but the room swayed.
Cole started for me.
I waved him away, grabbing the couch to steady myself and easing myself back down. “No. I’m drunk. I didn’t eat today.”
He came closer, closing the distance until he stood on the other side of the coffee table from me. “You have every right to be upset with me. What I do, where I come from, that’s not something you should have to learn about at some high-society party. I’m sorry that happened to you.”
God. I gulped, meeting his eyes. I didn’t want to see the sympathy there, but I did, and somehow, it broke down a wall in me. A tear slipped from my eye. Much of my pain over this had nothing to do with Cole. “I feel like I’ve lost him all over again.”
Cole didn’t say anything.
I lowered my head. “I had no idea.” I pointed to my computer. “None of this. Liam kept it all secret from me, too. And now it makes sense—why his family never accepted me, why he had meals with them alone, why his younger brother never came home.”
“I’m sorry, Addison—”
“Did you know?” I demanded. “Did you know who I was? Who Liam was?”
He shook his head. “You applied for this place while I was gone. I’m not here that often, so I’m not kept abreast of everything that happens. Dorian runs the building. I trust him. He told me there was a new resident, but I never questioned him about you. It wasn’t until…”
“Until?”
“Until I saw you tonight. I recognized your in-laws, and everything came together.” He hesitated. There was something more he was going to say, but he held it back. He only said, “I didn’t know either. I never even thought…” He let out a deep sigh, taking the seat next to mine on the couch. “Addison, you did nothing wrong. Nothing.”
I pointed to the article on the screen. “It says the Mauricio family and Bertal family are enemies.”
“Were enemies.”
I snorted. “You didn’t look too friendly tonight.”
The corner of his mouth lifted. “Yeah. Well, there’s a long history of bloodshed, but as of now, the peace still holds between us.”
“That’s good?”
“It is.”
But his eyes were wary, his jaw clenched. His mouth pressed in a solemn line, and I felt a heaviness from him. “You’re lying.” I saw behind his mask.
His eyes widened, sharpening on me.
I sat up, leaning closer to him. “You don’t let me in, but I’m starting to be able to read you. Just a little bit. Something is going on, isn’t it? Between the Bertal family and yours?”
“Addison.”
“Tell me the truth.” Then a whole other idea hit me. “Unless you think I’m part of them. Is that what you think?”
He shook his head. Pain flared in his eyes before he masked it, like he always did. He pushed himself back—an inch, maybe two, but it felt like a rejection. “That’s…that’s the other problem we have.”
“What?”
“I want to tell you. I want to tell you about me, about my family, about my friends. But I can’t.”
“Because of Liam?”
“Because of his family.”
A lump formed in my throat. “They said they’re not a part of that.”
He shook his head. “They’re lying. Liam’s grandmother was a direct descendant of the founding Bertal family.”
“What does that mean?”
“Liam’s great-grandfather started their family business. There were other siblings, but Bea Bertal was active. She ran the books. Even if Liam’s parents claim they aren’t a part of the business, the money trickled down to them, down to Liam, too.”
The inheritance. “What does that matter? You said there’s a truce. What does that have to do with you and me?”
“There might not always be peace.”
His words took mine away. I could be an enemy? Was that what he meant?
“It just means things are complicated,” he added after a moment. “You and me. We’re complicated now.”
My mouth went dry. “You and me?” There was a we to even be complicated? “You’ve been gone for a month.”
“I couldn’t get back until today. Things…got complicated for me.”
“And you can’t tell me about that. You stopped calling and texting. You can’t tell me why? Just like you can’t tell me anything about yourself or about your family, or even about your friends. None of that, right? Because I’m connected to the Bertal family even though I’m not a part of them.” I could feel a flush rising up, covering my neck. It wasn’t the happy kind of flush either. “You’re keeping me out because of people who could be my allies? Am I getting this right? Allies that never showed me any support, that are suing me.”
I shoved off the couch and started to pace. Back and forth. I hugged myself, wrapping my arms tight. “This is ridiculous. All of this. I loved him. I loved Liam so much, and they want to—I don’t even know what they want. They want the house? Is that why they’re suing me? They didn’t give a shit about the house. They didn’t give a shit about me, not until lately.”
“What are you talking about?”
“And you.” I flung a hand out, pointing at him. “You—all hot and hella good in bed. I mean, fuck. Like, fuck. Pun intended. I haven’t felt anything for anyone until you. You swooped into Gianni’s, and my best friend went gaga for you, but I did too. I mean, you’re gorgeous, and you’re ripped. And I always knew you were dangerous. I could just tell. Listen to your gut, that was what Liam always told me. He said if I don’t know what I’m doing, I’m supposed to listen to my gut. Well, my gut took me to your penis, and now look where we are. Your family wants to kill my family, and my family—I don’t even like my family. I’m a Bowman, dammit. I was a Sailer, and your driver called me Sailer. Why did he call me Sailer?”
“My what?”
“The driver downstairs. He called me Sailer.”
Cole frowned. “I don’t know. That order came through Dorian.”
“I thought he said you told him to drive me home.”
“The order came from me, but it would’ve been Dorian who called him.”
“Oh.” I cleared my head. I could still feel that flush; it was covering my ears. “I was a Sailer, but I’m not anymore. I’m a Bowman. No matter who I’ve been with, I’ve always been a Bowman. I’m not a Bertal. I am not with them. I was haunted every day and every night after Liam died, and it only stopped when I came here.” I stared at Cole, but it was more than staring. I had so many damn walls.
I was tired of the walls, of the secrets, of the not knowing. My voice grew hoarse. “I stopped hearing his voice after I came here. I can still feel him, but in a good way—like we’re laughing together again, or he wants me to be happy. And the nights with you… I haven’t felt like myself in so long. You gave that to me. I wasn’t Liam’s wife or his widow those nights. I was me. I was Addison. That’s all I was, and I loved it.”
Tears fell down my cheeks
I whispered, “I came to you, and the ghosts left me.”
His eyes darkened, and he stood. He moved close, stopping just out of reach. I could feel his heat. My walls were down now, so were his. The mask was gone, and I saw the lust inside of him. I saw more, a whole lot more, but I clung to the lust because my body was starting to react. My mouth watered, and that ache—the ache that hadn’t been filled in a month—began to throb once more.
I wanted him.
He grinned, faintly, before taking the last step. His body touched mine, and I closed my eyes, savoring the feeling. Hard. Strong. And more, so much more.
“I’m going to pick you up,” he murmured. He spoke to me like I was a wounded animal. Like he wanted to comfort me, but he didn’t want to scare me away. He was soothing and seducing me all at the same time.
And that was exactly what I wanted.
Bending down, his hands touched my waist, and he stood again. I wrapped myself around him and held tight. I couldn’t have made myself let go, even if I wanted to. I was his. He was mine. I didn’t care what would happen. I couldn’t deny this feeling. I needed him.
He looked up into my eyes. “Now I’m going to walk you back to the bedroom.”
“I have an idea where this is going.”
He drew a deep breath, his eyes growing soft. “I’m going to do everything you want me to do. I won’t do anything you don’t want me to. If you want me to hold you, I’ll never let you go. If you want me to kiss you all night long, you’ll have to buy me chapstick in the morning. Anything you want, I’ll do.” He carried me to the bed and laid me down. His arms never let me go. He bent over me, my arms and legs still wrapped around him. His forehead rested against mine, so softly, matching his voice, “Except leave. That’s the only thing I won’t do.” His eyes searched my face, studying every detail.
“I’m going to help you become Addison once more. Just you. Just me. No one else.” And then, as his mouth touched mine, gently, tenderly, he did as he’d promised.
Cole was in the mafia. The motherfucking mafia.
The sun had begun to creep in. It was probably around seven in the morning, and I lay there, wide awake, as he slept next to me. The sheet trailed down, resting a little higher than his waist, giving me a good eyeful.
I knew his chest and back were contoured with muscles, but I didn’t know about the scars. I saw them clearly now, scattered all over him. There were two holes in his chest: one by his shoulder and another lower on his side. I leaned over and touched the latter. It was bigger than the other and had been stitched up, leaving a little ridge where the stitches healed.
This man—I studied his face again. His eyes were closed, his body relaxed, and he looked peaceful. I realized how little I knew about this man. He was the head of his family, but what did that mean? The articles I’d found on the web said Carter Reed had run the family until last year. One blog went into more detail than the others and said he’d been the one to name Cole as the new leader.
My mind raced.
If there was peace between the Mauricio family and the Bertals, why did Liam’s parents seem guilty of something? They were scared and tense, and all that jazz, but there was more under the surface. Carol had gotten the same look on her face the one time I confronted her about the women she kept pushing on Liam. I went to her house, told her to stop bringing them around. She’d looked ashamed that day, but only that day.
I saw that same look last night.
Maybe it wasn’t just that peace doesn’t always last, as Cole said, but that it was already ending?
I skimmed a hand down Cole’s side. He rolled over on his stomach and buried his head under my pillow. One of his arms came to rest on my waist, scooping me closer to him. I waited, but a second later his breathing evened out, like he’d fallen back asleep.
“Your thinking is waking me up.” One of his eyes opened. “Stop thinking. It’s annoyingly loud. I haven’t slept in three days, and all I want to do is stay in bed with you. Go to sleep, Addison.”
“What does it mean?”
“What does what mean?” His arm tightened its hold around me. It felt nice.
“Can we be like this? I mean, with my connection to the Bertals and yours to, well, you know.”
Could Cole get in trouble? Could I? And what did trouble even mean in his world? Death? I shuddered at that thought.
“It means…” He caught my hand at his hip, lacing our fingers together. “…that I can’t share anything with you.”
“And if you do?”
He rolled to his back again and observed me. His eyes darkened. “And if I do, then you’re in. You’re all the way in.”
My stomach flipped over. “What does that mean?”
“You’re officially a traitor to your in-laws and everyone else connected to Liam’s life.”
His hand traveled up, covering my side, over my arm, leaving shivers in its wake. Or maybe those were from his words. I was starting to not discern the difference.
“Does something happen to me? If they cast me a traitor to them?”
He shook his head. “You mean, do they kill you or something?”
God. I couldn’t answer. I could only move my head up and down.
“No.”
The ball of tension that had formed in my stomach loosened a notch. “Are you sure?”
“I’m sure. They’ll only put a hit on you if you have something to give me, something they don’t want me to have.” His eyes narrowed. He seemed to be waiting for something.
“What?”
“Nothing.” He caught my other hand and pulled me over on top of him. My breasts rubbed his chest and he wrapped his arms around my waist, anchoring me in place. “We can’t go public, not unless you’re ready. It has to be your decision.”
“What do you mean?”
“They’ll cut you off. There won’t be an order on you, but I meant what I said. Any ties you had to Liam’s family will be severed. Is there anyone you care for?”
I laughed. “No. I don’t even have to think about that question. I’ve always talked as little with his family as possible. His dad never cared about our marriage, and his mother hated it. Liam didn’t get along with his sister, and I never met his younger brother. We felt like it was us against the world sometimes.”
Cole’s gaze drifted to my lips and lingered there. He traced my bottom lip with his thumb. “They didn’t like you because you weren’t Bertal-approved. I can tell you that.”
I lifted my head, and he let go of my lip. “I don’t even know what that is.”
“They like to marry within their structure of associates. I’m sure Carol had other women she wanted Liam to wed. You’re an outsider. Outsiders are…” He hesitated, eyeing me. “They can be a risk.”
“I read some articles that talked about an Emma person? She’s with your friend Carter, the one from last night. Is it the same for her as it is for me?”
He shook his head. “No. Emma was an outsider from the beginning. She wasn’t connected to another family, and Carter has known her a long time. They kinda grew up together. It’s more difficult with you because you’re connected to the enemy. If we went public and this, whatever it is, didn’t work out, you’d still be looked at as a traitor. You chose the enemy.”
It seemed logical in some stupid, schoolyard way. “I’m not connected to them anyway, so I can’t imagine feeling any worse. I guess it doesn’t matter to me because Liam’s—”
I moved off of him to sit on the bed. Cole turned to watch as I rested the side of my face to the tops of my knees. I couldn’t hide my sadness. “Grief is a bitter fuck-you pill, isn’t it?”
He grunted. His hand went to my leg and began caressing it—for comfort, nothing more. “I wasn’t lying when I told you about my family. I lost every family member, one after another, until it was just me. Grief and I go way back.” He smirked. “We’re old pals.”
“I’m sorry.” I couldn’t imagine that. I didn’t want to. “I wanted to go with him.”
“Addison,” Cole murmured, sitting up beside me.
I tucked my forehead into my knees. The little girl in me wanted to close my eyes and disappear.
“It hurts to start living without them. I get it.”
I was tired of the invisible weight on my shoulders. Cole lifted it, always, but this time I decided I was ready to choose to let it go. I tried for a smile. “So I guess there is a we if we’re talking about how we can’t go public?”
“We can be a we,” he teased, “if you don’t care what your in-laws do.”
“Even on good days, I don’t give a damn about them.”
“You said they’re suing you?”
I nodded. “They’re fighting my right to sell our house. They’re saying Liam bought it with their money, but he didn’t. He got some inheritance from his grandmother, and he used that money to pay for the house.”
“Was there a buyer ready?”
I shrugged. “Not that I know of.”
His glanced away, and I felt him pulling away, too.
“Hey.” I touched his hand. “What are you thinking?”