"You didn't do this."
There was silence, not a single objection, but no agreement either.
"Damn it, Alice! Tell me you didn't do this!" Krista yelled, voice reverberating around the small room, her tone revealing that she was begging to be wrong, pleading for all of this to be a misunderstanding.
"But, I did," Alice whispered.
"Why?" Krista questioned desperately. "Why would you hurt yourself like that? Why would you..." she swallowed, lapsing into silence, not allowing her mouth to form those words. Saying it out loud made it true. It wasn't real, she had to be dreaming.
She had always known something was wrong with Alice. There was something she was hiding from the world. She knew her parents were horrible people and that Alice had bad self-esteem, but she had had only an inkling of knowledge when it came to how depressed Alice was.
Krista had never known anyone could be this unhappy. It was impossible to comprehend that someone could be so upset and hate themselves so much they would deliberately cut themselves. Who was the idiot that came up with doing that and sold the idea to poor depressed people like Alice?
Alice shook her head and shifted uncomfortably, pinching her wrist sharply. She sat on the ground and drew her knees to her chest, longing for the relief that cutting brought.
"Why, Alice?"
She looked up at Krista and was greatly pained to see tears coursing down the girl's cheeks. Her breathing was uneven as she curled up, trying to make herself as small as possible.
"Because it hurt," Alice choked out, her mouth suddenly dry. Her eyes lacked moisture; she was fighting too hard for numbness to cry now.
"Everything hurt. It was too much. It is too much. I'm not strong like you... I couldn't--I just---I can't..."
"Handle it?" Krista broke in, reaching out a hand to touch her friend's shoulder.
"Yeah."
"But you can, Alice. You can handle it, I promise you. You are such a strong, wonderful person. If you can't do it alone, well, that's okay. You know why?" Krista inquired gently.
Alice shook her head, holding back unexpected tears. No one had ever spoken so many kind words to her and really meant them.
"You're not alone. I promise you, no matter what, come hell or high water, I will be here for you. I love you, Alice. You're like a sister to me."
The veil of apathy that was keeping Alice's tears and emotions locked inside lifted suddenly. She began to cry quietly, her arms wrapped around herself for comfort.
Krista got down on the floor next to Alice, pulling her friend into a tight embrace, stroking Alice's hair and letting the distraught girl sob into her shoulder.
She ran a finger tenderly over the scars on Alice's arm, while Alice continued to cry. She felt, more than saw Alice flinch as her finger ran over a row of fresher cuts.
"When did you do this?" she asked, still looking at the cuts.
"This morning," Alice whispered, burying her face in Krista's shoulder, hiding herself from the world.
Krista took in a steadying breath, knowing she had to remain strong until she was out of Alice’s sight. Sometimes she felt more like a mother to the girl than her friend, but either way, she loved her all the same.
"You can't do this anymore, honey..." Krista told her, not pulling away. She felt Alice's small nod and nodded to herself.
"You can't do this anymore."
Alice shook herself out of the flashback, startled to realize she had been crying.
Her gaze went back to the very thing that had pulled her into this reverie. She now knew exactly what one more cut could do. A smile formed on her lips as she went over to the no longer formidable blade.
And tucked it safely away in the drawer.
Chapter Twenty-One
Later on that day, after her talk with Dr. Al and her musings over a box cutter, she sat on a wall with Krista and Lisa, staring out at the sea. They were all covered in pale blue paint, but none of them seemed to notice, let alone mind.
“You know, I think everything’s okay now,” Alice announced, breaking the contented silence.
Krista hugged Alice tightly, almost causing all three to tumble into the sand below them.
“Really, truly?” she asked in a happy whisper.
“Really, truly,” Alice assured her.
“No more jumping off buildings?” Lisa questioned warily.
Alice laughed delightedly, the sound echoing, bringing joy into the heart of her friends.
“Nope.”
“Then everything’s just…” Krista trailed off.
“Lovely,” Alice finished for her, knowing Krista was too afraid to say the words. “It’s all just lovely.”
~***~
Allison is currently a junior psychology major at Texas Woman's University preparing to become a dance therapist. When she's not sprinting from building to building on campus, cramming for exams, or obsessively watching to see new grades, she spends her time talking to her girlfriend, hunting down new shoe stores with her friends, and trying to force herself to be inspired. Unfortunately said attempts to be inspired rarely work (unless it's three am and there's class at 8).
You can learn more about Allison, get news on future novels, and read more of her work at:
https://www.arewesurethisiswonderland.blogspot.com
https://www.gisellesylphide.webs.com
https://www.twitter.com/gisellesylphide
https://www.facebook.com/AllisonLiddelle
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