“No,” I said. “You don’t understand what happened.”
“No, I don’t understand. I guess I never will. Just go in and go to sleep. I’m exhausted, and so is Cory. We’ve been hired to play at a much more respected place. It’s taken a big effort and a lot of concentration, but that’s what responsible people do. They try their best. I’m warnin‘ you for the last time, Robin Lyn, you’re not goin’ to ruin my chances. Now go to bed.”
“Don’t you even want to hear anything?”
“No,” she snapped. “But I will tell you this. The next time you disobey me, I’ll call the police and I won’t come to the courthouse with you.”
She went into their bedroom and closed the door.
I was too tired to cry or to care. I went to bed and slept longer than they did. When I opened my eyes, I could hear them having their breakfast. The radio was on. I lay there, hoping they would get up and go out before I rose. Finally, she opened my door and stepped into the room. She was dressed.
“Well,” she began, “I suppose you’re proud of yourself.”
“Are you going to listen to me?” I asked.
“You can’t tell me anything that will justify your behavior since we arrived here, Robin. I told you when we left that I was goin‘ to need you to be a responsible person because I would be too busy to watch after you as if you was a child. I thought I was doin’ you a favor takin‘ you away with me. I thought you’d want to be part of my life, not a burden.”
“I’m not trying to be a burden, but I have this friend, Keefer Dawson, and…”
“I know all about him,” she said.
“You don’t know anything about him, Momma.”
“Oh, I’m Momma now, not Mother darlin‘?” she said, smiling.
“Will you just listen. He’s a very nice person. It’s not what you think or whatever that jealous Kathy Ann told you.”
She sighed and looked at the ceiling.
“Okay, you listen,” she said. “Cory went back to his friend at the supermarket, and he had a nice talk with him about you. His friend is willing to give you a chance, despite what you’ve done. This would help you a lot, too, Robin. The court will be pleased you’re doin‘ somethin’ worthwhile and respectable. You’ll be able to have some expense money and you won’t be idle and gettin‘ yourself in trouble.
“You go back there today and ask to see Mr. Ritter. We said you’d be there before two and you could start today. You better not screw this up, Robin. This is absolutely the last time anyone’s gonna do somethin‘ to help you.
“We’re goin‘ off to Del’s garage to work on our music for tonight. I want you to come right home after work. If I hear you went back to that boy, I’ll do what the policeman told me to do. I’ll have him arrested. You understand me? Well? Don’t just lay there glarin’ up at me, Robin. Do you understand?”
“Yes,” I said coldly. “I understand you real well, Mother darling.”
She flared her eyes, spun on her heels, and walked out, closing the door sharply behind her. I remained in bed until I heard them leave the apartment. I was certainly in no mood to see Cory and hear his sarcasm.
As soon as I could, I called Keefer.
“I’ve been afraid to call you,” he said. “What happened?”
I told him everything.
“We’d better be careful.”
“Did you call your sister and tell her about your mother?” I asked.
“Yeah, but she doesn’t want to come back for the funeral. She doesn’t want to see him under any circumstances, and she can’t do our mother any good anyway, she says. I guess I can’t blame her. I told her I’d see her someday, and I will.”
“You’re not going to just pick up and go without telling me, are you, Keefer?”
He was silent.
“Keefer?”
“No. I have some things to plan out yet,” he said.
“I’m going to see you no matter what my mother threatens. She won’t do anything anyway, because that would expose her even more and she’s too nervous about spoiling her chances to be a big country singing star.”
“Well, be careful,” he said.
I told him what they had arranged at the supermarket.
“Where’s that market?” he asked. After I told him, he was silent again and then he said, “That might be good.”
“Why?”
“I’ll tell you later when I see you,” he promised.
“When is your mother’s funeral?”
“It looks like it’s tomorrow. He’s just tryin‘ to get it all over with fast as he can so he can get back to his miserable ways. I wouldn’t a known anything if I didn’t call my cousin Charlie. He’s the only one on my father’s side has anything at all to do with him and only because he’s almost as much of a drunk.”
“I’d like to be there with you,” I said.
“I know, but maybe it’s better you stay away for a few days. I’ll find a way to get in touch. Sorry about all the new trouble I got you in,” he added.
“You didn’t get me into any trouble, Keefer. I get myself in trouble. That should be my middle name. My grandpa used to say he knew exactly who my father was. ‘He’s Old Scratch.’ ”
“Who’s that?”
“The devil,” I said, and laughed. “Maybe he was right.”
“Well, if all his daughters are as pretty and as nice as you are, he’s not so bad after all,” Keefer said, and we both laughed. “Be seein‘ you,” he said. His voice, small and hopeful, lingered in my ear after we hung up.
I didn’t have much of an appetite, but I made some fresh coffee and then had some toast and jam. I really didn’t want to go to work in a supermarket, but I had to agree that Mother darling was right about my earning some expense money, altough I wasn’t thinking of having it for incidentals and recreational expenses. I was thinking I would work awhile and save up enough to go off with Keefer some day, just as he dreamed. The idea became more and more exciting and possible. I couldn’t wait until we were together again and we could make some real plans. I would convince him to find some other work here in the meantime. With the two of us earning, we could have enough to travel and find a new and happier life someplace. Why not? Mother darling would probably be grateful. She probably wouldn’t even report my leaving to the police. As long as I wasn’t around and couldn’t hurt her reputation and spoil her chances, why would she care?
With new motivation and energy, I dressed and started out to make the best impression I could on Mr. Ritter at the supermarket. Before I left the complex, I stopped at Kathy Ann’s apartment. For once, she wasn’t planted in the window, watching for me or anyone else to fill her boring life with new gossip. But I was still fuming.
She opened the door, surprised and then immediately frightened by the look on my face.
“I’m not supposed to hang out with you, remember?” she said, and started to close the door. I put my foot in the way to stop it.
“I know you told where I would be last night. I know it was because of you that the police arrived.”
“I couldn’t help it,” she wailed. “Your sister came down here and begged my mother to let her speak to me. It was so late and my mother was very upset. My father was still asleep, thank goodness, or it would have been worse.”
“Why did you do it?”
“My mother called me out and she said if you know something to help this woman, you had better talk now, Kathy Ann, or I’ll see to it you’re punished for the rest of the summer.”
“You were just jealous,” I accused, my eyes fixed on her so firmly, she couldn’t look at me. “Charlotte Lily said you had a crush on Keefer and you were just a bitch, weren’t you?”
“No.”
“You know what I’m going to do? I’m going to tell Charlotte Lily what you did so she can tell every person who knows you what a creep you are to betray someone. No one will ever trust you again,” I vowed.
Her eyes filled with tears, and she shook her he
ad.
“I couldn’t help it.”
“Me neither. I can’t help it, either,” I said. “Go have something else to eat. Maybe they’ll take you in the circus some day,” I spit at her and walked away.
She closed the door behind me. I was sure she would be trembling all day and what she would try to do now was call everyone she knew and explain what happened. That, I thought, would create more problems for her, because I really didn’t intend to bother talking to Charlotte Lily. I couldn’t care less if she had any friends or not, but once she started to talk about it, they would wonder why she was being so defensive and that would be just as effective.
I left for the supermarket and arrived there about twenty minutes later. Mr. Ritter made me wait for nearly as long and then finally called me into his office.
“Well,” he said, “I try not to hire anyone with a history that would make me think twice about having them around money in my store, but I’m going to make an exception with you. You have a good friend in Cory Lewis,” he added. “I hope you appreciate that.”
It took all my effort to smile and swallow down the words I wanted to say, but I did and nodded.
“Even so, I want you to understand you’re on probation here, a test of sorts. I don’t expect you to ever, ever be late for work, understand? The floor manager, Tammy Carol Allen, will show you around, describe your exact duties, and tell you when you take a break and what’s expected of you. Don’t come here wearing makeup like a clown or wearing anything that might be inappropriate. You don’t smoke in the store, and I don’t want to see you chewing and cracking gum in your mouth, hear?”
“Yes, sir,” I said.
“Always be clean-looking and neat. People expect to see the employees looking that way. We’re handling food here. Never sass a customer, no matter what. You’re always polite and helpful. We pride ourselves on service. Always be sure to ask if the customer wants assistance with his or her packages, hear?”
“Yes, sir.”
“Okay, I have your information on the application you filled out. You go see Tammy Carol and she’ll give you your assignment. Mind,” he said when I stood up and turned to go, “you break any of my rules, there’s no second chance. You’re out. Hear?”
I wanted to say I hear fine, but I just gave him a plastic smile and nodded.
He kept his stern face, and I left.
Tammy Carol was a woman in her late twenties who looked ten to fifteen years older. She was the sort of person who enjoyed even an iota of authority. She let me know that on the floor, she was God, Jesus, and the Holy Ghost. She made me stand and observe other grocery packers for nearly half an hour before giving me a shopping center apron and assigning me to a cashier.
“You be sure to ask paper or plastic before you start,” she emphasized. “And you smile until your face hurts.”
I was tempted to say, “I guess yours never does, then,” but I nodded again and put on the apron.
All the while I kept one thought at the top of my mind: You’re doing this to be free. As soon as you can, you will be gone and this won’t even be a memory.
I wished I could treat the rest of my past life the same way and yet still have a future. Those who saw no tomorrow for themselves, I realized, would be forever stuck in their yesterdays.
That wasn’t going to happen to me.
11
The Best-Laid Plans
Whenever there was a lull in the supermarket, Tammy Carol was right behind me, assigning me to other duties, which included washing down the freezer areas, mopping floors, and stacking canned goods. Everything I was told to do, I was told as though it was as important as doing brain surgery. The cans had to be turned just so. The mop had to be moved from right to left in perfect squares. When I wiped down the glass cases, I had to use a circular motion, not making my circles too large or too small. I could feel her breathing over my shoulder, making sure I did it as she instructed, and from time to time, Mr. Ritter appeared to scrutinize my work.
It was constantly on the tip of my tongue to tell them where they could put this job, but I swallowed back the urge to scream and kept my plastic smile until it did exactly what Tammy Carol predicted it might: hurt.
Finally, it was quitting time. Mr. Ritter was there at the front door to watch me leave.
“You’ve passed muster this first day,” he said. “If you behave yourself accordingly, we’ll get along fine and you will work here for the remainder of the summer. If you’re really good, I might consider you for weekend work once you return to school,” he added as another incentive. He spoke down to me as if he was on a high throne and I was kneeling at his feet.
“Thank you,” I said.
I didn’t realize how tired I was until I was outside, walking to the bus stop. And then, as if my body wanted to take revenge on me for what I had put it through all day, I felt cramps beginning and realized I had forgotten the time of the month and I hadn’t brought any protection along with me, not even thinking about it when I passed the sanitary napkins and tampons on the store shelves earlier. I was in a small panic that grew more and more intense as the bus made stop after stop on its way to my station. By the time I arrived, I felt the beginning of staining and hurried out, practically running down the aisle.
I was surprised that Mother darling and Cory were home. I didn’t know that they weren’t starting this gig at their new and better place until later in the evening. They were now the principal act, and that meant they wouldn’t begin until about ten. When I came charging through the door, they both looked up in surprise.
“Well, at least she knows what come right home after work means now,” Cory quipped.
“How did you do?” Mother darling asked.
“I gotta go to the bathroom,” I said, and hurried on. When I got in there, I saw my tampons were gone, removed from the area under the sink where I had placed them. I opened the door and screamed, “Mother, where are my tampons?”
“You don’t keep things like that in the bathroom,” Cory replied for her. “I don’t like looking at them.”
“They were under the sink.”
“Next to my stuff,” he shouted back.
“Where are they?”
“They’re in your room,” Mother darling said. “Calm down, Robin.”
She brought them to me. I took them from her and slammed the door. I could hear Cory’s laughter.
“He’s a sick person,” I yelled.
“Yeah, right. I’m not the one stealin‘ and sleepin’ around. I wouldn’t be so quick to call anyone else a sick person. Besides,” he said when I came out of the bathroom, “we just wanted to be sure you weren’t pregnant, right, Kay?” He grinned at me.
I looked at Mother darling.
“That’s all I’d need now,” she said.
He kept grinning at me.
“Maybe you’re not sick,” I said. “Maybe you’re just ignorant.”
Before he could reply, I went into the bedroom and closed the door. I hate it here, I told myself. I hate it!
“That’s a fine way for her to behave after I go and beg Al to give her this job. And you’re eatin‘ and sleepin’ in my home!” he shouted.
“Not for long,” I said in a loud whisper. “Not for long.”
After they had left, I called Keefer, but no one answered at the shop. There was an answering machine, so I left my name and told him I would be home. I didn’t think he was going to call. It was nearly midnight and he hadn’t. I fell asleep curled up on the sofa watching television on that small set of Cory’s. Every once in a while, something would interfere with the reception. It sounded like someone on a two-way radio. Finally, the phone rang and I jumped up.
“Can you talk?” he began.
“Yes. They’re at work,” I said.
“I was with my cousin Charlie. He called to tell me my father had gotten dead drunk and he dropped him off at the house. I told him I wished he had dropped him off a bridge, and then he decided to come downt
own and meet me at the Giddup Saloon. We sat and talked for hours about my mother. He’s ten years older than me and remembers her as a young woman. He said she was quite a dancer. Imagine that,” Keefer said. “I don’t think I ever saw her dance.”
“Are you all right?”
“Me? Yeah. So, how was your first day on the job?”
“Hard,” I said. “They had me do everything but sweep the sidewalk outside, but I think that’s coming.”
“Don’t you work with a cashier?” he asked quickly.
“Oh, yes, most of the time. But if it gets slow and they have enough packers, they put me on stacking goods or cleaning.”
“When the cashiers are through with their shifts, they have to prove—check out—their registers, right?”
“Yes, why?”
“I have an idea. I’ll talk about it when we see each other again, if we ever do,” he added.
“Don’t be stupid. I’m saving almost everything I make so we’ll have money to get out of here together.”
“You are? That’s great,” he said. “What time do you work tomorrow?”
“Tomorrow I’m twelve to eight.”
“Okay. I’ll stop by about eight.”
“Let’s meet outside,” I said. “The manager is Cory’s friend, and he might tell him he saw you.”
“I’ll be in a blue Chevy with a bashed-in right front.”
“Keefer, how do you know these cars are safe to drive?” I asked, laughing.
“They’re safe. Don’t worry. The funeral’s tomorrow morning,” he added. “That’s why he got dead drunk tonight.”
“Oh. I could be there maybe.”
“No. It’s not going to be long.”
“Don’t get into any fights with him, Keefer.”
“I won’t. Charlie will keep him away from me. It’ll be all right.”
“I’m anxious to see you,” I said.
“Same here. I’d better get some sleep. You too. Take care, Robin,” he said.
I wanted to say more, but he hung up. I really was so tired and achy with cramps that I looked forward to falling asleep. It didn’t take long. I was in such a deep sleep that I didn’t hear Mother darling and Cory come home from their show. It surprised me to wake up with sunshine spilling over my face. At first I thought they had not yet returned. I imagined they had gone partying to celebrate their continued success, but when I stepped out of the room, I saw Mother darling’s outfit on the sofa, her boots on the floor. I had slept until almost nine-thirty myself and I didn’t hear a peep coming from their bedroom.