on and rooming with me is no reason for him to do anything with your trust fund. A few more years and you’re home-free. You can travel, invest the money or apply to the college of your choice. Like I told you before, you don’t need a guy to save you, not even Rob. You’ve come this far on your own, and you’re going to be okay.”
“You think so?” She sounded so dubious.
I nodded, putting my hand over hers. “And in the meantime, I’ve got your back. I’m not letting your horrendous family hurt you anymore.”
“How in the hell are you the best friend I’ve ever had?” she demanded in a choked voice. “I fucking slapped you in the Stop & Go.”
“So? I smacked you back and threw nachos at your head. One moment doesn’t define us, Avery. We can be whoever we choose to be. I choose
to be your friend.”
Happy raised her head and glanced between us with sleepy eyes, apparently troubled by the intensity of our tones, but she decided we weren’t upset with her and went back to sleep. That prompted a watery smile from me. Avery reached over the dog and hugged me. I held on to her, and neither of us cried. We’d done enough of that.
That night, we watched TV until we fell asleep on the couch. I woke up to a text from Nadia. Rob’s safe in Toronto. Thought you’d want to know. Jesus, based on my look at the map, I guessed he’d driven straight through. He must feel like shit. Well, it’s mutual.
Thanks, I sent back.
You okay?
Been better. Been worse. The night Max saved me from myself, for instance.
Avery stirred on the other end of the sofa. “What time is it?”
“Not quite nine. How’re you doing?”
“I feel like crap, and I have to pee.”
“Go ahead. Then let me brush my hair and we’ll get you moved.”
A frisson of fear flickered behind her green eyes, but she only nodded as she went upstairs. By the time she came out, I was ready to go. First, I fed the dog and patted her on the head. She had to be so confused with Rob leaving, and soon Avery’s presence would bewilder her more. It’ll be fine, dogs are adaptable, right? As long as I’m here to love her.
“I’m ready,” she said, squaring her shoulders.
It was amazing how put-together she could look after crashing on a couch. Before, I’d thought she must spend hours on her appearance, but now that I knew her, I understood her lacquered finish came from attitude as much as anything; it was the way Avery carried herself, chin tilted against the world as if daring it to take her on.
Since we’d been hanging out, I had dropped her off at her house more than once. I’d always thought the place had a creepy vibe, and now I knew why. I didn’t imagine I was psychic or anything but it wouldn’t surprise me if Avery’s misery had imprinted on the bricks. I parked the car and got out; I’d driven so they couldn’t try to keep her here. Her car was at the house, and I wasn’t leaving without her. I’d prefer for it to go easy, but I’d fight these assholes if I had to. Somehow I didn’t think her dad would let it get that ugly.
The neighbors might be watching, you fuckwit.
I followed Avery inside and up a curving staircase. When we were kids, I never visited because she was Nadia’s friend and I was kind of jealous and threatened by the whole thing, so back then, I always greeted Avery with a sneer and a lip curl. When they stopped talking, Nadia thought it was because her family didn’t have enough money. As it turned out, she couldn’t have been more wrong.
A maid came out of one of the bedrooms. I didn’t realize it was Avery’s until she went in. “I’ll only take what’ll fit in the car, my clothes and personal things.”
I nodded. “We don’t need furniture. You can sleep in the room I’m using as an office.”
The maid dropped something with a clatter and then hurried away. I tilted my head to glance into the hall. When I turned, Avery was already packing.
“We need to be fast. She’s reporting to my dad.”
“That is so fucking Victorian.”
But that was no exaggeration. Five minutes later, an older man with carefully dyed dark hair appeared in the doorway, wearing a smile that chilled my blood. “What’s going on, dearest? You should have told me you were bringing home a guest.”
“It’s my fault,” I said brightly. “I’m just so superexcited that Avery agreed to room with me. My housemate bailed on me, Thursday night, if you can believe it, and otherwise, I just don’t know how I’d make rent, and it’s such a great house, plus my mom just got married, and I’d die if I had to move home. Your daughter is just the absolute best!” Extrovert Lauren barely paused for breath, and I gave that performance maximum ditz, beaming up at him with such dim friendliness that he actually stepped back.
He cast a wary look at Avery. “So you’re doing your friend a favor?”
“It’s a lovely house,” she said calmly. “And I suppose it’s time. It will be a good test of my maturity, won’t it?”
I recognized the moment when Mr. Jacobs realized he was trapped. He couldn’t protest without it coming off strange, even to the goofy blonde. I mean, it wasn’t like she was proposing to move to Alaska with a drunken lumberjack. Rooming with a female friend in your hometown? Not the stuff scandals were made of.
“It’s just the two of you?” he asked.
“I have a dog. She’s so sweet but very protective. Don’t worry, we’ll be safe.”
“There’s also an alarm,” Avery said, smiling. I’d say she was enjoying this, finally taking back a little of her power.
“Your mother will be upset,” he finally said. “It’s such short notice.”
I blinked at him, pretending confusion. “But I told you, my housemate only left on Thursday. There’s no way to plan an emergency, sir.”
“I suppose that’s true. Well...good luck in your new place.” By his icy look, that wasn’t at all what he wanted to say, but I wouldn’t budge.
“That’s so sweet! Should I help you with the rest of your clothes?” I acted like I was oblivious to the tension, and that seemed to reassure her dad.
Yeah, she’s a good girl, she’s keeping your shitty secret. Not.
In under half an hour, we had all of her things packed up—well, the stuff she intended to take—and her father had the maid help us carry the suitcases down. They filled up the backseat and the trunk with some judicious Tetris-style packing.
As I pulled away from that horrible house, Avery broke down, crying into her hands. “I can’t believe that worked. I can’t believe I’m free.”
“We’ll be all right,” I promised.
Not now, but one day we would be. Hope opened like the first blooms of spring. While leaves might be dying all around us, falling off the trees, winter never lasted forever.
CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE
For the first month after Rob left, I stalked him online. I set up Google Alerts and I kept track of him long-distance. Nadia also sent updates because she knew I was still crazy in love with him, even if I was pretending otherwise. I drove his parents to the doctor a few times, and work was still fine because Davies didn’t know Rob was gone, and I saw no reason to inform him. Avery and I did pretty well together. Half the time, we hosted girls’ night at the house. She didn’t talk about her issues and I said nothing about Rob.
But in early December, I suggested the idea that had been chewing at me since she moved in. “You think we should see someone?”
“Like a psychic?” She was pretending not to get it.
“No, more like a therapist. I don’t want to medicate, but I need to get a handle on this, and I can’t live my whole life avoiding the things that freak me out.”
“And I clearly have some...feelings to process.”
I nodded. “We could talk to the same person, if it wouldn’t be weird, share rides, and then get dinner afterward. I don’t know about you, but it makes it seem less...drastic, if you’re in it with me.”
“That sounds like a good idea.”
After dinner, we got online and searched. Avery read over my shoulder while I eliminated people based on crappy websites. She added, “Nobody local. You know how word gets around in this town. There might be a confidentiality agreement but someone will see us go in the office, and my dad will mobilize.”
“Agreed. We can drive to Edison or Whitney.” I hesitated, unsure if I should ask this. “Have you thought about pressing charges?”
She didn’t ask who I meant. “Constantly. I even looked up the statute of limitations.”
“Shit. Has it been too long?”
Avery shook her head. “But the timing is awful, comically appallin
g. If the abuse happens when you’re a minor, there’s no limit to when you can file. But once you turn twenty-one, if you don’t report it in four years—”
“Then the bastard gets off scot-free. So if you wait for your trust fund like your dad wants, you also let the clock run out on prosecuting your uncle. You keep quiet and take the hush money or you blow the lid off and take your chances in court.”
A nod, as she pushed her food around her plate. “I weigh it constantly. I might be able to challenge my dad as executor of the trust, but if the criminal trial goes against me, it’s likely that any civil challenge won’t go well, either. I might end up dragged through the mud, lose my future financial security and come out with nothing.”
“While your uncle gets away with what he did.”
“That’s why I flipped out on your boss. They always seem to. I don’t have the power my dad does. You’re the only person I’ve ever told who believed me.”
I hesitated. “I can’t tell you what to do. You’re the one who will have to tell the story, over and over. But regardless, I think we both need some outside help.”
“How about this one?” She tapped the screen to bring up the website.
The design was nothing for me to complain about, simple and functional. I read the woman’s qualifications, along with her welcome message.
In our sessions, we’ll concentrate on you as a person, and I’ll help untangle the emotional knots so you can enjoy life again. Right now, that may seem impossible, but it’s not. Together, we’ll identify challenges, discover solutions and collaborate to make you feel whole. I have twenty years of clinical experience (background in psychoanalytic therapy), but I now prefer a more personal approach. Don’t fight this battle alone. Call my office to make an appointment today.
I glanced up at Avery. “What do you think?”
“That I’ll be scared, no matter who we call. She looks like she’d be easy to talk to.”