I bit my cheek.
“He loves you and I can see that you love him, too. But I can also see something in your eyes and it’s the same look I used to have,” she stated.
“I’m sorry. I’m sorry for everything that you had to go through.” Was all I could say.
She smiled. “Thank you.” She hugged me and then walked away, leaving me more confused than I already was.
If that was even possible.
We said goodbye to everyone and went back to my condo. I took a shower and put on a green nightie with matching panties. Devon was watching television when I came out.
“Are you okay? You were quiet the whole ride home. I don’t think I’ve heard you say a word since we left.”
I cocked my head to the side. “Home?”
“What?” he answered, confused.
“You said home… I’ve been quiet the whole way home.”
He shook his head, brushing it off. “Bambi, you know what I meant.”
“Do I?”
“Where is this coming from? What’s going on?”
I sat at the edge of the bed. “What are we doing, Devon? I mean… are we playing house? What? What is this?”
“I don’t know,” he honestly spoke.
“We’re just getting closer and more attached to each other the longer we keep this up.”
He shrugged. “And what’s wrong with that?”
“I’m not leaving VIP, Devon,” I finally shared. “You know that, right? I’m not leaving.”
“Why? I don’t understand… why?” he argued, getting upset.
“Because it’s my home. I am VIP. I don’t want to leave; it’s who I am.”
“Oh yeah?” he countered. “Then who are you when you’re with me? Huh? Who’s this girl?”
I scratched my head annoyed and confused. “I don’t know. I don’t know who the hell she is.”
“I know who she is. She’s Brooke, she’s my Bambi, and she’s my girl. That’s who she is.”
“Jesus Christ, what did I do?” I stated as a question, rubbing my forehead back and forth.
“You act like being with me is such a bad fucking thing! Like you’re breaking some goddamn rule or something. It makes no fucking sense,” he roared.
“I’m not doing this, I don’t want to argue with you.”
“Then what, Brooke… what the fuck do you want to do? Please enlighten me because I have no clue. I know you want to be with me. I want to be with you, too.”
“Devon, you will never be okay with me being with other men and women, that’s not who you are.”
“I’m okay with it now.”
“Because we haven’t made any promises to each other. We aren’t together, Devon, we’re like a fucked up version of friends with benefits, except we’ve involved feelings and shit. And now we’re stuck.”
“What do you want, Brooke?”
“I want it all.”
He shook his head, disgusted. “Seems like you’re more like your father than you thought,” he viscously spewed, regretting his words instantly from the look on his face.
“Get the fuck out!” I reacted.
“Bambi, I didn’t—”
“Get out, Devon, I’m not fucking around; get the hell out! Now!”
“Jesus, calm down. I’m sorry, you know I didn’t mean it.”
“Get out! Get out!” I screamed bloody murder.
He got off the bed and grabbed his pants, putting them on. “You know what? This is just your fucking excuse to mess up a good thing. That’s all you do. It’s like you don’t want to be happy, and you find every goddamn excuse in the book to push people away. I’m not your damn punching bag. You want me gone, you don’t have to ask me twice.”
He grabbed his shirt and walked out of my bedroom.
I threw the vase of roses that I had rescued from the garbage can behind him, and they shattered against the wall.
I heard my front door slam, and I closed my eyes falling back onto the bed. I didn’t sleep all night; his smell was all around me. I woke up the next morning and washed my sheets, knowing that it wouldn’t do any good. He had already engrained himself into my life. He was deep under my skin and in my heart, like a permanent tattoo that couldn’t be removed.
I was waiting for the other shoe to drop, and it did.
Except, I was the one that dropped it.
The weeks flew by and it was Christmas Eve. I hadn’t spoken to Brooke since Thanksgiving… I would be lying if I thought she wouldn't call me or look for me. But I was wrong. She hadn't so much as texted me; I hadn’t either. I was tired of being the one that went to her. I couldn't do it anymore, as hard as it was for me to walk out of her life.
I did.
I threw myself back into work and spent time with my family. All of them worried about me, but no one asked what happened. They just knew. I spent the evening with my son and family, and tried my best to enjoy the holiday. However, all I could think about was her…
That’s it.
The nightmares came back and I was barely sleeping. I was mentally and emotionally drained and exhausted. I wanted so desperately to go to her, but my pride wouldn’t let me. A big of part of me was terrified that I would find her with another person. That I would find that she was happy; like I had never come into her life to begin with. I couldn’t bring myself to endure that kind of pain or heartache. So I stayed as I was.
Ethan was falling asleep a little before midnight, so I decided to take him home. I promised my family I would be back early the next morning to open gifts. He fell asleep in the car and I laid him in his room, tucking him in and closing the door behind me. I went to my liquor cabinet and poured myself a whiskey neat and again I thought of her.
I looked over at the clock and it read twelve twenty.
“Merry Christmas,” I said to myself. I was about to take a sip of my drink, when I heard the light knock on my door.
I looked around the room confused that anyone would be at my door that late. Never did I imagine who would be standing on the other side…
Awaiting me with open arms.
It had been a month since he walked out of my life. I threw myself right back into work, pretending as if he had never come into my life to begin with.
I wish I could tell you it was easy.
I wish I could tell you that I didn’t think about him.
I wish I could tell you I didn’t care.
But again…
I would be lying.
It was Christmas Eve and I got dressed for a Christmas party at my parents’ house. I wore a black pencil skirt and a red button down blouse, with my black Louboutin shoes. I curled my hair and framed it all around my face.
Hiding.
My father and I had not spoken since that day at the restaurant. He had left several messages, but I had ignored each and every one. I was nervous to see him again, but I knew he wouldn’t try to talk to me in front of all his guests. I was safe. I still didn’t know how I even felt about the situation.
By the time I made it to my parents’ house, the same one I grew up in, the round circular driveway was packed with cars. I grabbed the bottle of Cabernet that I brought with me, and asked the hostess at the door if they could get the Christmas presents out of my car. They quickly obliged.
I was greeted with a glass of champagne that I took down in one gulp, and grabbed another. I found my mother first.
“Brooke baby, I have missed my girl,” Mom said, pulling me into a hug.
“Hi, Mom,” I greeted, hugging her back.
“Let me see you.” She pulled away, grabbing me by my shoulders. “You’re so beautiful. I’m so happy you’re here.”
I smiled.
“Your father is around here somewhere and your sisters are by the bar.”
“Okay.”
“I love you, baby.”
“I love you, too, Mom.”
She hugged me one last time before I walked into the living room and was pulled in all sor
ts of directions; hugging and greeting everyone.
“Hey, sis,” Courtney addressed with April standing beside her.
“What are you two lushes doing over here?”
They laughed. “Wait until you have kids, Brooke, you will have a glass of wine every night,” April said.
“But they’re so cute to make up for it.”
“They are. Have you seen them?” she asked.
“I think I did, they were playing with some other kids that I didn’t recognize.”
“Hey, Brooklyn, long time no see,” Jeff, Courtney’s husband interrupted.
“Hey, doll,” I replied, kissing his cheek.
“Do you mind if I steal my wife from you. I would like to take her to the dance floor.”
Courtney lovingly smiled. “He’s just trying to get laid.”
“Well, you have three kids, I’m pretty sure he gets laid often. By all means.”
“We will catch up later.”
“Of course.”
“How have you been? I feel like I haven’t talked to you in months,” April said, as we watched them walk away.
“You know me… a little of this, a little of that. I’m all over the place.”
“You always were, even when we were kids. You always had to march to the beat of your own tune.”
I nodded, laughing.
“God, look at them,” she noted, nodding toward our parents. “Can you believe they’re still that happily married?”
They were holding each other close, dancing. Dad caught our stare and he sadly smiled over at us, but I knew it was meant for me.
“I’m going to go find Greg, and our kids who seem to be lost somewhere.”
“Sounds good.”
She cocked her head to the side. “Are you okay, Brooke?”
“Yeah…. why wouldn’t I be?”
“You just look different. You sure you’re okay?”
“Absolutely.”
“Alright. I’ll find you in a bit.”
I nodded. I asked the bartender for a whiskey neat and then watched couples dance; everyone mingling and having a great time. Except for me. I walked onto the patio and looked up at the full moon, remembering the last time I saw one. I was in Devon’s arms and I was happy.
I was blissfully, contently happy.
“You’re still one of the most beautiful women I have ever seen,” a voice said from behind me.
I closed my eyes, silently praying that I imagined it.
“It’s been a long time, Brooke, too long.”
I didn’t have to turn to know who was standing behind me.
Landon.
I took a deep breath and turned to face him. He looked older, but still handsome. The front pieces of his hair fell into his face, and he was wearing a black suit. He appeared taller and broader than I remembered, but still had the same look about him.
The nice guy look.
“Hi,” I whispered.
“You look so grown up.”
“So do you… I guess we’re not kids anymore, huh?”
“I don’t think you were ever a kid.”
“That’s probably true. You look good.”
“You look beautiful.”
I shyly smiled. “Thank you.”
“God… what’s it been? Ten, eleven years?”
I nodded. “Something like that…” I cleared my throat, my mouth suddenly becoming dry. “What are you doing here?”
He raised an eyebrow. “Aren’t you happy to see me?”
“Of course, I’m just surprised that’s all. I haven’t seen you at one of these in years.”
He nodded. “Our kids go to school with April’s kids.”
I bit my cheek. “Our kids?”
“Yes. My wife and I.”
“Oh… you’re married?”
“I am. For almost six years now.”
“Wow, good for you.”
“You’re not married,” he stated as a question. “I ask April about you sometimes. She says you’ve turned into a pretty private person. She doesn’t see you that often, but her kids adore you.”
I chuckled. “I have that effect on people.”
“That you do.”
We were silent for several minutes, looking at each other; thinking about the unknown possibilities.
“So…” I murmured, breaking the stillness. “How many little people do you have?”
“Three. Two boys and a girl.”
“I bet you spoil her rotten.”
“I do. She definitely has me wrapped around her little finger. They’re inside playing with your sister’s kids.”
“Oh I saw them. They’re beautiful.”
“They take after my wife… lucky for them.” He meant it as a joke, but it felt more like a dig.
At me.
“Where’s this beautiful wife of yours?” I replied, trying not to sound hurt.
“She’s inside talking to Christine.”
“Oh wow Christine is here, too?”
“She is. She actually saw you come out here and told me.”
“I see,” I hesitated. “Why are you out here?” I blurted, needing to know the answer.
“Can’t an old friend say hello?”
“Old friend?” I raised my eyebrows. “Is that what we were?”
“I’d like to believe so. At times I wished we could have been more.”
“I was really messed up back then, Landon. Fuck…” I breathed out. “I’m still messed up.” I took a few gulps of my drink. “But you… you were always such an amazing guy; a nice guy. I didn’t deserve all that kindness. This may be too late, but I’m so sorry. I’m sorry I led you on; shit I’m sorry I hurt you.”
His eyes widened in shock like he couldn’t believe what I said. To be honest I couldn’t believe it; it just came out.
“Wow. You have grown up a lot. Thank you, that means a lot coming from you.”
“I know.”
“You know… you weren’t the only one who fucked up, Brooke... I did, too. I was really young and stupid; I didn’t understand. Now that I’m older, I can understand why you were the way you were. Seeing that… you know… it would fuck any kid up. But your parents, damn they still look as happy as I remember them.”
“Yeah, they do. I don’t get it and I probably never will.”
“Being a great father and being a great man; are two very different things.”
My mouth parted. That is such a simple statement, with such a huge meaning.
“Honey, there you are. I’ve been looking all over for you.” A woman with brown hair and petite facial features; walked out the screen door. She was curvy, but tiny and pretty. Not what I would have imagined Landon to end up with; she looked like a doll.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t think I’d be out here this long.” He put his arm around her and she leaned into his embrace. “Brooke, this is my wife Aubrey, Aubrey this is Brooke.”
“Nice to meet you, Brooke, I’ve heard so much about you. It’s nice to finally put a face with a name.”
I was caught off guard that she knew about me. It took me few seconds to reply. “Umm… nice to meet you, too. I’m going… I’m going to find my sisters. I’ll see you guys inside.”
I rushed past them.
“Brooke?”
I turned and looked at him.
“It was nice to see you again and catch up.”
I nodded and looked down at the ground, not being able to watch them together any longer. The night continued on. It was near midnight, and all the families got together; waiting to exchange greetings, presents, and love.
I stood with mine and watched from afar…
I watched Landon with his wife and kids; they were huddled around the tree, his little girl in one arm and his wife in the other. They looked like they came right out of a Hallmark holiday card. Perfect in every way.
“That could have been you,” she whispered from behind me. “He loved you so much, Brooke, he would have given anything up fo
r you. That family, his wife, his kids; it could have been you. You broke his heart. It took him years to get over you, and I know in his heart that a big part of it still belongs to you.”
My eyes watered and my lip trembled.
“Do you regret it? Do you wish you could go back and change things? Make it different? If you could, would you? I know you loved him, Brooke, and by the way you’re looking at him right now; a part of you still does.”
I turned my neck to look at her. She looked exactly the same, still crazy beautiful.
“Christine…” I spoke.
She smiled. “I wanted you to be my sister for so long. I’ve missed you so much these last few years. You have no idea how much I’ve needed you. I’ve needed my best friend.”
Tears fell down my face. “I’ve missed you, too.”
My mother’s old grandfather clock chimed with the stroke of midnight.
“Merry Christmas, Brooke.”
“Merry Christmas, Christine.” I hugged her; I hugged so tight that I didn’t think she could breathe. She was the first to pull away; she smiled and made her way toward her family. I swiftly brushed away the tears and hugged my family. Everyone was so happy, but I felt like I was dying inside.
I took one last look in Landon’s direction; he was staring at me. He knew. We stood there, locking eyes from across the room. Years and years of regret and mistakes piled up on me. It came crashing down like a boulder had just exploded. I couldn’t breathe. I felt like I was suffocating. He sadly smiled at me and I sadly smiled back.
When he nodded, I didn’t think twice about it. I immediately turned and ran to my car.
I found myself on his doorstep before I could blink an eye. He answered shirtless and devastatingly handsome, with a drink in his hand. My heart literally skipped a beat and I jumped into his arms.
“I’m sorry, Devon, I’m so fucking sorry,” I sobbed.
He wrapped his arms around me, one behind my back and the other behind my head. “Shhh… it’s okay… shhh…” he murmured into my ear; my face securely tucked into the nook of his neck.
His kindness.