Blueeyedboy took this to mean that his truancy had been noted. ‘Please, sir. Don’t tell Ma.’
Dr Peacock shook his head. ‘I see no reason to tell her,’ he said. ‘I was a boy myself, once. Slugs and snails and puppy-dogs’ tails. Fishing in the river. Are you fond of fishing, young man?’
Blueeyedboy nodded, even though he’d never tried it; never would. ‘Excellent pastime. Gets you outdoors. Of course, I have my gardening—’ He glanced over his shoulder at the mound of earth and the open grave. ‘Give me a moment, will you?’ he said. ‘Then I’ll fix us both a drink.’
Blueeyedboy watched in silence as Dr Peacock filled in the grave. He didn’t really want to look, but he found that he couldn’t look away. His chest was tight, his lips were numb, his head was spinning dizzily. Was he really ill, he thought? Or was it the sound of digging, he thought; the tinny rasp of the spade as it bit, the sour-vegetable scent, the crazy thump as each packet of earth clattered into the open grave?
At last Dr Peacock put down the spade, but he did not turn immediately. Instead he stood by the burial mound, hands in pockets, head bowed, for such a long time that blueeyedboy wondered if he had been forgotten.
‘Are you all right, sir?’ he said at last.
At his voice, Dr Peacock turned. He had taken off his gardening hat, and without it the sunlight made him squint. ‘How sentimental you must find me,’ he said. ‘All this ceremony over a dog. Have you ever kept a dog?’
Blueeyedboy shook his head.
‘Too bad. Every boy should have one. Still, you’ve got your brothers,’ he said. ‘Bet that’s lot of fun, eh?’
For a moment, blueeyedboy tried to imagine the world as Dr Peacock saw it: a world where brothers were lots of fun; where boys went fishing, kept dogs; played cricket on the green –
‘It’s my birthday today,’ he said.
‘Is that so? Today?’
‘Yes, sir.’
Dr Peacock smiled. ‘Ah. I remember birthdays. Jelly and ice cream and birthday cake. Not that I tend to celebrate nowadays. August the twenty-fourth, isn’t it? Mine was on the twenty-third. I’d forgotten until you reminded me.’ Now he looked thoughtfully at the boy. ‘I think we should mark the occasion,’ he said. ‘I can’t claim to offer much in the way of refreshments, but I do have tea, and some iced buns, and anyway—’ At this he grinned, suddenly looking mischievous, like a young boy wearing a false beard and a very convincing old-man’s disguise: ‘We Virgos should stick together.’
It doesn’t sound much, does it? A cup of Earl Grey, an iced bun and the stub of a candle burning on top. But to blueeyedboy that day stands out in memory like a gilded minaret against a barren landscape. He remembers every detail now with perfect, heightened precision: the little blue roses on the cup; the sound of spoon against china; the amber colour and scent of the tea; the angle of the sunlight. Little things, but their poignancy is like a reminder of innocence. Not that he ever was innocent; but on that day he approached it; and looking back, he understands that this was the last of his childhood, slipping like sand through his fingers –
Post comment:
ClairDeLune: I ’m glad to see you exploring this theme in more detail, blueeyedboy. Your central character often appears as cold and emotionless, and I like the way you hint at his hidden vulnerability. I’m sending you a reading-list of books you may find useful. Perhaps you’d like to make a few notes before our next meeting. Hope to see you back here soon!
chrysalisbaby: wish i could be there too (cries)
13
You are viewing the webjournal of blueeyedboy posting on :
[email protected] Posted at: 01.45 on Tuesday, February 5
Status: public
Mood: predatory
Listening to: Nirvana: ‘Smells Like Teen Spirit’
After that, Dr Peacock became a kind of hero to blueeyedboy. It would have been surprising had he not: Dr Peacock was everything he admired. Dazzled by his personality, hungry for his approval, he lived for those brief interludes, his visits to the Mansion; hanging on to every word Dr Peacock addressed to him –
All blueeyedboy remembers now are fragments of benevolence. A walk through the rose garden; a cup of Earl Grey; a word exchanged in passing. His need had not yet turned to greed, or his affection to jealousy. And Dr Peacock had the gift of making them all feel special – not just Ben, but his brothers, too; even Ma, who was hard as nails, was not beyond the reach of his charm.
Then came the year of the entrance exam. Benjamin was ten years old. Three and a half years had passed since his first visit to the Mansion. Over that time, many things had changed. He was no longer bullied at school (since the compass incident, the others had learnt to leave him alone), but he was unhappy, nevertheless. He had acquired the reputation of being stuck-up – a cardinal sin in Malbry – which, added to his early status as a freak and a queer, amounted to social suicide.
It didn’t help that, thanks to Ma, word of his gift had got around. As a result, even the teachers had come to think of him differently – some of them with resentment. A different child is a difficult child, or so thought the teachers at Abbey Road, and, far from being curious, many were suspicious, some openly sarcastic, as if his Ma’s expectations and his own inability to conform to the mediocrity of the place were somehow an attack on them.
Ma, and her expectations. Grown stronger than ever, of course, now that the gift was official, now that there was a name for it – an official name, a syndrome, that smelt of sickness and sanctity, with its furry dark-grey sibilants and its fruity Catholic undertint.
Not that it mattered, he told himself. Another year and he would be free. Free to attend St Oswald’s, which Ma had painted in such attractive colours for him that he was almost taken in, and of which Dr Peacock spoke with such affection that he had put his fears aside and thrown himself into the task of becoming what Dr Peacock expected of him: to be the son he’d never had, a chip, as he said, off the old block –
Sometimes Benjamin wondered what would happen if he failed the entrance exam. But since Ma had long ago come to believe that the exam was merely a formality, a series of documents to sign before he entered the hallowed gates, he knew that his worries were best left unvoiced.
His brothers were both at Sunnybank Park. Sunnybanker. Rhymes with wanker, as he used to say to them, which made Brendan laugh but infuriated Nigel, who – when he could catch him – would sometimes pin him between his knees and punch him till he cried, shouting – Fuck you, you little freak! – until at last he’d exhausted himself, or Ma heard and came running –
Nigel was fifteen, and hated him. He’d hated him from the very first, but by then his hatred had blossomed. Perhaps he was jealous of the attention his brother received; perhaps it was merely testosterone. In any case, the more he grew, the more he turned his whole being towards making his brother suffer, regardless of the consequences.
Ben was skinny and undersized. Nigel was already big for his age, sheathed in adolescent muscle, and he had all kinds of virtually untraceable ways of inflicting pain – Chinese burns, nips and pinches, sly shin-kicks under the table – though when he got angry, he forgot discretion and, without any fear of retribution, laid into his brother with fists and feet –
Telling tales only made it worse. Nigel seemed oblivious to punishment: it simply fed his resentment. Beatings made him worse. If he was sent to bed hungry, he would force-feed his brothers toothpaste, or dirt, or spiders, carefully harvested in the attic and put aside for just such an eventuality.
Brendan, always the cautious one, accepted the natural order of things. Perhaps he was brighter than they’d thought. Perhaps he feared retribution. He was also ridiculously squeamish, and if Nigel or Ben got a hiding from Ma, he would cry just as much as either of them – but at least he wasn’t a threat, and sometimes even shared his sweets with Ben when Nigel was safely out of the way.
Brendan ate a lot of sweets, and now it was reall
y beginning to show. A soft white roll of underbelly hung over the waistband of his donkey-brown cords, and his chest was plump and girly beneath his baggy brown jumpers, and although he and Ben might have had a chance if they’d stood together against Nigel, Brendan never had the nerve. And so Ben learnt to look after himself, and to run when his brother in black was around.
Other things had changed as well. Blueeyedboy was growing up. Always prone to headaches, now he began to suffer from migraines, too, which began as strobing lights shot through with lurid colours. After that would come the tastes and smells, stronger than any he’d known before: rotten eggs; creosote; the lurking stink of the vitamin drink; and then, at last, the sickness, the pain, rolling over him like a rock, burying him alive.
He couldn’t sleep; couldn’t think; could hardly concentrate at school. As if that wasn’t bad enough, his speech, which had always been hesitant, had developed into a full-blown stammer. Blueeyedboy knew what it was. His gift – his sensitivity – had now become a poison to him. A poison creeping slowly through his body, changing him as it went from healthy, wholesome blood and bone to something with which even Ma found it difficult to sympathize.
She called the doctor in, of course, who at first put down the headaches to growing pains, and then, when they persisted, to stress.
‘Stress? What has he got to be stressed about?’ she cried in exasperation.
His silence annoyed her even more, and finally led to a series of uncomfortable interrogations, which left him feeling even worse. He quickly learnt not to complain; to pretend that there was nothing wrong with him, even when he was sick with pain and almost ready to collapse.
Instead, he evolved his own system of coping. He learnt which medicine to steal from Ma’s cabinet. He learnt how to combat the phantom sensations with magic words and images. He took them from Dr Peacock’s maps; from books; from the dark places of his heart –
Most of all, he dreamed in blue. Blue, the colour of control. He had always associated it with power, power like electricity; now he learnt to visualize himself encased in a shell of burning blue, untouchable, invincible. There, he was safe from everything. There, he could replenish himself. Blue was secure. Blue was serene. Blue, the colour of murder. And he wrote down his dreams in the same Blue Book in which he wrote his stories.
But there are other ways than fic to cope with adolescent stress. All you need is a suitable victim, preferably one who can’t fight back: a scapegoat who will take the blame for everything you’ve suffered.
Benjamin’s earliest victims were wasps, which he’d hated since he’d been stung in the mouth as he swigged from a half-empty can of Coke left unguarded in the summer sun. From then on, all wasps were guilty. His revenge was to catch them using traps made from jars half-filled with sugar water, and later to impale them on the tip of a needle and watch as each creature struggled and died, pumping its pale stinger in and out and writhing its horribly corseted body like the world’s most diminutive pole dancer.
He showed them to Brendan, too, and watched him writhe in discomfort.
‘Ah, don’t, that’s disgusting—’ said Bren, his face contorted with dismay.
‘Why, Bren? It’s only a wasp.’
He shrugged. ‘I know. But please—’
Ben pulled the needle free of the wasp. The insect, almost severed now, began to turn sticky somersaults. Bren flinched.
‘Happy now?’
‘It’s still m-moving,’ Brendan said, his face awry with fear and disgust.
Ben tipped the contents of the jar on to the table in front of Brendan. ‘So kill it,’ he said.
‘Ah, please, Ben—’
‘Go on. Kill it. Put it out of its misery, you fat bastard.’
Brendan was almost crying now. ‘I c-can’t,’ he said. ‘I just—’
‘Do it!’ Ben punched him in the arm. ‘Do it, kill it, kill it now—’ Some people are born to be killers. Brendan was not one of them. And Benjamin revelled sourly in Brendan’s stupid helplessness, his whimpering cries as Ben punched him again, his retreat into the corner, arms wrapped around his head. Brendan never tried to fight back. Ben was three years younger, thirty pounds lighter, and still he beat Brendan easily. It wasn’t that he hated him; but his weakness was infuriating, making Ben want to hurt him more, to see him squirm like a wasp in a jar –
It was a little cruel, perhaps. Brendan had done nothing wrong. But it gave Ben the sense of control that he lacked, and it helped him to manage his growing stress. It was as if by tormenting his brother he could relocate his own suffering; evade the thing that imprisoned him in its cage of scents and colours.
Not that he thought about it much. His actions were purely instinctive, a self-defence against the world. Later, blueeyedboy was to learn that this process was called transference. An interesting word, coloured a muddy blue-green, that reminds him of the transfers his brothers used to stick on their arms: cheap and messy fake tattoos that stained the sleeves of their school shirts and got them into trouble in class. But somehow, at last, he learnt to cope. First, with the wasp traps, then with the mice, and finally, with his brothers.
And look at your blueeyedboy now, Ma. He has exceeded all expectations. He wears a suit to go to work – or at least, to maintain the pretence. He carries a leather briefcase. The word technician is in his job title, as is the word operator, and if no one knows quite what he does, it is merely because most ordinary people have no idea how complicated these operations can be.
Doctors rely on machines nowadays, Gloria says to Adèle and Maureen, when she meets them on Friday night. There are millions of pounds invested there in scanners and MRI machines, and someone has to operate them –
Never mind that the closest he has ever come to any one of those clever machines is vacuuming the dust underneath. You see, words do have power, Ma: power to camouflage the truth, to colour it in peacock shades.
Oh, if she knew, she’d make him pay. But she won’t find out. He’s too careful for that. She may have her suspicions, of course – but he thinks he can get away with it. It’s just a question of nerve, that’s all. Nerve and timing and self-control. That’s all a murderer needs, in the end.
Besides, as you know, I’ve done it before.
Post comment:
JennyTricks: (post deleted).
ClairDeLune: Jenny, don’t you ever get tired of coming here to criticize? This is intriguing, blueeyedboy. Did you look at the reading-list I sent you? I’d love to know what you thought of it . . .
14
You are viewing the webjournal of Albertine.
Posted at: 01.55 on Tuesday, February 5
Status: restricted
Mood: awake
Nothing in my mailbox tonight. Just a meme from blueeyedboy, tempting me to come out and play. I’m almost certain he’s waiting for me; he often logs on at about this time and stays online into the early hours of the morning. I wonder what he wants from me. Love? Hate? Confessions? Lies? Or is it simply the contact he craves, the need to know I’m still listening? In the small hours of the night, when God seems like a cosmic joke and no one seems to be listening, don’t we all need someone to touch? Even you, blueeyedboy. Watching me, watching you, through a glass darkly, tapping out on this ouija board my letters to the dead.
Is this why he writes these stories of his, posting them here for me to read? Is it an invitation to play? Does he expect me to answer him with a confession of my own?
Tagged by blueeyedboy posting on
[email protected] Posted at : 01.05 on Tuesday, February 5
If you were an animal, what would you be? An eagle soaring over the mountains.
Favourite smell? The Pink Zebra café, on a Thursday lunchtime.
Tea or coffee? Why have either, when you can have hot chocolate with cream?
Favourite flavour of ice cream? Green apple.
What are you wearing right now? Jeans, trainers and my favourite old cashmere sweater.
What a
re you afraid of? Ghosts.
What’s the last thing you bought? Mimosa. It’s my favourite flower.
What’s the last thing you ate? Toast.
Favourite sound? Yo-Yo Ma playing Saint-Saëns.
What do you wear in bed? An old shirt that belonged to my boyfriend.
What’s your pet hate? Being patronized.
Your worst trait? Evasiveness.
Any scars or tattoos? More than I want to remember.
Any recurring dreams? No.
There’s a fire in your house. What would you save? My computer.
When did you last cry?
Well – I’d like to say it was when Nigel died. But both of us know that isn’t true. And how could I explain to him that sly, irrational surge of joy that overshadows the bulk of my grief, this knowledge that something is missing in me, some sense that has nothing to do with my eyes?
You see, I am a bad person. I don’t know how to cope with loss. Death is a heady cocktail of one part sorrow to three parts relief – I felt it with Daddy, with Mother, with Nigel – even with poor Dr Peacock . . .
Blueeyedboy knew – we both knew – that I was just deluding myself. Nigel never stood a chance. Even our love was a lie from the start, sending out its green shoots like those of a cut branch in a vase; shoots, not of recovery, but of desperation.
Yes, I was selfish. Yes, I was wrong. Even from the start I knew that Nigel belonged to someone else. Someone who never existed. But after years of running away, part of me wanted to be that girl; to sink into her like a child into a feather pillow; to forget myself – and everything – in the circle of Nigel’s arms. Online friendships were no longer enough. All of a sudden I wanted more. I wanted to be normal: to encounter the world, not through a glass, but through my lips and my fingers. I wanted more than the world online; more than a name at my fingertips. I wanted to be understood, not by someone at a keyboard far away, but by someone I could touch . . .