Carter blinks to mind, old Carter, the high school, college version, that broke my heart and my spirit. He mortared me down from glass to sand then blew me away as if I never even mattered. I was his, and he disowned me with a cold heart—a dead fish that smelled and he wanted to be rid of. And this—I glance at the stale, cold surroundings—is what I get for trying to claw my way into his heart again. Another false sandcastle disintegrating beneath my feet, replaced with brick and mortar, a prison cell.
“Right this way.” The officer drones. “Stand on the line,” he says as a bulb flashes in my face—one bright light that will resonate in public records for the rest of my days. Here, I had finally done it. The unspooling of Aspen O’Tool has officially begun.
After fingerprinting, and settling me into a holding cell with a variety of women, all who seem interested in keeping to themselves, officer Goliath appears again, looking two feet taller than before. His odd height advantage makes this all feel like a Lewis Carroll inspired nightmare where people stretch to the ceiling, Cher cries off with her head, and I fall into a prison-shaped rabbit hole for time immemorial.
“O’Tool,” he snaps, and I step forward like a zombie. “You’re good to go.”
He swings open the cell, and I hear someone from the back snap, “Fucking white girl.”
At the end of the long, dizzying hall I find my brother waiting for me with that same bored, I’m-going-to-protect-you-from-anything look on his face. And I leap—leap—into his arms.
“Lincoln.” I sob, holding on for dear life. I’m terrified, thrilled, and shaken to the core. “What the hell just happened?”
“Let’s get you home, and we can put all the pieces together.”
Stevie and Kinsley wait for us in the next room, and, in a flash, they’re wrapped around my body, hard and strong as if they were some organic extension of my being, tendrils that belonged to me and I to them. But two very vital pieces of my heart are missing, Carter and Abby. And right now, I can’t breathe without them.
I can’t breathe knowing what he thinks I might have done.
* * *
I say goodnight to Stevie and Kinsley in the parking lot behind my temporary detention center.
“I’ll see you in a bit.” Kinsley holds my fingers until we part. “I’m making up the guestroom for you. We’ll have tea as soon as you get in.”
Stevie pulls me into a death grip of a hug. “Don’t you worry. We’ll get to the bottom of this.”
I pull back and examine her. I’m not sure what she knows. I wasn’t booked on embezzlement charges, so there’s a chance she’s unaware of the fact I pulled over a half-million dollars right out of her baby’s mouth. In hindsight, it seems foolish to think I could payback the “loan” I gifted myself without anyone taking note. Did I think Jinx was run by idiots? I’m the idiot.
Lincoln shuttles me into his car and heads onto the freeway, letting the silence clot between us, saving us from a bleed out.
“I need to go to Carter’s.” The words string into one as they stumble from my lips. I can think of a million things I’d rather do than face Carter with my ugly misshapen truths. “And when the hell is someone going to explain what went wrong tonight?” I bury my face in my hands, and Lincoln reaches over giving my shoulder a half-hearted massage.
“I don’t want you to see him. Come home. Let’s get you out of this fucking mess, and we can go from there.”
“No.” I shake my head. “I need to see him. Those bastards we paid off came after me. They rammed my car into kingdom come.” A ripe anger burns right through to the surface, piercing this membrane of numbness I’ve been cocooned in for hours.
“I saw the wreck. The police hauled it away. Nobody can make heads or tails over what it might mean. They think—” He winces into the night. His fingers beat over the steering wheel to the tune of some imaginary rhythm.
“They think what?”
His head jerks to the side. “They think maybe you were trying to start a new life. Take Abby as the ultimate fuck you to Carter and his messed up wife.”
“Ex,” I whisper morbidly trying to wrap my head around his words. “Go to Shipwrecks.” I don’t say anything else until we arrive. The moon reflects thick on the ocean like a mirror, fanning out over the expanse with its iridescent angel wings.
I give rudimentary directions that consist mostly of my pointed finger and crude grunts.
“Go ahead.” Lincoln kills the engine in front of the house. “Just know I’m not going anywhere.”
I want to tell him that I don’t need for him to wait, that I want to make love to Carter until the sun comes up, that Carter is my strong tower, that he doesn’t have to be that for me anymore.
My legs carry me quickly up the stairs, and I give a series of brisk knocks over the door. It’s been six hours since we saw each other last, and, now, here I am, pounding on his door after midnight like a lunatic. He’ll probably answer with a gun.
“Carter!” I shout into the wind. It’s dark inside, save for a dim light in the kitchen.
The sound of footsteps, of panting, comes from behind as Harley gives a few friendly barks.
“Harley!” I give her fur a quick scratch as she jumps on me again and again. “Why are you outside? Where’s Carter?” My heart drums over my chest as if everything hinged on the answer this poor dog can’t give me. The sterile blue of the night, the monochrome world I’ve stumbled into, reminds me that just like the color in the day, everything can be taken away from me. Carter brought the color into my world, and he has the power to take it right back out.
Harley takes off for the side yard and toward the cove.
The cove.
I flick my shoes off and run down the twisted trail as the ocean opens its glowing arms, wide and strong as love.
The silhouette of a man seated on the sand, staring at the lonely, silent sea burns like a shadow against the illuminated night.
“Carter,” I whisper.
There he is lost in thought—perhaps in heartbreak.
“Carter!” My chest heaves as I make my way down the sand.
“Aspen!” My name vibrates from him with joy. It resonates through the air like a balm as he bullets in my direction. “Aspen.” His arms lock tight around me as I jump up onto his hips, and he spins me. “Aspen.” He dots my face with fervent kisses. His passion, his desire to have me, are both very much alive. “What the hell happened?” He pulls back, examining me in the dull light of the moon.
His hair, his features, are washed silver. “I don’t know. I got this call. It was Abby’s school.”
He pulls me in tight and closes his eyes. “They said they didn’t call.”
“What?” I blink back, surprised. “They called, Carter.” I spring back to the ground. “They told me Abby skinned her knee and that she wanted to go home.” I shake my head trying to read the silence, his furrowed brows, his tight jaw.
“Abby said she skinned her knees with you. She said you were running, and you fell in the bushes.”
“Oh, God.” A wave of nausea rolls through me. “Wait. Is that why I was charged with kidnapping? The school said I did this? Carter, they called me, I swear.” My mouth hangs open a moment as I take him in. “Do you think I would hurt you like that? That I would hurt Abby?”
“No.” He closes his eyes a moment. “It’s not that. Just before I got the call from Cher—I received some disturbing news.” Tears glimmer in his eyes as the moon reflects in each one like flashing dimes. “Cash said you took some money from Jinx. He said it was a sizable amount. Did you?”
A heavy wave pelts over the sand, crushing and loud as a gavel.
“I know how this looks.” My hands ride up and cover my ears for a moment. I squeeze my eyes shut tight, hoping to open them and find Carter smiling at me in bed, this entire disaster nothing but one long nightmare. “I promise you, I have a very good explanation.”
“You did it.” Carter bows his head in disappointment. His arms go lax,
gliding down to my hips.
Here it is, the end of the infallible us on the horizon. I can feel the executioner hovering above, ready to roll my head into a basket.
“I swear to you it’s not at all how it looks.” My chest constricts, can’t breathe, can’t push any more words past this painful fist in my throat. I clasp my hands together as if sending up a prayer, as if begging for him to understand.
“Aspen, you had options. If you needed money you could have turned to your family, your father, hell, you could have turned to me!” He strains the words out, shouting them over the wind, but all I hear is anger.
I shake my head defeated. This entire day, this life, has done nothing but shatter my bones, kick me in the teeth. I’m worn, chipped away to nothing.
“I love you,” I say it below a whisper. “But your willingness to believe the worst in me is astounding.”
“I don’t believe the worst in you.” He struggles with his next words. “You’re staring down the barrel of a felony—not to mention what Cher has planned. I just”—he touches his palm to his temples in a fit of frustration—“none of this adds up. What’s going through your head, Aspen? Tell me what you need, and let me give it to you.” Carter cups my cheeks. His lips tremble as he looks down over me with a look of fright, of confusion, and the underlying hint of fury. “Please, help me figure this out because I’m on the brink of losing my fucking mind.”
He says the words sweetly enough but they still manage to shred my heart like jagged razors. A tear streaks down his cheek and spears my heart in the process.
“I don’t have good reasons.” My hands clasp onto his a moment before falling to my sides. “I only have the truth, Carter. I can’t make the truth fit into a neat box. Yes, what I did was horrible. It was unthinkable, illegal. But I did not intend to harm your daughter. I would never do that.” He reaches for me, and I swat his arm away. “How in the hell can you think that?” I roar the words out over his face. “I love that little girl.” Our eyes catch. Our anger glows like iron in a fire. “I can see I’ve disappointed you.” I step past him, and he catches me by the wrist.
“Please, don’t. Let’s have this out. I need to. I need to know from A to Z what went through your mind in both these instances. And please, God, no more surprises. If there’s anything else I should be made aware of, give it to me straight because I don’t think I can handle another day like today.” He’s shouting and hurt, and I can’t do this with him anymore.
“Neither can I,” I say under my breath. My hands cover my face a moment. “My God, she’s done it. Both she and Henry have done it. Between Henry’s underworld dealings and the vicious lie Cher is propagating, we’re doomed, Carter. We will never survive this if you don’t have any faith in me.”
“I do have faith in you. Help me understand. Cher said when she got to school, they were surprised to see her. They called the police as soon as they figured out Abby was taken without permission. They set off an Amber Alert. They had every person in the city looking for your car.”
I’m stunned. Somehow Cher has managed to mastermind the big one right under my nose. She never intended to let me stay with Carter. She was simply scheming how to keep us apart—how to send me away, permanently.
“You believe her, don’t you?” I’m not sure why I bothered to ask. His squared off jaw, that defiant stance says it all. “Of course, you always choose to believe her over me. You always choose her! This is just history repeating itself.” I give him a hard shove in the chest. I want Carter away from me, out of my life. I want every painful memory of him erased once and for all.
“I did not choose her! She was having my baby!” The cords in his neck bounce as he pounds his finger to his chest. “I had to be there. I owed it to that little girl. I tried to do the right thing.”
“I guess that makes me the wrong thing.” The waves crash so loud, I’m thankful for their deafening cries. I don’t want to hear another thing that Carter Cannon has to say. “Cher wins. She always wins.”
I bolt down the beach with anger and heartbreak racing through my veins.
Carter thunders from behind. His footsteps pound into the sand like a heartbeat.
He catches me just before the trail that leads to the house and cages me in his arms.
“We’re not over, Aspen. I’m in love with you, and that’s never going to change.” He pants the words hard in my ear. “I just need you to talk to me, baby. Tell me the things I need to know. We can put this behind us. We can get you help. I still want us. I still need you in my life.”
I break free from his hold and twist into him as I stumble up the trail backward.
“I’m not insane, Carter. I promise you—if you choose to believe Cher, you have bigger issues to deal with as far as mental health goes. The mother of your child is a certifiable cunt who is hell bent on ruining my life.” I quicken my speed, traipsing up the trail like a spider. “You said we were indestructible!” I shout into the sky before turning around to get one last look at him. “I’m not the liar. Maybe it’s you.”
I run all the way to Lincoln’s car and jump in. Even with the windows rolled up, I can hear Carter shouting my name into the black of night, his voice drenched in pain.
That’s the one lasting emotion we’ve ever been able to give each other with any consistency.
Pain.
Carter
There is a moment in a man’s life that redefines him, makes him who he is and leads him down a path everlasting, for me, I believe this is that moment. The next day, after a long night of little to no sleep, I head for Calabasas. Somehow, at the heart of all this madness, lies Abby. As young and innocent as she is, I also believe she’s the only one I might get a straight answer out of.
Last night plays like a warped record in my mind. Aspen and I fighting on that same stretch of sand we declared our own. I’d love to start that conversation over—keep my mouth shut and let her speak. I was out of my mind with worry for both Aspen and Abby. I never once believed she would hurt my baby, but she was defensive. Her answers were loose. I wanted nothing more than to shake the details from her, and I went about it like a fucking asshole. It was panic induced by fear, driven by the words of my most paranoid brother. I wish to God I hadn’t met up with Cash at all yesterday. I wish to God I were blissfully in the dark about a very large, very illegal cash transaction Aspen took upon herself to complete.
After an hour of meandering the freeway, trying to clear my head and getting nowhere, I finally pull into the driveway of Cher’s home. It’s early enough where she hasn’t left to take Abby to school, yet the lights are on in the kitchen.
I jog up and give the door a friendly knock—my knock. Cher peeks from the living room curtain before heading over and letting me in.
“I suppose you worked everything out with that little whore last night.” She cinches her pink silk robe tight around her body.
“Good morning to you, too.” For a second I think of telling her off, making accusations I know I can’t prove, but I save it for now. “Where’s Abby?”
“Asleep. I’m not taking her in today.”
“That’s probably a good thing. Does she understand what happened?” I examine Cher for a moment. Her lips twitch, her brow rides high on one side. Cher has never made a secret of the fact she hates Aspen. She finds Aspen laughable. Cher has always referred to my relationship with Aspen as an obsession, on Aspen’s part that is. It was pointless to inform her otherwise. Besides, deep down, she knew the truth. It was me who was endlessly obsessed, hopelessly in love with Aspen, my Juliet, my everything. Cher was just an obstacle trying to keep us apart from the beginning.
“Yes, she understands. She knows she was kidnapped by that deranged psycho. I have a lawyer setting up a restraining order as we speak. I don’t want that evil bitch within a mile of my daughter. You hear that?” Her eyes darken a shade. Steam rises from her nostrils. This is the same jealously, the same visceral hatred I’ve seen from Cher regarding Aspen
once before—in those hazy beautiful days when I was just about to make Aspen mine.
“Look, Aspen isn’t a psycho. I’m in love with her. She’s going to be my wife. Obviously we have a very big misunderstanding here.” And that would be the best-case scenario. That money she stole from Jinx slingshots through my head, and I’m back to questioning Aspen’s sanity myself. But, right now, all I can do is solve one mystery at a time. “Tell me again what the school said when you tried to pick up, Abby.”
Cher’s head jerks as she tries to move the loose hair from her eyes. “They said she had already been picked up. They said Aspen came and told them there was some family emergency and whisked Abby right out of there.” The whites of her eyes expand. “She didn’t even have a car seat! She got into a major wreck, and our daughter could have been paralyzed! Killed!” She gargles it out with fury as the vein in her forehead bloats to the size of a finger.
“Daddy?” Abby wipes the sleep from her eyes at the top of the stairs, and I jog on up.
“Morning, princess.” I press a gentle kiss over her soft cheek. As much as I hate to admit it, Cher is right. Abby could have been killed. The police said they found Aspen’s car in the lot. Cash said it was pretty banged up. I asked him to track it down and send pictures. I need to see the destruction that happened. I need to examine this catastrophe from every angle. “I heard you have a few new stuffed animals I haven’t met. Show me your room.”
Abby hops down and squeals with delight. “Yay! Daddy!”
“Abby, don’t be long. I have breakfast!” Cher calls from below, her voice ricochets off the walls like a spasm. I want to ask if she’s afraid—unsure of what might happen while she’s not around to coach Abby.