I did, however, know someone who did know how to introduce people to that lifestyle, albeit from a different angle. I spent Monday evening debating it, then made the call on Tuesday evening, when I knew he'd be home.
“Tanner.” I stretched out on the couch.
“Hey, Nori.” He sounded pleased to hear from me.
In the background, Bach was playing, and I didn't even have to close my eyes to picture the expensive, but not ostentatious, sound system in Tanner's townhouse. We'd spent many nights over the last few years in that room, listening to music while we made love.
“Are things going any better?” he asked.
“They are,” I said, knowing he could hear the hesitation in my voice. “How are you doing?”
“Good,” he said easily. “I went to Black Masque last night and people were asking about you. Wished you would've let us say goodbye.”
I knew it wasn't a dig at me, but I felt guilty nonetheless. I should've told him I was leaving Texas. We were friends, and we had a history together. Four years was nothing to sneeze at, even if we weren't romantically involved anymore. The fact that I felt no jealousy at all thinking about Tanner having spent last night with another woman was proof enough that we'd been right to end things. I actually hoped he enjoyed himself. I wasn't going to ask for details though.
“I'm sorry I didn't tell you,” I said.
“It's okay.”
“No, it's not. You're my friend. I should've told you.”
There was a moment of silence. “Thank you.”
“If I decide to stay here, I'll have to come back for the rest of my things. I'll come see you then.”
“We'll have a party. Invite some friends.” He was using that final tone he sometimes used when we were together, the one that meant it was pointless to argue. Then his voice shifted. “I'm guessing you didn't just call to chat about the weather or my social life.”
“I didn't,” I admitted. I hesitated for a moment, knowing he wasn't going to like what I was about to say. “I called to ask you about...well, about being a Dom.”
I could almost feel his surprise. I'd never expressed any interest in being a switch – someone who enjoyed both domination and submission. Despite the control I appreciated having in my everyday life, I'd only ever been a Sub sexually.
“Can I ask why?”
I figured the band-aid method was the best way to do this. “Because I want to teach someone how to be one.”
Silence.
I didn't speak, waiting for Tanner to process what I'd said. I'd always been a patient person to begin with, and my time with Tanner had made me even more so.
“The soldier.”
I could've lied, but I'd never lied to Tanner. That had always been part of the reason we worked. He was the one person I never had to lie to. So I didn't now. “Yes.”
“Please explain.”
The words were polite, but I knew Tanner well enough to know that he was holding back his opinion.
“He's struggling.” I chose my words carefully. I didn't want to betray X's trust, but I knew Tanner wouldn't help me unless he understood my reasoning. And I needed his help. If I wasn't careful, this could go very wrong.
“And you think that will help him?” Again, no judgment.
“I think that the accident, the scars, losing his place in the army, has left him feeling like he's less than a man, that he's lost all of his control.” I kept my voice low, though I doubted X would be able to hear me. “I can't make it so that the accident didn't happen. I can't fix the scars or get him back into the army.”
“But you think that this will make him feel like a man, like he has control again.” Tanner made it a statement rather than a question.
“I do.” I made sure I sounded even more certain than I was.
“Do you think sex is the right way to go?”
“I'm not planning to have sex with him,” I said quickly. “And I told him that. We're not going to go there. I'm not stupid, Tanner.”
“I never said you were.”
I could hear him hesitate, almost weighing his next words.
“You're not stupid, Nori, but you are...emotional.” Before I could be offended, he continued, “I don't mean that in an irrational, negative sort of way. Only that you care so deeply, that it sometimes clouds your judgment.”
He didn't say that my parents were a prime example of this, but I knew he was thinking it. We'd had that discussion many times over the years. He told me more than once that I should've stood up to my parents and told them to deal with their own shit, but I'd never been able to completely turn them away.
This wasn't the same thing though.
“I know this is...inappropriate, but I can't think of any other way to get through to him.” I could hear the near-desperation in my voice. “I can't let him hurt himself, Tanner.”
“I'm assuming you're not telling the priest about your...experiment.”
“Hell no.”
Tanner chuckled and the knot inside me eased a bit. He wasn't angry. I didn't think he approved exactly, but he wasn't mad.
“Look, Tanner, I know this is weird, and not...hell, I don't even have a word for what it is or what it isn't. What I do know is that if I don't get something through that thick head of his, he's going to let himself drown in depression, and nothing will be able to pull him back.”
Silence again.
And, again, I waited.
“You have to set strict boundaries before you do anything else.”
Relief went through me. He was going to help.
“I told him no sex and that we had to have a safe word,” I said. “What else?”
“Make sure he knows the correct terms and definitions,” Tanner said promptly. “Not necessarily the names of all the toys, but more the sorts of things he'll need to know when he meets a Sub he wants to play with.”
My stomach churned, and I told myself it was just nerves. It had nothing to do with the thought of X and another woman. Nothing to do with the mental images of him doing the things I’d teach him with someone else. If I didn't feel that way about Tanner with someone else, then I sure as hell couldn't feel that way about X.
“Okay. Terminology. Got it.”
“How are you planning on doing this without any sexual contact?” Tanner asked.
And, that, I knew, was the true question. Tanner hadn't thrown me into things, but it'd always been sexual, even as slow as we'd taken it. I didn't know how I could ever teach X about a sexual world without sex being a part of it.
“I'm not sure,” I admitted. “I was thinking that I'd start with getting him to set his own boundaries about touching and all that. Getting him comfortable in his own skin again, so that he'll know going in what bothers him and what doesn't.”
“That sounds like a good start,” Tanner said. “A Dom has to be sure enough of himself that he can focus solely on his Sub's needs.”
“I remember you telling me when we first started, that being a Dom was about taking care of a Sub mentally and emotionally as well as physically.”
“It is,” Tanner agreed. “If you've got a good read on this guy – and I trust you do – then focus on the responsibility factor. He was used to being in charge of troops, right?”
“He was a sergeant,” I said.
“Then use that as an example. How he had a responsibility to his soldiers. They weren't helpless, but it was still his job to look out for them.”
At his words, everything started to fall together. I could see exactly how I could do this without sex. I knew, eventually, X would incorporate sex into things, but for right now, between the two of us, it was about acceptance of who he was, learning that there were still things under his control, and giving him something to fight the depression.
“Thanks, Tanner,” I said. “You've been a huge help.”
“Anytime.” He paused and then added, “Just be careful, Nori. I don't want to see you get hurt.”
“I won't,” I ass
ured him. X wouldn't hurt me. He may have been angry and depressed, but he wasn't violent. He'd never lash out at me.
As I ended the call, I realized that Tanner hadn't meant physically. He'd said before that I was emotional. That was what he was afraid of. That I'd get attached to X, and when he chose someone else, I'd get hurt. I should've called or texted Tanner to let him know that it wasn't like that, but I didn't. We were just friends now. Even though he wanted me safe, it was my responsibility to make sure that I stayed that way.
I'd be fine, I told myself. I was going into this with my eyes open, and I knew exactly what to expect. X was depressed, but he wasn't naïve or easily coerced. We'd never go further than either of us were comfortable. It'd be therapeutic.
Like massage.
There were the legitimate kinds of massage that people received to help them relax and de-stress, and they even had those kinds naked. But despite what could've turned into a sensual, sexual encounter, the behavior of both the masseuse and the person being massaged kept things professional.
This would be just another form of therapy.
A very unorthodox one, but if I handled it right, it could change everything for X.
I stared up at the ceiling as I went through my plans again. That would be an important part of keeping both of us in the right frame of mind. Rules, guidelines, a framework of what we were going to do.
As long as I kept thinking about it like a different form of massage therapy, I'd keep myself focused on the right part of the experience.
Getting X better.
That was the only thing that mattered. I'd worry about me after.
Chapter Four
Xavier
The cities that were crucial during the country's fight for independence had always been, in my opinion, the best places to spend the Fourth of July. Even before I'd joined the service, I'd loved the celebrations thrown in and around Philadelphia. After I'd enlisted, I'd found a new sense of purpose and appreciation in Independence Day, even more so than the holidays set aside to honor the military, both past and present. I appreciated those holidays, but there was always something about the Fourth that was special to me.
This year, however, I didn't want anything to do with it. I still appreciated the sacrifices that had been made, and I didn't hold any anger toward the army for what happened to me since it hadn't been their fault, but I didn't want to think about the military at all.
That, I knew, was the real problem.
I wasn't dumb enough to think that if I'd received the same injuries while overseas I wouldn't have had issues with anger and depression. Hell, I might've been angry with the army then, but I liked to think that I would've seen it as the sort of sacrifice I'd signed up to make.
What happened hadn't been a part of the deal though. Dying or being injured for my country, no matter what my feelings were about the war itself, was something I knew could happen.
Getting caught in an explosion while trying to save a pedophile...that hadn't been in the cards.
I tried not to think about what I would've done if I'd known what the man was. The kid, that was a no-brainer. But the man. That was different. Even my father, bastard that he was, hadn't molested my sister or me. Personally, I tended to think that the punishment should fit the crime and abusers should suffer the exact same horrors they'd inflicted on others. I knew that if I ever met my father again, I fully intended to beat the shit out of him. At least I knew that child molester was probably getting what he deserved.
Sultan Rush.
That was the asshole's name.
He'd been arrested before for exposing himself to children, as well as inappropriate contact with a minor, but neither charge had gotten him more than a slap on the wrist. A couple boys in his apartment building had made complaints, but there'd never been enough evidence against him for an arrest.
Now there was plenty of evidence and a victim who was courageous enough to testify.
If I'd known who Sultan was, I might not have gone back into that building for him. It wouldn't have prevented him from hurting that boy. That had already been done. But if I hadn't gone back inside, if I hadn't told anyone that another person was in the building, maybe the paramedics wouldn't have found Sultan Rush in time.
Then, instead of him sitting in jail, waiting for trial, he'd be dead in his personal crematorium. Now, there was the possibility that a jury could find him not-guilty, or that he'd serve only a partial sentence before being released. If I hadn’t rescued him, he'd have lingered in agony, slowly slipping away until he finally gave it up.
He deserved all that and more.
No matter how bad I thought I was, no matter what I felt like I deserved because of my past, there were still people way worse. Rush was one of those people.
If I’d been injured saving the kid, maybe I wouldn't have had so much anger. That would've been worth it. His life would've been worth any sacrifice. But to lose so much for someone like Rush...
I turned away from the living room window and tried not to rub at my arm. Worst part about any healing injury. Itched like a son of a bitch.
It was also a good distraction from thinking about what was supposed to happen in a couple of hours. And that was a distraction from what today was.
Which, I assumed, was exactly why Nori had chosen our first session to be today.
Session.
The word almost made me laugh. It sounded like I was about to talk to a shrink, not dabbling in some kinky S&M shit.
I was still trying to wrap my head around all of it. Nori being into sex that was definitely not the vanilla kind. Her offer to teach me.
Without sex.
I'd needed to remind myself of that ever since she made the offer.
She planned to show me certain aspects of that world, but we weren't going to have sex.
That was for the best, I told myself. In the past, I had no problem having sex without an emotional connection, but that was only because I picked up women I didn't know. I'd never had a friend with benefits or anyone like that. Nori and I were friends, or at least, I hoped we were. With Zed gone, she was pretty much the only friend I had aside from Father O'Toole, and he was more mentor than companion.
I didn't want to lose that. Even though a part of me still wanted to push her away and give in to the hopelessness that nearly choked me at times, her refusal to walk away gave me something that wasn't quite hope, but it was close. Close enough that I was willing to not push the issue of sex, no matter how badly I wanted her.
“X.”
I almost jumped. I'd been so caught up in my thoughts that I hadn't heard her approach. I turned, hoping I looked far more casual than I felt.
“Hey.”
My eyes widened slightly when I saw what she was wearing. It was far from provocative, but it definitely wasn't the scrubs or even jeans and t-shirt I'd become used to seeing on her. Instead, she was wearing a wrap-around dress, the kind that cinched with a tie at the waist. It looked like cotton rather than silk but still showed off her curves. A deep green, it suited her coloring, and it wasn't the usual red, white, and blue fare that most would be wearing today.
“You look nice,” I said, well aware that the statement was clearly inadequate, but it was all I could manage at the moment. If I told her what I really thought, I knew she'd turn around and walk away.
I should have wanted that, I knew, but I didn't.
One side of her mouth tipped up. “Not so bad yourself.”
I appreciated the compliment even though I knew it was only by comparison to how I normally looked. I'd showered and shaved, made sure I had clean clothes to wear. I couldn't do anything about the scars, but I'd tried to make myself as presentable as possible.
I scratched the back of my head, just now realizing how long my hair had gotten. “What do we do now?”
Nori came into my living room and looked around. The curtains were already pulled across the window, just like they were every time I came in here. The second f
loor should've been too high for anyone to see in, but I didn't want to risk it.
She glanced at me and then gestured toward the couch. “Let's sit.”
I gave her a puzzled look but didn't say anything. She might've been coming to teach me about being a Dom, but right now, she was running the show. I sat at one end and tried not to be disappointed when she sat at the other, a full cushion between us.
“Before we do anything,” she said, her voice even. “There are some things that need to be discussed.”
Great. Talking. That's exactly what I wanted to do.
She chuckled and I raised an eyebrow in question.
“Don't worry, X. It's not like I'm going to be asking you to share your feelings or anything like that. Relax.”
I must've looked as surprised as I felt because she smiled.
“You get this look on your face,” she said. “Did you know that? This expression when you don't want to do something.”
I wasn't entirely sure how I felt about her being able to read me so well. “I'll keep that in mind.”
“When you're in a relationship with a Dom or a Sub, you have to be able to discuss things, even if it's just a short talk,” she said. “Obviously, how detailed it gets depends on whether you're just hooking up or if you're getting involved in an actual relationship. You set up a safe word. It can be anything, but usually not 'no' or 'stop' because that can be...well, you don't always mean it.”
“So, what, it's something like 'apples? '”
Her eyes sparkled when she smiled. “If you want. Just as long as it's not something you'd normally yell out in bed.”
The image hit me so hard I almost swore.
Nori, naked, on my bed, legs spread wide, screaming my name while I pounded into her.
Oh, fuck.
“Mine's 'ruby.'” Nori was still talking, which I took to mean she hadn't noticed my momentary lapse in attention.
Or the fact that my cock was much harder than it should've been considering I wasn't getting laid tonight.
“Can I use red?” I blurted out the question in an attempt to get the picture of her out of my head.