October 1965
I paced back and forth in the waiting room.
“Garrett, please stop pacing,” Margie said.
I looked at my best friend and his wife sitting there, smiling at me. I couldn’t help but smile when I glanced down and saw Billy’s hand on Margie’s swollen stomach. They were expecting their third child in a few weeks.
I let out a sigh and sat down. “I don’t understand. They said they would let me in the delivery room with her, and no one is telling me a thing. I’m about to punch a hole in the damn wall if they don’t let me see my wife.”
Billy laughed. “Garrett, with our first two, I wasn’t allowed in until after Margie gave birth, so just take some deep breaths. The nurse will let you know. Y’all just got here thirty minutes ago.”
I nodded my head and then dropped it down into my hands as I tried to calm down.
“Mr. Mathews?”
I jumped up and looked around. When I saw the nurse standing there, I practically ran up to her. “Yes! That’s me!”
She chuckled. “I know. I checked your wife in. Are you ready to head into the delivery room?”
I instantly felt sick and turned back to look at Margie and Billy. They both smiled.
“Go on, Mathews. Don’t miss the chance to see your child being born,” Billy said.
I spun back around to face the nurse. “Yes, I’m more than ready.”
As we walked into the delivery room, I couldn’t help but notice how beautiful Emma looked. When our eyes met and she smiled, I had to remind myself to breathe.
I walked up to her and leaned down to gently kiss her on the lips. “You take my breath away. You’re so beautiful.”
The nurse walked up to the other side of Emma. I looked up at her, and she smiled at Emma and then at me. “Now, Emma, I want you to breathe through the contractions, okay? Just like what we went over.”
Emma nodded her head and took my hand in hers. “Okay. As long as I have my husband by my side, everything is good.”
Then, she squeezed my hand and began breathing quickly. “Oh my…oh…this one is…”
The nurse said, “Breathe, Emma. Breathe through the pain.”
Emma smiled and nodded her head. She looked at me and winked.
Three hours later, I was ready to hurt someone. Emma was in so much pain, and I felt helpless that I couldn’t do anything.
“Mrs. Mathews, just a few more pushes, and your baby will be here,” the doctor said.
“Damn it!” Emma called out as another contraction hit her.
When Kathy, the sweet nurse who had been here the whole time, started in with her breathing reminder again, I knew she was in trouble.
Emma snapped her head and gave her a look. “I swear to God, if you tell me one more time to breathe through the pain, I’m going to punch you!”
I tried not to, but I laughed. Then, I quickly said, “I’m so sorry, Kathy. She doesn’t mean what she is saying.”
Kathy smiled and said, “I know, Mr. Mathews. I take it all with a grain of salt.”
I nodded my head, and I was about to say something else when Emma grabbed my shirt.
“If you think for one minute that I’m going to let you do this to me again, you have another thing coming. Never. Again.”
I swallowed hard and looked at Kathy.
She mouthed, Grain of salt, to me and smiled.
I looked back down at Emma and said, “I’m so sorry, Em. If I could—”
Then, the doctor said, “Emma, push with the contraction. We just need one more good one.”
I helped Emma to sit up a bit as she pushed as hard as she could. She never once screamed out in pain. I was pretty sure that was because she was slowly and painfully breaking each of my fingers. She was on her way to breaking my hand.
Then, I heard our baby’s cries as Emma fell back onto the bed.
As the doctor held up our child, he said, “It’s a boy, Mr. and Mrs. Mathews.”
I couldn’t help the flood of tears falling from my eyes as I looked at our child for the first time.
“He’s beautiful.” Emma began crying.
I turned and looked at her and then back at the baby. Besides my wife, I’d never seen anything so beautiful in my life. When I looked back down at Emma, I smiled as I reached down and wiped her tears from her face.
“You did it, Em. He’s breathtaking…like his mother.” I leaned over and kissed her lips gently. I whispered, “I love you, Em.”
She pulled me closer to her and deepened the kiss. As she let me go, she whispered back, “I love you more.”
I walked into the room and stopped immediately. Emma was in bed, holding our son. Seeing the two most important people in my life before my eyes, my heart couldn’t possibly swell up any more.
“Hey,” I said in a hushed voice.
As I walked up to the side of the hospital bed, Emma smiled big. “Hey back. He just finished eating, and he’s out like a light.”
I reached down and kissed her on the forehead and then kissed my son. “Have you given any more thought to his name?” I raised my eyebrow.
I knew Emma was torn between naming our son James or Jack. Jack was my favorite name, and I would love to see my son named after my beloved horse, but James was Emma’s father’s middle name. I could see the indecision on her face.
“You want to know what I think?” I asked.
She smiled. “Of course I do.”
“Once upon a time, a great man had faith in me. He trusted me to do right by his daughter and to love her and treat her like she deserved, being the princess that she was. He gave me a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to better myself, so I would be able to take care of that princess. If it weren’t for this great man, our son wouldn’t be here today. I think we owe it to him to name our first son after him—Charles James Mathews.”
Emma tried to contain the sob, but it escaped her lips, and the moment she closed her eyes, the tears began to slide down her face. I reached over and kissed them away. When I pulled back, she attempted to talk, but she began crying again. Her little body was bouncing up and down as she cried, so I quickly slipped my hands under the baby and picked him up. I held him to my chest as I walked around. I peered down at him. When I looked up, I saw Charles and Maria standing at the door. It wasn’t lost on me that Charles had quickly wiped a tear away before glancing down at Emma.
Maria walked up to me and asked, “May I?”
I chuckled. “Of course. He’s been waiting to meet his grandparents.”
I handed the baby to Maria. She sat down and began speaking baby talk to him as I sat down next to her. Charles was standing next to Emma, talking to her.
He turned around and looked at me, and then he cleared his throat. “Garrett, I heard what you said, and well…I couldn’t be more honored to have you as a son-in-law. Thank you so much for loving my daughter like you do.”
I tried desperately to hold back the tears building in my eyes. This had been an emotional day with the birth of my son and me wishing like hell that my father were here to hold him. With Emma’s dad saying what he had said, it had just about pushed me over the edge.
“Thank you, sir. I’ll love Emma until the day I die.”
He nodded his head and held out his hand. I placed my hand in his to shake it, but he pulled me in for a hug.
He whispered in my ear, “I know you will, and I know how hard this is for you. Your father would have been so proud of you, son.”
And there went the tears.
Charles pulled back and smiled at me as I quickly wiped away my tears.
He slapped his hands together and said, “Now, I don’t think you should call him Charles.”
Emma giggled and said, “What about Jim? It’s short for James.”
I nodded my head and looked at Maria.
She nodded her head and said, “I like it. It gives him his own name in a way.”
Maria stood and walked up to Charles. She placed Jim in his arms.
When I saw the tear slowly moving down his face, my heart stopped briefly. I glanced at Emma, who was now crying again. I walked over to her and leaned down before kissing her gently on the lips.
After Charles and Maria left, my father and mother came in.
“David, Julia, you made it,” Emma said.
I walked up and hugged my mother and shook my father’s hand. “I didn’t think y’all would be able to make it tonight,” I said.
With one look at Jim, my mother broke down in tears. “Oh. My. Lord. He is the most beautiful baby I’ve ever seen.”
“Hey!” I said. I scooped Jim up from his bassinet and placed him in my mother’s arms.
She tried not to, but she began crying as she sat down on the sofa next to David.
“Mother, please don’t cry.”
She let out a sob. “I’m so sorry. It’s just…I just wish your father could hold him.”
David wrapped his arm around my mother and gently kissed her on the forehead. My heart was beating faster, and I had to excuse myself from the room. I heard Emma call out for me, but I needed fresh air.
As I sat on the bench outside the hospital, I looked up. “Dad, why did you leave us? I really wish you were here.” I placed my face in my hands and tried to concentrate on my breathing. It felt like someone was sitting on my chest.
I felt a hand on my shoulder, and when I looked up, I saw David standing there.
“Do you mind if I sit down?”
I shook my head and slid over just a bit. We sat in silence for a good ten minutes before he took a deep breath and let it out.
“After your sister was born, I felt the same way you feel right now, son. Oh, how I wished my mama and daddy could see her. She is a true gift from God. I remember Billy sitting on this same exact bench when his first child was born, feeling the same way you’re feeling. I didn’t have the words to make him feel better, just like I don’t have the words to make you feel better. We all suffer losses in our lives. Some suffer greater than others, but each loss is significant to the person left behind. Your father has been with you this entire time, son. He’s never left your side, and I’m pretty sure if I asked you right now, if you’ve ever felt his presence, you would tell me yes. It’s unfair in a way.”
I looked at him and asked, “What’s unfair?”
“Being left behind and still feeling the pain for those who we have lost.”
I nodded my head. “Yes, it is. Just when I think I’m okay, something happens, and I miss him. I’ll smell the same cologne he wore, or a memory will pop into my head, or…or knowing my children will never know their grandfather.”
David let out a giggle. “They will know him, Garrett. You will make sure that they know him. You’ll talk about him often, and you’ll share stories and advice he gave you. They might not be able to physically know him, but they will know him.”
I quickly wiped a tear away and smiled. “David, I don’t think I’ve ever really thanked you.”
He turned and looked at me as he raised his eyebrow at me. “Thanked me for what?”
“Everything you did for me and Mama after Daddy passed away. Thank you for helping with the ranch while I was in school and for showing me everything my father would have shown me. Thank you for loving my mother. I really am glad you two found each other, and I know Daddy would want her to be with someone he trusted and loved.”
I held my breath as I saw David’s eyes fill with tears.
He reached for me and pulled me in for a hug. “You’ll never know how much that means to me, son.”
He slapped me hard on the back, and then he sat back and wiped away his tears. “Now, Garrett, I’m going to give you some advice my daddy gave me when Billy was born.”
I nodded my head. “Okay, I’m listening.”
“Help Emma out as much as possible. This baby took two to make, and it will take two of y’all to raise. You do your part in helping out with everything. That means, if you have to scrub your own britches, you scrub your own britches, so she can rest.”
I nodded my head. “Yes, sir.”
“Now, here is the big one—write her a letter.”
I pulled my head back and looked at him with a confused expression. “A letter? What kind of letter?”
He smiled a crooked smile. “A letter telling her how you’ve felt—from the moment she told you she was having your child to watching her belly grow, and most of all, to holding your child in your arms for the first time. Write it down while it is fresh in your memory, son. Then, after you get home, when it feels like the right time, you give her that letter. Take the baby and go for a walk, so she has some time alone when she reads it.”
I smiled and asked, “Did you write one to Mama after Lily was born?”
He chuckled. “Yes, I did. And let me just say, when I got back with Lily, your mother was…well…some things are best kept to oneself.”
I shuddered. “Oh Lord, thank you for not sharing.”
We both started laughing.
David stood up and put his hand on my shoulder. “My advice is to write it as soon as possible.”
I stood up and reached my hand out for his. “Yes, sir. I’ll do it right away.”
As we made our way back into the hospital, I stopped at the nurses’ station and asked for paper and a pen. I made my way back up to Emma’s room. When I walked in, my mother was saying good-bye to Emma, and Jim was sound asleep in his bassinet.
“Are you leaving already, Mama?” I asked. I looked over at Emma, who seemed to be struggling to keep her eyes open.
My mother giggled. “Yes. We are staying the night with Charles and Maria, so we will be back tomorrow. I think Emma needs some rest.”
My mother gave Emma a good-bye kiss on the cheek and then made her way over to me. She brought me in for a hug. She moved her mouth up close to my ear and whispered, “Just speak from your heart.”
I pulled back and smiled. I was sure she knew David had told me about the letter. “Always, Mother. You raised me right.”
She winked. “You bet I did.”
I walked my mother and David out into the hall and talked to them for another five minutes.
When I walked back into the room, Emma was sleeping. I walked up to her and gently kissed her on the lips. I whispered, “Sleep, Buttercup.”
I took the pad of paper and pen and sat down to begin writing my letter.
My dearest Emma,
I always thought that the day you said yes when I asked you to marry me would be the most amazing day of my life, but I was so wrong. Then, I thought the day you became my wife was surely the happiest day of my life. Yet again, I was wrong. Then, the day you walked into the barn, I knew from the look on your face that our family was about to get a bit bigger. Oh, yes, I thought, this was the happiest day of my life by far. I was proved wrong again. Watching your stomach grow day after day with our child—I thought nothing would ever top that. I was wrong again.
Today—the birth of our son—is one of the happiest days of my life by far, but it is not the happiest day. It finally dawned on me why. Every night, when I lay my head down next to yours, I thank God for another day with you. Each day I’m with you is the happiest day of my life, Emma. Every waking moment we are together, I’m the happiest I’ve ever been.
When we make love and we are completely one with each other, when you laugh at my silly jokes, or when you hold me as I feel like my world is about to come undone—these are the happiest moments of my life. When I walk in and see you standing at the kitchen sink, doing a little dance while listening to the radio and fixing dinner—my God, Em—I feel like my heart is going to burst from happiness.
Thank you, Emma, for giving me so many moments that I will treasure forever. Thank you for loving me. I pray every night that I make you as happy as you make me.
I’m sitting here right now, looking at our son, and I’m already thinking of our grandchildren. We are going to be kick-ass grandparents, Em. I’ll teach them all there is
to know about the ranch, and you will teach them to love one hundred percent with their hearts.
I can’t wait to see what our future holds together. Always know you are my love, my life, and my forever.
Now, I’m going to stop writing this letter, so I can watch my beautiful wife sleep. I’ll love you forever, Emma Rose Mathews. Never forget, our love is a forever love.
Love,
Garrett
“Should we wake him up, Mrs. Mathews?” the nurse asked.
We both looked down at Garrett sleeping in the chair.
I shook my head as we made our way out of the room. “No…let’s let him sleep for just a bit.”
I walked the halls of the hospital and tried like hell not to show the pain I was in. I was sure my son had ripped me open from one end to the other, but no way would I tell Garrett that. He would treat me like I couldn’t do a thing if he knew I was in so much pain.
“The walking will help, Mrs. Mathews. I know it hurts. Would you like more pain medicine?”
I shook my head. “No, thank you. I don’t like the idea of taking it while breastfeeding the baby.”
She smiled slightly at me. “I promise you, it won’t hurt the baby.”
I bit down on my lower lip. “Well, I am in a lot of pain, so maybe—”
“You’re in a lot of pain? Should you be walking, Emma? Maybe she should be resting,” Garrett said as he walked up alongside me and held on to my arm.
I let out a laugh. “Garrett Mathews, you will not treat me like I’m incapable of doing anything. Of course I’m in pain. I just pushed a watermelon out of a hole the size of a grape. Now, don’t harass the nurse. Walking is very good for me, and the faster I can get out of the hospital and home with you and our son, the better.”
Garrett nodded his head and smiled. “Yes, ma’am. Ladies, I do believe I’m going to go peek at my son through the nursery glass again.”
I let out a giggle. “Tell him I love him.”
Garrett leaned down and kissed me on the cheek. “I will, Buttercup.”
After a few more minutes of walking, I turned to the nurse and said, “You know what? I’ll take that pain medicine now.”