Naturally, unable to keep my mouth shut, I told him I was already ruing. That’s when the blood vendetta came into play, blah, blah, blah, and I’d never heard from him again. I rarely thought about it. It was just one of those things that happened to me.
“I get into shenanigans,” I told Morgan.
“So I’ve noticed. We still need to finish our conversation.” I couldn’t tell if that was a warning or a threat. “But it can wait. Find the keep and let me know what you see before you approach. Understood?”
“Yeah, love you, boo,” I said and broke the connection before he could squawk righteously at me as he was wont to do. I stowed the crystal in an inner pocket in my tunic and walked down the Old Road toward Tarker Mills.
Gary, Tiggy, and Ryan looked back at me upon my approach.
“And this is Sam of Wilds,” Gary said. His voice was even, but he still held himself stiffly. “The apprentice to the King’s Wizard.”
The stranger was an older woman. She wore a long flowing dress, green and orange and red. Her hair was gray and braided in a thick ponytail that rested over her shoulder and against her breast. There was a sash of sorts across her chest. No weapons that I could see. She looked sweet and kind, like a grandmother should. Tiggy and Ryan seemed charmed by her. Gary was not.
“It is an honor to meet you, Wizard,” she said, ignoring the apprentice that Gary muttered under his breath. Her voice was calm and serene. I felt myself relaxing just by the few words she spoke. “I am Eloise, the mayor of Tarker Mills. I understand you have traveled far.” She held out her hand and I took it briefly. Her skin was warm and smooth. She dropped my hand a moment later.
“Ma’am,” I said politely. “You’ve got a lot of corn.”
“That we do.” She sounded amused. “We’re the main supplier to the northern region of Verania. The mountains aren’t conducive to such a crop. Tarker Mills has fed many people over the centuries. We’re quite proud of what we do here.”
I was closer to her now. I could see the lines around her eyes and mouth. The pattern on her dress. The intricate design on the sash across her chest, angles and planes that curved into purposed design.
Near the top of the sash, at her shoulder, was the pattern of a dragon stitched in great detail. Black with mottled wings.
Huh.
How about that.
I averted my eyes quickly.
But she was sly, that Eloise.
She said, “Word has spread about your quest.”
“Has it? People tend to talk too much.”
She smiled. “They do. But it is an epic undertaking, is it not? To rescue a stolen prince.” She glanced over at Ryan. “My condolences for your loss.”
“I haven’t lost anything,” he said. “Just temporarily misplaced. We’ll get him back soon enough.”
“Will you?” she asked, and I knew now why Gary was uneasy. “That’s good to hear.” She looked back at me. Her eyes were big and blue. “I was telling your companions how honored we were to have you come to our little village. We don’t often get visitors of your caliber all the way out here. You must let us house you for the night before you continue on down the road.”
“Sounds good,” I said before anyone else could speak. “It will be nice to have a warm bed for a change.”
She nodded before her eyes flicked over my shoulder. I looked back and saw black smoke rising above the tree line. Fucking fire geckos.
And redirected lightning that I had no idea how I did. Aside from the fact that I somehow willed it so.
“Uh,” I said. “Yeah. About that. Fire geckos, man. Just… a bunch of fire geckos. Nothing else.”
“Yes,” she said, all calm and level and so fucking tranquil. “We do have a bit of a problem with them out here. Nasty creatures, those. I’ll have some people from the village watch the fire to make sure it doesn’t jump the road. It’s the absolute worst thing to have any sort of flame near the corn. Why, only a madman would think otherwise.”
“Ha,” Tiggy said. “Firework corn. Poor Sam. Ideas all broken and sad.”
I glared at him.
Eloise turned back toward Tarker Mills, and Ryan and Tiggy followed. Gary and I purposely fell behind.
“She’s weird, right?” he whispered to me. “Gave me the heebie-jeebies.”
“Maybe it’s just that she seems so nice,” I whispered back. “We don’t know many nice people. We don’t know any nice people.”
“I’m nice.”
“You’re bitchy.”
“Close enough.”
“Look, just keep your eyes open, okay? No separating. Keep any questions and answers as vague as possible. Don’t let anyone approach you from behind without you knowing it.”
“You should let Ryan approach you from behind.”
“Gary. Now is not the time.”
He snorted. It came out periwinkle and mint. “It’s always the time for you getting sexed up in the butt.”
“I’m going to feed you to Eloise because I bet they turn out to be cannibals.”
“Nah, they’ll be witches in disguise that need your fingernails for a potion.”
“Fuck.”
“Yeah. That sounds about right.”
TARKER MILLS was a small hamlet set against the backdrop of the Northern Mountains miles in distance. The buildings and house were built of wood and mud and brick. There were men and women in the fields working with the corn. People smiled at us as we entered the village, waving and saying hello and making us feel more welcome than any other place we’d been before.
It was all bullshit.
No one could ever be that nice.
It was eerie and off-putting.
Vaguely, I wondered if maybe I was just too cynical, but I pushed that away because no, I had a healthy amount of cynicism and Tarker Mills was creepy.
So I gave them my own creepy smile back, wide and welcoming.
And they smiled wider. I almost expected them to burst into song, to sing about how wonderful the world was and how perfect people were, and love and rainbows and butterflies and puppies. And, of course, cheesy dicks and candlesticks.
They didn’t, but I’m sure it was close.
A feast! they said. A feast for the travelers.
Eloise smiled and decreed it so.
As we were paraded around Tarker Mills, long wooden tables were brought out to the center of town, covered in blue and green tablecloths. We were handed mugs of mead and wine and ushered toward the tables.
Great plates of food were brought out. Cornbread. Corn tortillas. Corn soup. Corn on the cob. Corn casseroles. Cream corn. Corn salad.
“You guys really like your corn,” Ryan said.
“Oh, Knight Commander,” a man laughed. “You’re just being corny.”
Everyone laughed except for us. Because it wasn’t funny.
It was terrifying.
Sex puns I could understand.
Corn puns were beyond my realm of comprehension.
I smiled weakly and ate more corn.
Gary, Tiggy, and Ryan followed suit.
There were about fifty people altogether in Tarker Mills. There didn’t seem to be any children, which I thought was odd. Everyone appeared to be my age or older, and from what I could see, Eloise was the oldest person in the village.
“What brings you this far north?” Eloise asked from her spot at the head of the table.
I looked up and found all eyes on me. I put down my fork slowly and rested my hands on the table. “Our quest,” I said slowly. Because she’d been the one to bring it up first and now she was acting like she didn’t know.
Eloise arched an eyebrow. “Oh? How exciting.”
I smiled at her. “Very. That’s an interesting sash you’re wearing.”
She reached up and touched it briefly. “Thank you. It was handmade here in Tarker Mills.”
A clue! “The detail is very… detailed,” I said. Then I tried to hold back the wince because holy fuck, that was not sub
tle.
Gary groaned, but he was too far away for me to try and kick him.
“It’s all about the details, don’t you think?” Eloise asked.
“Usually,” I agreed. “Details are important.”
“What is important to you, Sam?”
“I’m not sure I understand your question.”
“You don’t? I thought it very simple.”
“Then why don’t you go first.”
“Unity,” she said promptly. “Being united under a common purpose.”
“Corn?” I asked.
She grinned. “Mostly.”
“There are rumors,” I said.
“Aren’t there always?”
“Of a keep.”
“A keep. How fascinating.”
“I haven’t even gotten to the most fascinating part yet,” I said.
“Do continue,” she said, leaning forward, elbows on the table. The rest of the town had stopped eating and listened intently.
“It’s supposed to be right near here,” I said. “In a valley near the mountains. We think the Prince is being held there.” I tilted my head forward and whispered loudly, “By a dragon.”
“Oooooh,” the people of Tarker Mills breathed as one.
“Girl, preach it,” Gary muttered through a mouthful of cornmeal.
“Pretty Gary,” Tiggy said, running a hand over Gary’s mane. “My face feel funny.” He laughed loudly and I couldn’t help but chuckle. I reached down and picked up the fork, scooping up more corn something and taking a huge bite. I was feeling a lot better about being here. I didn’t know what I was so worried about. I gave Ryan what I hoped was a saucy wink and he grinned at me, bright and beautiful, and I opened my mouth to tell him as much when—
“A dragon, you say?” Eloise asked. “That sounds frightening. Are you frightened, Sam?”
“No,” I said immediately. “Not about that.”
“Oh. What frightens you, then?”
I opened my mouth to tell her that I didn’t think this was the right time to discuss my fears (especially surrounded by strangers), but instead, I said, “Snakes. Failure. Not being able to live up to my potential. Letting my parents down. Letting Morgan down. Not being able to find Gary’s horn. Not rescuing the Prince in time and having to face the King. Randall telling me that there’s nothing he can do to help me. The extent of my magic. Ryan figuring out that he’s my—holy god, why am I still talking?”
“Because we’re all friends here,” Eloise said. “Don’t you want to be our friend?”
“No. Because I think you and this town are creepy as fuck and I’m highly suspicious of you because I think you’re hiding something.” I frowned. “And I didn’t meant to say that out loud.”
She frowned at me. “That wasn’t very nice.”
“I feel floaty,” Tiggy said, corn still stuck to his chin. “Floaty Tiggy say good-bye.”
“I would float away with you,” Gary told him. “You, me, and Sam can float away and maybe Ryan because I think I might actually be starting to like him. But don’t tell Ryan I said that, okay?”
“You like me?” Ryan asked, smiling bigger. “For sure now?”
“Tiggy,” Gary hissed. “I told you not to tell him.”
“Gary likes me,” Ryan told me. “And that’s good because I think I adore him. Whenever I see him, I want to smile.”
I ground my teeth together as hard as I possibly could to keep from opening my mouth, but there was this compulsion I couldn’t fight, so I blurted out, “I like you too! I like you more than Gary. There’s no contest. My like for you is legendary.”
“That’s true,” Gary said, eyes glazed just a tad. “I don’t think there’s anyone that likes you more than Sam. After all, you’re his corner—”
“It’s the truth,” I said, trying to fight against the weight of my tongue, the need within to spill everything. I shook my head and squeezed my hands into fists. I glared up at Eloise. “What did you do to us?”
“Coercion,” she said, the smile still on her face. “Truth. Mistletoe mixed with elven berries and fire from the geckos and the tongues from a chimera mixed into the corn. We only speak the truth here in Tarker Mills. We have no place for lies and deceit, Sam of Wilds. While you’re here, you’ll only speak in truth, and your magic won’t be able to touch us.”
The people of Tarker Mills nodded in agreement.
“You all take this?” I asked.
“Yes,” a man across from me said. “Every day, Eloise allows us to eat the truth so we may speak it at all times.”
“And let me guess,” I said. “Eloise doesn’t have to eat the truth herself.”
“She doesn’t have to,” a woman said. “She is the truth.”
I looked back at Eloise. “What are you?”
“What are you?” she asked.
“A wizard’s apprentice,” I said promptly and against my will. “Though I don’t know if I’ll ever become a full-fledged wizard. I don’t know if I have the strength.”
Shut up, shut up, shut up!
“And why is that?”
It was no use. “Because of what I am. Who I am supposed to be.” It poured out from me, and try as I might, I could do nothing to stop it. I tried to call on my magic, but it seemed to be so far away that it was inconsequential.
“And that is?”
“The most powerful wizard in an age,” I said, putting as much force behind my words as I could. It was rewarding to see Eloise’s eyes widen slightly. “I can do things that others can only dream about.”
“Ungh,” Ryan said. “That shit is so hot.”
Everyone turned to stare at him.
He was bright red. “I said that out loud, didn’t I? Dammit.”
“What?” I squeaked.
“When you do magic, it turns me on,” Ryan said, shaking his head frantically. “Ah gods. I can’t—stop. Just stop. Ahhh, I get erections when you cast spells. Oh shit.”
“Sweet molasses,” I managed to say.
“This… this is not what I thought was going to happen today,” Gary said.
“What you think happen?” Tiggy asked.
“I thought Ryan and Sam would continue to ignore how much they want to bone each other and we would all be suffering in silence because Sam won’t pull his head out of his ass to see that Ryan wants to eat said ass for dinner.”
“I do,” Ryan said through gritted teeth. “For breakfast, even. And lunch. And a midnight snack. Especially when you do magic.”
“You have a magic kink?” I said, because that was the only thing I could focus on.
“Yes. But only for you. Your magic gets me hard,” he said, looking like he wished he could be anywhere but where he was. “When you do anything, I get hard, really. Even your ridiculous sex puns. You remember when you wrapped those Dark wizards in stone at the restaurant?”
“Yeah,” I managed to say.
“I wanted to tell you that you gave me an e-rock-tion.” He bent over and banged his forehead against the table. “Why, why, why did I say that out loud? Please. Someone. Anyone. Kill me.”
“Sex puns,” I breathed. “Knight Delicious Face said a sex pun.”
“There it is again!” he exclaimed. “Knight Delicious Face. What is that?”
“You’re a knight,” I said. “And your face is delicious.”
“You think I’m delicious?” he said, suddenly shy.
“Oh my gods,” Gary moaned. “This is so awkward I can’t even stand it. I physically hurt from how awkward this is. I don’t even care that we’re apparently in mortal danger. I just don’t want to listen to you two flirt anymore. Eloise? Yoo-hoo, Eloise? If you’re going to kill us, can you please do it now? I can’t take this anymore.”
Tiggy was poking his face and giggling. “I love everyone,” he said. “Except people who hurt Gary and Sam. I smash those people.”
Everyone at the tables was staring at us but I couldn’t care less because Ryan fucking Foxheart got boner
s because of me.
Just play it cool, Sam. You’re under a truth spell, but you got this. Just play it cool.
So I opened my mouth and played it cool.
“I jerked off to the thought of you the day I first saw you,” I said, cringing immediately. Not cool! Not cool!
“You were fifteen,” he said, sounding scandalized. “Why did you… I can’t even… I jerked off to the thought of you the day after that.”
“I was fifteen,” I said, eyes wide.
“I know,” he said. “I felt guilty for three days and then I did it again. Your mouth.”
“What’s wrong with my mouth?”
“Nothing,” Ryan said. “Except for the fact that it doesn’t have my dick in it and holy fuck, this needs to stop.” He looked horrified.
I was too. Except I also had a boner.
Horrified boners are horrifying.
As was the fact that all I could think about was telling him that he was my cornerstone. Cornerstone. Cornerstone. Cornerstone. Corner—“I’m Mervin!” I managed to say instead. It came out strangled, like I was choking.
“How much of this mixture did you give them?” Eloise asked with a frown.
The man across from me said, “Too much. I thought since they were magical, they’d need more. I gave them three times the normal dose.” He looked over at me with a contrite look on his face. “I’m so sorry.”
“I don’t forgive you,” I told him. “Like, at all. There is no forgiveness between you and me. In fact, I’m so far from forgiveness that it’s a foreign concept to me and I shall never understand it with you. You dick.”
The man pouted.
Good. That made me feel good.
“This is going to get worse before it gets better,” Eloise said with a sigh.
“Mervin?” Gary asked.
“Mervin,” Tiggy said. “No Mervin. You’re Sam.”
“Mervin?” Ryan said, furrowing his brow. Then he figured it out. “What?”
Don’t say it. DON’T SAY IT. “I go to the Ryan Foxheart Fan Club meetings dressed up as a guy named Mervin because I secretly pine for you and your biceps. Also? My muffins were not dry and anyone that says otherwise is a lying bastard.” I glared at the people of Tarker Mills, daring them to say anything about my muffins.