Because that’s what people do, my mind answered immediately. You spend time with your family because they’re your family.
But my reply didn’t hold the weight it once used to.
I didn’t believe it quite so strongly.
It wasn’t like Nick hadn’t suggested this very thing on more than one occasion, but I had blamed him for being unwilling to try. I had blamed him like it was his fault. I had accused him of causing drama with my parents and being selfish with his time. It was our obligation, I told him. This is what family does.
But wasn’t he my family? Shouldn’t his needs and desires and wants come before my parents? He had never suggested cutting them out of our lives completely. He just wanted to spend less time with them.
It wasn’t until Kara had pointed out the obvious that I finally saw things as they should have been.
Hell, at this moment in time, I didn’t have plans to return for lunch ever again. And although I knew that would change eventually, I didn’t have to force myself to go back every single Sunday. I could create my own boundaries. I could give myself a few Sundays off a month and actually feel rested when it was time to go to school on Monday.
Crazy.
Kara watched me for a long time before finally saying, “I’m surprised Nick showed up if he hates your parents so much.”
“I am too,” I breathed. “He needed to pick up some amps that my dad had been storing for him and then my mom invited him to lunch. Maybe he felt bad or guilty or something.”
“Maybe.” Her gentle gaze met mine over her desk. “Maybe he wanted to use your parents as an excuse to see you again.”
I didn’t know whether to laugh or to cry. “I thought you didn’t like him either?”
She rolled her eyes and let out a short sigh. “I don’t like that he’s still trying to be a rock star. I want him to grow up and get a real job. Of course, I like Nick as a person. He’s impossible not to like. I just hated that you were always so miserable, that you guys were always fighting. It had nothing to do with him. And I never suggested divorce. Honestly, I didn’t know you guys had even considered it.”
“He’s really good, you know. I mean at the band stuff.”
“Kate, I never said he wasn’t. I just… you know what I mean.”
“Yeah, I know.”
“So? What if Nick isn’t as pro-divorce as you first thought he was? What are you going to do then?”
“My lawyer asked me the exact same question. Along with a million others. And honestly I don’t know. If Nick is pro-divorce, the actual procedure doesn’t seem that difficult. It’s mostly paperwork and legal fees. We will have to go to court to finalize it, but everything before then can be handled by our lawyers. We can file for divorce together and split everything equally. Hopefully, I’ll take over the mortgage completely. I already pay it anyway. There are not that many bills to split outside of the house. He can take his things, I can take mine. Easy-peasy.”
“And what if he doesn’t want to do that?”
“Then it gets more complicated. I have to serve him the papers. They could show up at his work and deliver them like he’s some sort of criminal. It sounds awful.”
“So awful that you’re not going to go through with it?”
I looked at Kara and saw hope flicker in her eyes. Did she really think this was a bad idea? Or was she just trying to save me the hassle?
“Do you really think I’m making a huge mistake?” I tried to keep the accusation out of my tone, but I couldn’t hide it all. I felt suddenly betrayed.
She sucked in her bottom lip and then let it go, building herself up for whatever she needed to say. “Kate, the grass isn’t always greener on the other side. It’s not going to get magically better. You’re not going to find the perfect person and live happily ever after. Happily ever after doesn’t exist. It will never exist. Even if you go about this amicably, this divorce is going to be messy; it’s going to hurt Nick and it’s going to hurt you. It’s honestly going to tear you apart. I love you. I don’t want to see you go through all of that.”
“And what about my marriage? What if I stay in a relationship with Nick and we just fight for the rest of our lives? What if he never wants to grow up and despises me forever because I’m asking him to? What if he thinks I’m nothing but a nag and a dream-killer and a rotten, heartless witch? How do I live with myself if my husband thinks that?” My voice grew louder and more hysterical with every word. I was on the verge of tears and screaming and drowning myself in cheap tequila by the end of it.
Kara, despite my hysterics, leveled me with a serious look and said, “I don’t know, Kate. I don’t know what happens then and I don’t know what happens if you get a divorce. I just know that neither way is easy. And neither way is going to automatically make you feel better.”
My breath came in short, violent bursts and tears swam in my eyes. I heard someone at the door and knew that was my cue to leave. I gathered up my bags and without saying goodbye to Kara, I fled her office.
I didn’t have class for another fifteen minutes and the only thing I could think to do to fill the time was to call Nick.
Sure, I had papers to look at, lessons to plan for, I probably should have eaten something… but I needed to hear his voice. I needed to hear the certainty or uncertainty or whatever it was I was looking for.
I pulled out my phone and dialed his number. It rang for a long time and eventually kicked into voicemail. I let out an ugly curse that wasn’t at all appropriate for school and tried again.
And then again and again and again until I had found my classroom and locked myself inside.
I finally gave up and just stared at my screen, wondering where he was and why he wasn’t answering.
Had he gone to his own lawyer this morning? After yesterday’s performance on my parents’ lawn, I couldn’t blame him. Maybe he just didn’t want to talk to me. Maybe he wanted to avoid me for as long as he could.
I nearly screamed when my screen finally lit up and announced Nick’s number across the front.
“Finally,” I hissed. But I pushed the right button and brought the phone to my ear. “Hey,” I said weakly.
“Kate?” He sounded confused and breathless. I could hear city noise and wind in the background as if he had just stepped outside.
Or maybe he was already outside. He could have been working for all I knew and I’d just interrupted one of his jobs.
“Kate?” he said again, louder this time.
“Hi. Sorry. I’m here.”
More awkward moments spun by until he said, “Hey, Kate, I really want to talk to you, especially, uh, about yesterday. But I’m kind of in the middle of something. So if it’s not urgent, then I should probably let you-”
“I saw a lawyer this morning.” The words fell out of my mouth like poisonous snakes. I couldn’t keep them inside me anymore. They were infecting me… killing me. I had to get them out. I had to poison someone else too.
He let out a sound that was half growl, half huff of surprise. “A lawyer.”
“I needed to do something. I needed to get this in motion.”
He was so silent that if I couldn’t hear the background noise, I would have thought he hung up on me.
“You needed to-”
“I don’t want to fight with you, Nick. I just wanted to let you know. It was a courtesy call.” But had it been? Why had I needed to call him so desperately?
“It’s only been six months,” he shot back. His voice was firm this time, resolute. “Kate, give it some more time.”
I ignored his plea. “If we file together... amicably then it makes the whole process easier and-”
“I’m not going to do that.”
I was so shocked by the dominance in his voice I had to sit down. “Wh-what?”
“Go ahead and do what you want, but I’m not going to file amicably.”
“Why not?”
“It doesn’t matter why. You just need to know that I’m no
t going to.”
I had no idea what to say to that. I was more confused than ever. Was he trying to be a pain in the ass? Was he trying to make this as difficult as possible?
Obviously.
But why? Just to piss me off? Or did he actually feel entitled to more than what fifty-fifty would get him?
Or was Kara right? Did he really not want to go through with this?
I fumbled, trying to think of something to say, “Well, you should probably get a lawyer then.”
His reply was crisp and direct. “I have a lawyer.”
After a long minute of silence I realized he hung up on me. I stared at my phone, dazed and completely shell-shocked until the bell rang and students started walking into class.
So Sunday had been lies? A last ditch attempt? If he had a lawyer, then he wanted a divorce.
He was going to make my life as difficult as possible, but the divorce was definitely happening.
With my mind spinning at a hundred miles per hour and my personal life in complete tatters, it was safe to say that the rest of the afternoon sucked.
Chapter Twelve
19. He’s purposefully making my life difficult.
A couple weeks passed, but the most progress made on my divorce was the delivery of papers. I’d contemplated for longer than I should whether to have them dropped off at Nick’s work. I had wanted to lash out against his refusal to make this easy.
If he wanted to play games, then public humiliation could go a long way.
But in the end I’d chickened out. I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t hurt him like that.
It seemed that no matter how difficult he made my life, I still cared about his feelings.
My lawyer thought these were particularly obnoxious obstacles, but there was nothing I could do about them. So he arranged to have the papers delivered to Nick’s attorney- who turned out to be one of the better divorce lawyers in the city.
I honestly didn’t know how Nick could afford his legal services. I had to scrimp, save and cut off my purse addiction to pay for mine. It wasn’t easy.
When we’d separated, our finances were frighteningly easy to divide. We closed our joint account at the bank and each set up our own. We both agreed to leave our meager savings alone for the time being and I trusted him not to touch it.
Besides, the amount was so insignificant that if he used every penny, I really wouldn’t have been that upset.
Although, I never would have told him that.
The only thing we still shared was our cell phone bill, which he’d offered to continue to pay for until our contract was up and we could go separate ways without paying astronomical fees.
I had been the breadwinner anyway and other than student loans, utilities and our mortgage, we didn’t have many other bills. Our parents had helped furnish our house and we’d accumulated our possessions slowly enough that there was nothing to pay off. He had his credit card, I had mine.
I had always paid the majority of our bills, so I got to keep the house. He moved out. It only seemed fair that I keep paying the mortgage and utilities.
It was a little depressing how easy our finances had been to split. At the time, I expected more of a struggle… more of a fight. But we’d dealt with everything as cleanly as we’d ended our marriage.
As I packed up my classroom for the day, I wondered how he could afford his legal help. It was seriously bothering me.
Where was the money coming from?
His parents?
No way. They had plenty of money, but he would never ask them.
At least I didn’t think he would.
Was he that desperate to screw me over in the divorce that he would go to his parents…?
I thought they liked me. Maybe our relationship had been strained and forced, but no more than their relationship with Nick. They’d never been close.
Nick had always been the wild rebel child that his successful parents couldn’t take seriously. And they had always been the part of his life he politely tolerated. I thought I had created some kind of peaceful bridge between them.
Apparently not.
Apparently, they hated me as much as Nick did.
Sure, I hadn’t heard from them once since Nick and I separated, but I didn’t think they wanted to take all of my earthly possessions and leave me out in the cold.
They had always been nice. Distant, but nice.
Apparently distant-but-nice meant they had been harboring some kind of intense hatred for me. At least they had something in common with Nick now.
Kate Carter, bringing families together since 2008.
You’re welcome.
If Nick was that desperate to ask his parents for money, then he really did want to make me suffer.
I dropped my coffee thermos on the floor as my entire world began to spin out of control. Nick couldn’t hate me this much.
Sure, we’d had a rocky marriage, but did I deserve this? Was I that terrible of a person?
“You dropped this.”
I nearly screamed at the intrusion. I snapped out of my internal breakdown and blinked Eli into focus.
“Oh, my god. You scared me.” My hand landed on my fluttering heart and I sucked in enough oxygen so my brain could process his sudden appearance.
He gave me a playful smile. “You’re kind of easy to sneak up on.”
Nick’s words bounced around in my head. You’re ridiculously easy to surprise.
Was I?
“Sorry,” I tried to smile. “I was lost in my head.”
Eli’s smile turned patient. “I gathered.”
He held out my coffee cup and I took it from him. “Thanks.”
“No problem.” He shifted on his feet while I tried to collect my wits. “So, uh, you looked a little panic stricken when I walked in. Is everything okay?”
I nodded without thinking.
“You sure? You’re a little pale. Do you want to sit down?”
I looked down at my desk self-consciously. It took me a few minutes to figure out what I wanted to say. I had trouble disentangling myself from my riotous thoughts. Finally, I lifted my gaze to bravely meet his and asked, “Am I a terrible person?”
Eli’s eyebrows lifted with surprise. “Are you serious?”
“Yes,” I whispered. “I just need to know if I’m a complete bitch. I can’t tell.”
“Well that should tell you something,” he said with no small amount of amusement.
“I’m serious. You can be honest with me. I can take it.”
“No,” he said quickly. For a second I thought he was refusing to answer my question until he put a gentle hand on mine and continued, “You’re not a terrible person. You’re definitely not a complete bitch. You’re none of those things. Why would you think otherwise?”
I felt better. Even if I didn’t entirely believe him, my vanity was appeased. “I was just thinking about this divorce,” I explained quietly. “Suddenly Nick is refusing to do this amicably. He’s threatened to make this as difficult as possible. I just… I wondered if he was maybe punishing me for how awful I was to him during our marriage.”
Eli’s raised eyebrows dropped and scrunched together over the bridge of his nose. “I thought you said this was a decision you came to together?”
“We did. At least I thought we did. His behavior has been… confusing.”
“Has he changed his mind?”
“What do you mean?”
Eli frowned. “Does he not want to get divorced anymore?”
I took a step back, feeling shaken up and unsteady. “Of course he wants the divorce.”
“Then why is he being difficult?” Eli’s question landed with all the gentleness of a tank running over me.
I shook my head helplessly, “I don’t know.”
He didn’t say anything else about Nick. There wasn’t really anything left to say.
“I’m sorry, Eli. I’ve been super self-absorbed since you walked in. Did you need something?”
He let out a nervous laugh and I immediately regretted how I’d phrased my question. He held my gaze though and asked, “I was wondering if you had plans tonight.”
“Tonight?” I sounded like an idiot repeating him, but it was a school night. And by that, I meant a normal Tuesday…
Seeming to read my thoughts, he grinned and said, “I won’t keep you out late. But I thought we could grab a cup of coffee?”
“Coffee?”
“Or a different beverage. I mean, you’re not limited strictly to coffee. We could go for a soda instead. Or iced tea. Water even, if none of those, uh, sound good.”
I realized that my parroting had made Eli nervous. And other than finding it completely adorable, it was not my intention to make him suffer. I laughed, hoping to diffuse the tension. “Actually, coffee sounds really good. I could use some caffeine.” And then because I was still an idiot and didn’t want him to think that the only reason I agreed to go out with him was because I was sleepy, I said, “It will be fun to spend some time with you!” And then because I wasn’t sure if this was a date or not and I apparently had an addiction to sticking my foot in my mouth, I didn’t stop talking and said, “We never get to hang out just the two of us!”
Oh, my god, somebody tackle me.
Stop talking.
Eli’s expression told me clearly he had no idea what to think of me anymore, but he gifted me with a gentle smile and nodded once. “Good.”
I put the last of my papers in my tote bag and fumbled around for my classroom keys in my purse. “Do you have a favorite spot?”
“Yes.” His smile came more naturally as I shut off the lights and we moved to the quiet hallway so I could lock the door behind me. “It’s not Starbucks though. Does that bother you?”
“What?” I shook my head at him. “There are other places that make coffee besides Starbucks? You’re lying.”
He laughed at my sarcasm. “I would not lie about something like this. I take my coffee very seriously.”
“Well, I’ve never been much of a commercial coffee drinker.” I waved my to-go cup in the air. “I bring it from home.”