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Sean’s lips are too close to mine. A wave of his warm breath drifts across my cheek and I shiver. I’m paralyzed, unable to move. I don’t know what’s doing it—if fear has me so scared that I can’t move or if it’s something else, something I don’t even want to consider.
When Sean speaks, something inside me reacts and I melt. “You think this amuses me? You think that I don’t know what I’ve done to you? You really think that it makes me happy?”
I don’t answer. He’s too close. My mind can’t process all the emotions racing through my body. My veins are on fire and someone has stolen every last breath from my lungs. I shiver, and Sean holds me tighter. My eyes are locked onto his. Neither of us speaks. His lips, those perfectly pink lips, part like he wants to say more—like he wants to kiss me—but Sean doesn’t move. He’s frozen. My heart pounds harder, faster. Buzzing fills my ears and my knees go weak.
After a moment, Sean forces himself to blink. From under those thick dark lashes, he says, “I made a mistake. I don’t know—”
Something inside me snaps. His words ignite strength within me and I pull away, saying, “You’ve made too many mistakes. I can’t do this with you. I don’t know what you need, or who you really are. I’m not even sure if you really know, but this,” I gesture between us, “is a bad idea. It’s like setting a cigarette down on an open keg of gunpowder. It’s not a question of whether or not it’ll explode, it’s a question of how much damage it will it do when it does blow up, and with you—I already know that answer.
“I gave you everything I had and you sent me back. I’ll be the trash you think I am. I’ll become what you made me. But, I will never, ever, come groveling back, asking for your affection or your friendship. And you know why? Because there’s nothing left in here,” I ball my hand into a fist and hold it over my heart. “There’s nothing left but a shell and I know that one wrong move—just one more—will be the end of me, and I have no intention of allowing that to happen—especially not with you. ”
My voice is too calm. The way I say it is completely detached, like I’m reporting on someone else’s life, someone else’s soul. I watch his eyes and the way he drinks me in, but I feel nothing. The longer I speak, the more emptied out I feel. I turn and walk back to the door, numb with shock.
Sean’s voice is soft, apologetic almost, “I made the deal with Henry. I did it for you. ”
His confession doesn’t make me pause. It doesn’t change anything. Without a word, I push through the door and walk away.
CHAPTER 10
Henry is beaming at me and won’t shut up once we’re back in the limo. “Do you know how many people wanted that patent and I’m the one who got it! Do you know what this means?” If he smiles any wider, his teeth will fall out of his head. Henry is practically bouncing in the seat next to me. “And it’s all because of you! I know it! Ferro has a weakness for beautiful women. I saw him walk away shortly after you left the table. Did he talk to you?”
I glance at Henry out of the corner of my eye. I don’t want to talk about it, so I smile and shake my head. “No, not really. I saw him after I left the ladies room. ”
Henry looks at me for a moment and then reaches for his wallet. “I told you that I’d reward you and I’m keeping my promise. ” He fishes out some larger bills and counts them swiftly.
Lifting my hand, I stop him. “I can’t take tips. You’ll have to give it to Miss Black. ”
“But I want you to have it. ” Henry looks at me with a childlike expression.
I assure him that I’ll get it, that it’ll help me, before Gabe drops him off at his hotel. Henry finally puts his money away. Then, he exits the car, jumps in the air, and whoops. His happiness is contagious. I can’t help it. I smile at him and wish him well. He seems like a good guy.
At the last second, Henry turns back to the car and asks, “If I were to ask you on a date—”
My eyes drop to my hands when he asks. “I’m not allowed to date. ”
“At all?” he asks, stunned. I shake my head and smile at him. “So, if I want to see you again…?”
“You have to order me. ” That sounds really weird.
Henry leans on the car at the open window. “Would you like to see me again?”
He’s flirting with me. It makes me smile. I can’t believe this guy. “I would love to see you again, and I’d love to hear what you plan on doing with that patent. I can tell it means a lot to you. ”
“It does!” He’s all happiness and rainbows. I wouldn’t be surprised if a unicorn shot out of his ass—he’s that happy. “I’ll set it up and I’m telling your boss that you’re exceptional, because you are. No one can tame Ferro and somehow, you did! It’s amazing. You’re an amazing woman and I can’t wait until our next date. ” He’s grinning so wide. Henry turns around and dances a gig as he walks away from the car. I wonder how long it’ll take him to fall asleep tonight. He got everything he wanted.
As we pull away from the curb, Gabe says, “You have the shiftiest luck, you know that, right?”
My eyes flick up to the mirror. “I’m well aware. ”
“What were the odds of Ferro showing up? I mean, I don’t know how you kept that whole situation from blowing up, but you did. I’m telling Black that it’s not you. Whatever occurred between you and Ferro in private, whatever happened, is on him. She should reinstate you in time to fuck Henry’s brains out next weekend. That should fix your financial problem with Black and you’ll be back on the books again. ”
I stare out the window as he speaks. My lips are parted and I breathe slowly. This is my life. I’m a call girl. I’ll get to be with someone else and wash the vivid memories of Sean away. I nod slowly. This is what I wanted. Somehow, I survived the night and made a positive impression on Gabe and Henry without making things worse with Sean.
Gabe speaks, pulling me from my thoughts. “You’ve got that stormy look in your eye. ”
“Excuse me?” I’ve never heard that expression before and I’m not sure what he means.
“It’s like your mind is a sea during a storm. I see it in your eyes. You need to hide that. It means people can still get at you, take bits and pieces away, and from the looks of it you don’t have much to give. ”
I stare at Gabe, wondering if I’m always so transparent. I thought I did a good job hiding everything. Maybe not. Instead of replying, I nod.
Gabe drops me off at Black’s and I go upstairs. I file my report and turn in my gown. I put on my old dress and tie my Chuck’s back on my feet. I toss my purse and heels into a bag and head for the elevator. When the doors open, Gabe is standing there. He holds the door for me. “You did well, kid. No worries. You still got this job. ”
“Thanks,” I say, and the doors slip shut.
When I exit the building, it’s late. I grab a can of ether and start my car. It rumbles to life and for the first time in a long time, I wish I had a coat. Shivering, I drive back home, but I take the long way getting there. I drive past the dark beach. The scent of salt water fills my head as the wind blasts my face through the window. Eventually, my skin becomes numb. I wish I could stay like that. I wish I didn’t feel every goddamn thing. For a moment, I’m jealous of Sean, of his ability to shut me out so thoroughly. I wish I could do that.
By the time I get off the parkway and head down Deer Park Avenue, I’m totally frozen. My icy fingers grip my steering wheel as I stop at the light from hell. I rev the engine and keep my other foot on the brake. I glance around. It’s a nice night, but it’s cold.
My RPMs slip and I feel the car convulse. It’s trying to stall. I give it more gas and stop looking around. I try to get the engine to keep running, but it doesn’t. The beast shutters and dies. Of course the light changes right then. Horns start to blare. I flip on my hazards and grab the can of ether. After walking around to the front of the car, I open the hood and spray.
While I do, I hea
r a motorcycle inching closer and closer. It’s as if the rider slowed down just to talk to me. My heart races faster. It can’t be him. I slam the hood down and see Sean on the shoulder, stuck a few cars back. I know it’s Sean, even though I can’t see his face. Seeing him makes my throat constrict. It’s like someone has a belt and is pulling it tighter and tighter around my neck.
Just breathe and drive away, I tell myself.
After I get back inside, I start the car. It rumbles to life just as I see Sean inching towards me in the shoulder. I don’t want to talk to him. I can’t. Even though the light is changing to yellow, I gas it. I need to get away from him.
The next few seconds are frozen. They don’t pass the way they should. My car has the acceleration of a sloth and I basically start to roll into the intersection. The bike engine revs behind me, growling like a bear. Sean’s going to gun it and try to catch me. I don’t look back. I press the accelerator pedal down to the floor, and my car starts to pick up speed, but then Sean’s bike cuts me off. A red taillight streaks in front of me.
I don’t see the truck until that moment. Its horn blares as it comes into the intersection. My foot slams on the break and I skid. I yank the wheel and try to steer into the skid, but the car doesn’t respond. It’s too late. The car crashes into a telephone pole. The sound of shattering glass and crushing metal fills my head. White smoke billows from under the hood.
On impact, my body is launched forward and I slam my head into the steering wheel. Everything happens in seconds, but it feels slow, as if time doesn’t exist.
I blink hard, clutching the steering wheel and look up. I watch in horror as Sean tries to evade the massive amount of steel barreling down on him. He turns sharp, but the back tire doesn’t grip. It slides out from under him. The bike tips over and falls to the ground. Sparks fill the air like fireworks when the bike’s on its side.