Leaning in, she whispered, “Bet you’re wishing you had a red bandana right about now.”
“You have no idea,” I said to her. “You’re the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen.”
“I’m a spectacle out here. Look around.” She laughed. “This was all for you, baby.”
The group of family members began to stir while we had our quiet exchange.
When Mia jutted her chin out to give me a peck, Tyler finally interrupted. “No! You can’t do that yet.”
Everyone in the group chuckled.
Tyler cleared his throat. “Family and friends, we’re here today to celebrate Mia and Will and the love that they share. They’ve asked us to be here to witness the joy of their union.”
At that point, it’s fair to say that I stopped listening to Tyler. All I could think about was Mia. I saw, like in a film reel flashing in front of me, the last year of my life. I watched the heartache and the happiness and the moments of unrelenting bliss when we were in each other’s arms. I thought about every mundane moment that makes up that gray area of a person’s life. It’s the hour or two a day that you clean your kitchen or watch TV or do the laundry. All my gray moments with Mia were colored in: chasing her around the Laundromat, spraying water on her from the kitchen sink, or messing around with her on the couch while we spent whole days watching reruns of The Office. I looked forward to the rest of my life, even if the rest of my life only consisted of the humdrum day-in, day-out bullshit, it didn’t matter because Mia turned the most unremarkable moments into moments I cherished.
“Will?” She breathed out, her face paralyzed with terror.
“Yeah?”
“Your vows, baby. Aren’t you gonna say your vows?”
Oh my God, poor Mia thought I was getting cold feet.
“Yes, my vows, okay.” I cleared my throat. “Mia, you’re my best friend and that’s not some clichéd crap a guy says to a girl. You really are my best friend. You’re funnier, smarter, and prettier than Tyler, and you smell way better.” I paused as everyone laughed. “But seriously, something came alive in me the day I met you. It was so strong a force that I knew completely and with all my heart that you would be in my life forever.”
Mia’s eyes filled with tears. Her cheeks turned pink, her eyes grew wide, and she smiled so serenely I began to get choked up myself.
I took her hands. “Mia, I promise that I will never stop loving you, laughing with you, playing music with you, crying with you. I promise I will never stop dancing with you and cuddling you and bringing you chocolate and wine.” I wiped away the tears that fell from her eyes. “I’m yours forever and I choose you to be mine.”
“Will,” she began in a cracked voice. “Your love is so pure and real that I can feel it in your fingertips when I touch you. I can see it in your eyes and the way you smile at me. I’m so in love with you because you are the most genuine, kind, and loving human being I have ever met.” She leaned in and whispered, “And you have nice abs.” We both chuckled and then she continued. “You’re the smartest, coolest, and most talented guy I know. I promise that I will worship you better than any groupie ever could. I will love you, Will Ryan, until the day I die. And I will be your best friend too.”
Tyler couldn’t get a word in before I crushed Mia’s lips with mine. The crowd clapped. We walked around hugging and kissing our family members and friends. Mia’s mom cried, which was unusual for her.
Jenny had insisted on hiring a photographer to document the event. Mia and I had fun doing silly poses with all the kids, and then when it was our turn to take photos alone, we couldn’t keep our hands off of each other. I dipped my head down and nuzzled my face into Mia’s neck. She linked her legs between mine and we let the photographer snap away while we stood there embracing each other under the Brooklyn Bridge.
When it was time for us to leave, everyone threw birdseed at us, which was weird, but apparently it’s illegal to throw rice because it chokes the birds. They gave all the little nieces and nephews the bulk of the birdseed, so you can imagine the scene as Mia and I scurried to the limo. They were throwing birdseed almost directly into our faces, so not only were we swarmed by birds overhead, but we were spitting out birdseed and wiping it out of our mouths the whole way to the car. Something always has to go wrong at a wedding, and all things considered that wasn’t the worst that could have happened.
Inside the limo, I gave the driver our address.
“Why are we going back home?” Mia asked.
“I have a surprise for you.”
“Well, I have a little surprise waiting for you in the studio, so I guess we might as well stop in there too.”
I squeezed her hand. “Were you in there this morning, you sneaky little mouse?”
“No, why?”
“So you didn’t see my present to you?”
“No, actually I gave my mom the key so she could leave my gift to you down there. I was going to give it to you tomorrow.”
Before putting up the privacy screen, I told the driver to drive around for a bit and then I got on my knees in front of Mia and slowly pulled her garter off with my teeth. She opened her legs just enough for me to spot her light blue, lace panties.
“Is that superstitious or traditional?” I said to her in a low voice.
“I just thought you would like them.” She shrugged. “You can ditch them if you want.”
See, this is why I married this girl. The beauty of Mia’s early ’90s throwback dress was that I was able to very easily slide her panties down.
She patted the seat on her left. I moved and undid my fly faster than John Holmes. She reached in, took a hold of me, and started stroking.
“Mmm. You are my naughty little wife now.”
She leaned in and whispered near my ear, her breath hot and minty. “I just want to fuck my husband, that’s all. Can I do that now?”
Oh. My. God.
“Uh huh, sure. By all means, please do not let me slow this show down for one more minute.”
She climbed onto my lap, and then a moment later, I was buried inside her. She moved slowly and sensually at first. I reached over and turned the volume up on the stereo. “Ball and Biscuit” by the White Stripes was playing.
“Did you plan this?”
She began moving faster on top of me, panting hard and whimpering. “Yes.” She breathed loudly.
I braced the back of her neck and kissed her hard. “You’re so fucking rad.”
“Everything is rad.” She cried as she tried to steady her breath. I felt it coming. I heard it coming, that part in the song, about a minute forty-five into it, which just happened to coincide perfectly with what we were feeling, the building up, the sensation of reaching that peak. Right when the guitar shredding started, I flipped Mia over on her back, across the seat. She instantly placed her heels on my shoulders. I reached down and forced the front of her thighs toward me so that I was in as far as I could go, and then with my thumb I pressed down into her and began making circles in her flesh while I drove harder and harder. She was bucking against me; her eyes were closed, her mouth open, her back arched and her neck strained. The back of her head was completely pressed hard into the seat. She was bracing herself on the door behind her.
I slowed.
“Go,” she yelled. “Go,” she cried. “Fuck me.”
Oh my God, I get to do this all the time. I picked up my pace and then something else took over. God, if I could have crawled up inside her, I would have. The warmth I felt around my dick was flooding my entire body. Her dress was bunched under her and up around her head, but she couldn’t care less. My sweet, piano-playing Mia, all sex-crazed and unashamed. Her mouth was open as far as it could go, but no sound was coming out. I watched her in wonder; all I could hear was the screeching of the electric guitar and then finally when I did hear her, it was unintelligible sounds of rapture. I was feeling some sort of delirium when it was all over with. I was as motionless as could be, on my knees, still hold
ing her legs around me. She opened her eyes. She looked ravished, pink from the cheeks down.
“I love you,” she said, looking right in my eyes.
I leaned over her and kissed her sweet mouth. “Let’s never leave this limo. Let’s just wither up and die here. I’ll starve to death in this limo with a goddamn smile on my face.” I nipped at her lip and then her neck. “You are a sexy little thing, by God.”
She giggled and then something occurred to me. I can’t actually say that it occurred to me, it was more like it shot me point-blank with a freakin’ bazooka. It was the image of my tiny baby cocooned inside a balloon of amniotic fluid, right there in the spot that I was so cheerfully jabbing my dick into. I suddenly felt light-headed. I began to sway as I hovered over Mia.
“What’s wrong?” She was squinting at me and repeating the question. “What’s wrong? What’s wrong, Will?”
Her voice became frantic, but I was unable to find my own. She pushed me back against the seat and leaned over me, searching my eyes. She put her hand to my cheek.
I braced her hips with my hands and looked down at her belly. Finally my voice cracked and I said, “Are you okay?”
“Of course I’m okay.” She took a deep breath. “What just happened to you?”
“How can that not have hurt the baby?”
She stared into my eyes for several moments. Her demeanor changed. I could see anger boiling behind her big hazel eyes. “Jesus, Will, your neurosis is getting really out of control. It’s going to start affecting your health; you have to calm down. You need to get your anxiety in check. Whatever you need to do to stop this constant catastrophizing, you should do it.”
“Thanks, wife,” I said sarcastically.
“I’m sorry. I just thought you were having a heart attack. I mean, you turned gray on me. I thought I had killed you with sex.”
“Now who’s catastrophizing?”
“I don’t want to fight on our wedding day.” She pressed a button, lowering the privacy screen, and then asked the driver to head to our loft.
I spoke to her in a low, defeated voice. “It just seems weird that it wouldn’t hurt the baby.”
She took my hand and finally her expression turned sympathetic. “The baby is tucked away in there and very safe. Your dick, although very big, honey, is nowhere close to reaching the baby.” She was protecting my ego. “This is natural. You asked me to be open and honest with you, so I will. I thought once I became pregnant that the idea of sex would sound revolting, but it’s actually the opposite. I’m super horny.” She whispered the last part.
“Oh yeah?” My voice got high.
“Yes, and you shouldn’t worry. Back in the day, people didn’t even know they were pregnant at this stage. I love your concern, I do.” She kissed my nose. “But you’re going to kill yourself worrying like that.”
“Okay,” I mumbled just as the limo stopped in front of our building.
We pulled our ravaged selves together and headed into the studio. I walked behind Mia into the control room. The most gratifying feeling in the world was watching Mia’s reaction when she looked through the glass and saw the Steinway.
“Holy shit,” she mumbled. “You bought the Steinway.” It wasn’t a question.
I stood behind her and wrapped my arms around her waist.
She immediately turned and looked up at me with the most serious look on her face. “You are so getting a blow job tonight.”
This horny pregnancy thing is not so bad.
I nodded. “I’m okay with that.”
“Wait a minute,” she said excitedly, “You’re gonna die when you see what I got you.”
“I hope not.”
She punched me in the arm and then grabbed my hand and pulled me along. Walking behind her, I noticed that her hair was a total mess in the back from our little limo escapade. She had taken it out of the bun and crazy pieces were going everywhere. I laughed as she led me into the sound room.
“What’s so funny?”
“Your hair looks a bit…well, it looks a little…” I tried to pat the back down, but there was so much hairspray coating each strand that it wouldn’t budge.
“Through good and bad, honey, remember?” she said with a coy smirk. “Anyway, you’ll forget all about my hair when you see this…”
She moved away from one of the guitar stands, revealing an Ebony Les Paul. Upon further inspection, I noticed there was a signature. My eyes watered; I shook my head in disbelief. It was an electric guitar signed by Jimmy Page. I picked it up and it was like I was holding the holy mother-fuckin’ grail. In twelve seconds flat, I discovered the meaning of life while holding that guitar. I turned to thank Mia and found her donning a shiny gold halo and angel wings.
“I knew it. This is heaven, right?” I said to her.
She laughed. Okay, she didn’t really have wings and a halo, but she was as angelic as I had ever seen her, with her tousled hair, pink lips and white dress. It also didn’t hurt that she had just bought me my eternal wet dream.
“Not that this day could get any better, but what would it take to get your glorious little ass over to that drum kit?”
Mia rarely played the drums. She didn’t play them very well either, but I needed a drummer and she was the only one around. She kicked off her heels and skipped over to the stool as I plugged in my new precious baby.
“Which song?” she asked. There were plenty of good reasons why Mia didn’t normally play drums. For starters, she held the sticks awkwardly. Actually, I’m being generous when I say awkwardly. She held them like they were goddamn horse reins. She sat there in her pretty dress with her legs spread, one foot on the bass drum pedal and the other one on the high hat, the picture of a complete rock star if only it didn’t like look she was about to play the xylophone.
“You are so cute, baby.” I grinned and she smiled and bounced on the stool giddily. “‘When the Levee Breaks.’”
I watched as she searched her mind for the beat and then away she went, pounding like John fuckin’ Bonham. I didn’t adjust the strap, so the guitar was resting lower on my body than usual. I pushed my right leg out to play as best I could. Mia didn’t let up, so neither did I. Her hair was in her face and she was sweaty, and she only looked up at me at the bridge, and then I saw some sort of disbelief in her eyes. That’s what happens when you pay attention to your surroundings while you play the drums. You realize that not everyone is living in a loop. She messed up a few times and then closed her eyes and found the beat again.
I could mess up a thousand times and no one would notice, but mess up on drums and you screw everyone. Good thing it was just Mia and me that night…playing a Jimmy Page guitar, playing a Led Zeppelin song, and Jesus Christ, if that wasn’t a wedding present to remember. Imagine it’s thirty years from now and you’re thinking back to the day you married your wife. Was she pregnant with your child, playing “When the Levee Breaks” on the drums, in a wedding dress with no underwear on because you fucked her silly in the back of a limo? Yeah, be jealous.
It took a lot of convincing for me to finally agree to leave the studio after our wedding ceremony. Mia didn’t want the guests waiting too long at the restaurant for us. I chased her up the stairs to the loft and into our bedroom. I helped unzip her, and then I watched her change into a casual white dress. She topped it off with a black leather jacket. That’s when I revealed the T-shirt I’d been hiding underneath my dress shirt.
“You are not wearing that to our wedding dinner,” she said with her hand on her hip.
“Tyler said you’d kick me in the balls when you saw it.”
“If you don’t take that off, I will.”
My T-shirt said “Buy Me a Beer, The End is Near” and then underneath the writing there was a picture of a ball and chain.
“It’s a joke. This couldn’t be further from how I feel.”
She scrunched up her nose and gave me the pouty face.
I moved toward her, pushed her hair behind her e
ars, and tilted her head up to look at me. “I honestly feel like this is the beginning of my life, Mia.”
“Me too,” she said. “I’ve just been really sensitive about stuff lately.”
“Why?”
“I don’t know, sometimes I think it was the way you reacted when I told you I was pregnant. It made me think we were rushing into all this.”
I held her face in my hands and glanced past her into the hallway where June was pooping on the hardwood floor. I didn’t say anything; I focused my eyes back on Mia. “Listen to me. That kind of news is eye-opening for all men. Yes, I wondered how we would make it work and what it would mean for me to be a father, but then I remembered what Martha said to us in the café. She said we had everything we needed between us, and I think she’s right.”
I bent and kissed her slowly and for a long time. When I opened my eyes, hers were still closed and there were tears streaming down her cheeks. I wiped them away with my thumbs. “Baby, don’t cry. It’s our wedding day. We had awesome sex, we have two new, kickass instruments that are a hundred percent tax deductible, and we have a sweet little baby on the way.”
She looked up finally and smiled. “I love you.”
“I love you too, Mia Ryan. Doesn’t that have a nice ring?”
“Yes, it does. I guess we should get to the restaurant.” She pushed me away, looked down at my T-shirt, and pointed toward the closet. “Go change or my mom will disown you and probably kick you in the balls herself.”
“Fine.” I shuffled over to the closet and changed into a plain black T-shirt and black jeans. Mia liked it when I wore black. She would get this giddy look on her face and her cheeks would turn pink. “How’s this?”
“Perfect.” She giggled.
“Oh, hold on one sec. Come here, baby.” I grabbed her by the shoulders and moved her to the bed to sit, facing away from the door. “Stay here, don’t move.”
I cleaned up June’s poop in thirty seconds flat and then returned to Mia.
“What did you do?” she asked.