My husband had always turned to me when he was distressed. Whether because another spy had been found trying to infiltrate the new army he tried to recruit, or because of his adopted father’s failing heath, Branford found solace in my body. Sometimes his anger would lead him to take me forcefully, and his hard muscles and quick thrusts would have me crying out his name as his fury raced through me. Other times he would hold me close to him, slowly moving in and out as he held me and whispered softly how much he needed me.
What would become of that now? Would he seek Hadley in those times instead with the hope she would become with child more quickly?
The thought sickened me.
As the hour grew impossibly late, I could not contain myself any longer and went looking for him. Amarra jumped from her cushion by the fire and followed me as I went searching for Branford. I did not get far before someone else found me instead.
“My lady?” I heard the familiar step combined with the thump of a crutch and turned to find Dunstan approaching.
“Hello, Dunstan,” I replied. “It is very late.”
“I was going to say the same to you,” Dunstan replied. “It is too late for you to be out on your own. Sir Branford would not be pleased to see you about at such an hour.”
“It is Sir Branford I am trying to find,” I said.
“I thought you might,” Dunstan said. His eyes were full of worry.
“You have seen him,” I stated.
“Yes, my lady.”
“Where is he?”
“He was in the garden some time ago,” Dunstan said, “but he left when I…when I tried to help.”
“Was he hurt?”
Dunstan shook his head.
“Not in any way that could be mended with bandages, my lady,” Dunstan said. “He was more ill, I would say.”
“Ill?” I repeated. Sunniva’s talk of Wynton and the sicknesses of the people there came to mind. “In what way was he ill, and where is he now?”
Our loyal servant’s face became pained, but he did not respond immediately.
“Dunstan, please, just say what you mean.”
“I found him in the garden,” Dunstan said again, “on his knees and quite literally sick, my lady. Whatever meal he had eaten last was most certainly wasted.”
“He is no longer there?”
“No, my lady. He went outside the walls. I believe he was heading in the direction of the stables or maybe the kennel.”
“Thank you, Dunstan,” I said.
“Lady Alexandra,” Dunstan said with an insistent tone, “please, at least allow me to escort you. I could not in good conscience let you wander alone. If you must move quickly, I can find another.”
His gaze moved to the slot in the wall where guards were ever present.
“You may accompany me, Dunstan,” I said with a sigh. I could not deny it—he was quite correct. Branford would be angry if I walked outside alone even with Amarra at my side. Already this month three agents of Hadebrand had been discovered within the castle walls.
Surrounded by the chill night air, we walked through the empty marketplace and across the field toward the stables. I pulled my wool cloak around me for warmth as I looked inside the wooden building, but no one was there save the horses. Next we went to the kennels, and as soon as I peered inside, I made out Branford’s form on the ground near the back.
“You are no longer needed Dunstan,” I said. “Thank you.”
He bowed slightly in acknowledgement but stayed at my side as he eyed Branford with caution. I took a step toward my husband, who sat with his back against the raised platform where the dogs found their resting places at night. In the dim light from the torch on the wall, I could make out both Argo and Helo near him. Branford’s knees were bent, and his arms rested across his legs as his hands dangled between them.
“You may go now, Dunstan,” I said quietly and with a bit more conviction.
The former soldier nodded and turned back around to the path. With my heart pounding in trepidation, I walked slowly to where my husband sat, gathered my skirts around me, and sat down next to him.
“Branford?” I said softly. He did not startle, so he must have heard my approach even though he did not move.
“You should not be here,” he said. His voice was strained and gravelly as though he had been shouting for a long time. “Go back to our rooms.”
“Why are you here?” I asked, ignoring his command. He was silent for a moment but finally raised his eyes to me. They were red and swollen.
“I thought this a fitting place to sleep,” Branford finally said as he made a sweeping gesture toward the dogs and their sleeping platforms covered in straw. He took a deep breath as he reached up to stroke the head of one of the dogs.
“Did you…” I halted my words, steeled myself, and tried again. “Have you been with—”
“Do not say it,” he commanded, “lest you wish to tend to my illnesses.”
My mind went blank, forcing me not to consider what I knew had occurred. I wanted to know both everything and nothing at all. Had he taken his time and been kind to her? Had he hurt her at all?
Was she already carrying his child?
“Is she…alone?” I asked.
“Samantha tends to her,” Branford said quietly.
I could only nod. It was a relief, for I was not sure if I could tend to her myself. As much as I knew it to be necessary, and as much as I did not harbor a grudge toward either my husband or my friend for what they had to do for Silverhelm, I could not help the feeling of dread that washed over me.
Would he want me now, too?
Would he not want me now?
Which was the lesser of the two evils?
I looked at Branford sitting on the ground with a piece of straw in his hands. He slowly pulled it apart with his long fingers.
“You are sulking,” I said. I tried to keep my tone light though I wasn’t completely successful. “Will you do this every time you must…must…”
“Please do not speak of it,” he whispered quickly. He dropped his head into his hands. “I cannot…I cannot even think of…of what I’ve done…”
His voice hitched in his throat, but when I reached out to comfort him, he withdrew from me.
“How can you still bear to be in my presence?” he asked. He looked at me, and his pained expression hit me in the chest.
“You are still my husband,” I said, reminding him as I tried to keep my tears from reappearing. I moved closer beside him in the straw. “That has not changed.”
“I failed you,” he whispered. “I kept this possibility from you…did not prepare you for what could come. It is the same as how I failed to prepare for war, denying myself thoughts of a possible loss and what it would mean. I was blinded by my arrogance.”
“You have not failed me, Branford.” I leaned my head against his shoulder, and he did not pull away. “You have done what you must do for your people.”
“What if I fail them again as I failed them in war?” he asked though I did not believe he expected an answer from me. “What if Hadley does not…”
“Shh.” I hushed him as I moved closer. “Let us cope with one difficulty at a time, shall we? I do not honestly believe I can handle more than the present one right now.”
He finally looked directly at me and reached out his arms. I moved my arms around his neck as his encircled my body. His head rested against my shoulder, and he took several slow, steady breaths before speaking again.
“You will be far better as a queen than I will ever be as a king.”
I placed my fingers under his chin as he had often done to me in the first months of our union. I tilted his head up and moved mine to one side as I spoke.
“You will be a fine king, my Branford,” I told him. “The people of Silverhelm love you and look to you as their prince.”
“They love my choice of wife,” Branford said with a snort, “not me. I have only caused them war and pain. You are the one
they cherish.”
“You have often told me we are one and the same,” I reminded him. “Of one flesh, we are. Will you take back those words?”
He tilted his head sideways, and his eyes closed partway. His chest rose and fell with his breath before he turned his gaze back to me.
“Never,” he whispered. “You complete me.”
“Our people love you,” I said again. “You have made your mistakes, and you have tried to rectify those as much as you can. Someday, you will set it all right again.”
“But in the meantime, I am at the mercy of that bastard in the next kingdom.” Branford pushed at the ground with both hands until he stood. He took several steps away from me, toward the opposite wall from where he sat. He placed his palms against the wood slats in the kennel and leaned heavily on them.
“There are days I wish I had died in that war.”
“Branford, no—”
“Many days,” he said, interrupting. “When I look at the families of the men who died in my war or see Dunstan trying to hold his head up as he limps around the castle, I wish I could take it all back. I wish I could somehow trade my life to erase all the damage I have done to my people. There are only two things that keep me bound to this earth—my duty to my kingdom and you.”
“I already betrayed my kingdom because of my lust for vengeance,” he said quietly. He did not move from his position facing the wall. “I thought…I thought at the very least, I would never betray you.”
He turned slowly toward me, his green eyes blazing in the torchlight.
“And now I have.” His voice cracked. “And if she does not become with child this month, I will have to do it over and over again until she does.”
My stomach clenched, and I felt that I, too, might be sick. He was right, of course, and I knew this, but to hear him speak the words aloud was almost more than I could take. I stood, wanting to scream and deny what he said, but I knew I could not. It was something that simply had to be done.
I stood and took a step toward him. When he did not flinch, I went to him and threw myself into his arms. I pressed my face against the soft material of his shirt and inhaled the scent of him. The closeness had come to represent security and safety, and still I felt the warmth of his skin enveloping me and calming me.
Branford ducked his head, and I could hear his deep breath as he buried his face in my hair. He stroked from the top of my head to my waist again and again.
“This will kill me,” he whispered against my skin. “I wanted to…to pretend I had done it…but then she would never have a child. By summer I would be pushed again to denounce you and marry Whitney.”
“You must have an heir,” I said. “I cannot give you one.”
“You still may,” he insisted.
I shook my head.
Branford wrapped his arms around my shoulders and brought my body as close to his as possible. His lips touched my jaw, and he moved as if to trail kisses along my face, but he only moved up close to my ear, where his whispered words were just barely audible.
“I need more time, my wife,” Branford said as his lips brushed my ear. “The situation here is far more dire than I have allowed you to know. I have some…possibilities, but we are too weak, our forces still far inferior to Hadebrand’s. I have to move very slowly, or those who are watching will understand what I am doing. There are far too many here now who side with Edgar, and six months is not enough. I need more time—a year, at least. For now…trust no one, Alexandra. No one!”
He pulled back and looked into my eyes as his fingers traced my cheekbone, brushing the stray tears from my skin. Again as if he were to kiss me, he leaned over to my other ear and whispered low to me.
“There is a word, Alexandra…a word known only to Sterlings. It is our family’s secret word. If the word is said, you know the person with you is trusted. Nod if you understand.”
I swallowed hard as the tension in my shoulders increased. I nodded once.
“Twilight,” he whispered to me. “Did you hear me clearly?”
“Yes,” I said as I turned my head to him.
“Do not repeat it,” he instructed as he pulled away from my ear. There was still so much pain in his eyes, and I was more confused than I had been before. His thumbs caressed my cheekbones as he looked into my eyes.
I wrapped my arms more fully around him and pressed my cheek into his chest. He wrapped his hands around my shoulders and held me against him.
“I wish our lives were our own,” he told me. “It would be…so very different. I fear when I become king, it will be worse, not better. Unless…”
My husband’s eyes closed, and he shook his head slowly.
“Still, I cannot bring myself to wish I had never brought you here,” he said as he looked at me. He moved in and tentatively touched his lips to mine. “It is horribly selfish of me, I know, but you are the only good thing in my life.”
“Branford, your family…”
“Yes, yes,” he said, but his tone was dismissive. “But it is not the same. I love them, of course. I care for them. But you…I never wanted to do anything to…to hurt you…and now…now…”
I could not deny the look in his eyes, for I knew I felt the same way. His emotions flared, and he moved quickly from love to determination to fear and anguish. Branford dropped to his knees in front of me, reaching out his arms to wrap around my waist.
“Please,” he begged of me, “take these thoughts from me. Make them disappear.”
I wrapped my arms around his shoulders, and he collapsed into me. With his head against my breast and his arms wrapped so tightly around me I could barely breathe, I held him. We stayed like that, wrapped together in the straw, throughout the night. Though I held him tightly, I could not stop the tears from falling. I cried for Hadley, for my husband, and for myself. Lying on the floor of the kennel in the middle of the winter night, I cried for Silverhelm and for the child we seemed destined to never have with each other.
*****
I woke, still on the ground in the kennel with the morning sun shining through the windows and my cold muscles aching. Looking around me, I immediately saw Michael near the entrance, holding Branford’s helmet in his hands, rubbing vigorously at the scuffs and marks until it shined.
Branford was nowhere to be seen.
I gathered my stiff legs underneath my body and stood. I glanced at Michael, who had stopped his polishing and was watching me.
“Good morning, Lady Alexandra,” he said.
“Good morning, Michael.” I felt myself blush as I realized what a state I must be in. “Where is Sir Branford?”
“On the practice field, Lady Alexandra,” he stated. “I was to stay here with you until you awoke and then escort you back to the castle.”
“I will go to see him first,” I informed the page. “Then you may take me back.”
Michael hesitated, and he had my sympathy. Though it was not his decision to make, I was going against his instructions from Branford, and he would hear of it later. Normally I would not put him in a position to feel Branford’s wrath, but I was not going back until I knew my husband was all right.
I headed out the door without another word and heard Michael stand to follow me. It did not take long to find my husband, for the clamoring of sword on sword could be heard across the field. He was there with a half-dozen of his men, offering instruction and practice. Though I was sure he must have seen me, he did not come over to the fence as he usually did to greet me. After determining he was not going to do so, and he was obviously all right for the moment, I turned to head back to the castle with Michael following.
I returned to our rooms to find breakfast there, but I did not feel much like eating. The meal was eventually taken away untouched. I washed and changed into a clean dress with Janet’s help, then dismissed her immediately. I sat near the fire with Amarra at my side, stroking her soft fur as I watched the logs burn down and tried to keep my mind from straying to any unsavory thou
ghts.
Sometime near midday, I heard a knock at our door.
“Queen Sunniva asked me to bring these to you,” Hadley said softly. She handed me some sewing I had left in the Women’s Room some time ago.
“Come inside, Hadley,” I said with a wry grin. “I am quite sure our queen just wants to make sure we speak with each other today. She believes she is stealthy in her dealings, but I have learned her methods.”
I laughed slightly, but there was no joy in the sound. Hadley only smiled, and I gestured for her to sit on the couch in the morning room. My morning tea was still steeped in the pot, so I heated it to share with her. Once we were settled with our cups, I looked at her face.
Her cheeks were splotchy red and her eyes swollen.
“Hadley?” I reached out and touched her arm. She looked at me and took a deep breath before speaking.
“I am all right, my lady,” she said quietly.
“None of that in here,” I told her for the tenth time.
“I’m sorry, Alexandra.” She smiled a tight-lipped smile.
“Are you truly well?” I asked.
She nodded as she stared at her teacup. I huffed through my nose, immediately feeling anger in my breast that my only childhood friend was now apparently unable to speak with me. Is this Edgar’s objective, his real motive? To harm us from the inside?
“Hadley, please,” I said. “I know this is…most strange, but we are still the same two people, are we not?”
“We are,” she said.
“My position has not changed, correct?”
“Correct.”
“However, yours has,” I said, refusing to let the tension in the room continue without being named. “You are now a part of my family in a very different way than either of us ever expected. It is…awkward, but we will not let it come between us.”
Hadley looked up at me with trepidation.
“We will not,” I repeated.
“Of course not, Alexandra,” she said. She took another breath, squared her shoulders, and turned to me more fully. “You are right, of course. This changes nothing between us.”