Sat on the second pew, Bee’s parents each placed am arm around her, unsure how she would react even though she was no longer a child but a young woman of eighteen. The fact was, she felt no different than any other mourner: it was sad, surreal and a little unsettling, everything one might expect. Via her friends, she had heard tales of upbeat ceremonies, where tracks of favourite and often deliberately inappropriate songs were played loudly, and slide shows and photographs and funny tales left mourners weeping or laughing or both. An undeniable celebration of the life now spent. This could not be a funeral of that nature, she knew, filled with that sort of joyfulness, for only an earnest and solemn occasion could truly commemorate the life of such an innately formal man.
At the sight of the raised coffin her chest suddenly felt as if there were something tightening around it, squeezing tighter still as the sensation moved up into her throat. When she noticed the tears of Marlene the dentist fall so hers came too. Tuan looked as he slowly walked by, allowing a slight nod of acknowledgment. He blinked and looked away, continuing on until it was time to carefully lower Giles onto the plinth and take a seat in the front pew alongside Felix, Nan and Char. Felix reached across and squeezed his hand.
Organist finished, the Minister stood up and began the service with a short passage from the bible, although Bee knew that for Tuan the words were too fanciful to be of any real comfort. After a hymn and a reading and another hymn, the choir stood and sang God So Loved the World while the congregation contemplated whatever it was that filled their heads at that moment. And then it was time for the first of the readings. Tuan stood up and took his place at the lectern and began:
‘I have been asking myself how many fathers one person should have to bury. And then I think how fortunate I have been.’
*
Giles was interred alongside his mother in the ancient family crypt and it was there Tuan was left to his own reflections, the glorious winter sun bathing the emptying churchyard in cool yellow light.
For Tuan, still with deep-seated beliefs where the rituals of death were concerned, it seemed almost unthinkable that Giles should want to be laid to rest inside a lump of stone. He looked to the sky where he hoped his blood father was, and not for the first time considered that Stars did not shine as brightly or in such great numbers here in England as in the skies above his homeland. Giles had once told him this was because of light pollution, but in his heart Tuan thought it had more to do with souls being locked away in tombs, whatever the Minister said to the contrary. He wondered doubtfully if a new Star had or would appear. When Giles had died, and before the reading of the will, Bee had spoken of new cemeteries where loved ones lay at rest beneath young trees purposefully planted above them. Tuan felt it missed the point. Why bury people in a special area at all? What was wrong with the garden, or the woods, or even a roundabout? Souls lived on in plants and soil and in the Stars above and the dead deserved to be amongst their kin, not sealed off in a special place where they might become lonely and restless. Innocently, Bee had tried to address this, not perceiving the rhetorical nature of his words. At first he tolerated her comments because he loved her and knew she was trying to help, but when she began to talk of sea burials he snarled viciously before stalking off, leaving her shaken and confused. They had since made up. He took time to explain the beliefs of his people, the example of a raping murderous husband subsequently executed by ritual drowning more than enough to make the point. But the matter of his snarling aggression had wedged between them.
As he stared at the tomb, a hand gently fell upon his shoulder. It was only when he placed his fingers over it and felt the distinctive rings did he realise it who it was. Then came the perfume, the unmistakable scent that had somehow passed him by. This seemed to be a day, he thought, when his senses had abandoned him.
‘Ready?’ Char asked.
‘Maybe.’ Tuan turned away from the tomb, a hard look on his face, ‘What will I do without him?’
‘What he would have wanted: for you to live your life. What else? Come on, Tiger, everybody has already headed off to the wake, Felix is waiting to give us a lift.’
‘I’m not sure I want to come.’
‘What? Don’t be so silly. It’s Giles’ favourite pub, I can’t believe you don’t want to come.’
‘I’ve never been there without him,’ Tuan looked at her sadly, ‘and I’m not sure I ever want to.’
‘It’s up to you. I can’t make you go, but it’s not just about you, is it? Plenty of people will want to tell you how sorry they are…’
‘Great. Now I really don’t want to go.’
‘You don’t have to, I’m just saying some people might be disappointed if you don’t, you know what I mean? They lost him too.’
At this Tuan looked doubtful.
‘You coming?’ Felix joined them, ‘Nan’s in the car already.’
‘He’s not sure he wants to.’
‘Well, it’s up to you, but I think you should. In my experience it’s far better to do these things, that way there are no regrets, and in this case it will give you a chance to talk about him, hear stories you haven’t heard before, that sort of thing. Come on, son, if you change your mind I’ll take you home.’
*
The pub was packed.
‘I had no idea he was so popular,’ Bee’s mum commented to Felix.
‘He wasn’t. These are mostly work colleagues making sure he is actually dead.’ The voice came from behind and they turned to see Lydia.
‘Lydia! How nice to see you again!’
Felix kissed her. He introduced Bee’s mother before looking round for his wife. ‘Nan. Nan. Come here and meet someone.’ he called out, pushing a little way through the crowd to reach his wife, bringing her back with him.
‘Nan meet Lydia, you know, from Pulau Tua, Lydia… this is my wife, Nan.’
The two smiled and shook hands. The three women then stood looking at Felix, who was clearly trying to think of something to say.
Eventually Nan spoke up. ‘So Lydia. You thought you would pay your last respects?’ she asked, politely.
‘Yes, Giles and I weren’t on very friendly terms in the end, as I am sure you know, but it felt like the right thing to do,’ her eyes briefly glanced at Felix, and she placed a hand on his arm, ‘Mark’s here too, somewhere. You remember Mark, Felix?’
‘Of course.’
Lydia addressed Nan, ‘Mark was on Pulau Tua with us, wasn’t he Felix.’
Nan suppressed a smirk.
Felix’s eyes narrowed, ‘Yes. He was another scientist on the trip. A young guy, I did tell you about him, Nan. He’s over there, talking to Bee and… whoa…’
‘Something wrong?’ asked Lydia.
‘Uh. I don’t know. Over there, with Bee. It’s Ian Boyce. I’d know that face anywhere.’
Bee’s mother stiffened, ‘Ah. Him. I’m afraid they have been seeing something of each other lately.’
‘No! Seeing each other?’ questioned Nan, forcefully, ‘isn’t he a little old for her?’
Bee’s mum nodded.
‘Why don’t you stop it?’ asked Lydia.
‘Ever tried stopping an eighteen year old girl from seeing her boyfriend?’
‘Man-friend,’ corrected Felix, ‘he must be a good ten or twelve years older than her, fifteen maybe. What does Paddy think? Does he know?’
‘He does. He’s not happy, as you can imagine. And he is convinced it’s been going on for much longer than they would have us believe.’
‘How long?’ asked Nan.
‘Since she was sixteen, at least.’
‘Well that’s a relief,’ gasped Nan, ‘I thought you meant much younger. At least it’s legal.’
‘Nan! That’s my daughter!’
‘Well be honest, kids these days don’t hang about when it comes to that sort of thing, do they? She’s been in touch with him since she was fourteen, on and off, hasn’t she?’
&n
bsp; ‘Yes, thank you, Nan, very reassuring indeed!’
‘I’m just saying.’
‘She wouldn’t be so silly,’ Felix said confidently, ‘And nor would he. Anyway, she’s had other boyfriends. From school.’
‘Since when did that mean anything?’ asked Lydia.
‘Quite,’ agreed Nan.
Lydia sipped her drink thoughtfully, ‘But what to do?’
‘The safest thing to do is just go along with it, and let it run it’s natural course,’ stated Nan, ‘that way she won’t stubbornly continue with it just to prove us all wrong.’
‘That’s what Paddy and I thought, but it’s easier said than done.’
‘Kids are such a worry,’ Lydia commented.
‘Do you have any?’ asked Nan.
‘Not yet. If I meet the right person and have some then great, if not, so be it.’
‘That’s very philosophical. So many women your age have either abandoned the idea and feel regretful, or are bitter because things didn’t work out. You seem very balanced.’
Felix shot Nan a fleeting look; grey eyes sharp. ‘Nan used to work at a fertility clinic.’
‘Oh? Interesting. Well, I have no idea if I can or cannot have children. But whatever happens, I hope never to feel bitter.’
‘Good.’ Nan smiled, ‘I am sorry, would you excuse me, there is someone I need to speak with. It’s been lovely to meet you, Lydia.’ She scurried away.
‘Your wife seems nice.’
‘Yes. I hope she didn’t offend you, about children and so on.’ Felix’s eyes followed Nan, heading off nowhere in particular, backwards glance delivering a cheeky grin.
‘Of course not.’
‘Would you like to meet Tuan? I’m sure he would like to see you. He remembers you, you know.’
‘Does he?’
‘Of course. Why wouldn’t he?’
‘That’s sweet,’ Lydia again touched Felix’s arm.
‘I’m sure he’d like to speak with you,’ added Bee’s mum.
‘Okay, that would be lovely, thank you. Gosh, it is so good to see you again, Felix…’
The pair wandered away alone. Bee’s mother pushed her way through to Bee, standing with a large glass of white wine in one hand and Boyce’s arm in the other. Bee smiled as she approached, but her mother suddenly veered off to an empty table outside. It was cold, crisp and bright, fast approaching the brief but perfect time of day to appreciate the winter sun. Long rays of light brought little heat, but the warmth that did find its way was sheer indulgence for all it touched. She sat for a while, thinking.
‘Penny for them?’
She turned, ‘Hello Tuan, love. How are you coping? It’s been a beautiful day, even if we’re all together for the wrong reasons. Did you see Lydia?’
‘I did, yes.’
‘And how was that?’
‘She asked about my studies, at college. The words “fashion design” nearly gave her a heart attack. I don’t think I was what she was expecting. I think she expected a mini Giles.’
‘Mini?’
A small smile crept onto Tuan’s face. ‘You know what I mean.’
‘But you’re okay? In the circumstances.’
‘I’m fine, thanks for asking. And thanks for coming, I know he wasn’t your favourite man.’
‘But he was yours. We came for you.’
‘Thank you. You’ve no idea how much I’ll miss him.’ Tuan sat beside her.
‘You still have him in many ways, his work, the house...’
‘I think Felix thinks I should move out, that I shouldn’t be in the house on my own. He gives me this funny look anytime home is mentioned.’
‘I know. We’re all worried about you living alone, but you’re old enough to choose and we can’t stop you from doing as you please.’
‘No one can.’
‘But that doesn’t mean we don’t care. We want the best for you, and always have. Why do you think Felix went to such trouble trying to get you out of Whitegate all those years ago, why do you think Pad and I agreed to let our only daughter spend time with a wild boy?’ she smiled.
‘Did he try? Really?’
‘You couldn’t imagine.’
‘Not so wild now, eh?’
‘Maybe. I’m glad he left you everything, Tuan, you deserve something back.’
‘Don’t.’
‘I didn’t mean it like that. I meant that you and he became a proper family, and it is only right that you are treated as his son.’
‘Do you believe in God?’
‘Of course, don’t you?’ She pushed a strand of fair hair back under her black felt hat.
‘Not in the way you do. But do you think Giles was a good enough man to ascend… I mean to be looked upon in a favourable way by… by God? His God?’
‘Yes. Yes I do. He loved you so much, Tuan, and you turned his life around. You say I never liked him and it’s true I found it hard to, but no one can deny that he felt guilty for taking you and tried his very best to make it right.’ She paused, ‘Here comes Bee.’
‘You two look cosy, in a chilly sort of way. How are you, Tuan? Must have been a tough day.’
‘It has. Why don’t you sit down?’
‘Thanks, I will, but only for a moment. It’s bloody freezing. Mum, Pappy sent this out for you,’ Bee gave her mother a steaming glass of mulled wine and sat opposite, ‘He thought you looked cold.’
‘Thanks love.’
‘So where’s your friend?’ Tuan asked Bee, coolly.
‘If by “friend” you mean Ian, he’s just coming.’
‘So he is.’ Tuan said, standing up, ‘I need to go now. Do you think Felix could take me home? I’ll call a cab if he’s had one too many or if he wants to stay on.’
‘I’m sure he’d want to take you. It’ll give him a chance to talk to you about the house again! I’ll go and find him.’ Bee’s mother got up and stamped her feet a few times, ‘I suppose it’s better to get the chat out of the way and set him straight about what you want.’
‘What’s this?’
‘Your mum will tell you.’
‘Do I smell or something, Tuan? Only, every time I am near you, you rush off,’ Bee asked, also rising to her feet.
He leaned in and murmured, ‘No Bee, it’s not that you smell. It’s that you’ve changed.’
‘Everything okay, you two?’
‘Fine, Mum.’
Boyce approached.
‘Here he is, Bee, your man, Ian Boyce,’ Tuan leaned in again, ‘It looks like the old fella has had one too many. Wouldn’t want him to fall and break a hip, now, would we?’
As if Tuan had said nothing, Bee asked, ‘How about I come over next week and we’ll do something. Okay? Like we used to.’
‘Sure. Why not. Don’t suppose you saw where Char went, did you?’
‘Jesus Tuan. She went home along time ago, probably because you have ignored her all day. You really don’t treat her properly, and she’s so lovely to you.’
‘Is she? I’m off now, anyway. Good bye.’
‘Bye then.’
Mutely, Tuan passed Boyce, black eyes looking down into his, unreadable.
*
At home, Char was waiting in the bedroom. ‘Up here,’ she called.
Tuan ambled slowly up the stairs, ‘I was wondering what had happened to you. Why didn’t you answer your phone?’
‘Out of charge.’
Char lay on her side with her naked rear angled towards the bedroom door, the familiar neat slit revealed through the thinnest of negligees.
Tuan smiled for the first time that day. ‘Wait there, exactly as you are. I’ll get us a drink. Two minutes.’
The house had not had Giles in it for sometime, at least not as a permanent resident, but as Tuan rattled around the large kitchen gathering glasses and wine he felt the emptiness of the place acutely. He was glad Char was there, but suddenly found himself sitting on the floor struggling with a mess of th
oughts. There had been so much between himself and Giles, extraordinary circumstances from which a level of affection grew that no one else could truly understand. He loved Giles and Giles loved him, why then did he feel like a fraud, feel so undeserving of such generosity? Giles had left him absolutely everything. Was the guilt because he intended to refuse further tests and so end the research Giles started? Was it because he had once, in those first terrifying weeks, hated Giles enough to kill him and now he was dead?
What did it all mean? Was it predestined? Why had Giles been the one to take him? Whatever anyone said, to leave him on the island could have meant death, and if not death, then a very lonely existence or life spent as a freak. Sometimes it felt as if no one wanted to hear about the Giles that he knew, the man who was insecure and regretful and in need of love, the man who secretly allowed his pomposity a day off every now and then. Other people seemed determined only to think badly of him, as if even acknowledging the most minor good point was somehow wrong.
He missed him, missed him so much it made him angry. The long months of illness, the talk of imminent release when he finally succumbed to the full power of the disease, all of it made Tuan angry. Giles made him angry. Giving in and dying made him furious. The creak of a stair broke his thoughts.
‘I told you to wait.’
‘I was worried about you, Tigs. You’ve been ages. Maybe this is not the right thing today.’
‘It’s fine. I haven’t been that long.’
‘Thirty minutes.’
‘Really? Sorry. I was thinking about Giles.’
‘We could do something different if you want, go for a walk or watch telly? I don’t mind. I just want… you know… for you to feel better.’ She shielded her herself with folded arms.
Tuan held out a hand and she stepped closer. Kneeling on the floor, he gently reached up and pushed her arms away from her breasts, the delicate fabric of her negligee opening as she moved. Pressing his mouth between her legs, he softly held her hands behind her back as his tongue moved slowly. He enjoyed hearing her pleasure. Standing now, he pulled her close and kissed her mouth and told her to go back upstairs.
‘Why upstairs…?’ pushing against him, she smiled and raised an eyebrow, as thin and as arched as the day they first met.
But the house seemed too full of Giles for them to be intimate anywhere other than Tuan’s own bedroom.