Here I am alone in the backyard listening to Funny Hair singing again and her voice is sounding like a cat being cut up by a chainsaw. Lying down with my paws over my ears, helps ease the agony of listening to Funny Hair sing again. Painful. I wonder how the humans can stand her voice. Well at least she is the fat lady singing and it will be all over soon.
‘Oscar, come inside we have a treat for you.’
The cake as it turns out is made out of ice cream.
‘Go eat your own,’ cat hissed at me.
‘Mum, can I give more ice cream to Oscar? Oscar scoffed his down and now cat is eating hers. Look mum, cat did not want her ice cream but as soon as Oscar went to eat it she stood up and arched her back and - oh boy - the story I can write for school on these two.’
Jack now has excitement as he is talking to his mum and he is getting me more ice cream - woopee. It feels good to know I have somewhere to rest my weary bones at night, somewhere to gorge myself with ice cream. If this is what fitting into society is, then count me in.
~~~
Funny Hair is now in front of me leaning over and patting me on the head. I think she plays Bingo. I can tell you from where I am low on the ground the sight of fat lady above me makes me cringe.
‘See you later Oscar, take good care of Jack, he needs a companion,’ Funny Hair says to me. I think she is trying to be nice but somehow she forgot to bring me more ice cream. Skinny Man is walking around the yard, picking up sticks, and said he would mow the lawn.
The house is empty now. Jack and his family are out the front, people are talking a lot, and the cars are now driving down the road. Jack is with Penny and they are looking at a shed.
‘Oscar, come here. Here, come here.’ Penny is calling. Wow has she changed. Not a word out of her before and now she is all over me like a mad woman's rash.
‘Penny, have you seen this computer before? Dad was repairing one but this one is better. Switch it on. Wait - put the music on. Play John Butler. The one I like. Oh, not too loud or the old grumpy next door will complain again. Yay - oh, wait, dad is mowing the yard. Shut the door. Turn the computer and the music off. Mum said we could come out here anytime as long as homework is done. Get Oscar and we can go down to the shop and get some bread mum wants. I will get a rope and tie it to his lead. You get our bikes and take them out the front and I will get the money.’
Jack is quite a leader. Oh, I love someone who is leader of the pack.
~~~
I am back now after running alongside a bike going to the shops. I will survive this extension of my energy as I ran to the shops. I am a young pup. I am totally exhausted. My poor legs, which ran and ran and ran, are so in need of a good rest. I am lying down in the kitchen under a chair hiding. Cat sniffs my nose. I want to be left alone and sleep. I am worn out, tired, and need a bowl of warm milk, half a sausage roll, and a new flea collar.
‘Jack, grow up and listen. Take Oscar out please and give this to him. It is tinned food and dry food. Nanna Sue left it. I will make up a stew for him tomorrow - healthier and cheaper than going to the Vet. The dog can come into the house if you can keep him in the kitchen or rumpus room. Otherwise, he is an outside dog. Now, the day has been a big one for all of us. Early to bed tonight and keep the dog in the laundry on his rug. Oh, and take the rubbish with you too. I am going to have a rest for a while,’ Slim Lips said.
I am taken outside for some tasty food.
~~~
Jack and I are now going walkies together. Jack has picked up my poo with a plastic bag. Ok, back home we go.
I have now returned here to a life of luxury in the rumpus room. Oh oh - short lived luxury - a call from Slim Lips that we call it a night. Now I have been shoved into a small room with cat. Yuk.
‘Good night Oscar, I think we will have a lot of fun together. Good night mate.’
All noted into Puter, my personal tablet for writing on given me by Calliope. I think writing is confusing - I say this, I do this and then I said this and they said that. I wonder if humans ever realise that dogs have a different perception of the past. The past to me is continuous unless something changes. Oh, using my brain like a human is making me tired ... zzzzzzzzzzzz
~~~
Chapter Two - The Travelling Terrestrials - The Three Muses.
I cannot sleep. Where is my favourite rug? Where is the pillow I used to sleep with? I need a new flea collar. I saw fleas on the cat’s nose and she did not bother about them. Oh, this settling in to a new family is the pips. Being in a stranger’s home with this new friend has me nervous. I tried to update my daily log, the stupid computer did not work, and I am really trying hard to find a way to do as I was asked. Perhaps if I cuddle into cat but cat has found a box to sleep in. I am alone on the floor on a skimpy rug that lets the cold floor rattle my back teeth. If I can get this rug, off the table and pull it down on the floor. Done, and now I can sleep. I think my Travelling Terrestrials have been playing tricks on me. They said that for thousands of years they have helped people write their life story – but I do not have a life – just living for the present or some gift given me........ zzzzzzzzzz
‘Oscar, wake up Oscar’
Thalia is speaking into my ear and as I stir and become more awake...
Calliope speaks... ‘Oscar, I have a new computer for you.’
‘What new computer?’ I spring into life and living. ‘Calliope, I was given one before, a computer that is - you promised I would need nothing but passion to do what you asked. I still have not found passion, or adventure, or a way to fit into society - and you say you have a new writing tablet? I do not want to go through with this writing a story of fitting into society. And fair suck on the sav - what is in it for a poor lonely dog like me?’
‘Oscar, I am Calliope, the Muse for all writing, and the words writing tablet, represents anything that is used to write with. A piece of paper, a book, a computer; they are all just a writing tablet to me. I have a new computer for you. It has better programming. A new dual processor with upgrades that interface to the new software Thalia has written. As the Muse for Comedy, Thalia has had to incorporate some drama into the software. Oscar, we want you to sit still whilst we do an Uninstall and then do a Rebuild. It will be finished quicker that you can say half a sausage roll please. Ready Thalia. I will do the hardware and you do the software. Oscar, lie on your side and breathe slowly - one two three - do it Thalia - I have finished - press Restart when you are finished Thalia. Oh well done - look for his reactions.’
‘Selected succulent sausages sate’
‘Thalia, what have you put into that new software?’
‘Just a little humour, I thought some alliteration into Oscar's day would give him a Playwright's personality,’ Thalia giggled. ‘I was instructed by the Higher Energies to add Drama into the software and some other literary abilities into Oscar's personality. I used the Clichés of Australian English and the Irony of Hysterical History that confuses the human spirit. I thought a little farce and drama could go a long way into the Domesticated Dogs program and then vary the program going into the Merriment of Malicious Magpies programming.’
‘Now look you two - I refuse to allow this to happen. Learn from history. As Clio, the Muse of History, I insist further adjustments are made with history as being the basis for improvements. Look at the end product you want. Thalia, look at all the mistakes you have made already. What do you think Calliope?’
‘I agree Clio. Thalia, you will get yourself into trouble again with your attempt at reinstalling your brand of humour onto the planet Earth. The comedy of errors that have followed you for thousands of years have no basis for Magpies to be merry, or a Platypus to be playful, or a Dog to be downtrodden, or a Cat to be callous, these things I have noted Thalia which have to be notated in my report. Do some more fine-tuning. Start with the Clichés and modify them to be at least acceptable to all ages and religions, and, take out the sexist jokes, respect, that is what Oscar needs - we agre
ed, Oscar respects. Even if he doesn't know the word, yet. Get on with it, we don't have all night. We have to call in on Serena, the white bellied sea eagle, to see when we can implant her programming. Her chicks will be out of the nest soon and we want to record her encouragements for them to soar like an eagle.’
‘Oscar, I am going to change a few settings, all I want you to do is think whatever is in your mind after I say 'next'. Now I to go into Downloaded Programs and tweak the Clichés Cache... and couple up Clichés with Aussie Slang... next ... what are you thinking Oscar?’
‘I am a bottle of milk that has been spilt under a bridge that has been crossed.’
‘Oh dear, Mixed Metaphors, I did mess up. We have a series of corruptions in the software. I will delete the Mixed Metaphors and replace it with Quotations. Then we can interface Drama with Errors of Life... and we can combine Success a By-Product of Failure and Humour of the Day - that should to do it Calliope. Oscar, with his Human Emotions interface has to learn, Fitting Into Society - Edition 1,257, 295 is about- change results from failures. I will have to do some more testing first before we leave Oscar to his own devices - or vices - or vice-a-versa. Next.’
‘I am but a Drongo Dog drooping my ears waiting for my next walkies.’
‘Perfecto Mundo, a stupid dog, with the intelligence of an Astronaut.’ Calliope says as she flies high to celebrate my new planning program. ‘Thalia, you have done it, my report is complete. Let us go now to Serena the Sea Eagle and implant her with the 'Motivation Module' we want a record of. I can see it now Thalia, a play on a stage somewhere beyond the black stump - 'Ocker Oscar- a comedy of errors down under', be quiet now.’
I stir in my mind knowing that I have been visited once again by the Travelling Terrestrials. I feel different, I want to explore, I want a pee out the back yard, I want, I want, I want.... why doesn't anybody listen to me. Why can't Jack understand doggie speak?
‘Thalia, just tweak the Selfish/Selfless contrast, allow Oscar full spectrum of negatives and positives and let him learn his lessons. Being selfish or selfless can be good or bad. Do it without him knowing. He has to think that we are not near him for the next stage of his programming. The 'Learning to Love' interface is adjusted ready, his 'Patience in Adversity' is to be implemented when his emotions are low, to give him a vision of a 'Light at the end of the tunnel' - yes, yes, yes - Thalia you have genius in your sick humour of seeing a dog suffer’
Calliope spoke to Thalia but she thought I would not know what she said.
I don’t trust my Travelling Terrestrial companions anymore. I am feeling alone in a world full of billions of people and billions of dogs. A loner I will be but never alone - why me, why select a poor loner dog who no one wanted - I do not trust anyone, anymore - poor me.
‘Calliope, I think we have underestimated the intelligence of Canine 127 - known as Oscar... he might have to be terminated if he gets too difficult. We have another dog in Patagonia that eats toothless fish that we can download all of the adjusted programs. Let us see whether Oscar has the mettle to put his paw to the metal and go for broke as - Oscar - the dog that saves the planet,’ Clio said.
Me, save someone? I am a backyard dog, not a rescue dog, just a plain thick head dog that doesn’t know the difference between tale and tail. Maybe a little light humour to kick start the day. Maybe I can practice a Phffooooft and walk away staring at the back door. I am thinking differently. I hated farts and now I am thinking of farting to let humans know I want to go out to the backyard.
‘Thalia, what are you doing?’ Calliope said.
‘Laboratory Canine 127 is better than all the other dogs we have experimented with. All the dogs we have had to curtail our work with because they just did not get it. I think we might just have a winner with Oscar but this family I selected for him has too many problems and we are not allowed to interfere with their personal issues.
I don't know if Oscar/Canine127 can handle all this and get the program adjustments and just be the lovable, sweetest, most adorable dog as he is in real life. I think the Higher Energies are asking too much,’ Thalia said.
I am supposed to just lay here and pretend I do not know what all this is about.... hic... dot. dot. dash - dot. zzeeerrp zip.
‘Thalia, I erased from Canine 127 what you just said.You had your warning when you fell in love with Canine 125 and got all emotional after we had to have the dog terminated. You have been given permission, if needed, to download the most advanced weapon to assist Oscar/Canine 127. That module is scheduled in the next Beta Dog but wait until it is truly needed and has been thoroughly tested. Click out of Earth Mode and come with me to the seminar on The Milky Way. We will be needed there to explain our involvement with Oscar/Canine 127. Allow Canine127 to do his bit - volunteers are what the planet needs - 'the planet can be saved but only with volunteers who work as individuals' - that is in my report to the Head Of Galaxies. Dematerialise now Thalia and Clio and use Higher Energy communication from now on. Oscar is not to know when we are with him now or when he is alone. He is going to tough this one out alone. He and his family who hate each other silently and go through all sorts of putting on a face to look good to satisfy when. . . .’
zip ----- asseeeeeeeeeeerp .
~~~
It is getting light. I can see shapes in the room from the day. It is cold. The door to the backyard is open. When did that happen? My shivering is noticeable to cat. She has poo in her tray and it stinks. I feel lonely, alone, no one to understand my needs of a hug, and a run, and a burnt bacon delicacy with a tad of red sauce ... oh, and half a sausage roll fit for a king.
It is working Thalia, leave him alone now.
I sit and wonder the need for a good fart. I am now fully awake and staring at the open door. I slept like I was in a log, a hollow log where fantasy in dreams meant I dreamed I was a dog on a mission to save the world. I wonder if I dream. What is a dream if it is not a fantasy of another sausage roll? I cannot go out the back, my legs are frozen, I need to move quickly, oh, what is happening to me - who am I? I am stupid, I am intelligent, smart as, a drongo, what else have humans said about me? This is better, front paw is itchy, leg moves, another leg moves, oh, yes, this is better, wow, out of the way, here I go. I am now running, I just run and run and run. As I run around the yard I am now thinking - mine - all mine - I have survived a night here and now a new day. I am breathing, my legs are pointing to the ground. My very own backyard and all mine. All mine except for some chooks in a shed. I can run. I will find something to jump over... a gate... I have to see if I can jump over it... I run at the gate and leap into the air. I can feel my paws leave the earth. In the air, I see the top of the gate. The top of the gate is now higher than me - I collide with the gate half way down. As I sit at the bottom of the gate and stare back up at it, I see possibilities of, one day. That gate is now my goal - one single bound.
Back to the backyard. There are lots of little boxes, wood stacked up, and a chicken shed. In the far corner is what looks like a different cat sitting. This cat is not the cat with me yesterday in the van that I slept in the same room with. Slowly I walk toward this intruder into my backyard. The cat hisses at me. The big white fat cat defies me as I walk closer to it. A cat that is bigger than the biggest rat. I know they have sharp claws. I am walking ever so slowly, not about to back down to this white monster when it suddenly jumps at me. One swipe of her paw at me and - yelp - yelp - yelp, my nose is all red with blood. I run yelping to find Jack when Slim Lips finds me - she calls out to Jack and Penny, ‘get that cat out of the backyard, I have told you once, I have told youse a thousand times - get that cat out of here - look what it did to Oscar, I will write out a new list for everyone on what needs to be done now we have a cat and dog.’
I need a hug, a special hug after being attacked by a huge white cat.
Ah, that feels good, no, not that stuff that stings, go easy on my nose, I need a perfect nose for sniffing with... ah, that is better. I now have a
white nose and it is smelly.
Skinny Man is looking at my nose, ‘He is lucky, the claws went though the upper part and it is healing already. I bet he can smell as good as ever tomorrow - you are a lucky dog, I hope a bit of it rubs off onto us. We can do with a bit of luck around here with all the problems we have.’
I just sit here with Jack. He is so devoted to my comfort. I like Jack.
‘Breakfast is ready! Get the dog back out into the backyard and Penny take the cat tray out. It stinks,’ Slim Lips said as she stands in the area with a big table with plates of bacon and other smells to tempt a dog. I will use my hang dog look on Jack.
‘Mum, why does Oscar have to go out if he just sits alongside of me and behaves himself?’ Jack asks.
‘Look, this morning we have to go over to the cemetery with Nanna Sue... it is the anniversary of Bill's death... we have had enough excitement with that feral cat and there are a few things to sort before we can go anywhere... oh all right then... but he has to stay alongside of you... I nearly tripped over him three times... go get your sister... and hurry.... oh, and tell your dad, wherever he is.... lord knows what I have to do for the family to get things done around here.’
Slim Lips is in full control but wait till I get my way. Pecking order, yep, and I am the top of the pecking order after a few things I have planned.
‘Mum, they are busy doing what you told them to do. Do you want them to keep doing what you told them to do or do you want them to come for breakfast. Penny wants to know... dad said 'click heels and salute', then he mumbled – ‘reflections of Nui Datt.’ Jack said this as he stuck his head around a corner and I know to hide behind him. Not too close though. Somehow I am forgotten and in the way a lot.
‘Tom, wherever you are, come here and help with this breakfast. I can't do it all myself. And tell Penny to come too.’
Slim Lips is shuddering. She might have a corrupted Mad Cows Disease Virus in her Downloaded Files.
~~~
At the gathering at the table, a tall boy named Jack stands up and asks his mother a question. Oh boy, is this dramatic or what?
‘Mum, if we are to go to the cemetery today - how is it we are not to know about Uncle Bill's death? All we are told when we ask is that he had a heart attack. At school I get taunted because the kids say their fathers know what happened. What was Uncle Bill doing on the railway tracks? And, what was it the coroner said? Why can't I know who said what. He was my uncle - and he told me things about cricket and I want to play again but I hate it when I get taunted,’ Jack said with his legs wide apart and tears rolling down his face.