The look on Mia’s face was pure horror. My heart started racing and my hands went numb. When an alarm went off on the fetal monitor, Mia started crying. She was moaning and crying at the same time; it was so terrifying to see her losing it like that. All I could think of was that the baby was already two weeks early, and he was in distress, and my wife was lying there as scared as I was and in complete pain. Then it hit me, the thought that I could lose them both right there on that table. The fetal heart rate continued going down quickly. From the many books we’d read, Mia and I knew it was dangerously low. I squeezed her hand.
“Do something!” I yelled to the nurse.
Another nurse entered the room, still no Dr. Cho. I ran for a pair of latex gloves. I was going to deliver my baby, goddammit.
I looked over my shoulder and saw Mia grab the back of her legs. Yanking them toward her body, she began pushing on her own.
One nurse went to the end of the table while the other was preparing the baby station behind us. “That’s good. Keep pushing,” the nurse said.
“Are you going to catch him?” Mia could barely talk; she was practically hyperventilating.
“Of course I’m going to catch him, sweetheart.” The nurse, who was preparing to catch our son, was a very petite woman.
Between Mia’s legs, I could only see her from the shoulders up. Although I was relieved I wouldn’t have to catch little Junior, I kept my latex gloves on just in case.
Martha entered the room, thank God. It should have been the doctor. I didn’t know what was taking Dr. Cho so long, but I was happy Martha was there. I held one of Mia’s legs back and Martha held the other so Mia could lean forward and push with everything she had.
With her other hand, Martha brushed the hair out of Mia’s face, but she didn’t say anything. The room was completely quiet except for the whimpering and mewling sounds Mia was making. At one point Mia screamed.
“His head is out,” the nurse said.
From where we were standing, both Martha and I could see the baby’s head. He was completely blue. I started to cry.
“One more push,” Martha whispered to Mia in the gentlest voice I’ve ever heard.
I think I finally understood why Mia wanted her there so badly. I watched the nurse pull the umbilical cord off our baby’s neck. It was wrapped so tightly that it left a large, red indentation on his new skin. It was one of the saddest moments of my life that I will never forget. I wondered how I would comfort Mia after such a tragedy. She would think it was her fault. Even though I’d watched her battle on, so selfless and determined to do the best by that baby, who would never get to thank her, Mia would blame herself for eternity. It’s in those moments that you realize how brutal life can be. I told myself that I would have to be strong for her. That’s what “through good times and bad” means.
Mia bent forward once more.
“Almost there, baby,” I said to her as tears fell from my eyes and onto her cheeks.
She nodded but didn’t make a sound as she pushed with the last bit of energy she had. Her face was red and covered in sweat. Martha released her leg, so I did the same. The moment our baby boy was out, they swooped him away to a plastic basinet under a bright light and monitor.
Mia crashed back down onto the table. “Go check him,” she cried. That’s all she was concerned about.
I hurried to the bassinet with the two nurses crowding him and now a neonatal doctor was also there.
The doctor was rubbing his body vigorously and saying, “Come on, little guy.” She squeezed one puff of air from a ventilator into his mouth while a nurse was pricking the bottom of his foot, and then I heard his voice for the first time.
My first thought was thank you, Lord, Jesus Christ, Buddha, Mohammed, Infinite Spirit, Holy King, and all the rest, I will never use your name in vain again, thank you! And then, I’m not gonna lie, my next thought was my son can sing; he’s got pipes, yes!
The moment he opened his eyes, he looked right at me and stopped crying on the spot. He cooed and I’m not one of those dads to brag or anything, but I swear to God he smiled—earliest smile on record.
They wrapped him up and handed my perfect child to me and said, “He’s gonna be okay.”
“Bring him over, Will,” Martha said. She pulled Mia’s gown down in front, exposing her breasts, and then she instructed me to unwrap him and put him on Mia’s chest.
“Oh, oh, oh. Hi, baby,” Mia said to the slimy little guy as she began to cry. All the pain and anxiety was gone. There she was, lying naked with her legs up in stirrups with our tiny, crying baby on her chest, and it was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
I bent and kissed her forehead. I couldn’t stop the tears spilling from my eyes. “You did it. You were amazing. I love you so much.” I sobbed.
“I love you too!” she said.
That’s when Martha lost it. She hugged both of us over the bed. “Remember what I told you?” she said through tears.
“Yes. We have everything we need right here, between us,” I replied.
Mia looked up at me, her eyes still full of tears. “We’re a family now.”
I kissed her lips softly. “Yes, baby.”
We’re getting ready to go on the road. I’m excited to go cross-country with the boys. Oh, we’ve grown, by the way. Now Will and I have two sons, Allen and Dylan. They’re three and two years old and they’re maniacs, literally bouncing off the walls most days. Will says we should get them out to see the world, so we’re going to play a few small venues here and there. We have a couple of band members going on the road with us, but mainly it’s a family trip.
When we play music onstage, we give the boys either tambourines or shakers, and then we put big headphones on them so we don’t damage their hearing. We try to play just loud enough to drown out any sounds they’re making at the front. It’s a lot of fun and they’re learning. Will always says, “The family that plays together, stays together.” I wouldn’t have it any other way.
Will’s neuroses calmed a great deal after the births of our boys. He had a few panicky moments, but once he settled into being a father, I knew he would be the best. He changed diapers and burped the babies for those many months in the early stages, and then when the boys got old enough to start on instruments, I saw Will truly light up. He’ll sit at the piano with Allen or Dylan on his lap and sing along to the funny melodies they invent.
There are hard times, don’t get me wrong, but I haven’t forgotten what I learned so brutally a few years back when Will and I first met. I learned that you can’t predict your future, there’s no crystal ball or formula for happiness. You can’t control the weather just like you can’t control the way others behave, but what you can control is how much love you give. Surrendering to this crazy thing called life is hard, but we don’t have to be the soulless sheets of paper tarrying along in the wind. We can find our people, love, respect them, and then hang on for dear life because it’s not where you go on this journey but who you’re with that matters the most.
Dear Reader,
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I kicked my shoes off and rolled up my dress pants, then followed him to the edge of the pool where he set two towels down. He rolled up his jeans and sat gracefully before dunking his feet into the water. My fingers twitched with a desire to smooth back the disheveled hair that had fallen into his face. I watched intently as he reached up and
ran his hand through it, displaying the flexing muscles in his arm. I couldn’t take my eyes off him. When he handed my wine over, he noticed me staring.
“What?”
“Nothing.” I shook my head. Looking down at my hands, I mumbled, “I just want to forget about everything for a little while.”
“Really?” He looked excited when I nodded. “I have a great idea.”
I dipped my feet in. The water was very warm, like bathwater. It instantly calmed my nerves.
“What’s your idea?”
“Well, curious Katy, I’ll show you.”
He jumped up, ran to the gate, tinkered with something, and everything went off. The lights in the pool and all around the patio area, even the waterfall went off and it was silent. I could see steam pooling on the surface of the water. In the sky a million more stars became visible. I sipped my wine and then heard Will Ryan’s soulful voice funneling softly through the outdoor speakers. Jamie appeared at my side.
“I love this guy. He’s so good,” I said.
“Yeah, he’s awesome. He and his wife are playing at a little local bar on Saturday if you want to check it out with me?”
“I’d love to if I’m still here.” I finally looked up and noticed that gorgeous Jamie was shirtless and undoing his belt buckle. Even in the dark I could see the sinewy muscles of his arms and his defined abs and chest. “What are you doing?” I whispered loudly, fighting to keep my voice low.
He smiled playfully. “We’re gonna get your mind off things and take a little dip.”
“I’m not!”
“No? Come on.” He yanked his jeans off and leaped into the pool, wearing nothing but a pair of dark-blue-and-gray-plaid boxers.”
When he surfaced, he held his boxers above his head, dangling on a single finger, and spun them around like he had done a striptease. He flung them toward me and they landed just to my left.
“Oh my god! I can’t believe you just did that.”
“What? You can’t see me. Anyway, I know you have the crazy in you. You’ll be in here in no time.”
“Oh, how do you know that?”
“The pretty ones are always a little cray cray.”
“You think you’re so smart, don’t you?”
“You have no idea,” he said with no trace of humor. “Just get in here, Katy. I promise I won’t look.”
At that point, it’s fair to say that I was drunk, completely and utterly drunk from the wine, and Jamie’s presence was doing nothing to sober me up. His long, wet hair was leaving little glimmering droplets on his shoulders. I giggled. “Turn around, and you better not peek!”
“I promise.”
He waded to one end of the pool and turned his back to me, at which point I quickly stripped down to my black bra and panties. Looking down, I thought they could easily pass for a swimsuit except that they were silk. Oh well.
As quietly as I could, I slipped into the pool on the opposite end of where Jamie stood. There was at least thirty yards between us. The pool felt amazing. I relaxed for a moment and then realized I was in a pool with a naked man I’d just met, a very attractive naked man.
“Okay, I’m in, Jamie, but keep a safe distance.”
He turned around, grinned from ear to ear, and then disappeared under the water.
Good God, what is he doing?
I was suddenly very nervous; a small part of me was actually frightened. If it weren’t for Will Ryan’s sweet words pumping through the speakers, I would have been terrified. His hands on my hips didn’t startle me at all because I could feel him getting closer. He rose out of the water, his warm hands gripping my waist. He wasn’t smiling; he was searching my eyes. I looked around quickly and then back to his shoulders and rib cage as he lifted his arms and slicked his hair back with both hands. I could see his tensing neck muscles. There was very little stopping me from licking the drops of water off his arms. I closed my eyes as he closed the gap between us. I felt his mouth brush my neck and then move toward my ear. “Baby, open your eyes.”
“I…”
“I know. You have a boyfriend.” One side of his mouth turned up. He moved back a few inches. “We can be friends though, right?”
“Yes.” I sighed.
“You were crying earlier. Why?’
I shook my head.
“Please tell me it wasn’t because of how RJ treated you?”
“No.”
“Then what?”
“Remember, I just want to forget everything.”
He nodded, looking away for a second. “Are you ticklish?”
“Don’t you dare.”
He laughed. “Well there is one thing I know…”
“What’s that, smart guy?”
He put his hands on my hips again and I let him, even though I knew it was crossing the line. It felt so good, like being enveloped by warmth and security.
His mouth turned up into a knowing smile, and then he said, almost wistfully, “Just friends is going to be hard, but I’ll try. It’s just that I like you. You’re witty and sweet and you happen to be the most infinitely beautiful woman I’ve ever met.”
I sucked in a startled breath. He paused, looking all drowsy with desire before opening his mouth to speak again.
“Don’t,” I murmured.
“It’s not hyperbole, Katy. I promise.”
Giggling nervously, I slowly sank beneath the water, thinking Jamie was out of his mind. I never would have described myself the way he had.
But then again, I had allowed Stephen to make me feel like I was barely worth coming home to . . .
Visit http://reneecarlino.com/books/nowhere-but-here/ for Nowhere But Here pre-order links.
I am grateful with all my heart for the unwavering support I’ve had from friends, family, readers, bloggers, and fellow authors. THANK YOU for reading Sweet Thing and writing about it and telling others about it long after the release. I don’t know if I would have continued this story if it wasn’t for your generous encouragement.
Getting back to Mia and Will was such a treat. They lived deep inside of my soul while I was away and that’s where they’ll go now, to live and love each other forever. Thank you for reading and being a part of this journey with me.
Chris Wojdak, thank you for bringing your talent to the project. I had so much fun watching you work. I’ll be your assistant anytime!
Christina and Jhanteigh, you’ve both been great sounding boards on this and I appreciated your expertise through the process.
Gretchen de la O, A.L. Jackson, Emmy Montes, Toni Aleo, Julie Prestsater, Rebecca Shea and Hadley Quinn, what would I do without my weekly laugh with you girls? Thank you for being there when I needed a giant virtual hug.
Carey Heywood and Christina P, thank you for your helpful feedback and willingness to read at the drop of a hat.
And of course to the Rami’s, for the many books worth of material you’ve given me and for happily being early draft readers.
Sarah Hansen, thank you for your great work, patience and for helping out during that small shit storm we had.
Zoe Norvell, thank you so much for sharing your talent with us.
Kim, Kylie, Joanna and Kim J, glad to have you girls to bounce things off of and to have a laugh with every now and then.
Anne Victory, thanks for working tirelessly and being flexible even though I’m always the last-minute girl.
A big thank you to Dawn Robinson for her support and for doing a fantastic job of last minute proofing.
Brandyn and Denyse, you made our dream cover a reality. You are not only stunning but professional and a joy to work with, thank you.
Ellie, you found us our Will. Need I say more? Thank you.
Katy Evans, thank you so much for your support and for reading the early draft. You’ve been such a great mentor to me.
Melanie, Brenda, Kaitlin, Sara, Kandace, Megan, Melanie, Cyndi, Stacey, Evangelina, and the babies, thank you for helping with the cover shoot and being a part of that fu
n day.
To my Ya Ya’s: Heather, Katie, Angie, Rebecca, Carla and Noelle, thank you for the many years of inspiration and for nourishing a supportive group that values strength and leadership in women. Your encouragement has meant the world to me.
Heather, what would I do without you? You’ve been amazing and that isn’t the half of it. Thank you for reading anything and everything I send you, even if I’ve written it in my sleep. You’ve been an awesome support, cheerleader, friend, and expert in this world. Love you and thank you.
To my boys, who are regularly subjected to my bizarre ideas and strange music choices, thank you for belting the songs out with me at the top of your lungs.
Anthony, it would be very hard for me to write a good hero if I didn’t know at least one that existed in real life. Thanks for riding the wind with me.
Renee Carlino, Sweet Little Thing
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