Ciao, DSF!
I know. Ciao is Italian, and we’ve been in the German-speaking part of Switzerland. But it’s the only foreign greeting I could think of at the moment and everyone says it over here. We’re on our way home already from Switzerland. Marti and Sierra are asleep and most of the other passengers are watching the in-flight movie. I had intended to check in with you much sooner on this journey. But you know how it goes. Especially with my aunt. It was a rather stressful, nonstop few days. The bright spot was Sierra. If she hadn’t been here, I don’t know how crazy I might be by now.
So you want to know if you and I are going to be living in Switzerland for a while, do you? Well, the answer is, I think so. I want to pray about it some more, but I’ve pretty much decided this would be a very good thing in my life.
It’s not as if I have to prove anything or take off and leave Todd simply because he took off and left me more than once for schooling and missions work. It’s that this is a rare opportunity. Sierra told me to put it in perspective, knowing that if I ended up with Todd, we’ll be together the rest of our lives. But I won’t be able to pick up my life and move to Switzerland just any time I want to. She said to picture myself as an old lady in a rocking chair after all my teeth have fallen out. That’s when I’ll be glad that when I was young and free I took advantage of this great opportunity.
So now we’re flying home and I have to find a way to tell Todd. Do you think it will be hard? Or will he be his nonchalant self and say, “Whatever you want.” That’s pretty much how he acted when I told him about this opportunity. He said “I’ll pray that you make the right decision.” Well, I hope he’s still praying and I hope this is really the right decision.
August 16
Hi there, DSF!
It’s all systems go for me to go to school in Switzerland. Todd said pretty much the same thing Sierra and everyone else has been saying, that opportunities like this don’t come along every day and I’ll be sorry if I don’t take advantage of the chance to go.
I found a verse I’d underlined a long time ago in my Bible and it gave me great peace and confidence that this was the way for me to go. It’s in Psalm 107:29-31.
“He stilled the storm to a whisper;
the waves of the sea were hushed.
They were glad when it grew calm,
and he guided them to their desired haven.
Let them give thanks to the Lord for his unfailing love.”
I know this decision hasn’t exactly been a “storm” but I have felt tossed back and forth during this past year or so as I’ve tried to decide about schooling and what I want to do with my life. Or should I say what God wants to do with my life. And then you throw Todd back into that “storm” after he was gone for so long and it’s been pretty unsettling.
I can’t exactly explain why, but this opportunity to go to school in Switzerland has turned into a calming decision. Like those verses, it’s as if God has settled all my storming about with one whisper and He is guiding me to my desired haven. Not that I ever desired Switzerland, exactly. But the seas appear calm as I now sail off in that direction.
Things are peaceful with Todd. He has a few things to tend to in his life, such as school and getting some money in the bank and deciding what he wants to do after college.
I’m not worried about our relationship dissolving like I used to worry in the past. We talked about it and Todd sees this as a season of planting for both of us. It’s hard work to prepare a field and get everything planted in neat rows, just right. But now is the time to do that in both of our lives and the planting can be done better if we’re in separate corners of the world. A season of reaping the harvest will come later.
August 23
Oh, brother, DSF!
Did I sound mature and spiritual in that last entry or what? I’m glad I wrote all those thoughts down and that they were so clear then, because they are definitely not clear now! I’m dying!
This is going to be hard!
In our conversations the past two days, Todd and I have both been hinting at whether or not this is the best way to go. But neither one of us have said, “Maybe Switzerland isn’t such a great idea after all.” That’s probably because we both know it’s the right direction for me, even if we both doubt how great it’s going to be for our relationship.
Katie is the one who took it the hardest. She and I have been best friends almost as long as Todd and I have, which is what? Five years now? Unbelievable. Of course, Katie and I have had our ups and downs, too. But for the most part whenever we’ve been able to do something together, we do it together. She wants to go to Rancho Corona, a private Christian college about an hour from here. I think it sounds like a great school and I think she should go. She’s not sure she wants to go until our junior year so that I can go with her.
We got in this huge discussion about Katie taking the initiative to go to Rancho Corona by herself and she blurted out that she was mad that I hadn’t talked through the Switzerland opportunity with her more thoroughly or sought her opinion about it. I didn’t because everything happened pretty fast. So I told her I was sorry and I asked for her opinion. She said, “I think you should go.”
I said, “What was that all about?” And she said, “I just wanted you to ask my opinion, as if it mattered to you. That’s all.”
So now I may be headed for my “desired haven” like those verses said, but believe me! The waters have not been all calm and hushed lately.
August 29
Oh, Dear Silent Friend,
It’s been another night of good-byes. I’m at Bob and Marti’s and tomorrow Uncle Bob will drive me to LAX and I’ll get on a plane all by myself and wing my way to Switzerland. I still can’t believe it’s happening. Katie and Todd organized a going away party tonight. Of course it was here, at Newport Beach, and of course we all gathered around the fire pit and sang for hours. It was so wonderful! I can’t begin to describe the torturous emotions I felt all night.
Doug and Tracy came. It was the first time I’d seen them since they got married and they both had these happy smiles on their faces the whole time. They were adorable.
Katie cried off and on all night and told me it was as hard on her as it had probably been for me when Todd left. I don’t feel the same intense sadness about leaving Katie. I actually thought tonight that this might be good for her, to have me gone for so long. She’s such a people person. She needs to meet new people and get involved in new groups. She wouldn’t do that if I was still around.
Todd cried a little, too, when we were saying good-bye out on the patio. Everyone else had gone. Todd and I sat close on the low cement brick wall that faces the beach. For a while we just held each other and cried. We kissed three times; one for the past, he said. Then one for the present. Then a long, tender kiss for the future.
I’m crying again. I’ll talk to you later, DSF. I can’t write about this right now.
September 25
Hello from Switzerland, DSF!
I’ve been here three weeks and I have to admit that every time I thought of writing about my experiences and feelings here on your pages, I ended up writing emails to everyone at home.
Uncle Bob was going to give me his old laptop before I came on this trip and I told him I didn’t need it. Boy was I wrong! I may ask him to send it to me after all, because it would sure help to not have to go to the library every time I want to work on homework or check my email.
I’ve written so many details to everyone else about the school and I know I’ll never forget this season of my life, so I don’t know exactly what to tell you.
I like it here. The program is intense. The classes are good. Every time I go to the orphanage, it rips my heart out. So many children. So much pain. You can read the suffering in their little faces. You would think in a modern world, there wouldn’t be so many a
bandoned children. It’s much harder to be around these children than I thought it would be. I’m learning a lot about myself and my ability to be compassionate.
October 18
It’s Autumn, DSF,
And it’s a beautiful autumn here! I have two friends that I hang out with here at school and they also happen to be my two roommates: Amelia and Sandra. They’re both from Germany but their English is perfect. They were friends before they came here so they’re actually being kind to let me join in with them.
Most of the students go to the bars on weekends. Amelia, Sandra, and I usually go for coffee or sometimes to the theater. The movies are in English and you pay a different price depending on where you sit in the theater. They always sell out on Friday and Saturday so you have to go buy your ticket early.
I’m beginning to feel settled in, pretty much.
Todd has been emailing me a lot. It’s really nice because he’s never written to me before. Except for that coconut from Hawai’i. But in his emails now he’s really opened up a couple of times about what has been happening and what he’s feeling and thinking. I love having this new way of getting to know him. But I miss him so much. SO much. I should be happy, shouldn’t I? Okay. I’ll be happy and content with what I have, which is a lot.
November 4
Happy “Langsam Samstag,” DSF!
That means “Long Saturday.” In Basel, once a month, they have Langsam Samstag and all the stores are open longer so everyone goes shopping. It’s kind of fun. Amelia and I went shopping for little necessities today. I stopped by a bakery that my aunt and Sierra and I had gone to last summer. I was told that every season the Swiss make different kinds of breads and cookies. I bought a fall wreath bread, and I just may eat the whole thing myself! It’s so good!
Amelia talked me into getting some hot moroni from the street vendors. Moroni are nuts. Chestnuts, I think. They roast them in a circular, metal pan that looks like a big wok. You can smell them from a block away and they smell so inviting! The vendors scoop the chestnuts into a cone-shaped bag and you’re supposed to walk and eat them while they’re still warm.
Well, I don’t know if I ever told you, but I hate nuts. I’ve always hated nuts. That doesn’t mean I haven’t tried nuts of all kinds on different occasions. I tried macadamia nuts in Maui on my frozen yogurt. They were pretty good.
So I tried the moroni and I didn’t like them. I gave them an honest try, but I could only swallow one of them. I don’t know why but I just don’t like nuts. Amelia ate all hers and the rest of mine.
November 11
Dear Silent Friend,
Can you keep a secret? Although, I guess it’s not really that big of a secret. Sandra has a boyfriend. They’re actually pretty serious about each other already. Amelia is sad, of course, because there isn’t any special guy in her life. Amelia and I have been doing nearly everything together.
It hasn’t been that great for me. Amelia and I have different interests. I’m just as content staying in my room and reading on weekends. Or going to the library and spending several hours getting caught up with my friends back home online or on video chat.
Amelia likes to go and do and see. She loves to shop. I’m certain she and I have been in every store within a 40-kilometer radius of our school. I have bought, wrapped, and mailed all my Christmas presents for home and I don’t have any desire to shop again for several weeks. But Amelia is already making plans for our next shopping excursion and I’m trying to decide how to tell her I don’t want to go.
November 19
Dearest Most Silent Friend,
Do you ever get tired of holding all these thoughts for me? I’m feeling very lonely today. I told Amelia I didn’t want to go shopping with her last week and she went with Jillian, a girl from Norway. Now Amelia and Jillian are inseparable and I’m alone. I thought that’s what I wanted. But it can be awfully depressing when the rest of the girls in the dorm are gone and I’m the only one left.
I’m still in my sweats. It’s cold today and I’m content to stay right here in my warm bed and visit with you. Although once I convince myself to get out of bed, I’m going to bundle up, go to my favorite bakery, buy something yummy, and go to the library to check my emails and see if there are any from Todd.
He doesn’t write as often as he used to when I first got here, but then I don’t either. He’s got 15 units this semester and is working 20 hours a week at a hardware store in Newport Beach. In his last email he said they’d had a big winter storm that kicked the waves up, so he was planning to go surfing early in the morning like he used to do in high school. It made me homesick. I wanted to go be with him and make some scrambled eggs. Sigh.
November 28
Gobble, gobble, DSF!
This afternoon the fourteen Americans who are at school here all got together and had a “mock” Thanksgiving dinner. I think we were all homesick and not as good of company for each other as we should have been! We had deli-sliced turkey, rolls, applesauce and green beans. It was kind of interesting to see some of the other students stop by our corner of the lounge and try to figure out what we were doing. We tried to explain Thanksgiving.
All I could think of were Thanksgivings in the past. When I was six, I got sick on the candied yams and went to bed in my grandparents’ puffy bed. When I was ten, we had so much snow that instead of driving the eight miles to my grandparents’ house, we stayed home and had clam chowder with cheese and crackers. The electricity went out at my grandparents so they couldn’t cook the turkey until the next day. We ate it on Sunday after church, but it was pretty dried out.
I told one of my friends about the Thanksgiving weekend when Katie talked me into going skiing. Remember that adventure?
I wonder where I’ll be next year at Thanksgiving. One thing I’ve learned is that God’s ways aren’t our ways and His thoughts aren’t our thoughts. I could guess now where I’ll be, but the future is really all a mystery. A faith walk. And in my opinion, an adventure worth taking.
December 7
Oh, man is it cold here, Dear S Friend!
The snow is beautiful! But it’s cold! I forgot what a winter with snow can be like. I had to buy some more socks yesterday and they’re a good pair. At least my feet were warm today.
The orphanage is warm enough, which is a good thing for all those children. The lecture hall at the school here is very drafty and some students even bring blankets to put around them while they listen and take notes! I haven’t robbed my bed yet but I’ve considered it! Amelia thinks I have “thin blood.” She says it in German with dramatic emphasis and it sounds really funny.
Sandra and her boyfriend are still together. I can’t pronounce his name correctly and I’m certain I couldn’t guess how to spell it. Amelia and Sandra have been good roomies. They are hardly ever here, which is okay with me because I’ve enjoyed having the room to myself and being able to study here in quiet. It’s a small room with one set of bunk beds and one bed against the opposite wall. I got the top bunk, which has been good because the heat rises!
The work study at the orphanage has been a great experience. It takes a lot out of me, but it’s been good. There was one little boy, Tejas, who was so shy when I first came. He’s been slowly opening up and now he smiles when I come into their play area. I know that’s a little thing, but it seems he’s come so far. I understand now why the school asked for a minimum of a six-month commitment. It would be too hard on the kids at the orphanage to have the workers change every few months. I’m pretty sure I’m going to stay through next summer. Although tonight, in this dark, chilly, quiet room, when I’m feeling so alone, next summer seems like a painfully-long time off.
December 12
MERRY CHRISTMAS, DSF!
Christmas is actually two weeks away still, but I wanted to check in with you before all the craziness begins. My aunt sent me an early C
hristmas present. She sent me a ticket to fly home for two weeks during Christmas vacation. I wasn’t expecting it at all. I’m excited to go home and at the same time, it feels like too much of a luxury.
You see, most of my friends here are going home but they’re just taking the train for a few hours and it’s not such an expense. I was invited to go to Holland with Julia, one of the girls in another dorm who I met a few weeks ago when she started helping out at the orphanage. I was looking forward to going home with Julia and experiencing Christmas in another culture. But now I feel obligated to go home.
Don’t get me wrong. I want to go home. I want to see everyone. It’s just that I made all my huge good-byes last September because I thought I wouldn’t see any of them for a year and now I’m going to show up after only three-and-a-half months, stay two weeks, and then fly back here. It’s going to be strange.
But I’ll see Todd. And I’m sure that will be wonderful. I’ve missed him in a deeper way than ever before. I think it’s because we’ve stayed well connected, whereas when we were apart from each other in the past, I had only silence. Well, silence and one coconut.
December 28
I’m home, DSF.
Do you recognize the familiar surroundings of this bedroom? Yes, it’s ours. Isn’t it strange being here? Katie has been over every day, Todd has been here five of the last seven days, and my mom keeps following me around, telling me all these little details of life that I’ve missed out on for the past few months.
I keep thinking of the kids back at the orphanage. Julia and I bought “sweets” for each of them as a Christmas gift. One little piece of candy per child is certainly not much, especially when I sit here with this mound of new gifts, including a brand new laptop from my uncle. I told him I was interested in borrowing his old one and instead he bought me a new one. Too much. I don’t need so much.