I went as far up the stairs as I could again and began to yell for help, hoping that maybe a mailman or some service person would hear me. I yelled until my throat was strained, and then I sat on the steps and cried for a while, before getting up and returning to the basement apartment, which was my prison now. There were books and an old tape recorder with music cassettes, furniture, food, and a clean bathroom, but to me it was the same as a dungeon in some medieval castle. Like a prisoner, I was chained to the wall.
Struggling to come up with a way to escape, I sat staring at the poster on the wall with the outline of a Valentine’s Day heart and the words Home is where the heart is inscribed inside it. I had never realized how precious my home was until now. How I longed to be there, safe and happy again. I regretted every moment I had wished I was free of it and away from Mother and Haylee. Every teenager has fantasies like that. Now I could tell them not to be so eager to be on their own, to leave the ones who loved them.
So much bothered me about my present situation—the chain, the loss of my clothes, the constant fear that he would come through that door and begin to demand more of me, that maybe tonight he would rape me—but what seemed most annoying now was my ignorance of time, not only what time it was but how much time had passed. I felt like that alone reduced my humanity and made me no better than Mr. Moccasin.
I rose slowly and began to clean up the breakfast dishes and the pans and coffeepot. I was afraid that if he returned and I hadn’t done so, he might get violent. But I also did it just to fill up time and not sit and worry and anticipate my rescue. Mother used to say, “A watched pot never boils.” Haylee and I laughed at her sayings and warnings, but how I wished I could hear them now.
I cleaned the kitchen area as well as I would at home, and when I was done, I made the bed. Every once in a while, I would pause and tell myself that this was insane. You’re making it seem like you’ve given in, agreeing and becoming what he wants you to be. But what choice did I have? Sitting and crying or screaming wasn’t helping me. I did return to the boarded window periodically and listened, hoping for some sound that might indicate someone close enough to hear a scream, but the silence was like a slap each time. I would come away gasping and starting to sob again and again. Finally, I lay down on the bed, and despite how much I wanted to be ready for any sort of possible rescue, I fell asleep.
I had no idea how long I had slept, but when I awoke, I saw that the little light that seeped through the boards on the window had diminished. It might mean clouds, or it might mean it was already late in the afternoon. Mr. Moccasin had come onto the bed and fallen asleep beside me. He lifted his head and looked at me when I sat up.
“Are you the prison guard?” I asked him.
He rose and leaped off the bed to wander over to his food. I watched him for a while and wondered if a cat felt locked away. Many were never permitted to leave the houses they were in but did sit by the windows and gaze out. Was it curiosity or longing? I had yet to hear Mr. Moccasin cry at the door. Maybe this was the only life he had ever known. What if it became the only life I would ever know, no matter how long or short that might be?
Thinking such maddening thoughts, I stood up and began to walk in a circle around the basement apartment like a patient in a mental clinic, mumbling to myself, pausing to swallow a sob, and then walking and walking in a circle again until I had to go to the bathroom. I felt very dirty, and despite my reluctance and the way it made me seem obedient, I took a shower. The towels did smell fresh and clean. After I dried my body, I realized there was no blow-dryer or hairbrush, but there wasn’t a mirror anyway. I did the best I could to feel human and reluctantly put on the nightgown again. It was all I had, and I wasn’t going to walk around naked.
I sat on the closed toilet lid and buried my face in my hands. My chest ached from all the sobbing I had done. I had been sobbing even while taking a shower, when my tears mixed with the water that streamed down my cheeks. My gaze between my fingers settled on the ankle bracelet. He had thought of everything, coating the inside of the metal cuff with a soft material so it wouldn’t chafe my skin and cause an infection. Nevertheless, the sight of it seemed to tighten it until it was down to my bones. It brought a sick, empty feeling to my stomach. Even if I could break a window or unlock a door, I couldn’t escape. I groaned and then lifted my head and looked through the bathroom doorway.
He was standing there clutching bags of groceries in his arms, smiling.
“I see you took a shower. That’s my girl,” he said. “As Ma always said, ‘Cleanliness is next to godliness.’ ”
He continued to stand there, smiling madly, waiting for me to say something, urging me to finally talk and accept where I was and what I would be.
I laid my head back against my hunched shoulders and screamed with all the strength I had, “Mother! Help me!”
And then I think I just passed out and dropped like an empty suit to the floor.
3
Haylee
Neither Daddy nor I went to sleep until after two in the morning. After Mother had been settled down, we remained in the living room to wait for any news. Daddy sat in what was always his favorite chair when he lived with us, a soft leather recliner with a footrest and thick arms. Kaylee and I expected that Mother would donate it to the Angel View thrift store, one of her favorite charities, if not simply throw it out, after their divorce. She never sat in it after Daddy left us, and neither Kaylee nor I had the nerve to do so. We both knew that in Mother’s eyes, that would make it look like we missed him. Sometimes I teased Kaylee by pretending I would sit in it. Her eyes would nearly explode with fear. I wondered if I would miss teasing her if she never returned.
There was teasing out of love and affection, and there was teasing to drive little needles into someone you really didn’t like. As I lay there on the sofa, I wondered if I had ever done it for the first reason. Surely when we were young and we were forced to spend practically every waking moment, and, actually, every sleeping moment, in each other’s company, we loved each other as much as any two sisters could. I wondered when that had changed. When did I wake up and suddenly wish I had no sister? I never doubted that at one time or another, Kaylee had wished the same thing. She couldn’t be that perfectly goody-goody, even though she never showed it as clearly as I did.
If she had only hated me more, I might have hated her less.
I fell asleep. It was getting too hard to keep my eyes open and wait for the phone to ring or a knock on the door. The tension in the air was thick enough to choke someone. I didn’t know if Kaylee would be found running through some strange neighborhood after having escaped or maybe found harmed and crying on some street. We’d get a call from a hospital, perhaps.
Upstairs, Mother was drugged into silence. I was sure she was hoarse from all her shouting. I envisioned her chained inside her own head, screaming and pounding on four walls without any exit, at least until she woke. What would the next few days be like, or the next month, maybe the next few years living with her?
“Hey,” I heard Daddy say.
I opened my eyes. “Something happen?”
“No, no word yet. We might as well go up to bed, Haylee. We’ll both need our strength in the morning.”
I sat up slowly. “I’m afraid to go up to sleep knowing that Kaylee is not in her bed, too,” I said.
“I promise, if anyone comes to the house or calls, I’ll wake you right away. C’mon,” Daddy said, reaching for my hand.
He helped me to my feet and put his arm around me as we walked to the stairway. This was already something more between us. Whenever he had put his arm around one of us, especially if Mother was nearby, he had immediately reached for the other. It was impossible to feel special, no matter how Mother emphasized it and bragged about us. I always thought my girlfriends, especially those with no brothers or sisters, were more special, not only to their parents and grandparents but also to everyone else. They didn’t have to share love; they owned it al
l. There was no jealous sister hovering over them with eyes of envy whenever they received a compliment or a gift, no mother making sure one didn’t get more praise than the other.
We didn’t even have our own birthdays. I once proposed, half joking, that we alternate years. One year we’d celebrate mine, and the next year we’d celebrate Kaylee’s. I might as well have stabbed Mother in the ribs with a fork.
“And you want your sister to sit there while we sing ‘Happy Birthday’ to only you?”
“She could sing, too, and the next year I’d sing to her,” I said.
I was only ten, but I thought it was a brilliant suggestion. Daddy was smiling, but his eyes were full of back off quickly warnings. Kaylee glanced at me and looked down quickly. I thought she was afraid Mother would see how much she wanted that, too.
“Ridiculous and dumb,” Mother had said. “I won’t hear any such thing uttered in this house. By either of you,” she’d added, glaring as hard at Kaylee, who quickly nodded.
How could we be the same kind of person? I thought. My sister had no courage. Maybe now we would discover that she wasn’t real. She was a shadow of me, empty and easily erased with the flick of a light switch.
I put my head against Daddy’s chest as we started up the stairs.
“I feel so sick to my stomach, Daddy,” I said. “I should have stopped her from going to meet him. This is all my fault.”
“From what you’ve told us, Haylee, she probably would have found some other way to meet this man. At least you knew this much and were able to help. Otherwise, anything could have been possible, and we’d be wasting so much time and energy trying to figure out what really happened. A teenage girl who runs off on her own could be almost anywhere in the country by now. At least that’s been eliminated.”
“It doesn’t make me feel any better,” I said as we reached the hallway.
“Well, you try to get some sleep. I’m going to need you tomorrow and maybe longer to help me with your mother,” he said, and kissed my forehead.
Instinctively, I looked to my right, as if Kaylee was standing there, too, and I was anticipating him kissing her on her forehead. When would I stop doing that? The sooner, the better, I thought. Mostly, I was afraid I would see her even though she wasn’t there. We were that imprinted on each other’s mind. Who knew? Maybe I really would have to go see a psychiatrist.
Daddy went into Kaylee’s room to sleep so he would be close by, and I went into mine. I didn’t even take off my clothes or wash my face or brush my teeth. I fell facedown on the bed and hugged one of my oversized pillows. Contrary to what I had told Daddy, I fell asleep as quickly and as easily as a newborn baby, which was what I thought I was.
Mother’s scream woke me in the morning. It was so piercing and sharp that it cut right through my closed door and the bedroom walls. I sat up quickly to listen. Had the police come? Was Kaylee found dead? I heard Daddy speaking softly but couldn’t make out any words. Rising slowly, I rubbed my cheeks to wake up my face and opened the door quietly to peer out at them. Mother was standing in the hallway outside Kaylee’s room.
Apparently, she had gotten up before either Daddy or me and was shocked to see him sleeping in Kaylee’s bed. Maybe she had woken thinking it had all simply been a nightmare.
Her hands were clenched, and her shoulders were hoisted as if she had just had a trickle of ice slide down her spine. Every muscle in her neck and face looked stretched and strained. Daddy was standing in front of her, trying to calm her. She looked like she was staring through him and deaf to anything he said.
“What’s happening?” I asked.
Mother turned toward me. “Is your sister in there with you?” she asked.
“No, Mother.”
“Let’s just try to keep our heads about this,” Daddy said, holding his palms up as if he wanted to keep her from charging at him. “We’ll go downstairs, have some coffee and something to eat, and I’ll call the police to get an update, okay?”
“Where is she?” Mother asked me, ignoring him.
I shook my head and bit down on my lower lip until it hurt and sent pins through my jaw and cheeks, which, as I knew it would, brought tears to my eyes. It was like turning on a faucet. I flicked them away as they started to streak down my face.
“Where is she?” Mother repeated, raising her voice. “Where is your sister? Tell us!” she screamed. Her eyes were wide open, her lips twisted and uglier than I’d ever seen them.
I shook my head and looked to Daddy for help. He stepped forward to take Mother’s hand, but the moment he touched her, she jerked away.
“This is your fault,” she told him.
“My fault? How is it my fault?”
She didn’t reply. She backed up a few steps and shook her head so hard and continuously that it looked like she had some sort of palsy.
“Let’s just stay as calm as we can,” Daddy cajoled. “We won’t be any good to Kaylee if we’re not.”
Mother started to turn away. Her whole body began to tremble as if her bones were rattling. She reached for the wall to steady herself but didn’t get her hand against it in time to prevent herself from falling. Daddy leaped forward and managed to grab her at the waist before her body slammed to the floor. Then he lifted her in his arms and carried her back to the master bedroom. Her head was slumped. She had passed out. Or maybe she had died!
“Is she all right?”
“She’s all right, but we’d better call Dr. Bloom,” he told me as he walked by. “I’ll get her comfortably in bed.”
No, I thought. First, I have to wash my face and brush my hair. I was not fit to talk to anyone yet, even on the phone. When I left my room, I glanced into the master bedroom before going downstairs. Daddy had put a cold washcloth on Mother’s forehead. She was lying with her eyes closed, and he was standing and looking down at her. He sensed me in the doorway.
“Did you call Dr. Bloom?” he asked.
“Oh, I thought you were going to call. I’ll call now,” I said. “His cell number is on the kitchen wall next to the phone.”
Of course, he knew that, but I felt I should say it so he’d know that not that much had changed in our home since he had left. I nearly bounced down the stairs and, after first preparing the coffeepot, called Dr. Bloom. As soon as he answered, I said, “My mother fainted in the hallway almost as soon as she got up.” I didn’t even tell him who I was. Of all his patients, who else would be fainting in a hallway this early in the morning?
“Did she get hurt?”
“I think my father grabbed her fast enough, but she’s still like unconscious or something.”
“I’ll stop by on my way to my office,” he said. “Was there any news about your sister?”
“Nothing yet, but it’s early,” I told him. “I’m trying not to think about it. I feel sick, too.”
“I’m on my way,” he said.
Just as I hung up, Daddy appeared. “She’s sleeping again. What did the doctor say?”
“He’s on his way. I have coffee going. I don’t think I can eat anything, Daddy. All I want to do is cry. There’s never been a morning when I didn’t see Kaylee as soon as I woke up.”
“I know. I’m not hungry, either, but we should eat something. We’ve got to stay strong,” he said.
Stay strong, stay strong. It was becoming a chant. I was sure I would hear it echoing in every room. It was as if he and the whole house knew that there was only bad news coming and we’d better get our bodies ready to receive a very hard blow. He sank into a kitchenette chair as if his body had lost all its bones. He kept his gaze on the floor. I thought he was avoiding looking at me, and I thought I might know why.
When he looked at me, he couldn’t help but see Kaylee, too, or maybe because he didn’t see her, he felt sick to his stomach. Was it like looking at someone who had lost an appendage? Would everyone look at me the same way for at least the first few days or weeks? Maybe everything in the house would feel half used, handicapped. The p
lates and silverware normally for her would expect to be placed on the table and cry out to me, What about me? My one place setting would look awkward, and her empty chair would haunt us all. What a strange feeling to have about your own home and everything in it. It hadn’t felt as bad as this when Daddy had left, maybe because Mother wouldn’t let that feeling in the front door. She even removed his chairs from the dining room and the kitchenette. I avoided walking where they would be, as if there was a gaping hole in the floor.
“We might as well get an update,” Daddy said, with a tone of defeat and disaster in his voice. He rose and called the police department, identifying himself and asking for Lieutenant Cowan. He was transferred to the detective’s cell phone. I didn’t think they would be on duty this early, but apparently they were.
Daddy listened for so long that I was sure they had found out something important. “Okay, thanks,” he finally said, and hung up.
“What?” I asked.
“Nothing yet. There was one potential witness who said he saw a young girl in front of an out-of-business coffee shop when he drove by. He lives in the neighborhood. From the description he gave, which wasn’t much, they think it could have been Kaylee. They are swamping the immediate area in hopes of finding another witness who might have seen more. At least they’ve centered on an area, if that was her.”
“Every time I think about it, about her being with someone like that, I get sick to my stomach,” I said. We heard the doorbell.
“That must be Dr. Bloom,” Daddy said.
I sat sipping my coffee. When I heard them go up the stairs, I went to the freezer and took out one of the doughnuts Mother had frozen for a future dessert. She hated us eating sweets for breakfast, but she wasn’t here to see. I put it in the microwave, and as soon as it was heated, I practically gobbled it down. I was still a little hungry, but I heard them coming back downstairs. They paused to look in on me.