And I could never do it again.
I kept telling myself that as I finished showering. Kept reminding myself that she wasn't interested in me in that way. That she was doing this to try to help me, to make amends for something that hadn't been her fault in the first place. She wanted to save me because she hadn't been able to save her brother. I could never forget that.
It might be the only way I could keep myself from doing something stupid.
Again.
Chapter Ten
Xavier
Yeah, that was much easier said than done.
When I saw Nori the day after our second session, I reminded myself that she was simply helping out someone who she felt needed it. I gave her a polite half smile and thanked her for making breakfast.
The surprised expression on her face told me I hadn't been nearly this polite before, and that I should have been. I made a mental note to try harder to appreciate everything she was doing.
Even if it was only because she felt sorry for me. Okay, maybe compassion was a better word. No matter how much the darkness in me wanted to claim pity, I knew Nori better than that. She might feel like I needed to be protected, which was humiliating enough, but she didn't pity me. She saw a strength in me and wanted me to find it in myself.
“Nori,” I blurted out her name.
She'd been heading for the door and stopped. As she turned, I tried not to think about how cute she looked in her shorts and t-shirt. The ponytail she wore made her look even younger than twenty-four.
“You can stay here and eat with me.”
Even as I said it, I realized how completely idiotic it sounded. But then she gave me a tentative smile and turned around. She slid into the seat across from mine and started in on the pancakes she'd piled on her plate. That was one thing I'd always loved about army women. They never did the whole 'oh, no, I don't eat, I exist on air and sunshine' thing that too many civilian women did. I was pleased to see that Nori ate what she wanted.
“Your food's getting cold.”
I blinked and realized that I was watching her instead of eating. Trying not to look like I was embarrassed, I dug into the food.
“Any plans for today?” Nori asked a few minutes later.
“Figured I'd go out, hit a few clubs.” The sarcasm practically dripped from my words. “You know, see how many women dig scars.”
I glanced up and realized I'd said the wrong thing. Nori's mouth had tightened, and she was looking down at her fork, pushing things around on her plate.
It was on the tip of my tongue to tell her that I'd never been that guy, the good guy, the one who deserved people to think good things about him. But I stopped. She actually didn't need me to tell her. I was pretty sure she already knew it, and if she didn't, she would soon enough.
Things didn't get any better after that. The only good thing I could say was they didn't actually get worse either. In fact, the thing that frustrated me the most was that things seemed to have plateaued. Even if there wasn't any romance between us, the entire basis of a Dom / Sub relationship was trust. I'd figured that part, at least, would be the same. I had no idea what I'd actually expected to happen, but it hadn't been nothing.
Though maybe that was a good thing. The entire day after our second session, I found myself looking for her, hoping that I'd see her. Instead of staying on the second floor and burying myself in video games and sleep after PT, I started wandering around the house, going from room to room on the bottom floor, hoping that she'd be somewhere, cleaning or cooking. When I didn't find her there, I actually ventured out back by myself. Despite the high fence surrounding the little piece of land, I stuck in the shadows for the short amount of time it took me to confirm that she wasn't out there.
I knew that meant she was upstairs, but I still hung around on the bottom floor. I stayed there through lunch, but she didn't come down. I just hoped that didn't mean she was avoiding me. I didn't think she'd do that, but that dark part of my mind was starting to make itself known again.
I ate my dinner upstairs, but that didn't stop me from wondering if Nori had come down as soon as I'd left. Wondering if she'd been watching and waiting, not wanting to interact with me after last night. Wondering if she'd figured out how I felt about her. Or, rather, how much I wanted her, since I wasn't even entirely sure how I felt.
The rest of the night was spent staring at the television without really seeing what I was watching. It sounded like a reality show of some kind, but I couldn't muster up the energy to change the channel. I couldn't stop thinking about her.
She haunted me.
That was the only word I could think of to explain how she affected me. Haunting. Like she was some ethereal being beyond my touch. It was strangely and painfully accurate. Except I was the one who was dead and she was very much alive.
She was there every time I closed my eyes. Every thought led me to her. Her plan to pull me out of the darkness by giving me back control had worked, but not the way either of us expected. She was the one who'd pushed it back, and she was the one who kept it at bay. Tapping into the part of me that craved control had shown me a different side of myself, but none of it meant anything without her.
And that was what scared the shit out of me. That once I no longer needed the nursing assistance, she'd tell Father O'Toole to hire a real housekeeper so she could go back to Texas. She had no reason to stick around.
When I woke up the next morning, things weren't any better. In fact, because I'd fallen asleep on the couch, every inch of me was stiff and protesting. My dreams had been chaotic and disturbing, a weird mixture of memories from the accident, from my time overseas, and Nori trying to tell me that all I needed to do to feel better was go with her to an S&M club wearing leather pants and carrying a whip.
Like I said, disturbing.
It was a relief to have a message from Father O'Toole come through while I was changing my clothes. Breakfast with him out on the back patio sounded like a good way to keep my mind off of Nori.
He was already in the kitchen when I arrived downstairs.
“If I'd known she was going to make so much food, I would've paid her more,” he said as he emerged from behind the refrigerator door. He held a carton of milk in one hand and a bowl of fruit salad in another. “Is it as good as it looks?”
“It is.” I grabbed a couple bowls and a box of cereal. “She made pancakes yesterday.”
“Maybe I should stay for lunch,” he said with a grin. “Wouldn't want her hard work to go to waste.”
So much for getting my mind off Nori.
“How are things going between the two of you anyway?” Father O'Toole asked as he settled in one of the chairs.
If I hadn't known that the father wasn't one for passive-aggressive questions, I would've thought he was fishing around because Nori had called him. Instead, I knew he was just curious.
“Fine.” I kept my answer vague. Father O'Toole knew that I didn't believe the same things he did, and that I definitely didn't lead a celibate life, but I sure as hell didn't want to tell him about what Nori and I had been doing. Those details would likely give the poor man a heart attack.
“You look like you're feeling better.”
Tactful, yes. Tentative, no.
“I am,” I admitted. “Nori said my bandages would all be off within the next week or so, and PT is going well.” I narrowed my eyes at him. “And before you ask, yes, I have been doing my exercises even when Kipp isn't here.”
A pleased smile curved the priest's lips. “Excellent. I was right then, to bring her here.”
I raised an eyebrow as I reached across the table and snagged a grape from the bowl. “Careful, there, Father. Pride's a sin.” I popped the fruit into my mouth.
His eyes shone. “Do you know how long I've been praying to hear you make one of your smart-aleck comments?”
I looked away, feeling ashamed again. This time, however, it wasn't because of Nori, but rather the father. He'd saved my life, taken
care of me, been the only family I had left. I'd known these past few months hadn't been easy on him, but there was a difference between knowing it and facing it directly.
“Hey.” He reached across the table and put his hand over mine. “You've been through a lot, kid. Don't feel guilty for taking time to get your head together.”
“It's still not completely together,” I admitted and glanced at him. “But I'm not at that place anymore.”
I knew I didn't have to clarify. He knew exactly what I meant.
“Good.” He pulled his hand back and reached for the cereal. “Since Miss Prinz hasn't contacted me about leaving at the end of the week, I'm hoping that means she's planning to stay permanently.”
“I won't need a nurse much longer,” I said, trying to keep my voice flat. “I doubt she'll want to stay on just to do the housework and cook. She'll probably leave when I don't need her anymore.”
I'd always need her, I knew that now, but it wasn't in a way she'd want.
The priest's eyes narrowed, and I mentally cursed myself for forgetting how observant he was.
“You care about her.”
I considered lying, but I'd been trying so hard to figure out what to do, I couldn't pass up the opportunity to ask for advice. “I do.”
Father O'Toole grinned at me as he poured milk onto his bran flakes. “It's about time.”
I blinked. Okay, not the reaction I'd expected. “What?”
The father shook his head, giving me that amused expression that he reserved for when I was being particularly thick-headed. “I knew she wasn't simply getting through to you because she was kind. I know you, kid. You've been falling for her almost from moment one.”
How the hell had he figured it out before me? I stared at him.
“Why do you think she was the one I called?”
“But she's my nurse.” I wasn't sure why that was the first thing I thought of.
The priest's smile widened. “Not exactly. The ethics of the thing might be a bit...murky, but you're both consenting adults.” He winked at me. “You know I don't condone that sort of behavior, but if it gets you out of that state you were in, I'm all for it.”
“But she...” Shit. My peaceful breakfast with Father O'Toole was quickly turning into something way too complex for first thing in the morning. “I mean, it's not like she feels the same way.”
“How do you know?” Father O'Toole asked. “Have you talked to her?”
“Hell no!” I flushed. “Sorry.”
He sprinkled some blueberries onto his cereal and took another bite. “Why not?”
“Why not what?” I asked. My food sat in front of me, but I wasn't hungry anymore.
“Why haven't you talked to her? How else are you supposed to know what she's thinking?”
“You're seriously going to give me romantic advice?”
“I'm giving you advice that's applicable to all relationships, including the romantic kind,” he countered. “Assumptions don't do anyone any good. You need to talk to her, tell her that you care about her, and give her the opportunity to decide for herself what she wants.”
My chest tightened as I shook my head. “I can't do that. If she knows, she'll leave, and I'd rather have her here and not knowing, then knowing and back in Texas.”
“But what if she feels the same way?” The father's voice was gentle.
“She doesn't,” I said. “She can't.”
“Why?” he asked. “Does she already have someone in her life?”
“No,” I admitted reluctantly. “They broke up.”
“So then there's nothing to keep you from finding out.”
“She won’t want me, Father,” I said, trying to keep the bitterness from my voice. “Look at her and then look at me. She deserves someone she can be proud to stand beside. Not a monster.”
“Xavier Hammond.”
Shit. The full name. That was never good.
Father O'Toole's voice was sharp as he continued, “You are no monster. I will not have you talking about yourself like that.”
I brushed the words aside. Nothing I could say or do would convince him otherwise, so there was no point in arguing. “It doesn't matter,” I said. “Because I look like this, and this isn't a fairy tale.”
There was silence for a moment before the father spoke again. This time, his words were quiet, but they hit me hard nonetheless. “You're doing that girl a grave disservice, thinking that she's so shallow she'd reject you simply because you have some scars. Maybe you're right. Maybe she deserves someone who thinks better of her than you apparently do.”
His words echoed in my head long after our meal was done and he was gone.
Dammit.
I really hated when he was right.
Chapter Eleven
Nori
I'd tried not to feel rejected when X told me that we were finished for the night. We were doing this whole thing for him anyway. This wasn't a true Dom / Sub relationship. It wasn't a relationship at all. My wants and needs didn't matter.
But that wasn't what bothered me. I could control myself. After all, Tanner had spent hours teaching me all of the finer points of self-control. I'd learned how to hold back an orgasm until it was almost painful. How to keep myself quiet when all I wanted to do was moan and scream. I'd knelt until my knees ached, given head until my jaw cried out, all the while ignoring the pulse of desire between my legs.
It wasn't the denial of my desires that bothered me.
It was the fact that I shouldn't have been desiring them in the first place.
X wasn't mine to want. I knew that. I'd known that from the moment I'd first seen him. He'd become my patient then, and no matter how many times I wanted to justify my actions, I'd never actually quit taking care of him. What I felt for him wasn't right. I shouldn't feel it.
Except that was easier said than done. The one thing people could never actually control was emotion. We could control our actions, what we did with our emotions, but not how we felt.
Which meant I had no way to stop myself from wanting X. I could only control my actions.
So I spent all day Tuesday doing just that.
Controlling my actions.
After an awkward breakfast, I decided the best way to do that was to stay upstairs. I could hear X downstairs whenever I ventured into the hallway, though I had no clue why he was roaming around. It was good, I supposed, that he was moving around, doing things. I was pretty sure I'd even heard the back door open.
I should've been happy that he was getting better, doing more on his own. That was the whole reason I'd come out here, after all. To make sure he got better.
I just hadn't thought beyond that point. I had no idea what I would do once X didn't need me to dress his bandages. Since it seemed he wanted to move about now, I didn't think getting him to do his physical therapy on his own would be that difficult. Which meant there'd be no reason for me to stick around. Not unless I wanted to go from being a nurse to being a housekeeper and a cook.
Which I didn't. I'd gone into medicine because I wanted to help people. I wasn't entirely sure if I wanted to go back to nursing, but I knew I still wanted to help. If X didn't need my assistance anymore, then my job was done. That meant I should use the next couple weeks to figure out what I really wanted to do.
Except I couldn't think about anything except the way it felt when X had put his hand on my back, when it had slid around my side. If his kiss had thrown me, the incident with the yard stick had freaked me out. Not because it'd hurt or been too kinky. No, it freaked me out because of how much it turned me on.
By Wednesday night, I was thoroughly frustrated, both emotionally and sexually. While I couldn't do something about the first, I could about the second.
I stretched out on my bed and closed my eyes. I was wearing pajamas meant more for comfort than for seduction, but it was easy to imagine that I was in something sexy. A silk negligee, maybe something a deep blue or rich green. Something that would show off my
curves.
I ran my hands down my sides, and then over my stomach, up to my breasts. I cupped them, ran my thumbs over my nipples.
Even though I knew it wasn't a good idea, I let my imagination take over. If I couldn't have what I wanted, and I couldn't stop wanting it, I might as well get something good out of it.
It was no surprise that the fantasy hands I conjured up belonged to a person. They were attached to strong, tattooed arms. Broad shoulders, a muscled torso. Dark blond hair and azure eyes. A face that I would've recognized anywhere.
I reached up to touch his cheek, but he stopped me with a shake of his head.
Right. I needed permission to touch.
“Put your hands over your head.”
I obeyed.
Without taking his eyes off of me, he slowly stripped my clothes off. His fingertips brushed over my skin, leaving burning trails everywhere they touched. I wasn't entirely sure how he managed to get my clothes off while my hands were holding on to the headboard, but hey, it was my fantasy.
I slid my hands under my top and rolled my nipples between my fingers.
“Absolutely perfect,” he breathed as he lowered his head to my breasts.
I whimpered as he began to tease first one, and then the other, circling them with his tongue. When his mouth closed over them, I cried out. He sucked on one as his hand moved to the other. Pinpricks of pain went through me as he tugged and pulled on my nipple, twisting even as his teeth dug into my other one.
My nails bit into my flesh as I played with my nipples. I didn't like a lot of pain, but at the moment, I needed something to take me out of my head. Tanner could've done it better, but that wasn't an option anymore. I had to take care of myself.
His hand came down on my bare ass again, and I squirmed, torn between wanting to get away from the sting, and wanting to get more of it. He spanked me again.
“Such a pretty shade of pink,” he murmured. His fingers dipped between my legs and I gasped. “You're wet, sweetheart.”