“A man will do almost anything for a woman who satisfies him well. It’s the source of female power,” Gavin responded. The only movement was the faint pale twist of smoke from his cigar. “Alexandra—what was done to you in slavery? I know it must be difficult to speak of, but I need to understand.”
Her nails cut into her palms painfully. “It wasn’t so bad at the beginning. The voyage to Maduri was short. If it had been longer, I might have been given to the crew. A widow is much less valuable than a pretty young virgin.
“In Maduri, I was bought by a merchant, Payaman. He was plump and middle-aged, and his special pleasure was collecting different sorts of women. He owned Chinese, Indians, Africans, a blond Circassian—all shapes and colors. He wasn’t a bad fellow, really. He liked women and a comfortable life, and couldn’t understand why I screamed and fought when he tried to bed me.
“His head lady tried to make me understand how fortunate I was. All I had to do was behave, and I’d have a life of luxury. Tuan Payaman would probably only sleep with me a few times until the novelty wore off. But I was frantic to go after Katie, and I fought him off every time he sent for me. Eventually he decided there was no point in having a European woman who wouldn’t let him touch her, so he sold me to Bhudy.”
“The one who might have fathered your child?”
She began shaking. “Unlike Payaman, Bhudy liked resistance. When I fought, he called his guards and…and they chained me down. I wasn’t the first—there were brass hooks embedded in Bhudy’s bedroom floor.”
Gavin made a sharp, involuntary movement. “How often did that happen?”
“Whenever he got bored with compliant women. But after a few months he also decided I wasn’t worth the trouble.” She stood and began pacing the room in agitation. “To teach me a lesson, he decided to sell me at public auction. He had me chained down again and raped me one last time. Then he…he let the guards have their way with me.”
“Dear God.” Harsh silence filled the room. “How did you survive without going mad?”
“I thought of Katie. Even more, I imagined the ways I would kill Bhudy if I could. May rats eat his liver, and his precious male organs rot and fall off.” She reached the wall and pivoted, her hands clenched as she paced back and forth. “Payaman’s head lady was right—I would have been much wiser to submit quietly to her lord. If I’d done that, I would never have been defiled by Bhudy and his horrible guards.”
“If you hadn’t fought, you’d have spent the rest of your life in Payaman’s harem, and Katie would never have met her grandmother.” His voice was very gentle. “You should have been born a man, Alexandra. You have a warrior heart.”
“You’re not the first to suggest I’d have been better off as a man,” she said, her bitterness overflowing. “Certainly I wasn’t woman enough to keep Edmund from acquiring a mistress after Katie was born.”
Gavin swore under his breath. “Any man who could be unfaithful to you was acting from his own weaknesses, not yours.”
“Perhaps—I never knew why he did it. Maybe the fact that I was a mother meant I was no longer a woman worthy of desire,” she said wearily. “At least he was discreet. His mistress was a pretty Irish girl who’d been transported for theft. She was our maid. When I found out and confronted him, he refused to discuss the matter, but he did move her into a small house on the other side of town so I never had to see her again. I was grateful for that.”
“I’m surprised you can bear to be in the same room with a man.”
“Luckily, I’ve known many men of the better kind.” She couldn’t imagine the colonel being unfaithful to her mother. Of course, her father had been willing to bed anything in skirts. At least Edmund wasn’t like that. The thought was cold comfort. “Gavin, I need to understand you also. What was it like for you and your wife? How did you learn so much about women when your experience has been with only one?”
He rubbed at his temple as if memory was painful. “Helena and I were like clumsy young puppies—completely innocent but full of enthusiasm. We both wanted so much to please that we did. As for having limited experience—knowing one woman very well is a better education than knowing dozens in a purely physical way.”
That was true; she’d known much about Edmund, and nothing about her rapists other than their brutish bodies. Grateful Gavin hadn’t left in disgust when he learned the extent of her violation, she asked, “Now that you know the full story, what comes next?”
“There is no way to punish those who abused you—we must leave that to God. The best revenge is for you to surmount your experiences to live a full, happy life.” He blew a slow trickle of smoke toward the window. “So we allow time to perform its magic. You’re only a few months out of slavery, and you’ve only just returned to your homeland. When you invited me to stay with you earlier, my instincts said it was too early, but I wanted to believe otherwise, so I certainly share some of the blame for tonight’s disaster.” His voice was rueful. “It’s easy to delude oneself where desire is involved, and I desire you greatly.”
Darkness made it possible to say, “I’m glad to know that I don’t disgust you. That you can still desire me despite the hell I’m putting you through.”
“The greatest prizes are the hardest won.”
“If difficulty creates worth, this should be a very valuable marriage.” She tried to make her voice light, without much success. “More than time, we need for me to separate desire from anxiety. I…I don’t know how to do that. But at least I have some idea where to start.”
She didn’t want to end the night with them so separated, so she made herself cross to where he sat. “Thank you, Gavin.” She took his hand and pressed it to her cheek, hoping she could absorb his strength and compassion. “You give me hope.”
His hand tensed noticeably, but he squeezed her fingers before gently disengaging. “For now, let us concentrate on living. Meeting each other’s friends, finding a house, creating a life together. The rest will come.”
She nodded agreement in the darkness. For now, that must be enough.
Chapter 20
EVENTUALLY GAVIN’S weariness drove him to his bed, though not to sleep. He was haunted by visions of Alex being brutally ravished. How could any man do such things to a woman? Though he’d known his share of callous, violent men, he still found such behavior incomprehensible.
He was, to his shame, still painfully aroused. If Alex had been able to finish what they’d begun, perhaps the worst would be behind them. Now he wasn’t sure he’d be able to bring himself to initiate physical intimacy again, since her rejection had been as harrowing emotionally as it was physically. It was up to her to make the next move when she was ready—if she ever was. Though he’d talked confidently, now that he knew the full scope of what she had endured, he recognized bleakly that she might never recover enough to be the joyful lover he longed for.
He reminded himself that despite their problems, they had the foundation of a good marriage: commitment, mutual desire, and the ability to talk honestly to each other. Enough to counterbalance what they didn’t have.
For now, he could allay the pain of arousal, though he found no real satisfaction in doing so. But at least his whirling mind finally slowed enough to rest.
After a few restless hours of sleep, he rose early and dressed, then wrote a note to his friend Maxwell—no, blast it, Wrexham now—while keeping an ear tuned to the sounds of Alex rising and preparing for the day. When he judged that she was ready, he tapped at her door.
“Come in,” she called.
He entered and found her wearing another fashionable gown, this one a soft, expensive blue that enhanced her fair skin. She looked like a stylish London beauty—except for the shadows in her eyes which spoke of things no society matron could know. For an instant he was paralyzed by multiple images of Alex in slavery that obscured the woman she was now.
When he saw how warily she regarded him, he clamped down on his reaction to the past and gave her a
light, husbandly kiss on the cheek. “Shall we go down to breakfast, my dear?”
Smile bright with relief at his casual manner, she took his arm. “I long for a huge English breakfast. The food on the Helena was good for a sailing ship, but still…”
“A long way from a decent breakfast,” he agreed. They chatted easily as they went downstairs, united in an unspoken agreement to keep their problems private.
After Gavin gave his note to the butler for delivery, he and Alex entered the sunny breakfast parlor. The adults of the household, plus Katie, were helping themselves to a variety of foods set in warming dishes on the sideboard. More hugs all around. Gavin had never seen a British family so affectionate. Maybe the hugs would end when the Kenyons were used to having Alex back. Gavin hoped not; he found that he quite enjoyed being hugged by Lady Michael, with her warm serenity, or the duchess, who radiated sunny, good-natured charm.
As Gavin and Alex settled down with the food they’d selected, Lord Michael asked, “Do you ride, Captain? Catherine and I are going out to the park after breakfast, and we thought it would be pleasant if you and Alex joined us.”
“I know one end of a horse from the other and can generally stay on if the beast doesn’t have strong opinions about where to go,” Gavin said, thinking that if this was a test, he was going to fail. Sailing ships presented few opportunities for riding. “But I’m willing to try if Alex wants to go.”
“The horses we bring to London are steady in temper,” his father-in-law assured him. “Alex, have you forgotten how to ride?”
She grinned. “Wait and see.”
Katie swallowed a mouthful of egg before proclaiming, “Mama was the best lady rider in Sydney. Everyone said so.”
“I haven’t been on a horse in—heavens, over a year! I doubt I’ve forgotten how to ride, but I’ll have to borrow a habit.” Alex ruffled her daughter’s hair. “Katybird, you and I must find ourselves a dressmaker now that we’re home. We can’t borrow clothes from our kind relations forever.”
“I thought the three of us could do that tomorrow morning.” Lady Michael smiled at Gavin. “I’m sure you’ll be glad to know that your presence is not required.”
“I am relieved beyond measure,” he said promptly.
The rest of the breakfast was like that—light teasing, discussion of plans for the day, welcoming the other two girls of the household when they came down, yawning. Gavin liked that the young ladies weren’t relegated to the nursery for all their meals. The atmosphere was so relaxed that he half wondered if Ashburton was really a duke. The man seemed far too human. He could have been a New Englander whose greatest pleasure was in having his family around him.
The spacious stables where they met after changing into riding clothes were certainly ducal, and the horses were first-rate even to Gavin’s inexpert eye. Alex, splendid in a scarlet habit with military styling, quickly made friends with a handsome dark bay gelding. Gavin rather envied the horse for the way she murmured endearments to it. He settled for helping her into the sidesaddle, enjoying her scent and foaming skirts and the supple warmth of her waist. His own chestnut mount was mercifully placid.
For the short blocks to the park, Gavin rode beside Lady Michael and Alex with the colonel. He was bemused to find himself in the middle of the aristocratic life he’d always despised. Well, he was too stubborn a Yankee to change his mind about class merely because he’d married into a family he could actually like.
When they reached the park, which was quiet at this hour, Lord Michael said to Alex, “Do you think you can beat me to the far end of Rotten Row?”
“We’ll see!” Alex and the bay tore off at a gallop, her stepfather a half stride behind and laughter floating behind them.
Gavin remarked, “Alex was born on a horse, right?”
Her mother chuckled. “Not quite, but she had her first riding lesson when she was about three, and of course Michael has spent half his life on horseback. I love seeing them like this—in some ways she’s more like Michael than any of the other children even though they’re not related by blood.” She gave Gavin a sidelong glance as they entered the park at a more sedate pace. “You and Katie seem to get along well.”
Hearing the unspoken question, he said, “When Alex and I agreed to marry, Katie and I were already friends so it was easy to become family.” He smiled. “Plus, she has the making of a good navigator.”
“I’m glad to hear that,” his mother-in-law said, clearly not talking about navigation. Her gaze went to her husband and daughter, who were far down the path. “For a man who has lived a demanding, very masculine kind of life, I think a little girl can be rather magical.”
“You must have been very grateful for that, Lady Michael.”
“I was. By the way, you may call me Catherine if you like. I’m used to living in Wales, where life is rather less formal than London.”
“Very well, Catherine.” He studied her heart-shaped face, the elegance of her posture as she rode sidesaddle in perfect form. “I must hope that Alex continues to take after her mother. If she does, I’ll be a much envied man for decades to come.”
“Flatterer,” Catherine said with amusement. “And too modest about your riding abilities. You’re a very competent horseman.”
“As a boy I raced over the Scottish hills on my pony as if I were immortal,” he admitted. “But I’ve not ridden regularly since going to sea.”
“The skill will come back quickly.” Catherine adjusted the veil of her dashing top hat. “How badly was Alexandra mistreated? Rape? Torture? Beatings?”
Shocked by the bald question, Gavin involuntarily tightened his grip on the reins, making the chestnut shy with confusion. “What makes you ask a thing like that?”
“Don’t be a fool, Gavin.” Catherine’s aqua eyes were ice cool. “I’m her mother. Don’t you think I can see how much she’s hurting?”
Wishing he were somewhere else, he said, “Alex doesn’t want to talk about what happened. Last night was the first time she’s spoken even to me about what she suffered in slavery.”
“The truth may appall me, but I won’t be shocked.” Her mouth tightened. “I spent a dozen years nursing in countries at war. I know how vile men can be, and how women are used when social rules break down. If you don’t tell me the truth, my imagination will conjure up worse horrors than whatever happened.”
Seeing her expression, he asked, “Have you been…?” He stopped, knowing he had no right to ask.
“Raped? No, though it was a near thing more than once. I ask again, Captain Elliott—what happened to my daughter?”
“Rape, and more than once,” he said bluntly. “No deliberate torture, but beatings because she would never surrender. No permanent physical injuries, but the emotional wounds are still raw.”
“I see. Thank you for telling me.” Catherine swallowed hard. “Don’t you dare pity her. She would hate that more than anything.”
That was good advice—the pride that had kept Alex from breaking would despise the condescension of pity. “I said earlier that I hoped Alex would be like you when she gets older. I now find the prospect terrifying. You’re an alarmingly perceptive woman, Catherine.”
“I’ve made mistakes, and learned from them.” She glanced at him again. “Do you love my daughter, Gavin?”
He hesitated as he searched for the right words. “I was married before, and losing my wife and infant daughter left me so numb I thought I could never marry again. With Alex, everything is different. She inspires respect, desire, friendship, and a yearning to protect. I care for her deeply. That’s a kind of love.”
“Not the unequivocal answer I hoped for, but thank you for your honesty.” Catherine’s gaze was shrewd. “You’ll do, Gavin. Alex was fortunate to find you.”
“I’m benefiting as much as she is,” he said with dry humor. “I’ve always wondered what it would be like to have a large family prying into my business. Obviously I’m going to find out.”
Alex was
happy to see that by the time she and the colonel had galloped off their high spirits, Gavin and her mother were well on their way to becoming friends. If her husband and parents hated each other, she’d be in a devil of a position.
As the party headed back to Ashburton House, she fell in beside Gavin. “That was wonderful. I’ve missed riding dreadfully.”
“Is this a way of saying that we need to look for a house with decent stabling?”
“If we can afford it, yes,” she replied. “You like riding too, don’t you? You’re doing rather well for a sailor.”
“I do enjoy it, but I’m going to ache all over tomorrow.”
As Gavin smiled at her, the sun emerged from behind the clouds and gilded him with light. The sheer physical beauty of his fair hair, tanned skin, and powerful shoulders sent a swift surge of desire burning through her.
It was gone in an instant, suffocated by her revulsion with sex. Yet for a few heartbeats, attraction had been uncontaminated by fear and anger.
It was a beginning.
After they stabled the horses and entered Ashburton House, the butler approached with a note for Gavin. He broke the seal. “Wrexham has invited us to dine with him and his wife today. Would you like to go, Alex, or do you have other plans? I think you’d like them.”
“Of course I want to meet your friends.” She made a face. “I’ll have to borrow still another dress from my mother. I’d forgotten how tiring it is to always be changing clothes. There is something to be said for a simple sarong and kebaya.”
“I’m beginning to suspect that requiring different costumes for different activities is how the upper classes fill their time,” he agreed. “Like you and Katie, I’ll need to add to my wardrobe. What I have was not made for London’s society or weather.”
Their gazes met with amused understanding before she turned to climb the stairs. Who could have guessed that she would come to yearn for the clothing of the Indies? Those months had shaped her in good ways as well as bad.