Bapi, the legendary businessman of the Kaligaris family, I pictured as being at least six feet two. He's not. He's teeny. Maybe my height. He wears thick brown double-knit trousers even though it's over a million degrees here, and a white shirt with a zipper at the collar. His shoes are cream-colored vinyl. He's sort of moldy and speckled in that old-man way. He's very shy.
I feel like I should just love them right away. But how do you do that? You can't make yourself love someone, can you?
I'm taking good care of the Pants. And I miss you. I know you won't judge me harshly for being a brat, ‘cause you always think better of me than I deserve.
Love you lots.
Lena
The sunset was too beautiful. It almost made Lena feel panicked because she couldn't save it. The blobs of paint on her palette, usually inspiring, looked hopelessly drab. The sunset burned with a billion watts of light. There was no light in her paint. She put her palette and her carefully prepared panel on top of the wardrobe so she didn't have to look at them.
She perched on her windowsill, gazing at the lurid sun soaking into the Caldera, trying to appreciate it even though she couldn't have it. Why did she always feel she had to do something in the face of beauty?
She heard the bustle of a feast being prepared downstairs. Grandma and Bapi were celebrating their arrival with a big meal and a bunch of neighbors. Her grandparents had sold their restaurant two years ago, but they hadn't lost their love for food, Lena guessed. Spicy, rich smells, one after another, floated upstairs into Lena's room, mixing together for a preview of the full meal.
“Lena! Almost ready!” Grandma shouted from the kitchen. “You dress and come down!”
Lena threw her suitcase and her duffel bag on the bed, so she could keep her eyes on the window. Getting dressed was rarely exciting to her. She wore practical clothes, “stodgy, dull, and pathetic,” according to her friends. She didn't like people having more reasons to look at her, to think that how she looked made them know her. She'd been the show pony too often as a child.
Tonight, though, there was a little carbonation in the bottom of her stomach. Carefully she dug under layers of clothes to find the Pants. They felt a little heavier than they deserved. She held her breath as she unfolded them, letting loose a thousand wishes into the air. This was the beginning of their history, their life as the Traveling Pants. As she pulled them on she felt the enormity of making them count. She momentarily tried to picture herself having big moments in the Pants. For some reason, she couldn't shake the vision of Effie wearing them instead.
She stuck her feet into a pair of beat-up brown loafers and headed downstairs.
“I made a meatball,” Effie declared proudly from the kitchen.
“Keftedes,” Grandma clarified over her shoulder, equally proud. “Effie is a Kaligaris. She likes to cook and she likes to eat!” She gave Effie a hug to confirm what a good thing this was.
Lena smiled and went into the kitchen to praise and investigate.
She and Effie were already putting on their turtle-and-hare show. Everyone paid lots of attention to Lena at first, because she was striking to look at, but within a few hours or days, they always fully committed their attentions to exuberant, affectionate Effie. Lena felt Effie deserved it. Lena was an introvert. She knew she had trouble connecting with people. She always felt like her looks were fake bait, seeming to offer a bridge to people, which she couldn't easily cross.
Grandma cast a look at her outfit. “You are wearing that to our party?”
“I was thinking so. Should I wear something fancier?” Lena asked.
“Well . . .” Grandma did not look particularly stern or judgmental. She looked more mischievous, like she had a secret she wanted you to ask her about. “It isn't a fancy party, but . . .”
“Should I change too?” Effie asked. Her shirt was dusty with breadcrumbs.
Grandma was about as good at keeping her secrets as Effie was. She looked at Lena conspiratorially. “You see, there is a boy, he's like a grandson to Bapi and me. He's a nice boy. . . .” She winked.
Lena tried to freeze the pleasant look on her face. Was her grandmother seriously trying to set her up with a guy less than six hours after she'd arrived? Lena hated being set up.
Effie looked pained on her behalf.
“His name is Kostos,” Grandma plowed on, oblivious. “He is the grandson of our dear friends and neighbors.”
Studying her grandmother's face, Lena had a strong suspicion Grandma hadn't just cooked up this idea in the last hour. She suspected Grandma had been plotting something for a long time. She knew arranged marriages were still popular among Greek parents, particularly in the islands, but God!
Effie laughed awkwardly. “Um, Grandma? Boys love Lena, but Lena is very hard on boys.”
Lena's eyebrows shot up. “Effie! Thanks a lot!”
Effie shrugged sweetly. “It's true.”
“Lena hasn't met Kostos,” Grandma said confidently. “Everyone loves Kostos.”
“Sweetheart!”
Carmen's heart took off faster than her feet at the sight of her dad waving his arms at her from behind the Plexiglas half wall delineating gate forty-two. She felt like a cliché, running like that, but she loved it anyway.
“Hey, Dad!” she called, throwing herself at him. She savored that word. Most kids got to use it constantly, thoughtlessly. For her it lay unused, stashed away so many months of the year.
He held her tightly for just long enough. He let go, and she looked up at him. She loved how tall he was. He took her shoulder bag and tossed it over his own shoulder even though it was light. She smiled at the way he looked with her turquoise sequined bag.
“Hi, baby!” he said happily, putting his free arm around her shoulder. “How was the flight?” he asked, steering her toward the baggage claim area.
“Perfect,” she said. It was always awkward, their uneven strides with his arm around her shoulders, but she liked it too much to mind. Let other girls who saw their fathers every day complain. She saw hers only a few times a year.
“You look beautiful, bun,” he said easily. “You grew taller, I think.” He put his hand on the top of her head.
“I did,” she said proudly, always pleased at the idea that her height made her like him. “I'm five six and a half,” she reported. “Almost five seven.”
“Wow,” he said from his height of six foot two. “Wow. How is your mother?”
He always asked that dutiful question within the first five minutes.
“She's fine,” Carmen always answered, knowing her dad didn't want a full answer. Year after year, Carmen's mother continued to be rabidly curious about her dad, but her dad only asked about her mom to be polite.
Noiseless drops of guilt colored Carmen's pleasure. She was almost five seven, but her mother wasn't even five feet tall. Her dad called her bun and said she was beautiful, but he didn't care about her mom anymore.
“How are your buddies?” he asked, as they squished together onto the escalator, his arm still around her shoulders.
He knew how it was with her and Tibby and Lena and Bridget. He always remembered the details of her friends' lives from the last time he talked to her.
“It's a weird summer for us,” she answered. “It's our first summer apart. Lena's in Greece with her grandparents; Bridget's at soccer camp in Baja California. Tibby's home alone.”
“And you're here all summer,” he said, with an almost undetectable question in his eyes.
“I'm so glad to be here,” she said, her answer loud and clear. “I can't wait. It's just weird, you know? I mean, not weird in a bad way. Weird in a good way. It'll be good for us to branch out a little. You know how we get.” She was babbling, she realized. She hated for her dad to be uncertain.
He pointed to a conveyor belt, zipping luggage around in a circle. “I think this is for your flight.”
She remembered the time in Washington, when he held both her hands over her head while she rode
the carousel halfway around. Then a guard yelled at them, and he pulled her off.
“It's a big black one with wheels. It looks like everybody else's,” she said. It was strange that he'd never seen her suitcase before. She'd never seen him without his.
“There!” she said suddenly, and he pounced. He pulled her suitcase off the conveyor belt as though his life had prepared him for that job alone. The turquoise sequins on her shoulder bag sparkled.
He carried the big suitcase instead of rolling it. “Great! Let's go.” He pointed them in the direction of the parking lot.
“Do you still have your Saab?” she asked. Cars were one of the interests they had in common.
“No. I traded it in this past spring for a station wagon.”
“Really?” She couldn't quite make sense of that one. “Do you like it?”
“It does the job,” he said, steering them right to it. It was a beige Volvo. His Saab had been red. “And here we go.” He opened her door for her and settled her in with her bag before loading her suitcase into the back. Where did dads learn these things? Why didn't they teach them to their sons?
“How did school finish up?” he asked her as he maneuvered out of the parking lot.
“Really good,” she answered. She always looked forward to giving him the rundown. “I got As in math, bio, English, French, and an A minus in world history.” Her mother thought she worried about school too much. To her dad, grades mattered.
“Bun, that's fabulous. And sophomore year is an important year.”
She knew he wanted her to go to Williams, just like he had, and he knew she wanted to too, even though they didn't say it to each other out loud.
“What about tennis?” he asked.
Most people she knew hated these kinds of dad questions, but Carmen worked all year for them. “Bridget and I played first doubles. We only lost one match.”
She wouldn't bother to tell him that she got an F in pottery—it wouldn't go on her transcript—or that the boy she'd crushed on all year asked Lena to the prom or that she'd made her mother cry on Easter Sunday. These conversations were about her victories.
“I got a court for us on Saturday,” he told her, accelerating onto a highway.
Carmen studied the scenery. There were motels and strip developments like there were around almost every airport, but the air smelled heavier and saltier here. She studied her dad's face. He had a tan already. It made his blue eyes stand out. She always wished she'd gotten his eyes rather than her mother's brown ones. His hair looked recently cut, and his shirt was crisp and neatly cuffed. She wondered if he'd gotten a raise or something.
“I can't wait to see your place,” she said.
“Yeah,” he said absently, glancing into the rearview mirror before he changed lanes.
“Isn't it pretty amazing that I've never been here before?” she asked.
He concentrated on the driving. “You know, bun, it's not that I haven't wanted you to come long before this. I just wanted to get settled better before I brought you here.” There was a trace of apology in his eyes when he glanced at her.
She didn't mean to make him uncomfortable. “Dad, I don't care if you're settled. Don't worry about that. We'll have a great time. Who cares about settled?”
He exited the highway. “I couldn't see bringing you into my hectic life. Working so much, living alone in a one-bedroom apartment. Eating every meal out.”
She couldn't talk fast enough. “I can't wait for that. I love eating out. I'm sick of being settled.” She meant it. This was the summer of Carmen and Al.
He didn't say anything as they drove along small wooded suburban streets with big Victorian houses rising on either side. Raindrops burst on the windshield. The sky grew so dark it felt almost like nighttime. He slowed down and stopped in front of a cream-colored Victorian with green-gray shutters and a wraparound porch.
“Where's this?” Carmen asked.
Her dad cut the engine and turned to her. “This is home.” His eyes were distant and a little mysterious. He didn't seem to want to take on the open surprise in hers.
“That house? Up there? I thought you lived in an apartment downtown.”
“I moved. Just last month.”
“You did? Why didn't you tell me on the phone?”
“Because . . . there's a lot of big stuff, bun. Stuff I wanted to say in person,” he answered.
She wasn't sure how she felt about big stuff. She turned in her seat. “So? Are you going to tell me?” Carmen was never graceful about surprises.
“Let's go inside, okay?”
He opened his door and hurried around to her side before she echoed his okay. He didn't get her suitcase. He held his coat over both their heads as they climbed stone steps up to the house.
He took her arm in his. “Careful. These steps get slippery when it rains,” he said, leading her up the painted wood steps of the front porch. It was as though he'd lived here forever.
Carmen's heart was thumping. She had no idea where they were or what to expect. She felt the shape of the apple in her bag.
Her dad pushed open the door without knocking. “Here we are!” he called.
Carmen realized she was holding her breath. Who would be here?
Within seconds a woman came into the room with a girl who appeared to be about Carmen's age. Carmen stood baffled and stiff as the woman and then the girl each hugged her. They were quickly followed by a tall young man, about eighteen, Carmen guessed. He was blond and broad, like an athlete. She was thankful that he didn't hug her.
“Lydia, Krista, Paul, this is my daughter, Carmen,” her dad said. Her name sounded weird in his voice. He always called her sweetheart or baby or bun. He never called her Carmen. She thought that was because it was her Puerto Rican grandmother's name, and Carmen Sr. had sent him several nasty letters after the divorce. Her father's mother was dead. Her name was Mary.
They all stared at her expectantly, smiling. She had no idea what to say or do.
“Carmen, this is Lydia.” Pause, pause, pause. “My fiancée. And Krista and Paul, her children.”
Carmen closed her eyes and opened them again. The soft lights around the room made floaty spots in her vision. “When did you get a fiancée?” she asked in a near whisper. She knew it wasn't the most polite phrasing.
Her father laughed. “April twenty-fourth, to be exact,” he said. “I moved in mid-May.”
“And you're getting married?” She knew that was an incredibly stupid thing to say.
“In August,” he said. “The nineteenth.”
“Oh,” she said.
“Quite amazing, isn't it?” he asked.
“Amazing,” she echoed faintly, though her tone wasn't the same as his.
Lydia took one of her hands. Carmen felt as though it no longer belonged to her body. “Carmen, we are so thrilled to have you this summer. Why don't you come inside and relax? Would you like a soda or a cup of tea? Albert will show you your room so you can get settled.”
Albert? Who ever called her father Albert? And what was all this about getting settled? What was she doing in this house? This wasn't where she was spending her summer.
“Carmen?” her dad said. “Soda? Tea?”
Carmen just turned to him, wide-eyed, not quite hearing. She nodded.
“Which? Both?” her dad pressed.
She looked around the kitchen. Stainless steel appliances like rich people had. There was an oriental carpet on the floor. Who had an oriental carpet in their kitchen? There was an old-fashioned southern-style fan overhead. It turned slowly. She could hear the rain beating against the window.
“Carmen? Carmen?” Her dad was trying to mask his impatience.
“Sorry,” she murmured. She realized Lydia was poised at the cupboard, waiting for orders. “Nothing for me. Could you please tell me where I should put my stuff?”
Her dad looked pained. Did he see how distressed she was? Did he notice? Then the look vanished. “Yes. Come with me. I'll s
how you your room, then I'll bring your suitcase right up.”
She followed him up carpeted stairs, past three bedrooms, to a bedroom facing the backyard with a thick peach-colored carpet, antique furniture, and two Kleenex boxes cased in Lucite—one on the bureau and one on the night table. It had curtains and a dust ruffle all right. And she would bet one billion dollars there was at least one box of baking soda in the refrigerator downstairs. “Is this the guest room?” she asked.
“Yes,” he answered, not understanding what she meant. “You get settled,” he said, using that idiotic word again. “I'll bring your suitcase up.”
He started for the door. “Hey, Dad?”
He turned. He looked wary.
“It's just that . . .” She trailed off. She wanted to tell him it was pretty inconsiderate not to give her any warning. It was pretty harsh walking into this house full of strangers without any preparation.
In his eyes was a plea. She felt it more than she saw it. He just wanted it to be nice between them.
“Nothing,” she said faintly.
She watched him go, realizing she was like him in another way. When she was with him, she didn't like to say the hard things.
Dear Bee,
The summer of Carmen and Al didn't survive past the trip from the airport. My dad is now Albert and is marrying Lydia and lives in a house full of Kleenex boxes and is playing father to two blond people. Forget about all the things I imagined. I'm a guest in the guest room of a family that will never be mine.
Sorry, Bee. I'm being self-absorbed again. I know I'm a big baby, but my heart is rotting. I hate surprises.
Love you and miss you,
Carmen
“Lena.”
Lena looked up from her journal as Effie appeared in her doorway. Effie scrambled in and sat on her bed. “People are here, you know. The party's starting.”
Lena had heard voices downstairs, but she was prepared to pretend she hadn't.
“He's here,” Effie continued meaningfully.
“He?”
“Kostos.”
“So?”
Effie got a look on her face. “Lena, I'm not kidding; you've got to see him.”