Pushing her away a little, I bowed my head to stare hard into her eyes. She needed to hear this, and she needed to hear it now.
Before I did what I could never undo.
Before I broke the final filament of my self-control.
“I might have been selfless when it came to you, but I promise you I am no saint. I’m hungry, Della. So fucking hungry, and I need you. But you need to know that the Ren you know—the boy who would kill himself if it meant keeping you safe—that Ren has a flaw. His selflessness comes at a price.”
Her gaze danced in mine, desperately fishing for what I struggled to tell her. “What price?”
“I don’t think I can be that selfless anymore.”
“I’m not asking you to.”
“You’re not getting it.” I dug my fingers harder into her arms. “When it comes to sex, I’m not…gentle. I only think of myself.”
Heat drenched her eyes, making the blue turn to sapphires. “I’m glad. You deserve to put yourself first for a change.”
I shook my head, sharp and quick. “You still don’t understand.”
“I don’t need to understand.” She ripped herself out of my hold, swooping up to kiss me again. “I need you to show me.” Her lips bruised mine, her tongue tasted me, and her breathless beg undid me. “I wasn’t going to do this. I promised myself I wouldn’t push you again. But please, Ren. Show me. Don’t be so nice to me. I need you to do that.” She kissed me harder, wetter, faster. “Please.”
Fuck.
I very nearly snapped.
I attacked her back, kissing her brutally, swept up in her pleas, drowning beneath vicious desire, but…just like a couple of nights ago when she’d slept stiff in my arms as if unused to being touched by me, we weren’t ready.
I was hungry; that wasn’t a lie. But beneath my hunger lurked childhood memories just waiting to pounce and condemn me. Under no circumstances did I want to feel sick while making love to Della the first time.
I hadn’t told her my flaws to give myself permission to treat her without care or attention. I was selfish, yes, but then again, I’d never had sex with Della, and I wanted it to be different.
I wanted it to be special.
I needed it to be the best goddamn thing we’d ever experienced, and until I was mentally more stable and Della more trusting that I wasn’t going to run again, it would be a mistake.
Her tongue stole into my mouth, licking away the remaining shreds of my willpower.
She made sleeping together seem like the easiest thing in the world, while it felt like the hardest thing I’d ever have to do.
I kissed her back—I couldn’t help myself—but my thoughts tangled once again, taking the sting out of the whip of urgency.
We’d spent our entire lives together.
And, if I had my way, we’d spend the rest of eternity.
There was no rush if I never planned on letting her go.
I couldn’t rush.
Because I hadn’t fully come to terms with this.
I hadn’t found a truce between the old me and the future me. The brother and the husband. And I needed to because it wouldn’t be fair to either of us if I didn’t.
“Della…” I groaned as she hooked her leg over my hip, doing her best to climb me.
“Kiss me back, Ren.” She licked my bottom lip before sealing her mouth on mine again. “I want you. Now. Please.”
“Christ…” I melted and hardened and wanted so damn much to give in to her. I might have spent a lifetime looking out for her, but she’d mastered the art of commanding me. Whatever she asked for, I found it extremely hard to deny.
But this…it had to be right.
“Stop, Della.” Grabbing her shoulders with harsh fingers, I put distance between us, making her stagger back before finding her balance. Her face was wild and wistful and tugged on every heartstring I possessed. “Not tonight.”
“Why not?”
“Because I need more time.”
“To do what?” She blew a curl from her eyelash in a frustrated puff. “To torture yourself a little more?”
I scowled. “No, to find peace. To accept the fact that I have so many memories of you at every stage of your life, and to find a way so they don’t drive me insane when I finally do let go.”
“I know those are legitimate concerns, and I understand because I understand you…but you need to get over that, Ren.” Swatting away my hands, she crossed her arms. “The past isn’t going anywhere. It’s always going to be a part of us.”
“I know. But do you honestly want me to take you when I’m not emotionally ready?”
“I don’t think we will be ready until we’ve had sex.”
I coughed, hating the need in her voice. She’d always been braver than me—always willing to leap before looking. But I wasn’t wired that way. I hadn’t had that privilege when raising a kid at barely ten years old. “Well, I think it would be rushing if we did it now.”
“And I think we’re just tormenting ourselves by waiting.”
“Unfortunately for you, it’s not your choice.” I stood to my full height, glaring her down. “Don’t push me until I’m ready, Della.”
“Push you? I’m trying to help you!” Her arms uncrossed only for hands to plant on her deliciously curvy hips. “You’re turning sex into this huge thing, when really, it’s just an act.”
“Just an act? Is that what this is? A quick fuck to you? How stupid of me to treat it as the biggest thing in my life. I didn’t know I was just some guy you wanted to screw to get out of your system.”
“You know that’s not what I meant.”
“Do I? You’re the one getting mad at me for being honest.” Once again, our romantic moment spiralled into a fight.
Were we always destined to clash?
I didn’t remember fighting this much before. I didn’t like it then, and I despised it now. But I wouldn’t bow to her temper. No matter how much my body agreed with her to get it over with.
Sex between us shouldn’t be a ‘get it over with’ kind of thing. It should be the best fucking thing in the world.
My anger swirled hotter, annoyed she couldn’t see that sleeping with her was something I never believed I could have. It was the one thing I didn’t feel worthy of. The one gift I didn’t know how to take. And to have her give me permission so flippantly, well, it hurt.
It killed, actually.
She cheapened it when I wanted it to mean so much.
“You said you’d be patient,” I said coldly.
“I did. But I also said I’d be frustrated.” She sighed again, looking up at the purple slashed sky as if beseeching perseverance. “God, I’m sorry, Ren. I promised myself I wouldn’t do this, yet here I am making a mess of everything again.” Her voice softened, regret tightening her eyes. “You call yourself selfish…but look at me.” She chuckled a little. “Okay, you need more time. How much time?”
“I don’t know.”
“But it won’t happen tonight?”
“No.” I shook my head firmly. “It won’t.”
“Can’t blame a girl for trying.” Her shoulders slouched. “Ugh, I’m being a bitch.” Rubbing her face, she moaned, “Forgive me, Ren. I don’t know what came over me. I just…I thought we’d come out here, and I dunno…act like a pair of bunnies.” She shrugged with a roll of her eyes. “I should’ve known it wouldn’t be that easy. I even understand why it’s not that easy, so just put this moment of weakness down to the fact that I’m madly in love with you, and it’s taking everything I have to keep my hands to myself.”
I laughed quietly. “Madly, huh?”
“Completely.” She smiled shyly. “Utterly. Totally.”
“I’m madly in love with you, too.”
“Now you’re just teasing me.”
A small smile tilted my lips, glad our fight had vanished, leaving us drained but connected. “There’s plenty of time for that. Teasing. Kissing. Fucking. I’m not going anywhere, and neither
are you.”
“Well, a girl only has so much patience before she goes a little crazy.”
“You’re already crazy. Crazy for me.” Moving closer, I pulled her into another hug, loving the familiar simplicity, grateful she swooned into me. “Believe me, Little Ribbon, this is the hardest thing I’ve ever done. Saying no to you when you’re so damn beautiful and willing? God, it’s pure agony.” I nudged her chin up with my knuckles, staring deep into her eyes. “But when I take you, Della. I want my mind to be clear. I want to be with you, not the past. I want to fully accept us, not feel torn between right and wrong.”
Kissing her softly, I murmured against her lips, “When I’m inside you, Della Wild, I want to only have one thought, and that’s how much I fucking love you.”
She sighed into our kiss, snuggling closer. “When you say things like that, I can be patient. For just a little longer.”
And she was.
For a few more days, at least.
CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE
REN
* * * * * *
2018
SEVEN DAYS SHE gave me.
One week to accept the unacceptable and change our entire relationship.
We didn’t end up swimming that night; the river was too shallow, but we did manage to bathe and wash a few pieces of clothing. Although I wasn’t ready to sleep with her, it didn’t stop my eyes from roaming over every inch as she soaked herself in the swift current.
I’d stupidly blocked myself from finding the best pleasure in the world, but I clung to the hope that when I finally did let go, it would be entirely worth it.
That night, we slept in just our underwear, sandwiched together in the tent, nuzzling and kissing as if we’d always been so close. I loved that each time we kissed, it was a little easier, my mind a little quieter, my heart a little less confused.
In the morning, as we packed up our camp and headed back on the trail, I grabbed her and pressed her against a tree. My hands roamed to her breasts as I kissed her hard, driving myself against her, drowning with a sudden crippling need to take.
Her moan snapped me out of what I’d done purely by instinct.
Backing up, I waited to be persecuted beneath memories of Della as a baby and Della as a child. But…nothing came.
No sick sensation. No regret. Only awareness that, for the first time, it’d felt perfectly normal to grab and manhandle her because I wanted to, and she was mine.
There was nothing wrong with that.
In fact, there was everything right, and I froze because I’d held her, kissed her, and touched her—in ways I never thought I could—and not once had my thoughts tried to ruin me.
My capacity for change had finally started, and the sick sensation was taking a back seat to the rapidly growing lust I struggled to control.
“You can do that again…if you want.” Della smiled behind a golden curl, her lips still pink from my kiss.
“If I do, I won’t be able to stop.”
She groaned, “Say that again and I won’t be able to stop.”
Taking her hand, I chuckled. “Patience is a virtue.”
“Not when it’s making my heart work overtime and my body behave like a horny cat.”
Tugging her into a walk, I chuckled. “A horny cat? I have no idea what that feels like.”
She gave me a dirty look. “Oh, really? You want me to believe you’ve never felt like you want to jump out of your skin at the barest touch. Never wanted to scratch someone or pick a fight just so you can be attacked and have it lead into the roughest, sexiest moment of your life?”
I stared at her dumbfounded.
I’d known Della was passionate—I’d seen her kiss other men, for God’s sake—but maybe my waiting wasn’t just about putting the past in the past and accepting our new dynamic, but also about figuring out who she’d be in bed before I got her there.
Was she like me?
Was she aggressive or tame?
Did she expect our first time to be beneath a blanket of stars with gentle snuggles and sweet missionary, or did she secretly crave what I did?
A messy, filthy, violent affair that left us bloody and oh-so-fucking satisfied?
Letting her go, I stepped in front of her, following the narrow animal track. “I’ve been many things, Della, but I can’t say I’ve been a cat.”
More like a wolf.
A starving one.
Clearing my throat from thoughts full of thrusting and wetness, I said, “Let’s get going. Think you can keep up?”
She snickered behind me. “Think you can keep avoiding this subject for much longer?”
I scowled into the trees. “I’m fully aware I can’t.”
“Good.” She sniffed with a mixture of smugness and joy. “Because I’m going to be a good girl and not push you, but it doesn’t mean I’m not going to make you fully aware just how much I want you. How watching your butt right now turns me on so much. How your boots cracking twigs makes me hot. How your smell makes me we—”
“Della,” I snapped, spinning on her and pointing a finger in her face. “Thin ground, Little Ribbon. Behave yourself.”
With a flash of mischievous blue, she stood on tiptoes and bit my finger, running a warm, silky tongue around the tip.
I groaned.
Loudly.
My cock instantly sprang into the hardest, most agonising erection I’d ever had.
I dropped my hand as if her saliva was gasoline and her teeth the match. My entire finger burned and, fuck, it wanted more.
She licked her lips, her eyes hooded and hazed. “Okay, Ren. I’ll do what you say.”
The temptation and invitation behind that innocent, obedient phrase almost had me yanking off my backpack and shoving her onto her knees right there in the middle of the forest.
Brushing past me, incinerating my body with hers, she whispered, “I’ll behave. Guess we better get hiking, huh? The sun won’t last forever.”
Words vanished.
Humanity disappeared.
I was an animal, pure and simple, so damn hungry for the girl I’d always loved.
I couldn’t take my eyes off the way the sun dappled her hair, glinting on her ribbon, or the way her body glided through greenery as if she was part forest herself.
A quick flash of her bounding through the trees when she was nine or ten came and went, but instead of defiling the new love I had for her, it layered my heart with a heat that unravelled me and stitched me back together in an entirely different way.
Someone who was okay with this.
Someone who could finally admit Della Mclary never was a Mclary because she’d always been a Wild.
I wanted to tell her just how much I loved her. Just how much I would always love her. How I’d had an epiphany, and I knew within my very bones I’d never leave her, hurt her, or do anything other than defend, cherish, and adore. I pitied anyone who ever came between us. I feared what I’d do if anyone ever tried to—
“Coming, Ren?” She looked over her shoulder, nonchalant and willowy.
Her gaze met mine, playful and happy before they darkened in response to the shadows swirling inside me. The shadows of possession and dominion that clenched my fists, already angry with phantom ideals that might try to ruin this.
“Ren?” Her voice lowered, the expression on her face one of seriousness and trust. “Everything okay?”
I might’ve grunted something in response, but she’d well and truly won. She’d shown just how right she was. Sex was just an act. Because we’d already surpassed mere pleasure and flesh. We were joined on so many levels, and nothing else mattered but that.
“Fine.” Marching toward her, I coughed and pointed ahead. “Let’s keep going.”
I was fucking captivated by her.
Utterly bewitched.
But I wasn’t prepared to spill the contents of my heart when I didn’t fully understand it myself.
“Okay…” Her forehead furrowed, but she obeyed, and I spent t
he rest of the day in agony, eyes fixated on her gorgeous ass as she strode ahead, my body in a perpetual state of thick, black desire.
Served me right.
I wanted her.
I could have her.
So why was I waiting again?
* * * * *
Every day, we travelled deeper into the forest, following the river and leaving behind the city we’d called home for so long. At night, we were pleasantly exhausted and returned to the ease of before when Della would ask for a story, and I’d willingly conjure past events we’d shared.
Even though I’d fully accepted the inevitable and just how screwed I was by falling in love with this woman, I hadn’t initiated anything past a kiss.
And Della remained true to her word and didn’t push me.
It’d become a silent joke, kissing, grinding, driving each other to the pinnacle of tearing off clothes and consummating but then pulling back at the last second.
Making out with Della was the best and hardest thing I’d ever done. Best because I never knew kissing could be pure fire, that a tongue could make me lose myself, that a fingernail dragged down my spine could almost make me come. And the hardest because I couldn’t let go…not yet.
We’d had almost two decades together, yet this element of touching and kissing was entirely new, and I wanted to learn everything I could before I jumped a grade. I wanted to be fluent in her moans. I wanted to know her levels of need.
Already, I knew her legs spread whenever I grazed my fingers along her lower belly. Her gasps became heavy whenever I’d tuck aside a curl and murmur in her ear how much I wanted her.
But it wasn’t enough.
I wanted to know what made her snap.
And on the fourth night, I found the spot as she spread out her sleeping bag while I kneeled at the bottom of the bed and pulled off my t-shirt. Her bare leg flashed me, her ribbon tattoo with its R, bright blue and taunting.
Without thinking, I flipped her onto her back, grabbed her ankle and dragged her freshly river-washed foot to my mouth.