If Kipp was able to sense the shift between us, he didn’t show it. Having him there had helped provide a natural buffer, but when he left, things had gone awkward almost immediately. I was relieved when X hadn't tried to stop me when I’d left, mumbling something about needing to clean the upstairs.
Now, it was nearly seven o'clock and I was starting to get nervous. Which was weird, because I hadn't been nervous about going out with Tanner since those first couple of dates as we'd shifted from friends to more. And even then, it was an entirely different sort of anxiety. I'd known then that I liked him, and I'd worried that he wouldn't feel the same way about me. This time, the shoe was on the other foot, and I didn't know what to do about that.
He'd already said how he felt, so there was no mystery there. He knew what he wanted to happen between us and where he wanted the relationship to go. I was the one who wasn't sure.
It took me nearly an hour to get ready, which wasn't typical of me at all. I was the sort of woman who picked out one outfit, put it on, went with minimal makeup, and I was good to go. I rarely changed into something else once my mind was made up, and the entire thing was always about what I felt like wearing. Even when Tanner and I first started dating, I hadn't dressed to impress him. I'd dressed to feel pretty and hoped he'd like it, but that was a totally different thing.
Now, as I stood in front of the full-length mirror, almost every piece of clothing I owned was piled onto my bed, and I still wasn't entirely satisfied with the way I looked. I told myself it was because I'd left most of my 'date' clothes back in Texas, knowing I’d go back for them if I decided to stay. I'd left them because I hadn't seen the point of bringing dresses I'd bought specifically for going out to fancy restaurants or clubs with Tanner – not to mention the sexier outfits I owned to mingle with other like-minded people at Black Masque – but now I was wishing I had something nicer than just a cute sundress.
Not that I didn't like the dress I was wearing now. It showed off my curves and the color made my eyes practically glow. With the right makeup, it didn't look too casual, but it was more the sort of thing I would've worn to a brunch or a day out, rather than dinner at what I assumed would be a nice restaurant.
As I brushed out my hair, I reminded myself that this wasn't an actual date. This was a dinner between friends. I had yet to decide if we'd go back to being anything else.
In fact, I suddenly thought, I'd even insist on paying for my half of the meal. That way it couldn't be construed as a date in any sense. I knew Tanner would argue with me about it, but I had a feeling he was trying very hard not to push while I figured things out, so I might be able to win in the end.
With that firmly set in my mind, I settled by the front window to watch for his rental car. I didn't want to go down early and risk running into X, but I also didn't want Tanner coming in and having to wait with X either. Instead, I waited until I saw the car pull up in front of the house, and then hurried downstairs. As I went past the second floor, I heard the muted sounds of the television and breathed a sigh of relief. That made things a lot easier.
Tanner was halfway up the walk when I came out, then stopped and waited for me to meet him.
“You look lovely,” Tanner said as he walked around the car to open the passenger side door. “I am allowed to say that, right?” He winked at me to show that he was, at least, half-kidding.
“Of course.” I gave him an easy smile back. “Compliments are always welcome.”
I slid into the passenger seat, grateful for the cool air keeping my legs and back from sticking to the leather seats. It wasn't as hot here as I was sure it was in Texas, but Philadelphia wasn't exactly Alaska when it came to summer heat.
“I'd never been to Philadelphia before today,” Tanner said as he closed his door. “New York, Chicago, DC, but not Philadelphia.”
“Are you thinking about branching out here?” I asked.
I didn't know a lot about Tanner's business, but that was because I had absolutely no head for business and Tanner didn't like talking about it. We'd decided early on in our relationship that we didn't want to be about business. He had money. I knew that, but I didn't care about it. Our relationship had never been about how much he had or how he got it. Sometimes I'd gone to parties or fundraisers with him, but that was about it. He knew that if he wanted to talk, I was there, and I knew he'd answer questions if I had them.
“That wasn't why I came,” he said with a glance toward me. “But if you decide you want to stay here...”
He left the sentence hanging, but I already knew what he would've said. If I wanted to stay here, but still wanted to be with him, he wouldn't make me choose. If I wanted to be with him, he would go wherever I wanted to be.
Well, at least that was one less thing I needed to worry about. Or, if I looked at it another way, it made my decision harder.
My head was starting to hurt.
First, I thought I needed to decide between staying in Philadelphia or going back to Texas. Then he'd shown up and said he wanted us to get back together. He was synonymous with Texas.
Or so I thought.
Now it wasn't about Texas and Tanner versus Philadelphia...and X. Tanner could be a part of my future, no matter where I wanted to go.
If I wanted him to be.
“Any place in particular you'd like to go?” Tanner asked. “A favorite restaurant?”
I gave him an incredulous look. “You think I've been doing nothing but cruising the city for the past two weeks?”
“You mean you and the soldier don't eat at the city's finest establishments?” The teasing tone was familiar and comfortable.
I rolled my eyes. “Yeah, Tanner, we go out every night.”
Tanner's expression sobered. “You've pretty much been stuck in that house since you got here, haven't you? I mean, I know you've never been one to go out a lot, but you have to be going stir crazy.”
I started to open my mouth to agree with him, but then it hit me. I actually hadn't thought much about getting out. I'd been so pre-occupied with taking care of X and making sure he was okay, that I barely noticed how long it'd been since I'd left the house.
I decided to change the subject. “So, we're just going to drive around the city until we find something that looks good?”
He shook his head. “You should know better than that. I always have a backup plan.”
Of course he did.
Several minutes later, we pulled into a parking space in front of a classy-looking restaurant I'd never heard of.
“A friend of mine recommended the place,” Tanner said as he opened my door. He held out a hand. “He said they have these meals that you order to share. It lets you try all sorts of new things.”
The inside was absolutely gorgeous. Lights everywhere, but still keeping a warm, close ambiance. I liked it, and even as I thought it, I wondered if X would like it too. I pushed the thought away. I was here with Tanner, and even if I hadn't been, it wasn't like X would ever come here with me. I'd been trying to help him accept himself, but I knew he was a long time away from being comfortable enough to go out in public, especially to a place like this. Maybe, in the winter, he'd be okay with going outside because he could cover his scars and not look out of place, but I was pretty sure he wouldn't be venturing out anytime soon.
Shit. I mentally cursed myself. I needed to stop thinking about X. Even if Tanner and I were only here as friends, it was rude to think about another man. Even if he was just a friend too.
The hostess led us to a table on the top floor and put us in a secluded corner. She gave me a polite smile, and then a warmer one to Tanner. Even though we were only here as friends, he didn't even look at her twice. Not that I expected anything different. He was always like that. Totally focused on me whenever we were together.
Once, during one of our first trips to Black Masque, he and I were walking through the crowd when a woman approached us. She was wearing a sheer dress with barely anything underneath. Well, that and an at
titude. For a Sub she'd been surprisingly aggressive. She'd wanted Tanner, and had made no apologies for it.
Actually, that wasn't exactly accurate. She apologized after Tanner made it clear that he wasn't interested in her, and that her behavior was out of line. She was absolutely gorgeous, and he could've behaved like some Doms did and used her attraction. Hell, some Doms would've taken her into a room with their Sub for a threesome, or, at least, part of a lesson.
Not Tanner. He wasn't like that.
We spent the next few minutes looking over the menu and discussing what we thought looked good. After placing our order, the waiter took our menus and left us to talk.
Conversation flowed easily enough between us, but I knew Tanner was purposefully steering the topics to the stuff he knew we could talk about without getting too personal. Or, at least, relationship-level personal.
The problem was, every question, every statement, made me think of X. Not because either of us said anything about him. We didn't even get close. But it all reminded me of him anyway.
Tanner was sweet and polite, never saying anything that pushed me at all. And that was the way he was. Even when he was dominating, he never had an edge.
X had an edge.
Even though we'd only been using the Dom / Sub roles as a way of addressing his issues, I could tell that he'd carry that edge into any future relationship. Trust would need to be earned on both sides, and I never doubted he'd stop if anyone ever needed to use their safe word, but he was the kind of man who made me glad that safe words existed. I was sure he'd always been fairly intimidating, but what happened to him had changed him, and even if he didn't lose himself completely, he'd still have a darkness that hadn't existed before.
I forced my attention back to Tanner. I was supposed to be having dinner with a friend. A friend who wanted us to date again. I needed to be thinking about that. My life was complicated enough without adding anything else in.
I managed to keep my mind on the conversation until our meals came. Then, as we ate and commented on the food and wine, I found my thoughts drifting again, thinking about the kind of place X would take me on a date. Or not take me.
I could actually see X being someone who'd try a different sort of date with a girl he wanted to impress. Like star gazing or ice skating. Not dinner in a fancy restaurant. Not that I wasn't enjoying the meal, but X would've done something to surprise me, challenge me.
“Dammit,” I muttered.
“Nori?”
I looked up to see Tanner watching me with a concerned expression on his face.
“Are you okay?”
I nodded. “Just need to use the restroom.” Before he could say anything else, I stood and hurried toward the stairs.
Once in the safety of the bathroom, I gave myself permission to close my eyes and focus on my breathing. I had to get ahold of myself. I had to stop thinking about X. I owed Tanner more than just a courtesy date. I told him that I needed time, and that meant I needed to give him the courtesy of giving him time as well.
I opened my eyes and looked at my reflection. I didn't look any different than I did the last time I looked in a mirror. I forced myself to meet my own gaze.
“Time, and a fair chance,” I said the words out loud.
I didn't only owe Tanner that. I owed myself that as well.
Chapter Four
Xavier
I didn't want to be there when she went on her little date, so I locked myself in my bedroom and turned on something loud and distracting.
I hadn't heard their whole conversation, but I'd gotten enough of the gist to be able to read the writing on the wall. He'd come to get her back. Before he left, he made arrangements to take her out to dinner, and he kissed her.
Okay, so the kiss had only been on the cheek, but for all I knew, he wasn't into PDA. Or maybe he just didn't feel the need to grab her and kiss her full on the mouth, claim her thoroughly and often.
If she was mine, that's what I would've done every single chance I had.
But she wasn't mine.
I kept reminding myself of that.
Again, and again, and again.
I didn't hear her go down the stairs or go out the door. But I'd known when he was supposed to pick her up, so I knew that by seven-thirty, it'd be safe to leave my room. I didn't go downstairs though. Instead, I went to the therapy room to try to work off some of what I was feeling in a constructive way.
Instead of finding alcohol and drinking myself into a stupor.
That was Plan B.
I taped up my hands, making sure I used plenty of gauze on my left, and then headed for the punching bag. I'd been using it more and more in my free time, trying to get myself back to the kind of shape I was in before the accident. I'd never been a fan of boxing as a sport, but I'd always preferred this sort of exercise to straight weight-training. One of the soldiers I'd known a couple years ago had wanted to be an MMA fighter, so he'd taught me a few things. Even before the accident, I hadn't been even close to as good as he was, but I still enjoyed it.
Hitting things was a good way to work out aggression and tension. At the moment, I had both.
I wanted to just go all out, beat on the punching bag until I could barely move, until every muscle in my body felt like jello. I wanted to completely lose myself in the physical act until I couldn't think anymore.
A part of me didn't want to listen to the common sense side of things, the side that told me it wasn't a good idea to do what I wanted to do, that I could possibly hurt myself. Even with skin grafts, my skin was thinner, easier to break.
On the heels of that thought came another.
If I was hurt again, Nori would have to stay to take care of me.
I felt guilty the instant I thought it. I'd never actually do it, no matter how appealing it'd be to have Nori stick around. It wouldn't be fair to her, or honest of me. Even if I wasn't to tell her how I felt about her, I owed her honesty with everything else. I couldn't do something that I knew would result in injuring myself just to try to make her stick around.
So I took it easy. I stretched the way my physical therapist taught me, then approached the bag, ready to start off slow. My right arm was still much stronger than my left, and I knew that was one thing I needed to work on. I'd worked hard with Kipp to even out my body so I didn't look lopsided. It was much better than it had been, but I could still tell the difference.
It was harder and hurt more to use the left, so that was what I did, of course. Not enough to do damage, but enough that I could feel it. Instead of multiple hits with my right and only a couple with my left, I worked on making the left and right even.
I focused on the rhythm and the burn in my muscles, losing myself in the count. Or, at least, trying to lose myself. Even as I tried to keep track of how many times I hit the bag, I couldn't stop myself from wondering about how the date was going.
Where he'd taken her. What they were talking about.
If he'd convinced her yet that she should move back to Texas so they could rekindle their romance.
Or maybe he hadn't needed to convince her of anything. Maybe she'd made her decision as soon as he said those magic words. I'd asked about her parents wanting her to move back, but I'd never factored Tanner into things.
Thump. Thump. Thump.
I drove my fist into the bag even harder.
He said he was going to pick her up, but I hadn't actually heard that they were going to dinner. Since it was seven, it could've been dinner, or something after dinner. An art gallery. Some fancy-ass party where everyone sipped champagne. A club where they could dance.
The image of Tanner and Nori dancing together now paraded across my mind. I'd never seen her dance, but she was graceful enough in her other movements that I could only imagine how she looked moving to music.
“Dammit,” I muttered.
I didn't want to think about them dancing, moving together, bodies pressed close...
I hit the bag harder than before and pa
in jolted up my knuckles and into my forearm.
“Glad to see the reason you're not answering your door is because you're up and about.”
Father O'Toole's voice came from the doorway, and I dropped my hands as I turned toward him. I could feel my shirt sticking to my chest and back. I could feel the drops of sweat starting to trickle down my skin, and I scrubbed my right forearm across my forehead.
“Hey.” I walked over to the cabinet and pulled out a bottle of water. Staying hydrated was different now than it used to be, but no less important.
“Is Nori upstairs?” he asked.
I shook my head, grateful for the mouthful of water that kept me from answering.
At least for a few seconds anyway, since the father had to ask for details.
“Did she go out shopping?”
“Her boyfriend showed up,” I said shortly. “They're out on a date.”
“Boyfriend?” Father O'Toole looked surprised as he walked farther into the room. “I hadn't realized she had one.”
I shrugged and used the need to take the tape off my hands to avoid looking him in the eye.
“They've been dating for four years,” I said.
When I glanced up, he looked confused. “Then why did she take the job? Unless he was planning on moving out here.”
I leaned back against the counter. “They broke up before she moved, but he showed up this morning and said he wanted them to get back together.”
“Then he's not her boyfriend.”
I caught a hint of a smile on his face. “She's with him right now, so I think it's pretty safe to say they're getting back together. She'll move back to Texas. I won’t need a nurse at all in a couple weeks. There's no reason for her to stay.”
There was a moment of silence before he said, “You didn't tell her.”
I glared at him. “What's that supposed to mean?”
“It means, you wouldn't be so certain that she was planned to leave if you'd told her how you felt.”
He rubbed his elbow and I wondered if his arthritis was acting up. He wasn't ancient, but he wasn't exactly young either. He needed to take it easy.