“When he thinks it’s appropriate? I can’t visit her now?”
“Not yet. He wants to give her a few days to adjust. He thinks that seeing you without your sister would only exacerbate her problem.”
“Exacerbate?”
“Intensify the situation. I know it’s going to be hard for you, but we have to think of what’s best for your mother now. I’ll be going in a little while. Perhaps I’ll come back when she’s released. I can stay until your father comes home, if you like.”
“I think I’m going to throw up,” I said. “I shouldn’t have eaten lunch.”
Before she could say another word, I charged up the stairs and ran into my room, slamming the door behind me. I stood there for a few moments listening. As I expected, she started up the stairs behind me. I went into the bathroom and began to run the water in the sink. I heard her knocking but ignored it for a moment, looking at myself in the mirror. I was a little stunned that it was all happening so fast and happening the way I had decided would be best for me, but it was difficult to hold back my excitement. Mother was being committed to a clinic. Daddy would be busy with his work and with Mother’s treatment. I strongly doubted that any of our relatives would come to spend time here. Nana Clara Beth wasn’t going to like visiting Mother in a mental clinic. She’d find every excuse there was to avoid it. I’d really and truly be on my own . . . finally.
“Haylee?” Mrs. Lofter called, knocking again. “Are you all right?”
“Yes. I’m just going to rest for a while.”
“Very smart,” she said. “I’ll stay around for a while longer in case you need something.”
“I’m fine. You can go,” I said. “Go,” I whispered. “Get the hell out of my life.”
“I’ll go soon,” she insisted. I heard her descend and then flopped onto my bed and lay there looking up at the ceiling. Of course, I had to show Daddy how devastated I was, but I also needed to be strong for him, for both of us. If I wallowed in self-pity, he would think I was too immature to handle all the added responsibility that I was looking forward to enjoying.
I waited a good hour. During that time, the phone rang once. I wasn’t surprised to see that it was Sarah Morgan, Kaylee’s best friend.
“Yes?” I said coldly, instead of hello.
“Hi, Haylee. It’s Sarah.”
“Yes?”
“I tried to talk to you three times today, and each time I started to cry and thought I would only make it more difficult for you.”
“Yes, you would have,” I said. “There’s enough crying going on in my family to fill a swimming pool.”
She made a small guttural sound, which I knew came from fighting back tears and sobs. “I’m sorry I didn’t speak with you and offer to help you any way I can.”
“There’s really not much anyone can do for me.”
“Well, if you need any help with your homework or . . .”
“I’m only in school because the doctors and nurses and my father think it’s best for me right now. I’d rather lock my door and crawl under my blanket.”
For a moment, she couldn’t speak. “If there’s anything . . .”
“When you do today’s math homework, copy it for me,” I said. It was like offering a small bone to a starving dog.
“Oh, yes, sure. Absolutely. And I’ll be happy to make sure you understand it later.”
“That’s not important. You can hand it to me in homeroom.”
“Okay,” she said. She paused, gathering her courage. “Is there any . . .”
“There’s nothing. I can’t talk anymore, Sarah. Kaylee and I were always together after school doing our homework.”
“I’m sorry,” she said. Now she was really crying.
“Homeroom,” I told her, and hung up.
I waited another ten minutes, dabbling a bit with my hair and choosing something to wear that I liked more, and then went downstairs. Mrs. Lofter was still there, sitting in the living room.
She looked up quickly when I entered. “How are you?”
“I’m surviving, Mrs. Lofter. I don’t need a babysitter. I have to get myself together and help my father.”
She nodded and rose. “I’ll keep in touch with him and Dr. Jaffe,” she said. “I left my number on the kitchen counter should you need me for anything.”
“How kind,” I said dryly. “Do you always take such a personal interest in your patients and their families?”
“Only the ones who need it the most,” she said. “Don’t take on too much, Haylee. You’re like a pot of boiling milk emotionally right now.”
I stared a moment and then nodded. That was exactly what I was, a pot of boiling milk, but I wasn’t boiling for the reasons she thought.
“I’ve got to start on dinner,” I said. “Thank you.”
I turned and went into the kitchen. I had decided to prepare pasta with eggplant, something I knew my father liked. Kaylee usually ran lead when we were surprising our parents by making them dinner. I let her, but I knew how to do it all just as well as she did it.
I heard Mrs. Lofter leave, and then I took the slip of paper with her cell-phone number and put it in a drawer. I’d have to be really desperate before I’d call her, I thought, and went to work. An hour later, Daddy arrived. I had all the ingredients out, the salad prepared, and the table set. When he saw me, he simply stood there looking at me.
“Mrs. Lofter is gone,” I said. “She told me everything. She was very comforting.”
“Dr. Jaffe thought she was right about stepping up your mother’s care. I know how hard this is going to be for you on top of everything else, but . . .”
“We’ll be okay, Daddy. We’ll be here for each other. I’m upset that I can’t see her yet, but Mrs. Lofter explained it well. I just want to be sure you don’t get sick yourself.”
“I won’t. So? What are you doing here?”
I described our dinner.
“Okay, fantastic. I’ll shower and change and help.”
“There’s nothing for you to do. Just go into the dining room when you come down. I made that chocolate cream pie you love,” I added.
“You did?”
“It wasn’t that hard. I used to do it with Kaylee. Mother likes it, too.”
He shook his head, smiling. “You are one terrific kid, Haylee.”
“I’m more like you, Daddy. I’ve always been more like you,” I said.
He had to hug me before going up to shower and change. I looked to my side, just where Kaylee would have been standing, and I smiled. I always knew he would love me more. Maybe I’d said it. Sometimes we both voiced thoughts as part of the normal way we treated each other, so often that neither of us knew what we had thought and what we had said. We were, after all, so identical back then.
It brought a smile to my face to think, back then. Everything about us from now on might very well become back then.
At dinner, Daddy described where Mother was and what sort of treatment she would be getting. He was very impressed with Dr. Jaffe and had spent almost as much time talking to him as Dr. Jaffe had spent with Mother. He kept assuring me that it was going to be temporary.
“He’ll bring her around,” he said. “He’s a very gentle man. I’m sure by the time he’s finished with her, she’ll be strong enough to take on her responsibilities here again. I spoke with the police,” he added. “They have assigned three officers to do nothing else but check on every registered white van in a fifty-mile radius. It’s painstaking old-fashioned police work, but they’re determined.”
He paused, ate, and then looked up.
“Lieutenant Cowan and Detective Simpson are convinced that Kaylee did not run off, by the way.”
“How can they be so sure?”
“She left too much behind. She didn’t give any of her friends the slightest hint, and there’s been no sign of her in any bus depot or airport.”
I nodded and then looked up at him. “She and I often talked about running away, Daddy, e
specially after you and Mother divorced. Mother became even more intense about how we were to behave, what we could do without each other, and what friends we could have. Up to the very night we went to that movie theater, she insisted that we dress similarly, and nothing Kaylee liked that I didn’t, or vice versa, was ever made for breakfast, lunch, or dinner. It was no secret that you got so disgusted with it all and that was probably what drove you away.”
He lowered his head, nodding softly. “We can’t blame her, though, not now. Dr. Jaffe suspects that her sense of guilt is partially responsible for her current condition.”
I didn’t say it, but I thought, Good, she should feel guilty, very guilty.
“Let’s do the best we can,” he said. “How did it go for you today at school?”
“Difficult, but I’ll manage.”
“Sure. You’re a very strong young lady.”
“I’ve been invited to a party on Saturday,” I told him.
He looked up, brightening. “Oh? You’re going, right?”
“I don’t know if I can,” I said. “Every time I think about it, I get a sick feeling in my stomach.”
“Oh, no. You’ve got to overcome that, just the way I’ve overcome my reluctance to get back to work. Otherwise, we’re letting this creature kidnap all of us,” he said.
“I never thought of it like that.”
“Well, that’s how you should think of it. Okay? You go.”
I nodded. “Okay, Daddy.”
“And by the way, this dinner is terrific.”
He smiled and reached for my hand. I clutched his, and for a long moment, it was as if there was no one else in this family and never had been.
That feeling seemed to unlock the small chain of reluctance I had fastened around anything fun I might do for the rest of the week. Every passing day, I grew more outgoing in school and began to talk on the phone more and more to the girls I liked, none of whom was close to Kaylee. Although Ryan was like a strip of flypaper, attaching himself to me whenever he could, I managed to slip away from him enough to toy with two other good-looking boys in the senior class, Eddie Hayman and Luke Stillwell. I suggested to both of them that Ryan was becoming an annoying mother hen.
“He always reminds me of how horrible things are for me. He’s very nice and considerate, but he doesn’t give me a chance to relax, put it all aside for a while. Every doctor says that’s best, or you’ll just be another burden for your parents and your family.”
They both agreed and promised that they would be at Amanda’s party.
“We’ll have something to help you escape for a while,” Eddie promised with a wry smile. “Ryan never would.”
Ryan was terribly jealous of my spending any time with them, but I told him they were just being nice.
“Everyone likes to help, Ryan. It’s not fair to deny them the chance. It’s selfish, in fact.”
“Oh. I never thought of that,” he said.
“Well, think of it.”
They both started calling me every night, and before the end of the week, I was spending hours on the telephone and on the computer again, sometimes messaging with both of them at the same time. With most of Kaylee’s friends like Sarah filling in to help me with the schoolwork, even cheating on pop quizzes to get me passing grades, I felt happier than ever. Saturday night was promising to be a great time.
The only dark spot came when Daddy came home on Friday to tell me that Mother had suffered something of a setback, just when Dr. Jaffe had thought she was making progress. Apparently, she was practically catatonic.
“Maybe I should go see her, then,” I said.
He surprised me by nodding. “Dr. Jaffe and I discussed it today. He agrees. We’ll go on Sunday if there is no improvement in her condition.”
“Okay, Daddy. I’ll do whatever you and the doctor decide.”
He smiled, then hugged and kissed me.
It was hard to describe to anyone my age the feeling this gave me. Every friend I or Kaylee had took their parents’ love and affection for granted. Kaylee and I were afraid to compete for it, and our parents, of course, Mother especially, were so careful about how they showed it. When you had to share love the way we did, it was better not to have it at all. Now, however, I had it all.
I had never spent as much time preparing myself for a party or a date as I did on Saturday. Anyone would think it was my very first. Daddy surprised me Saturday morning at breakfast by telling me he had called Mother’s hairstylist and made an appointment for me for late morning.
“If you want to,” he said. “I’ll take you and come back for you.”
I had never been to a hairstylist without Kaylee or even shopped for new clothes without Kaylee. I was strangely nervous about it. Of course, I knew everyone at the salon would be catering to me and careful about what they said concerning Kaylee’s disappearance and Mother’s condition. Ordinarily, that would make anyone uncomfortable, I supposed, but getting my hair done, and the way I wanted, not the way Mother wanted so Kaylee and I would look alike? Oh, yes, I wanted to burst out with a big “Thank you” and kiss Daddy. His face lit up. He wanted me to forget about cleaning up the kitchen. He’d do it.
“Just go get yourself ready,” he said. “This is your day, Haylee. You deserve it.”
How wonderful that sounded. Your day, Haylee. Not Your day, Haylee and Kaylee.
I rushed upstairs to thumb through my magazines, deciding what changes I wanted to make with my hair. I ripped out the picture of the hairdo I wanted. Mother had refused to let us cut our hair much, but I wanted to look older and sophisticated. I chose a slicked-back bob for a short hairstyle, which meant I’d have a pound of hair cut off. Good riddance, I thought as I bounced down the stairway to meet Daddy and go.
Dawn Selby, Mother’s hairstylist, was quite surprised when I showed her the picture. She looked at my father, who was preparing to leave. He saw what she wanted and said, “Just do whatever she wants.”
Dawn nodded. It was one of the most silent sessions I’d ever had at the salon. She was very nervous and talked mostly about her own hair, but she did a perfect job. I looked exactly the way I wanted. If and when Mother sees me now, even if she is getting better, she’ll probably have another nervous breakdown, I thought.
Daddy liked it. He said exactly what I wanted to hear any man say: “You’ve got the face for it, Haylee. It complements your beauty.”
What a surprise I would be to all the others at Amanda’s party. At least now they could freely talk about other things without thinking about Kaylee. On the way home from the salon, I was tempted to ask Daddy to buy me something new to wear. He saw me gazing at a display of clothes in the department-store window we were passing.
“What about something new to wear?” he said, slowing down. I guessed I was pretty obvious about it. It would be the first thing I had ever owned without Kaylee owning it as well.
“Really? That would be so sweet, Daddy.”
“Let’s go for it,” he said, and turned into the parking garage.
I knew exactly what dress I wanted, something Mother would never approve. I had longed to have it and went right to it. It was a body-hugging lavender dress with a scoop neckline, sleeveless with mesh cutout sides, short with a curve-hugging, tight fit. Daddy looked quite shocked when I stepped out of the dressing room.
“Is that legal?” he asked, smiling.
“All the girls have dresses like this, Daddy,” I said, even though I was probably going to be one of less than a handful in my school who’d wear something like this to a party.
“Are you sure?”
“I’ve always loved it. It’s so comfortable.”
“I bet. It’s like another layer of skin. Okay,” he said. “But I feel sorry for Ryan. He’ll spend most of his time fighting off the competition.”
On the way out, we stopped at the shoe department and bought me a pair of matching open-toed shoes with a two-inch heel. The moment I got home, I started on my makeup and then
got dressed almost an hour earlier than I had to, just so I could be sure I had done everything I wanted. Both Eddie and Luke started a Skype call with me, and I decided to let them see me first.
They both whistled and whooped. I teased them for a while and then checked myself out one more time. One thing was for sure, I thought, I looked nothing like Kaylee now.
When I finally came downstairs, Daddy looked like he had lost his ability not only to speak but to make a sound. I turned around for him and struck a pose like someone taking a selfie.
“Haylee, what can I say? I walked out of here one day when you two were little girls and unfortunately had to return for a terrible reason, but I’ve found you’re a beautiful young woman. Your mother was right about how you two would be.”
“Thank you, Daddy, but I probably shouldn’t even be going to this party, much less getting so dressed up for it.”
“Nonsense. I want you to have a good time. We’ve got quite a difficult road to travel ahead of us, I’m afraid.”
We heard the doorbell. It was Ryan. He had no idea about the changes in my appearance. When I opened the door, his mouth fell open, making him look dumb.
Daddy came up behind me. “Yes, this is the same girl, Ryan,” he said.
“Hi, Mr. Fitzgerald. Yes, she’s . . . beautiful,” he said.
“And I wasn’t before?”
“Huh?”
Daddy laughed. “Okay, you two. Have a good time, but I want her back here by midnight at the latest, and I mean latest, Ryan.”
“Yes, sir.”
“Don’t you want a jacket, Haylee?” Daddy asked.
“I won’t be outside long, Daddy. I’m sure Ryan has his car warmed up.”
“Yes, sir, I do,” Ryan said.
It was cold, but I didn’t feel like wearing anything over my dress. Ryan reached for my hand. I looked back at Daddy. Despite all the nice things he had said, his face was full of worry.
Midnight, I thought. Who am I, Cinderella?
Not tonight.
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