‘Of course! I must know… everything!’
‘My name before I became a nun was Dorothea Schubert. I went to work for Ursula Westheim in 1931, when I was sixteen, as her social secretary. She liked me very much, and was always very good to me. When I became pregnant out of wedlock, in 1933, my parents disowned me, threw me out of the house. You see, they were staunch Catholics, very religious, and they felt that I had brought terrible shame upon them.’
Sister Constanza shifted slightly in the chair, smoothed a hand over her habit, and continued, ‘I had no one to turn to in my terrible distress, no real friends to help me, and certainly the rest of my family were against me. It was Ursula who befriended me, allowed me to live at the house in the Tiergartenstrasse for a few months. During that time I began to realise I could not keep my child, that I would have to have the baby adopted. I knew Ursula was unable to have children. One day I went to her, and I asked her if she would adopt my baby.’
‘And my mother agreed?’ Maxim said.
‘Not at first,’ Sister Constanza responded. ‘She said she must think about it very deeply… mostly because I was Catholic and she was Jewish. I pointed out to her that we were not talking about religion, but about love. I told her that I knew she and Herr Westheim would give my child the greatest love and affection, and so many things which I could not.’
‘And so they finally agreed?’
‘Yes. Frau Westheim took a small apartment for me, just off the Ku’damm, so that I could have my privacy away from the mansion. She had Herr Westheim moved to the villa in Wannsee. It was important that neither of us were in the mansion in the city, because of the servants.’
‘And then after my birth you gave me to the Westheims immediately… Teddy did just say I was adopted when I was a day old,’ Maxim stated.
Sister Constanza inclined her head, gave him a long and thoughtful look. ‘It was better for everyone to do this quickly. You were such a beautiful boy, I knew I would not be able to give you up if I held you in my arms for too long. They came for you on June the thirteenth, and took you home with them. They were so happy. I told them that I wanted them to have you above any couple in the whole world… because I knew what good and wonderful people they were. I knew they would bring you up with love and kindness, and shower you with everything that money could buy.’
‘They did,’ Maxim said softly, remembering his mother and father with the greatest of love.
Teddy noticed that Sister Constanza looked pale, drained, and she continued her story, said to Maxim, ‘Sister Constanza went away from Berlin, Maxim. She had decided to go into a religious order, a nursing order of nuns, and she went to Aachen, to the Motherhouse of the Sisters of the Poor of St Francis, where she became a novice.’
‘Aachen,’ Maxim murmured. ‘What a strange coincidence. That was the border town we stopped at when we were fleeing Germany in 1938.’
‘Yes,’ Teddy said, and went on slowly, ‘In Ursula’s letter to me, she told me all of this, and gave me the name and address of Sister Constanza, asked me to stay in touch with her, to write to her with news of you. Discreetly, of course.’
‘And she did… all these years,’ the nun added, leaning forward in the chair, clasping her hands. ‘I realise you have suffered greatly, and have had great sadness in your life, because of the way you were separated from Ursula and Sigmund. And because of the way your parents died in the death camps. But I believe that I did the right thing for you, in spite of this.’
‘Yes, I agree with you,’ he said, his voice barely audible, meaning every word. ‘You did the only thing you could at the time. You were not to know what would happen.’
‘I hope you will see it in your heart to forgive me,’ the nun said.
‘But there’s nothing to forgive.’ Maxim gave her a swift glance. ‘I loved my parents, and they loved me very much, and that’s all that matters in the end.’
‘Yes,’ she said. ‘You speak the truth there.’
‘Who was my birth father?’ he asked.
‘His name was Karl Neuwirth.’
‘Was he also a Catholic?’
‘Yes.’
‘Why didn’t he marry you?’
There was a tiny silence before she said, ‘He was a married man.’
‘Is he still alive?’
‘Oh no, he was killed in the war. He was a soldier on the Russian front. And his wife and two children were killed in a bombing raid.’
‘I see.’ Maxim stared at Teddy. ‘Why didn’t you tell me years ago?’
‘I kept meaning to… quite a few times, Maxim. But I always lost my nerve… I was afraid, I didn’t want to cause you pain.’ She cleared her throat. ‘I had to tell you finally, because I thought it was wrong to withhold this information from you, as I explained a moment or two ago. And anyway, I felt that at the age of fifty-five you are mature enough to understand everything.’
For the first time a faint smile flickered in his eyes. ‘Yes, I think I’m old enough to understand, Teddy.’
At this moment, quite suddenly, Sister Constanza stood up. ‘I must leave now,’ she announced. ‘I have duties at the convent I cannot ignore or neglect.’
Maxim jumped up. ‘But can’t we offer you tea, something before you leave, Sister Constanza?’
She shook her head. ‘You are kind, but I really must get back. I am needed.’
‘Do you have far to go?’
‘No. It will only take me about half an hour on the train. The convent is just outside the city.’
‘Please let me send you in my car—’
‘No, no,’ she cut in, touching his arm lightly. ‘I must lead my life the way I have always led it. But thank you for your kindness.’ She stretched out her hand.
Maxim took it, held it in his.
Sister Constanza stared up into his face. Her dark brown eyes were full of love. She said, ‘Be at peace with yourself, Maxim. And may God bless you always.’
He felt a stirring in his heart for this gentle, religious woman, who had given birth to him, and he impulsively leaned down and kissed her on the cheek.
Her eyes filled with tears, then she smiled at him, and her face was radiant.
FIFTY-NINE
‘Are you angry with me?’ Teddy asked a short while later, after Maxim had read Ursula’s letter, written so long ago, which he had handed back to her.
‘How could I ever be angry with you, my dearest Teddy?’
‘Upset then?’
‘No.’ His expression was as loving and devoted as it always was.
‘Then what are you feeling?’ Teddy pressed, worried about him, concerned about the effect the nun’s revelations had had on him.
‘Startled, stunned, shocked. I think anybody would feel those things under the circumstances, don’t you?’
‘Yes,’ Teddy agreed quietly, continuing to observe him.
‘You could have shown me the letter years ago, you know,’ Maxim said, returning her gaze evenly, his expression neutral.
‘The main reason I didn’t, Maxim, is because I thought it would hurt you.’
‘What I just heard from Sister Constanza does not change anything in my life, Teddy. Mutti will always be my lovely blonde Mutti, my fairytale mummy from my childhood. I’ll never stop loving her, and the memory of her will remain precious to me until the day I die. And no matter whose male genes I have in me, Sigmund Westheim is still my father. He will always be my father to me. He is the one who gave me love, and my standards, and my code of honour. I have lived by the rules he set out for me when I was a child, to the best of my ability, all the days of my life.’
He paused, gave Teddy a small, almost shy smile, and confided, ‘I still have the little bits of paper he gave me when I was four years old. I’ve kept them all these years. In fact, I copied his words down on white postcards, in order to preserve them along with the little carved horse. And, incidentally, I passed on my father’s standards, his rules of conduct, to Michael and to Alix. I gave th
em copies of his words.’
‘Oh Maxim, what a lovely thing to do. You never told me!’ Teddy exclaimed.
‘I have to keep a few secrets from you,’ he replied, his voice lighter, teasing all of a sudden. Teddy studied him for a moment. ‘Well, now at last you know who you really are, Maxim, know that you were born a Catholic of Catholic parents.’
‘No, Teddy, my parents were Jews. And I am a Jew. I was brought up a Jew, I feel like a Jew, therefore, I am a Jew.’
Taken aback momentarily, Teddy stared at him, made no comment. Slowly she began to nod her head. ‘Yes, Maxim, you are right. You are a Jew.’
Pushing himself to his feet, Maxim went over to the sofa, sat down next to her. He took her hand in his, looked deeply into her face. She was still a beautiful woman, even though she was now seventy years of age. There were fine wrinkles around her green eyes, etched at the corners of her gentle mouth, and her hair had turned snow-white. But there was a serenity and a loveliness about her that age could never dim. He loved her so very much at this moment he thought his heart was going to burst. She had been there for him every day of his life, his sweet and loving devoted Teddy.
He said, very softly, ‘There’s something else I want to say to you.’
‘Yes, what is it, dear?’
‘Sister Constanza may have given birth to me, and Mutti will always be so very special to me. But you are my mother, Teddy.’
She stared at him speechlessly. Her eyes filled up with sudden tears.
He touched her wrinkled cheek with the greatest of tenderness, remembering all she had done for him for fifty-four years of his life. He told her, ‘You have looked after me since I was one year old. You took care of me when I was small, took me to safety in England. Protected my life at the risk of yours, brought me up, raised me to be the man I am today. Whatever good there is in me, I owe to you, Teddy. You’re the very best part of me. Yes, my dearest, dearest Teddy, you are my mother. I love you very much, I thank you from the bottom of my heart for everything you have done for me.’
Profoundly moved, the tears rolled down Teddy’s cheeks. She clung to Maxim’s hand, and her voice was brimming with emotion as she said, ‘I’ve loved you as my own child. I never thought of you in any other way. You were always my first born… in my heart.’
Maxim put his arms around Teddy and brought her to him. ‘Yes, I know that. I always knew it, I think.’
They held each other close, remembering so many little things about the last fifty years, lost for a moment or two in their own private thoughts, bonded as mother and son.
And then Maxim said, against her snowy hair, ‘It’s odd, but so much has become clear to me in the past few days. I have been so mixed up inside myself, so torn, so full of doubts… about myself, my life. I haven’t been able to see straight. And one night, before the shooting, I had wondered who I was, why I was here on this planet, what the hell life was all about.’
‘I know you’ve been troubled for a very long time,’ she said.
‘And then last week, a day or two before we left London, I had a flash of insight, a revelation… You might say it was my epiphany. I suddenly understood so many things about myself, understood that I had been yearning after Mutti for most of my life, searching for her even in other women perhaps. Yes, I truly did understand myself at that moment… I realised I was the lost boy Hans.’
Teddy eased herself away from him, looked up into his familiar, handsome face. ‘What do you mean?’
‘When I was a little boy here in Berlin, so long ago now, you read a story to me about a boy called Hans. Do you remember the story?’
‘Vaguely.’
‘His mother lost Hans, and she could never find him again, so he was lost forever, wandering around the world, with nobody to love him. That story really made an impression on me. When we were in Paris in 1939 I asked Mutti not to lose me. And then she did. At least, so I thought, because I never saw her again.’ He looked into her face, and finished, ‘I’ve always been the lost boy.’
Sadness fell like a shadow across Teddy’s face and her heart ached for him. But she said in the gentlest tone, ‘You, lost. Never.’ She shook her head, denyingly. ‘You’ve been mixed up, yes, and your life is now in the most ghastly mess, but I refuse to ever think of you as lost.’
‘But deep within myself that is the way I’ve felt, although I suppose I only recognised this the other night, when I was having dinner with Stubby in London. He made a remark to me that triggered everything off in my head.’
‘What did he say to you?’ Teddy asked, her eyes searching his face.
‘He said that the women in my life had hurt me badly, let me down, whether they had done so intentionally or not. I asked him what he meant, and he pointed out that Mutti was wrenched from me at a tender age, that Anastasia left me against my will, and that Camilla also left me—because she died on me. He then added that Adriana failed me and Blair Martin betrayed me.’
‘All that is true,’ Teddy agreed, thinking that Stubby had acquired wisdom in middle age. She had had a soft spot for Stubby since his boyhood, was very fond of him.
Maxim explained, ‘It occurred to me that in the same way Mutti was wrenched from me, all of the women in my life abandoned me, in one way or another.’
‘I can’t argue with you there.’
‘And that same night I understood that you were the only woman who had never hurt me, never let me down. You’ve always been there for me, and you’ve been my rock. When I was going in and out of unconsciousness in New York, in the hospital in January, I remember opening my eyes at one moment. And do you know what I saw?’
She shook her head, mystified.
‘I saw my first wife, my third wife, my mistress, my daughter. And my mother. That’s what I thought, when I saw you. Mother. And then I started drifting off into unconsciousness again, and you, as you are today, as you look today, disappeared. In place of the silver-haired seventy-year-old Teddy, I saw the Teddy of my childhood. I kept thinking that Teddy would come soon, come and save me as she had when I was a child.’
‘I would always try to save you, Maxim, but there are times in life when we must save ourselves, when no one can do it for us, and that’s the way it is now with you.’
‘What are you getting at?’
‘I think you must save yourself by clearing up that frightful, upsetting mess in New York. Those women, Maxim. Adriana, Blair. The baby, Viveca. You mustn’t let that situation continue to drift the way it has been drifting since you were shot. It’s simply not right.’
‘Oh, I know that. I plan to bring some order to the chaos in my life as soon as possible. I don’t love Adriana. She doesn’t love me. Only my status. I plan to divorce her, give her anything she wants, if necessary. We have a pre-nuptial agreement, but as far as I’m concerned, I’m prepared to re-negotiate if it frees me.’
‘And then what are you going to do? About Blair Martin and her child?’
‘I’m certainly not going to marry her, if that’s what you’re getting at, Teddy. I’m sorry there’s an innocent child involved, but I’m not going to sacrifice myself, get myself into another marital trap with the wrong woman. You see, I don’t love Blair either. Nor does she love me. Only my money.’
‘You’ll provide for the baby, even though you have no positive proof she is yours?’
‘Why not? I’m a rich man. And what if the child is mine? I’d hate to think of my offspring in need, wanting for something, wanting for anything.’
‘You’ve obviously done a great deal of thinking in the last week. Things didn’t seem quite so clear-cut to you Maxim when we had lunch a fortnight ago. You sounded muddled, and you troubled me, worried me.’
‘I told you, the other evening with Stubby gave me such insight… it was my epiphany.’
There was a sudden sharp knocking on the door.
Startled, Maxim swung his head, then looked at Ted-dy.
‘I wonder who that can be?’ he muttered, rising
.
Teddy said, ‘Oh dear, I forgot to tell you, I’m expecting another guest.’
‘Who?’ he asked.
She ignored his question. ‘I’m afraid I’ve been playing God again,’ she said.
Striding to the door, Maxim wrenched it open. And for the second time that day his jaw dropped. But with remarkable swiftness he recovered himself, and his aplomb.
A dazzling smile spread across his face. ‘Anastasia!’ he exclaimed, stepped forward, took hold of her arm and escorted his ex-wife into the suite.
SIXTY
Princess Irina Troubetzkoy greeted them excitedly when Maxim, Teddy and Anastasia walked into her apartment that same evening.
‘I’m sorry we’re so late,’ Teddy began, only to be silenced by Irina’s raised hand.
‘You don’t know, do you? You haven’t heard?’ Irina cried, her eyes focused on them.
Teddy looked bewildered, Anastasia intrigued. Maxim said, ‘Heard what, Aunt Irina?’
‘The news from East Berlin!’
‘No,’ he answered.
Anastasia took charge. ‘Let’s go into the sitting room, Aunt Irina, and you can tell us about it.’ She slipped out of her sable coat, placed it on the bench in the hallway.
‘Of course! How rude of me to keep you standing here in the foyer. Please take off your coat, Teddy, give me your mink, Maxim, hang your overcoat in the cupboard,’ Irina instructed, bustling around them.
A few seconds later, in front of the fire in Irina’s living room, the three of them sat back, stared at her expectantly.
Irina was far too worked up to sit, and she stood near the fireplace, one hand resting on the mantelpiece. She said, in the same tense, excited voice, ‘A little earlier today, Günter Schabowski, head of the East Berlin Communist Party, had a press conference. He said that starting at midnight tonight East Germans can leave if they want.’ Irina’s voice shook, tears welled. ‘They can leave without special permission… for a few hours, a few days, forever, if they so wish. They are free! Free at last, out of bondage!’ She was so overcome she began to weep, groped in her jacket pocket for a handkerchief.