“I wasn’t listening to a thing anyone was saying all the way through dinner,” Matt informs me as he unlocks his apartment door and ushers me inside. “All I could think about was getting you home.”
“And naked?” I ask with a raised brow.
“Not exactly,” he replies with a wolfish smile.
He tosses his keys in a glass bowl by the door and advances on me. He backs me farther into the living room, sits on his couch and pulls me onto him to straddle his lap. I have to shimmy my dress up around my hips to spread my thighs wide enough to comfortably sit on him. His eyes flare and darken as he glides his big hands up my bare thighs to cup my ass. “You looked amazing today.”
“Thank you,” I reply and offer him a small smile. I won’t let him see that my whole world has been turned upside down in the span of mere hours.
He and I aren’t going to work. I’ve known it from the beginning, but this afternoon at the hospital cemented it for me.
But I’m too fucking selfish to let go of him without saying goodbye, even if it’s only with my heart.
“You looked hot yourself,” I murmur. “Of course, you look hot in most anything.”
“I don’t think that’s true,” he disagrees with a grin.
“It is.” I lean in and nuzzle his nose with mine then kiss his cheek and down to his neck where I breathe him in.
I’m going to miss the smell of him.
“The green in this dress makes your eyes shine,” he whispers and licks my chest across the top of my dress. “Watching you move in it is every man’s fucking fantasy.”
“Every man’s?” I ask skeptically.
“This man’s,” he replies and nips my chin before claiming my mouth with his. His hands plunge under my hemline, grip the black thong I bought specifically for this dress, and rip it on each side, sliding it off me.
“That was new,” I murmur breathlessly.
“I’ll buy you another one,” he replies. “Put your hands behind your back.”
I scowl down into his face. I don’t want him to tie me up. Not this time. This is the last time we’ll make love, and I want to touch him, feel every glorious muscle under my hands as he moves inside me, but he doesn’t know yet, and I can’t argue.
I pull my arms behind me, and he quickly ties me with my own underwear then pushes me back on his knees so he can look his fill.
“Beautiful,” he whispers. He unfastens his pants and pushes them down his thighs far enough to unleash his cock.
“Please take your shirt off, too,” I whisper, keeping his gaze locked in my own.
He tilts his head but does as I ask, unbuttoning just two buttons on his shirt and pulling it over his head, tossing it aside. He reaches for my hips, and I raise up on my knees as he pulls me close to him and sink down on him, seating myself perfectly on top of him.
“Fuck, you’re already so wet,” he growls and plants wet kisses on my neck.
I begin to rise and fall on him, squeezing my muscles with every pull up.
He bites his lip and looks down where we’re joined, watching with hot eyes.
He reaches around me and grabs my hands in his, holding me prisoner as his hips piston up and down beneath me, fucking me hard.
“Holy fuck,” he grinds out, his eyes gliding up and down my body, over the curves in the tight dress, down to where we’re joined and back up again to look me in the eye. “Love being inside you, little one.”
I bite my lip, afraid I’m going to cry. I love it, too!
“Please untie my hands.”
“Are you hurting?” He stills, his face sober. He cups my cheek in one palm and watches me closely.
“No.” Yes! More than I ever have. “My hands don’t hurt, but I really want to touch you. Please.”
He frowns but reaches behind me and unties my hands.
I immediately wrap my arms around his neck and bury my face against his throat. I begin to move my hips, riding him hard and fast.
“Ah fuck, Nic,” he growls and once again grips my hips, guiding me as I ride him.
I keep my face planted in his neck so he can’t see the tears that fall silently as I make love to him, showing him with my body how much I love him.
“Baby, I’m going to come. If you don’t slow down, I’m going to come.”
I speed up. The tears stop, and I focus all of my energy, everything I am, on Matt.
Suddenly, he stands and reverses our position, laying me flat on the couch, all without falling out of me.
“I have to…” he mutters and begins to fuck me with long, hard thrusts, pounding into me unlike he ever has before, until he finally reaches between us and plants his thumb on my clit, making me fall over the edge into oblivion with him.
Before we can catch our breath, he pulls me back up into his arms and carries me, with my legs wrapped around his waist and arms around his neck, to the bedroom. He lays me gently on the bed, covering me with his body, brushing the backs of his fingers over my face.
“Matt,” I begin and have to clear my throat, praying I don’t start crying again.
“Yes, little one.”
I open my mouth to reply but have to close it again and try to get my thoughts in order.
“Hey.” He frowns and continues to caress my face, my hair. “Talk to me, baby. You’ve been acting strange since we were at the hospital.”
“I just…” I try to look away, but he grabs my chin and holds me in his gaze. “I love you,” I tell him simply.
And it’s true.
But I’m not right for you. I can’t make the words come. I’m such a fucking wimp. But I know him, and he’ll try to fix it, to tell me that everything will be fine, and I don’t think they will.
Seeing him with his family, worried over that unborn baby, soothing Olivia and holding her safely on his shoulder, showed me that I can’t fit in with his family.
I can’t give him a family.
And of anyone I’ve ever met in my life, Matt deserves that. I love him too much to ask him to do without it.
His face softens, and he kisses me tenderly before pulling away and lying next to me. He pulls me to him and nuzzles my nose with his. “I love you, too.”
His eyes are heavy, and soon he’s fallen asleep, breathing deeply.
I stay, watching him for a long time. I have no idea how much time passes as I listen to his even breaths, comb my fingers through his soft hair and take in every scent, every inch of his face and body, memorizing him.
Finally, when dawn is just beginning to come through the window, casting the room in a gray glow, I rise carefully, pull my dress down, retrieve my shoes and bag from the living room and let myself out of Matt’s home.
And his life.
Chapter Seventeen
~Matt~
I frown as I begin to surface from sleep and realize that Nic isn’t pressed up against me like she usually is in the morning. I open my eyes and glance around, but she’s not in the bed. The sheets are cool where she should be.
I lie and listen for a moment, hoping to hear movement in the kitchen. Maybe she decided to get up and make breakfast?
But there is no sound anywhere. Not in the kitchen. Not in the bathroom.
The apartment is still.
Where the fuck is she?
I push out of bed and walk through the apartment, just to be sure she isn’t curled up somewhere quietly reading, and when my suspicions are confirmed that she’s gone, I’m stumped.
What the fuck?
I pull my phone out of my jeans that were laying on the floor by the bed and call her, but she doesn’t answer, so I tap out a quick text.
Hey, baby. Where did you go? Please tell me you’re out getting breakfast.
I use the bathroom, splash water on my face and pull on some clothes. When she doesn’t respond to my text, I call her again, only to be sent to voice mail.
Did something happen to her? Did she get a call about her family, or the bakery?
Maybe she
left a note?
I search the apartment again but come up empty. No note. No message.
She’s just gone.
Cold, hard fear grips my gut as I grab my keys and slam out of my apartment to go search for her. Anything could have happened to her. What if she’d gone out to get coffee and was mugged? Raped?
Jesus, should I call the hospitals?
I find parking in front of the bakery and knock on the front door, praying she’s here. She isn’t open yet.
Tess answers with a confused frown. “Hi, Matt.”
“Is Nic here?”
“No, this is her Sunday off. I haven’t heard from her.”
I nod and back away from the door. “Thanks.”
I jog upstairs to her apartment and bang on her door, but there’s no answer, and no movement inside.
Just as panic is about to set in and I reach for my phone to call Asher and Caleb for help in finding her, I hear footsteps on the steps behind me. I whip around to see Nic, sweaty in her workout clothes, loud music plugged in her ears. She’s watching her feet and hasn’t seen me yet.
My breath leaves me in a loud sigh. Thank God she’s okay.
She raises her eyes and startles when she sees me at the top of the stairs. Her eyes are read and puffy from crying.
“God, baby, what’s wrong?” I ask as she pulls the earbuds out of her ears. “What’s going on?”
She shakes her head and finishes climbing the stairs, unlocks her door, and leads me inside.
“What is going on, little one?” I soften my voice as I walk into her apartment and shut the door behind me. “Why didn’t you tell me you were leaving?”
“Because you would have tried to make me stay,” she replies and marches into her bedroom.
I follow closely behind and watch from the doorway as she tosses her phone and earbuds on the bed and toes off her shoes.
“Of course I would have tried to make you stay. I love being with you.”
“I couldn’t stay.” She shakes her head and paces out into the living room, where I again follow her.
She’s not making any damn sense.
“Nic. Stop.”
She stops cold and looks at me with those wide green eyes, and my skin prickles the way it does when a case is about to go very bad.
I don’t want to hear what she’s about to say.
“We’re not going to work out, Matt.” She swallows and takes a deep breath.
“Why?” I fold my arms over my chest and lean against the wall, watching her. If she’s going to dump me, I’m not going to make it easy for her.
“You should have kids.”
I blink at her, sure I’ve misheard her. “Okay.”
“You have a big beautiful family, and you should have kids, too. Healthy kids. Lots of them.”
“Why do I feel like I’ve come in on the middle of a conversation?” I ask in frustration. “You’re not making any sense.”
“Do you want kids?” she asks desperately.
“Sure. Eventually.”
“See?” She throws her arms in a wide circle and begins to pace around the room again. “I mean, I know that talking about kids now would have most men already through the door and running down the block, but you see what I mean.”
“No, honestly, I don’t see anything at all. I have no idea what in the bloody fuck you’re talking about.”
She sighs and scrubs her hands over her face then looks me in the eye just as a tear slips down her cheek, almost sending me to my knees.
“Baby…” I begin, but she quickly backs away with her hands up in front of her.
“Don’t.”
“You have got to talk to me, Nicole.”
“I know I just…” She combs her fingers through her sweat-dampened hair and paces around her living room, then stops and props her hands on her hips. “I can’t be with you anymore.”
“Why?”
“Because I can’t.”
“You can do better,” I growl and narrow my eyes.
“I am not what you need or want.”
I raise my eyebrows in surprise and then let out a laugh. “Have you been hanging out with me lately, Nic? ’Cause I beg to differ.”
“I need to be in control. I don’t have a rich family to fall back on if this bakery doesn’t work out. I don’t have people around me to pick up the pieces if my health fails.”
“You could.”
She stops cold and stares at me, her mouth opening and closing, and then she just gets even angrier. “Oh, so now you’re proposing? What the fuck?”
“Nic, I need you to be very specific here. Are you saying you don’t feel anything for me?” Because if she is, she’s a motherfucking liar.
“I feel too fucking much!” she explodes. “I feel everything! And I’m not talking about the palm of your hand on my ass!”
“So you don’t want a kinky relationship? Is that what has you running? I felt your hesitation when I tied your hands last night.”
“No!” She drops down into her chair and hangs her head in her hands in defeat. “That’s not what I’m saying.”
“I’m so lost, I don’t know what the fuck is happening, Nic. Work with me here.”
“I can’t give you a family, Matt. Ever.”
I frown and watch her as she raises her defeated eyes to mine. “I don’t understand.”
“I told you about my health issues.”
I nod, still trying to connect the dots.
“I can’t have babies.”
“Diabetics have healthy babies every day, Nicole.”
She shakes her head and laughs humorlessly. “I also have the PCOS.”
“The reason you’re on the pill.” I nod, remembering.
“I don’t need the pill for birth control, Matt. The PCOS is my birth control. With that combined with the diabetes, a pregnancy is not a good idea for me. If I happened to get pregnant by some miracle, the pregnancy would be high-risk and difficult.”
“Okay.” I shrug. “What does this have to do with us?”
“Have you not been listening?” She looks at me like I’m an idiot, and I scowl back at her.
“You can’t have children. Although, I think there might be ways around that, with as far as medical science has come, but even if that’s true, why can’t we be together?”
“Because I can’t give you what you deserve!”
“What I deserve?” My blood is heating now. “What, exactly, do you think I deserve, Nicole?”
“A nice, submissive woman who can give you lots of babies and live happily ever after,” she whispers, not meeting my gaze.
I sit in the chair opposite her and stare at her for a long minute.
“Are you fucking kidding me?”
“No.” She shakes her head and clasps her hands together. “I love you enough to let you go and to find that person who can give you those things.”
“You know what, Nic? No one likes a fucking martyr.”
Her gaze whips up in shock. “Excuse me?”
“You heard me. Who the fuck are you to decide what I need and want?”
She stands to get in my face. “Well, isn’t that just fucking hypocritical?”
I stand and clench my fists at my sides, glaring at her, trying to ignore the gaping hole in my chest where my heart once was.
“I’ve always been one thousand percent honest with you, Nic. While you’ve only shared what was convenient or I ripped out of you. I told you from the beginning, trust is imperative in this relationship.”
I advance on her, not touching her, and push my face within inches of hers. “It’s my fucking job to keep you safe, and knowing what you need and want is a part of that. I’m in love with you. You need time to get your head on straight? Fine. I’ll leave you alone for now, but I’m telling you right now, you are mine. Nothing will ever change that.”
“I’m saying red,” she whispers.
I stare at her in shock for several seconds without blinking.
/> “You said at the club that all I have to say is ‘red,’ and it all stops.”
She’s using a fucking safe word?
I pull her against me and kiss the breath out of her, putting all the anger and frustration I’m feeling into this kiss, then I pull away and brush my thumbs down her cheeks, wiping her tears away.
“I don’t know how you got it in your head that you can’t give me what I deserve when I’m looking at everything I’ve ever wanted in a woman. You are what I need and deserve, Nicole. When you figure out that your medical issues are a fucking excuse to push me away, you come find me. In the meantime, you’re right. ‘Red’ is a term I understand perfectly.”
With that I turn away and walk out of her apartment without looking back.
***
I drive straight to the hospital. I need to see Natalie, and not worry about my own issues for a while.
Everything that Nic said in her apartment is rolling around in my head in a big, fucked-up, jumbled mess.
Jesus, how did we get here?
I walk into Natalie’s room with a bouquet of flowers that I spent way too much money on in the gift shop.
“Hey.” She grins and holds her arms open for a hug, which I happily oblige.
“Hey, sweet girl. How are you feeling?”
“Better today,” she replies.
“She passed the stone during the night,” Luke says as he shakes my hand. “We’ll be heading home tomorrow.”
“Thank goodness.” Nat sighs. “I miss my baby girl.”
“Don’t worry about Liv, just worry about you,” Luke instructs her and then laughs when Nat sticks her tongue out at him.
“She always was a handful,” I remark with a smirk. “I’m happy to see things haven’t changed.”
“Why did you come here? Just to be mean to me?” she asks and narrows her eyes on me.
“I came to check on you.”
“What’s wrong with you?”
“Nothing.”
“You look pouty.” She smirks.
“I do not.” I scowl and reach out to pull on a strand of her long dark hair. “I don’t pout.”
“You totally pout. Did Nic smack you around this morning?”
You have no idea.
“I’m not pouting.”