For the biggest rock star in my eyes
DAVID LEVITHAN
editor extraordinaire,
unparalleled karaoke partner,
and above all, my dear friend
CONTENTS
TITLE PAGE
DEDICATION
EPIGRAPH
THE AUDITIONS
CARTER
SOPHIE
ETHAN
EMME
SENIOR YEAR
EMME
CARTER
ETHAN
SOPHIE
EMME
ETHAN
SOPHIE
CARTER
EMME
SOPHIE
ETHAN
EMME
ETHAN
EMME
CARTER
EMME
ETHAN
EMME
GRADUATION
SOPHIE
CARTER
ETHAN
EMME
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
COPYRIGHT
“Are teenage dreams so hard to beat?”
— THE UNDERTONES, “Teenage Kicks”
My life has been one big audition.
I can’t even remember the first audition my mom dragged me to. It was for a diaper commercial back when we were living in LA. I was six months old. While most kids’ first memories are of playing with friends, mine are of sitting in cold reception areas waiting for my name to be called. The only plus side was that after I auditioned, Mom rewarded me with McDonald’s. That was the only time I ever truly felt like a normal kid.
After I got cast in the first Kavalier Kids movie, I didn’t have to go on that many auditions. The roles came to me. By the time I was nine, I was on the cover of People magazine and a presenter at the Oscars, the basic go-to kid for cute. I was the on-screen “son” of every big-name actor. I’ve worked with the best. And with the Kavalier Kids franchise, I was featured on countless lunch boxes, pillowcases, Happy Meals — you name it, my face was on it. (I don’t think I’ve recovered yet from seeing my toothy grin on a roll of toilet paper. Really, toilet paper. Apparently the studio’s marketing division had no shame.)
I’d shoot a big-time movie during the spring and a Kavalier Kids movie in the fall (for a major summer release). And even though my childhood was anything but normal, I look back fondly on the Kavalier Kids movies. The other child actors were like friends to me. At least they seemed like my friends, or what friends should be. But we only hung out on the set. There were no sleepovers or pizza parties, just on-set tutors and line readings.
Things were great, but then there was a — let’s call it an altercation between my mom and the producer. I got kicked off the franchise. A new wave of cute kids came into Hollywood and I was relegated to being a featured guest star on network crime shows.
So I made a decision. It was the one thing that scared Mom more than anything, even more than crow’s-feet and taxicabs. And it wasn’t moving to New York City or starring in a soap opera that was “beneath” me. No, we did those things so I could do the thing that was even scarier to Mom:
High school.
Yes, Carter Harrison, former child megastar and current soap opera actor, wants to go to school.
But as I sit in the hallway at the New York City High School of the Creative and Performing Arts, I know that this isn’t a normal school. It’s one of the most prestigious performing arts high schools in the country. I knew I could convince my mom to let me go if I talked about how this would help me with my craft.
Yes, I actually used the word craft to describe what I do. But my “craft” is more on a par with the caricature artists in Times Square than with a true artist.
I play pretend. I’ve been doing it my entire life. I’ve been doing it so long, I don’t even know who I am anymore. I’m more comfortable being someone else than being me. I don’t even feel like me when I’m “Carter Harrison.” The paparazzi were waiting outside the school today when I arrived, and I flashed that famous grin at them … but that wasn’t me. That was a role.
As we wait for my name to be called, I glance at Mom hiding behind her oversize sunglasses. She didn’t seem all that surprised to see the photographers outside. Gee, I wonder who leaked that my audition is today? It’s not like being on a soap opera gets you a ton of press, but when you were the biggest box office draw at the age of ten, people like to follow you around. See what you’re up to. It’s like my life is a never-ending episode of Where Is He Now?
At least I’ve gotten used to the attention. I’m really good at blocking it out. Plus, it helped me get a role on a show that only requires me to work a few hours a week. This way, I stay on television to appease my mom and I get to go to school for me.
I’m not even nervous as I wait for my name to be called. Stepping onto that stage and reciting my two monologues (one from Our Town and the other from You’re a Good Man, Charlie Brown) will be easy. That’s a normal day for me. But the thought of getting to go to school is what will make me nervous.
What’s ironic is that Mom is the one who doesn’t want me to go to school. She thinks I won’t be prepared to handle being in a school with other kids.
Let’s see, I’ve spent my entire life being judged, critiqued, and picked apart.
I think I’m more ready for high school than anybody could be.
It’s all going according to plan.
This audition is just one more box to check off on Sophie’s Plan to Superstardom.
Basically, the list so far has consisted of me performing at every possible talent show, wedding, sporting event, bar mitzvah, birthday party, etc., in the Brooklyn area (check!), getting Emme to write me a can’t-lose original song for my audition (check!), and getting into CPA.
Of course, once I’m accepted, I’ll have my work cut out for me. I’m not that naïve. So once I get in I need to become the star pupil, land the lead in every play, get the most coveted spot in the Senior Showcase, and then get a record contract by the time I graduate.
I will have a Grammy before I turn twenty. Even if it kills me.
I’m not even nervous. Are you kidding me? I LOVE being onstage. I LOVE the glow of the spotlight. It’s the waiting that’s killing me.
I look around and notice a few other contenders for the vocal department at CPA from different talent contests that I’ve done … and won. They’ve got nothing on me and they know it.
All the singers (at least in Brooklyn) are jealous of me. While they’ll be auditioning with songs from West Side Story, My Fair Lady, and The Sound of Music, I have an original Emme Connelly song written just for me.
For a second, just a second, my stomach drops. I hope Emme gets in. Her audition for the music composition program is in a couple weeks. Although her acceptance (or rejection) won’t really affect my Plan. She’ll still write songs for me. It would just be easier if she would also be at my school. Don’t get me wrong, she’s talented enough to get in, but being center stage really isn’t her thing. She gets nervous.
Not everybody can be a natural.
“Sophie Jenkins.”
I hear my name and enter the auditorium. I can’t wait to show the panel what I’m capable of. I’m ready to move on with my Plan and be the star that I know I am.
This is just one small step.
Check.
I want to get this over with.
My stomach has been in knots all morning. Oh, who am I kidding? I’ve been a wreck since I got the date of this audition. Maybe going to CPA isn’t the best idea. I’ve got it pretty good in Greenwich. I’ve got friends, and even better, I’ve got Kelsey.
Although, I just got a girlfriend and what do I do? I audition for a school in New York City, which means I’ll
have to live at my parents’ Park Avenue apartment during the week.
Leave it to me to complicate one of the few good things in my life.
I almost considered backing out of the audition and not going to CPA, but — and I’m fully aware of how corny this sounds — music is my life.
At first I didn’t know that it was unusual for someone to hear a song and be able to play it back instantly on the piano or guitar. Or that not everybody can sit down and write a song. I’ve been playing music, my music, for as long as I can remember. It flows from me with ease.
It’s just the lyrics that I suck at.
I’m a thirteen-year-old kid who lives in a huge house in Connecticut with my investment banker father and stay-at-home mom. What do I have to write about? I don’t know anything about suffering or pain. Or love.
I guess the one good thing going for me is that I don’t have to sing today. I’m doing a couple of instrumental pieces. I hate singing. I hate it when people look at me. I wonder if they’ll let me perform behind a screen?
I try to get my legs to stop shaking, but if they stay still, what will distract me from the bile that is slowly rising in my throat? I go to bite my nails, but there isn’t any nail left.
Dad squeezes my shoulder. I hate him knowing that I’m nervous. Why can’t I just tune out the voices in my head telling me I’m going to mess it up, like I mess everything up? Why can’t I be normal? Why can’t I do something without thinking of the fourteen thousand ways that I can mess up?
Actually, there is one thing I can do to quiet the voices. The only thing that I am good at, which is playing music. That I can do well.
It’s everything else that’s the problem.
I thought things would be easier the second time around.
But nothing seems to be going according to Sophie’s Plan. And it’s all my fault.
I don’t think there was ever a doubt that Sophie would get into the vocal music program. How could she not? She’s amazing. She got her acceptance letter right away … on the same day that I got my letter telling me that the admissions department was undecided on my application and I had to audition again.
While the CPA letter explained that the reasoning was that they had an “overwhelming” number of applicants for the music composition program’s inaugural year, I knew the truth: I wasn’t good enough.
I try to hold back the tears that are creeping up. What would the admissions team think if I walked onto the stage in tears? Probably not the best idea.
But I’ve wanted to go to CPA since I was little. I’ve wanted this for so long.
And I don’t want to disappoint Sophie.
Going to CPA together has been our goal since we first met, when we were eight and both performing at a youth talent show in Prospect Park. I played an original song I wrote on the piano. Sophie sang “Over the Rainbow.” But Sophie doesn’t just sing, she Sings with a capital S. She opens her mouth and time stops. I haven’t met a single person who hasn’t been mesmerized by her voice and her stage presence.
She even had it back when we were eight. I’ll never forget her coming up to me afterward with her gold medal around her neck (I got the silver). She didn’t even introduce herself — she didn’t need to; everyone there knew who she was. She simply said, “Hi, I like your song. You should write one with words and I’ll sing it for you.” We’ve been a team ever since.
It’s Sophie who’s been my biggest cheerleader from the very beginning. She was the one who planted the seed years ago about going to CPA. We’d be an unstoppable force, a dynamic duo, the greatest singer-and-songwriter team that CPA has ever seen.
But thanks to me, our team is in serious jeopardy.
“Emme Connelly.”
My name is called and I try to steady myself as I walk onto the stage.
I try to block out all the doubting thoughts in my head.
I can do it.
I can do it.
I can do it.
This isn’t just about me. It’s about Sophie.
And if I’m not sure I can do it for me, I know I can do it for her.
I never in a million years thought I’d be sitting here. Well, truth be told, I think that every time I’m in CPA’s auditorium. Freshman year, sitting with Sophie by my side, I couldn’t believe I’d made it in. Then sophomore year, I was shocked that I’d survived the first year. Junior year was the biggest surprise since I’d almost wanted to sabotage my audition for that semester because I was so tired — tired of the auditions we have to do to be accepted each semester, tired of the extra classes and studios, tired of the concerts, the pressure, the competition. The constant competition.
Fortunately for me, the music composition department is the least competitive of all the programs. Ethan, Ben, Jack, and I work together on pretty much every project, and have since the very first day of school.
But other groups don’t have it so easy. Jack’s girlfriend, Chloe, is in the dance department, and she has to eat her protein bars in secret during lunch. It’s a double competition, to see who can dance the best and eat the least. It’s as if being the skinniest person in the group is a badge of honor, not an eating disorder.
The drama department is full of … well, drama. I stay far away from anybody in that department when a show is being cast. It’s not pretty. Leading up to the auditions, there is back-stabbing and sabotage of Hamlet proportions, and when the cast list is posted, those without parts are les misérables.
And then there’s Sophie. As we wait for our first assembly of senior year to begin, I look four rows in front of me to where Sophie is sitting with Carter. Sophie’s had it a lot rougher than me and I feel so guilty. After all, if it wasn’t for Sophie, I wouldn’t even be here.
Ethan taps my knee and motions up front. Dr. Pafford, our principal, strides onto the stage.
“Hello, seniors.” He leans on the podium and takes stock of the room. Judging. We are always being judged. “Over ten thousand people applied your freshman year, 624 got in, and today there are only 513 left. Of that you should be proud.”
He pauses dramatically. We all know he never gives us a compliment without showing us its downside.
“But now is when we really figure out who will one day appear on this screen.” He gestures to the large screen that is rolling down behind him. Our first day of freshman year, we were welcomed with images of CPA alumni: Oscar, Grammy, and Tony winners flashed before our eyes. “As you all know, you are here two weeks before the start of class to discuss the opening-day performances for the freshmen as well as, of course, the Senior Showcase.”
It’s as if the air has been sucked out of the room at the mention of the showcase. Every January, CPA hosts talent scouts, agents, and college administrators to an evening that highlights the talent at the school. It’s the biggest audition of them all. Juilliard, Alvin Ailey, William Morris — they all come.
The mere thought of it makes me sick.
Both Ethan and Ben nudge me. They know me so well.
Dr. Pafford continues, “We will be holding auditions for the spots in the freshman welcome program next week. You’ll have three minutes. We have only ten performance spots available. Sign-up sheets will be up next Monday. And remember, everything you do this semester, and I do mean everything, will weigh in on who will be invited to perform in the showcase.”
He dismisses us, and groups immediately start to form.
“So, lunch?” Jack says as he stretches and pats his stomach. “I’m going to need a full stomach before I can even think of what torture you two will make me endure for this gig.” He nods at Ethan and me.
“Sure, um …” I say, then stop. We all see Sophie approach me, a smile on her face. I smile back. I haven’t seen her that much over the summer and we haven’t been able to get together since she got back from her family vacation. This is the longest we’ve been apart since we were eight, and I’ve really missed her.
“Hey, Em!” Sophie hugs me. “I’ve missed you!”
I hug her back. “Me, too! I can’t wait to show you what I’ve been working on.”
Sophie claps her hands enthusiastically. “You know I’m dying to hear it.”
She turns to the guys and gives them all a little wave.
“Hey, Sophie, nice to see you show up, just in time to get a song from Emme,” Jack says drily. “How convenient.”
We both ignore him.
“The guys and I are heading to lunch,” I say. “How about tonight?”
She looks disappointed. “I’d love to meet tonight, but Carter has this thing, some opening of something, and I promised him I’d go along.” I love how Sophie makes it sound like work. I know that she loves going to openings with Carter: the photographers, the attention, the coverage. We are complete opposites when it comes to that.
We settle on tomorrow afternoon after she consults her schedule and Carter’s. There’s always been some tension between Sophie and the guys, but they don’t get it. They just see Sophie singing my songs, but they have no idea (no matter how many times I’ve tried to explain it) how much I rely on her.
She gives my songs a voice.
When it comes down to it, I need her a whole lot more than she needs me.
“So!” Jack gives us a smile after we order our food at the diner. This can only mean trouble. “This feels like the first day of school and we’re eating lunch….”
Ethan and Ben groan. I try to contain a smile, but it’s too hard. It’s a tradition. It started back on our first day of school, when we all met.