"The only thing that seemed to quiet him was Momma putting his mouth on her nipple."
"Oh, my God," Jade muttered, but both Cathy and Misty looked fascinated. "Are you going to describe breast-feeding in great detail?"
"Scare you?" I fired back at her.
"It doesn't scare me, but I'm not going to do it."
"My mother didn't do it," Misty said. "She had read where it could scar her breast and she could lose shape. What about your mother?" she asked Cathy.
Cat shook her head vigorously.
"I don't know," she said in a voice just above a whisper.
"You never asked?" Misty pursued.
"No," she said. She looked like she would get up and run out of the room if Misty didn't stop.
"It's a natural thing to be curious about," Misty muttered, not wanting to look bad for asking.
"It's not necessary to know:' Jade insisted. "It's like hearing about someone's bowel movements."
"It is not!"
"I hope that's not next:' Jade muttered without looking at me.
"I guess we know where her hang-ups are," Misty said.
"You don't know anything about me!" Jade cried. "What right do you have to judge me?"
"Girls," Doctor Marlowe said calmly, "this is not going to be productive if you don't show each other at least a minimum of respect. No one here has had it easy, but if you don't give each other a chance to be as open as possible, you won't help each other."
Jade didn't look convinced, but she relaxed in her seat and Misty looked sorry.
"From the way my granny talked about a new baby, I always thought we would become a happy family when Rodney was born, but Momma only complained about our lives more and more. Daddy got new work, but now he was never making enough money for us. When they argued and shouted at each other, I heard her blame him for Rodney all the time, claiming he was the one who wanted a son. She talked like she didn't want him and when I looked at my little brother, I couldn't imagine anyone, least of all his own momma, not wanting him
"He was a colicky baby. Nothing seemed to help. He did cry a lot and Momma would rage about the apartment, complaining that the doctor didn't know nothing and she would go mad. She made Daddy get up with Rodney every night, no matter how early in the morning he had to go to work. When she saw I could help, really help, could hold Rodney safely, get him to drink his bottle and rock him to sleep, even if it was only for a little while, she started to keep me home from school more often. She did it so much, the school truant officer came by and when he saw I wasn't really sick, he threatened the school would take Momma to court and maybe take me away from her.
"I heard her mumble, 'Take them both.'
"Maybe she said it because she was frustrated and tired, but it hurt to hear it. It felt like it burned into my brain. I thought it might really happen, too. I had trouble sleeping and every time someone came to our door, my heart would race for fear it was someone to come take both Rodney and me away and put us in some institution.
"Granny came by often as she could, but she and Momma got into arguments about the way Momma kept the house and how she took care of Rodney. She knew Momma was starting to drink again, too.
"By this time, Momma was hiding booze all over the house. She was drinking vodka because it didn't smell as bad and she had it in shampoo bottles and even in a hot water bag she kept in the closet. For months and months, Daddy didn't discover it, but soon she became sloppy about hiding it and he would find a glass of orange juice or cranberry juice and taste it and know she had vodka in it.
"When he complained, she screamed about how hard her life was with two children to look after, one being a twenty-four-hour responsibility. Of course, she brought up money problems continually, and then he would accuse her of wasting what little we had on her booze habit. She claimed it was the only thing keeping her sane and he said if she was sane, then he didn't know what crazy meant anymore.
"I'd come home from school and find Rodney lying there in unchanged diapers. From the rashes and irritation on his legs and little behind, I knew he had been like that almost all day. Of course, that made him scream and cry more which sent Momma to the bottle more. She got so she could sleep right through him wailing away. I guess she was really more passed out than sleeping. I'd find her everywhere like that, even on the floor in her bedroom sometimes."
"She should have been locked up," Jade said.
I stared at her for a long moment and then I looked out the window at the drizzle that had begun. Maybe Jade was right, but it hurt to have someone else say it.
There were lots of worse things in life that could and maybe would happen to us, but hating your own mother had to be at the top of the list.
"She's right," I told Doctor Marlowe, "but I don't want her to be."
"I know," she said softly. "That's why you're all here: to find an alternative to hate."
"Why do we need to?" Misty asked with that little sarcastic turn in her lips.
"Because I think you all know by now, that you can't hate your parents without hating yourselves:'
No one had to agree out loud. We could just look into each other's eyes and see that Doctor Marlowe was right.
2
" When Rodney began to crawl and then stand, things got worse because he was a curious baby from the start and he would get into places and things in a flash. One afternoon, I came home and found Momma had left him alone while she went out to get herself a couple of six- packs of beer. I guess he was asleep when she had left and she thought he'd be all right. I didn't know it, but she had left him alone many times before and once when she was with a girlfriend, Maggie Custer, they had left him in Maggie's car and a policeman had seen it and nearly arrested her.
"Anyway, this time Rodney woke up, crawled out of the cot-bed we now had for him and went looking for her. He wandered into the bathroom where Momma had left some of his rubber toys in the tub. There wasn't any water in the tub or he'd' a drowned for sure because he managed to fall into it when he tried to get to his toys. He hit his head on the faucet, I suppose. At first I thought Momma had taken him out with her because it was so quiet, but when I walked into the bathroom, I nearly jumped out of my skin. There he was lying on his back very still, his eyes wild and full of terror. I found out later that a head wound usually bleeds a lot, but at the time it turned my heart to stone. I saw all the blood around his head and I started screaming. I was familiar with calling nine-one-one by now. I told the operator my little brother had fallen and put a hole in his head. It didn't turn out to be that bad, but he did need ten stitches.
"The paramedics were there before Momma returned. She met one of her barfly friends who had talked her into just one drink at One-Eyed Bill's and she just forgot how much time went by, I imagine.
"The paramedics took him to the hospital emergency room where the doctor sewed up Rodney's wound. The paramedics wanted to know everything while a policeman went to fetch Momma. I had to tell them what had happened and they looked at each other angrily. When Momma arrived, she was fit to be tied that I had called them because they pulled her aside and gave her a what- for that spun her eyes. They threatened to tell the police and have someone from the Child Protection Service on her back if she let something like this happen again. They even told her she could go to jail for endangering the life of an infant.
"After we all got brought home, Momma started on me. Daddy came home right in the middle of it, saw Rodney and heard enough bits and pieces to realize what had occurred. I guess he knew about some of the other times, but he didn't get as wildly angry as I had expected he would.
"Instead, he got all quiet, this strange mood coming over him as if he was a clam or something and just closed up his shell. He looked at me and at Rodney and just sat with his eyes glazed while Momma went on and on like a worn CD, repeating her same complaints and trying to excuse herself.
"'Who do they think they are telling me I'm not a good mother just because I stepped out for a momen
t? Huh? Who knew he'd get up and walk himself into the bathroom and fall into the tub, huh? I'm no fortuneteller. I was coming right back. He was asleep. Who do they think they are reading me the riot act, huh?
"'Why are you just sitting there staring into space like that, Kenny? What's this act supposed to be. You trying to make me feel bad? You know what it's like being stuck here with an infant all day? I'm talking to you. I'm looking at you and I'm talking to you.'
"Daddy said nothing. Still looking dazed, he just got up suddenly and walked out of the apartment. Momma stood there with her hands on her hips, her mouth wide and her eyes blazing. He closed the door softly behind him.
"She turned to me and said, 'Did you see that? Did you?'
"My heart was thumping like a parade drum. I
couldn't speak or swallow.
"'Of all the raw nerve. . . Well, good riddance to
you too!' she screamed at the door. Then she opened
it, stuck her head out in the hallway and screamed it
again, but he was already out of the building. "I saw my daddy only once after that." "Saw him only once? What do you mean? Your
father just left you and Rodney for good?" Jade asked,
practically jumping out of her seat.
It was funny, but while I was telling them about
it all, I really did forget they were there. Something
like this had happened before, of course, but usually
only with Doctor Marlowe. My memories would get
so thick, they'd block out the present, where I was and
what I was doing. I felt like I had fallen back and I
was really there again. Momma's angry face was so
vivid in my mind, those eyes bloodshot, her mouth
twisted and her shoulders hoisted making her look
like some kind of wild bird about to pounce. Whenever she went into her ranting, my
stomach would close like a fist and my breath would
catch in my throat, making me feel as though I could
choke on air. Retelling these bad times put me back
into that state of mind and I wouldn't snap out of it
until my lungs screamed. I'd blink a lot and realize
where I was and I'd be grateful I wasn't back then. That's how I felt now when Jade blurted her
question at me. I looked at her for a few moments
without realizing who she was and where I was. Her
face got all twisted with confusion..
"Why doesn't she answer me, Doctor Marlowe?
Why is she just staring at me like that?" I heard her
ask. "Star?" Doctor Marlowe said. "Star?"
That was my name, I thought. I heard her, but
she sounded like she was at the other end of a long
tunnel.
"Doctor Marlowe?" Misty said. "She looks
spaced."
"She'll be all right, girls. Relax. Don't let her
feel your panic. Star, honey?"
"Star, honey," Granny was calling. "You got to
go to school, child, or they won't let you stay here
with me. You know what that judge told us. Get up
now, honey. C'mon, child. Wake up. Your eyes are
open, Star. Wake up!"
I felt my body shake.
"Star, come on. You're not there; you're here,"
Doctor Marlowe said.
My face felt cool. She was dabbing me with a
wet napkin.
"That's it. You'll be fine, Star. Come on. Stay
with us,"
She took my hand and squeezed it gently. My
eyelids were fluttering like butterflies in a panic and
then they slowed and I looked into Doctor Marlowe's
eyes. They were moving over my face like two tiny
searchlights. She smiled.
"There you are. You're fine," she said. I looked at the others. They were all staring at
me, each of them looking more shocked and afraid
than the other.
"What is it?" I asked.
"Nothing. You drifted off a bit:' Doctor
Marlowe said. "It's no big deal. No problem. You're
fine. Here, take some water," she said offering me my
glass. I sipped some and took a deep breath. "I forgot what I was saying," I said. My
memories were jumbled like a can of alphabet soup. Doctor Marlowe smiled and sat back. 'Well, you were telling us about the time your
father got up and walked out of the house:' she said.
She made it sound as if it was just another part of the
story, nothing terribly serious. Her voice had a
calming effect.
I nodded.
"He didn't say good-bye to me or nothing," I
muttered.
"That's right:' Doctor Marlowe said as if she
had been there with me.
I looked at her and realized in a way she had
because I had told her about this before, many times
before, and I always had trouble going on after that. The others were still staring at me, their eyes so
unmoving they could have been glass.
"Why're you all looking at me like that?" I
snapped. Jade smirked.
"She's fine," she said and sat back. "She can go
on and on," she added.
"It's not that easy," Misty said. "Just because I
did it yesterday, doesn't mean it was simple and it will
be simple for you or for her or for Cat:'
"Don't tell me how it's going to be for me," Jade
fired back at her.
"I'm just trying to be . . ."
"What? Another Doctor Marlowe? One's
enough," Jade quipped and turned away.
"Well. At least we're not boring each other;'
Doctor Marlowe said. Jade made some sound under
her breath. Cat looked from one of us to the other, her
eyes still full of terror.
"Try to go on, Star," Doctor Marlowe urged.
"Tell them the rest of it," she urged as if it was more
important for them to hear it than for me to get it out. Jade turned her head slowly toward me to see
what I was going to do. Almost for spite, I continued. "I just saw him once after that time. I didn't
speak to him. I was on my way home from school. It
was just starting to rain and I saw him come out of our
apartment building carrying some of his things and
walking quickly toward his truck. I sped up and called
to him. I know he heard me because I saw him slow
down even though he didn't turn his head. He looked
down at the sidewalk and then sped up again until he
reached his truck.
"I was running by now, thinking maybe he
didn't realize it was me calling to him, but I couldn't
get to him before he started the truck and pulled away
from the curb. With all my might, I shouted. "'Daddy! Daddy!' I stopped when my lungs were ready to burst, my ribs aching, and I watched the truck go down to the next corner, turn and disappear. The rain came down harder and harder so I had to go inside. You couldn't tell the difference between my
tears and the raindrops streaking down my face." "What happened to him? Where did he go?"
Misty asked, her eyebrows knitted with concern. "Momma heard stories that he was with another
woman and he went north to San Francisco, but I
never knew if the stories were just some gossip or
what:'
"Your father just picked up and deserted you
and your brother? That's what you're telling us?" Jade
asked, still sounding skeptical.
"He wasn't the first husband and Daddy to do
that," I told her. I looked at them. "Your parents
dese
rted you, too. They just did it more respectfully
or, what word did you use yesterday, Misty, civilly?
Something like that anyway," I said.
"Isn't that against the law?" Jade asked Doctor
Marlowe. "What her father did?"
"Well, Star's father would be what we call a
deadbeat dad and yes, what he's done is against the
law," she replied. "There's even a federal law against
that now."
"Did your mother have him arrested?" Jade
followed.
"She went down to welfare and reported her
situation so she could get some money, but it didn't
get put at the top of anyone's list. It wasn't exactly
what you would call a high priority," I said. "Men are creeps," Jade muttered.
"My momma ain't exactly an angel," I told her.
Her eyebrows lifted.
"What happened to her?"
"Why don't you give her a chance to tell it her
own way?" Misty asked Jade.
"I'm sorry," she said. "It just makes me. . .
mad." I widened my eyes.
"It doesn't exactly put joy in my heart either:' I
said.
Jade's lips stretched into a tight smile. Damned
if I didn't know whether I should hate her or like her. "Momma didn't realize Daddy was gone for
good that first night he walked out on us, of course.
She made us some supper and sat drinking her beer all
night and watching television. I put Rodney to bed.
He was groggy and tired from his ordeal, but he was
still in some pain. The paramedics had instructed us to
give him some Tylenol, which I did. I sang a little to
him and his eyes slowly closed.
"After he had fallen asleep, I went out and sat
with Momma and watched television awhile, hoping
Daddy would come home while I was still up, but he
didn't. Finally, exhausted myself, I went to sleep. "As soon as my eyes snapped open the next
morning, I hopped out of bed and looked in on
Momma and Daddy's bedroom, expecting to see his
long, lanky body stretched over the comforter, his arm
dangling over the side as usual. He usually ended up