Hey, I was a lover, not a fighter.
Besides, at this point, three days later with three unanswered calls and five unanswered texts, I was pretty sure I wouldn’t be seeing her again.
Something hit me in the face. I looked down and saw that it was a potato chip. I picked it up and popped it in my mouth.
“What’s with you?”
I looked up and met my oldest brother’s curious stare. Lennox and I had gathered at Grayson’s apartment for our weekly poker night—where we routinely bet too much money and made the loser pay for beer the following week. This meant I paid for the beer every week.
Lennox usually won because he could lie about anything. And Grayson won almost as much. But not because he was a good liar. He was just a really good cheater.
I could never keep a straight face when I tried to cheat. So I always got caught. Every damn time.
And cheating meant you lost twice as much. Because…brothers.
Not that we discouraged cheating. It was pretty much the opposite. You were allowed to cheat as long as you got away with it. If you got caught you were disqualified from whatever it was, pickup games, board games, poker, stupid bets—whatever, name it. But winning by cheating made you practically king around the house.
If we were home, my mom would even make the cheater, umm, winner a sandwich.
She made the best sandwiches.
Grayson could get away with it until he got away with it. Then he had to gloat. He had a sandwich tally that he kept up to date. He would shove his superior sandwich numbers in our faces every time he got the chance.
I was such a good person compared to my brothers.
Lennox widened his eyes with impatience. “Dude, are you stoned?”
I rolled my eyes. “Don’t be an idiot.”
Lennox looked at Grayson. “He’s so full of himself.”
Grayson nodded, leaning back in his chair and kicking his legs out in front of him, effectively crowding the rest of us under the table. Grayson was the biggest out of the three of us. He had wrestled through college, and his bulky, Hulk-like body told the story of a pretty successful career.
But now that he didn’t need his bulging muscles to win matches, they were just overkill. And in my freaking way. I shoved my foot into his and glared at him.
He reluctantly shifted his legs out of my way and glanced at Lennox. “Someone should knock him down a peg or two. Teach him a lesson in respect.”
I let out a weary sigh. I didn’t have time for this. “Are we going to play or what?”
Lennox snorted. “Geez, you are pissy tonight. Is it that time of the month, Becks? PMSing again?”
I threw the empty box of cards at him with a flick of my fingers. It sliced through the air, but he swatted it away before it made contact. “I can’t believe you have a job. You’re like a twelve-year-old.”
Grayson chuckled, “We should have asked Ellie to play tonight. At least she would have tried. Even when she’s moody, she still wants to win.”
“She’s not moody anymore,” Lennox acknowledged thoughtfully.
“That’s because she’s in love.” The words were out of my mouth before I realized I was going to say them. For the second time this week, embarrassment flushed over me. God, that was irritating. I needed to get control of my runaway mouth before one of them bought me a box of tampons.
Both of them started laughing. Grayson tossed his head back, and Lennox leaned forward on the table using his bent elbow to support him. He was still dressed for work in a white oxford with the sleeves rolled at the forearms, although his jacket and tie had been discarded somewhere else in the apartment. Poker and potato chips scattered around him while he leaned over the table uncaring of the mess he was making.
“I’m just saying,” I muttered pathetically. I ran a hand over my face and contemplated just walking out of here. I didn’t need this shit. I checked my phone for the millionth time and resisted the urge to throw it across the room.
“Seriously, Becks, what is going on?” Grayson asked through puffs of laughter. “You’re moody as shit, and you won’t stop checking your phone. Did someone die?”
Lennox sobered, leaning forward further and staring so intently at me I felt the intense urge to poke him in his beady eyes Three Stooges style. “It’s a girl. He’s hung up on a girl.”
Grayson started laughing again.
I clenched my jaw together and ground my teeth so hard I thought they might crack.
“It is a girl,” Lennox declared. His entire face brightened at the possibility. He was like a dog with a bone. He would never let this go.
“It’s a girl,” I confirmed.
“She give you the HIV?” Grayson asked on a snicker.
“She pregnant?” Lennox echoed.
“She cheat on you?” Grayson was having fun now.
Lennox couldn’t help himself. “She’s a man, isn’t she? You found out she’s really a man.”
“You’re both idiots.” I ran a hand over my face and dug deep for patience I didn’t have.
“Come on, little brother,” Grayson coaxed. “Tell your older, wiser, more experienced brothers what’s going on. We can help.”
“Because you’re both in steady relationships with girls that expect you to call them the next day?”
They glared at me.
I let out a frustrated sigh and admitted, “It’s Britte all right? Ellie’s roommate.”
“Ellie as in our sister Ellie?” Lennox narrowed his eyes at me, completely confused. For someone that did so well in the corporate world, he wasn’t exactly the brightest crayon in the box.
Grayson didn’t seem any more clued in. “The dark-haired girl? The one with the weird makeup?”
“It’s not weird,” I defended immediately.
“Holy shit, he’s got it bad,” Lennox whistled while Grayson grinned like a clown.
I regretted opening my mouth. I should have just told them it was gonorrhea and let them bleach Grayson’s apartment together.
Lennox sat up, fully alert. “Well, my, my, my, our little Beckett is in love. I thought I’d never see the day.”
“Look,” Grayson chuckled. “He’s laughing at us.”
“I think I know why both of you are single.” I methodically popped my knuckles. I needed to appear unmoved by their stupid statements. If they caught the scent of any kind of weakness, I would have to hear about this for the rest of my life. And I did not want that.
For obvious reasons.
The most obvious being that my brothers thought they were funny, when they clearly were not.
Grayson leaned forward, “So you’re dating her then?”
I groaned and dropped my face into my hands. “I’m trying to date her. She keeps disappearing on me.”
“Is she Houdini?” Lennox laughed. “Maybe she’s not into you.”
“Maybe she’s just really into magic,” Grayson put in thoughtfully.
“She’s into me,” I argued and even I could hear the desperation in my voice. I wanted to pretend it was conviction, but I wasn’t sure anymore. I thought we were having a good time on Sunday. I thought coffee was going well and that she was having fun. She practically snorted coffee out of her nose…that had to mean something, right?
But then she just ditched me. She walked out without even telling me where she was going. I had to practically throw her in my car to make sure she got home safe. And nothing makes you feel like a bigger asshole than demanding an unwilling girl get in your car. Trust me on that one.
“If she’s into you, what’s the problem?” Grayson asked.
I looked up to see him watching me intently. He did that. Usually, he was the most serious of the four of us. He always had this drive to prove himself, to prove he could be better than anyone else. It was annoying. But it was also part of what made him him.
For as much fun as he had been having tonight, I felt it drain out of him. I felt the good humor leave him, and serious intensity filled its p
lace. He saw a problem, and now he needed to fix it.
It would have been funny if I wasn’t the problem he wanted to fix.
“I don’t know,” I said honestly. “I don’t get it. We have great chemistry. I can tell she wants to be with me. But there’s something stopping her.”
Lennox’s eyes narrowed, and he adapted the same investigative attitude as Grayson. “Did you cheat on her?”
“We’ve never been officially together. How could I cheat on her?”
He shrugged one shoulder, “I don’t know. Girls are weird like that. Sometimes they think you’re together before you’re actually together.”
That was true. I had been in that place way more times than I wanted to admit. But never with Britte. “Trust me, she knows we’re not together. She is constantly putting on the brakes.”
“It really hasn’t crossed your mind that she doesn’t like you?” Grayson asked, now defensive for her.
He didn’t even know her.
“She does. She’s all about me, when I can get her to focus. It’s just that, I don’t know. She’s scared or something.”
Lennox nodded along. “Yeah, I get that.”
“Dude,” I groaned. “Come on.”
“Is she like Ellie?” Grayson asked.
“No!” I fought the repulsion comparing Britte with my sister stirred inside me. “That’s gross.”
Grayson rolled his eyes dramatically. “That’s not what I meant, dumbass. I mean, is she competitive like Ellie. Does she get worked up like Ellie? They’re good friends; I’m wondering if they have those things in common.”
I thought about Britte running in the mornings with Ellie. My sister was many things, quirky, funny, smart and thoughtful. But she was also competitive. Very competitive. It was something my brothers and I had been proud to foster in her. It had made her a great athlete. And while she hadn’t wanted to compete at the collegiate level, she could have. She still worked out as if she did.
And Britte always worked out with her.
I knew because that was something I enjoyed paying attention to.
Britte. Not my sister.
Ew.
I thought about Britte and her biology major. Her intent focus was on school and getting great grades.
I thought about Britte leaving the coffee house a few days ago. It was the girls. I knew it was the girls even while I was too nice to push them away. Was that jealousy?
Obviously.
Yeah, she was competitive.
“She’s competitive,” I agreed.
“But you think she’s scared too?” Grayson led the discussion where he wanted it to go. Damn, Grayson. He was too perceptive for his own good.
“Yeah,” I confirmed again. “I do.”
“Then take the fear away and turn it into something she wants to win.”
I stared at my older brother and tried to sort through the confusion. “What do you mean?”
Grayson rested his elbows on the poker table; his elbows depressed the green felt, and his pointer finger tapped a poker chip impatiently. “Look, you think she’s scared of you, right? Scared of…I don’t know, whatever could be between you?” I nodded. “Then make it so she’s not afraid. Make it so she feels like it’s a challenge or something. Make her want to win it.”
A slow smile spread across my face as I realized what he was telling me. And I liked it. “Yeah, okay.”
“But don’t trick her,” Lennox added. “If she’s not into you, you have to back off, Beckett. You’re not a caveman. You don’t get to hit her over the head and drag her back to your cave. No means no.”
“Yeah, thanks, Dad.” I slid to the edge of my seat, ready to bolt. I had a plan now. I wanted to put it in motion.
“I’m serious, Beckett.”
I looked up at Lennox and shot him my most serious glare. “Dude, I know. Trust me, I know. And if she was saying no, we wouldn’t even be having this conversation right now because I would already have moved on. But she is not saying no.”
“Have you talked to Ellie about this?” Grayson asked when I pushed from my seat to stand up.
I made a sound in the back of my throat. “What, you think I need to ask for Ellie’s permission?”
“It wouldn’t hurt,” Lennox smiled. “She’s pretty loyal to people she likes. You need her blessing.”
Everything inside me resisted the idea of getting my little sister’s permission to date a girl. But maybe it would help if I had her on my side. Plus I could pump her for information and see if she knew anything I didn’t.
“This is a lot of work for one girl,” I sighed. I had chased girls before, but I’d never put this much time or thought into it. It made me pause and wonder if it was really worth it. What if she never came around? What if she never saw what could be between us?
Disappointment and exhaustion rolled through my body. It only took a second to remember what it was like to kiss her, to feel her legs wrapped around my waist and her body pressed against mine. I remembered laughing with her and how comfortable I felt.
That didn’t happen with most girls. Usually, I felt like I had to be on my game and had to force myself to pay attention and stay focused for the entire night. But with Britte everything was easy. She captured my attention immediately. And held my attention effortlessly. She smelled like peaches and bubblegum and her. Even at the coffee shop when she didn’t smell exactly right, she still did.
It didn’t make sense. I didn’t make sense. I couldn’t remember ever noticing how someone smelled before unless it was a particularly bad smell that I couldn’t forget. And yet, Britte was different. In every, unexplainable way, she was different for me.
Another thought followed quickly on the heels of that rabbit trail: What if she did see what could be between us?
What if it was all worth it?
Warmth and something deeper, something heavier came over me, and I shifted my shoulders to hide my reaction from my brothers.
“This is more than a quick lay for you?” Grayson asked from where he reclined in his chair.
I met his stoic expression and shrugged. “I’m not sure.” And I wasn’t. I wanted to finish what I started with Britte last spring. But what else did I want from her?
“You’re thinking girlfriend material?” he pressed.
“I’m not sure,” I repeated firmly.
“You’ll have to take her home. To mom.” Lennox had that shit-eating grin on his face again and my hand itched to punch it off.
“Well, I’ll cross that bridge when I get to.”
Lennox swung his gaze to Grayson. “First, he has to get her to talk to him.”
“She talks to me.” That might have been a little bit of a lie. She hadn’t said anything since my miserable attempt at a date.
My brothers turned their attention back to the poker table. They’d moved on.
“Good luck,” Grayson muttered. “You’re going to need it.”
“Let us know if she files a restraining order,” Lennox added. “I know some good lawyers. They can keep you out of prison hopefully.”
“Yeah, well, when this finally does work, you two jokers can come to me with your women problems. Clearly, you need help.”
They just laughed as if that was the most adorable thing they’d ever heard. The rat bastards. I shrugged it off and decided to buy the cheapest, shittiest beer next week. That would teach them a lesson.
“Whatever, assholes. I’ll catch you later.” I turned my back on them and moved to the door, flinging it open and letting it slam behind me.
I pulled my cell from my pocket on the way to the lobby. I punched in the code and scrolled through a couple of texts and social media updates. When I reached the parking lot, I couldn’t take it anymore. I had to put this theory to test. I took a chance and texted her.
Are you scared to talk to me?
I pushed my shoulders back, disliking the nervous feeling coiling in my stomach. I hated being unsure of myself. I hated this dark unc
ertainty and ominous feeling of disappointment. I didn’t want to put up with it.
I wanted to fix it.
I wanted to figure out a way around it.
I had spent my entire life overcoming obstacles. Maybe they weren’t the kind of obstacles that got turned into books or movies, but they meant something to me. They’d shaped me. They’d molded me into the man I was today.
I was proud of them.
Baseball for instance. It had taken a lifetime of dedication to become the player I was today. It had taken that same focus and drive to shape my body into someone worthy of the sport. I had applied the same amount of attention to my grades so that I would always be eligible to play, so that I could be eligible for a scholarship.
Britte was just one more unattainable goal that I would reach. It would take concentration. It would take training. It would take my complete effort and inventive creativity. But I would get there.
She didn’t stand a chance when I thought about it.
By the time I reached my black Dodge Charger, a graduation present from my parent’s last spring, she’d already texted back.
I’m not scared, Beckett. I just don’t have the time for you.
I smiled at her response. Well, damn. Grayson actually knew what he was talking about.
Give me another shot.
Her response was immediate. No.
Scared?
No.
I slid into the driver’s seat and sat there for a minute, thinking of something intelligent to say. Finally, in my infinite maturity, I decided on: Chicken.
Two full minutes passed before she came back with: You’re a child.
I let the conversation drop after that. I could sense her patience waning, and I didn’t want her to shut the door on me completely.
I just wanted her to feel the spark of a challenge, the dare I laid down. I wanted her to stay interested in me even if she didn’t want to think that she was.
I thought of Lennox’s words. No means no.
I knew that. That wasn’t something I had to learn as an adult. My dad had drilled that into my head as soon as I was old enough to understand it. I had been raised to respect women, to treat them carefully.