I said Bye Dad. I love you.
He said Run!
I heard something inside the Garage. A screaming sound. And I thought Its him! Its him!
And I ran away from the fire and I kept running and I heard a noise like a bang and then a noise like a sucking noise like the Garage was trying to breathe and I turned and saw fire come out of the door in a circle.
I kept running past the Tech. The bikes locked to the fence looked weird in the dark. They looked like lots of big glasses all looking at me. And when I got to the main road I stopped running and I looked to see Dads Ghost but he wasnt anywhere. He was in the Garage watching Uncle Alan die in the flames and then Dads Ghost was going to Rest In Peace for ever.
I walked down the main road and there was no one because it was freezing and I went past the tennis courts and through the park so no cars saw me and I saw the smoke. It was black clouds going up to rub out the stars.
I thought Oh no what if the fire doesnt stop? What if it is like Rome in the year 64 AD which kept on burning? Or the Great Fire of London in the year 1666 AD? What if I have started the Great Fire of Newark? Or the Great Fire of England and the whole of the country burns and everyone has to live on the island in the water in Rufford Park where me and Mum and Dad went when I was little.
I saw Les Miserable on Bridge Street and he was walking with a woman and when he saw me he stopped holding the womans hands and he saw me looking at him and he made clouds out of his mouth and said All right Phil lad?
I said Yes.
I kept walking and then I heard a fire engine go neenarneenar and I ran to the Pub and went in the back way and went upstairs and I heard Mums feet go out of the Pub to the hall and Mums voice go upstairs Philip? Philip? Philip?
I said Yes.
Mum climbed the stairs and she said Where the HELL have you been?
I said Out. I went out.
The flames crackled him like pork and he screamed and screamed and it was too late.
Mum said What do you mean out? Out where?
I said Just out.
The hoses sprayed water all over and it rained on the Garage but the fire and the smoke didnt stop until Uncle Alan was a ghost and Dad could tell him what happened.
I had killed Uncle Alan and I wanted to see Dads Ghost because Dads Ghost was the only person who knew I had killed him. But Dads Ghost was gone and out of the Terrors and in Heaven or in Nothing.
I lay on my bed and I waited for the phone to ring or for Mum to get worried but Mum wasnt getting worried and I thought of Les Miserable and the woman I saw and what if they told the police they saw me. I was thinking about Uncle Alan and all the worry was like electric inside my body and all my veins were metal wires that were CONDUCTING the electric.
I had killed him and crackled him and now his life was inside me. I had taken it and one body is not made for two lives and it was too much electric in my wires so I couldnt stay lying down. I went into the hallway and said Mum in a shout.
I said Mum Mum.
And she came out of the bar to the bottom of the stairs and she said Sssh.
I said Why?
She said Youll wake Alan.
I said What?
She said Youll wake Alan.
I said What?
She said Youll wake Alan.
I walked downstairs and I said Uncle Alans in the Garage. Hes in the Garage.
Mum said He came home this afternoon with a headache. Hes been in the Land of Nod ever since.
Mum said Are you all right Philip? You look like youve seen a
I ran up the stairs faster than her question and I went into Mum and Dads bedroom and he was there on the bed lying down with his big stomach like a hill and snoring like a pig not crackled like one.
I thought he might be a ghost and Mum didnt know he was a ghost. But he wasnt see through and ghosts dont sleep or bend the bed and I thought Oh no.
I remembered the sound in the Garage. The screaming sound. It came back in my ears Aaaaaaaa and my face went hot like I was still in front of the fire and I thought Oh no. Oh no. Oh no. Oh no.
I looked round the room at the city of pots and tubs and tans and the mirror and Uncle Alan inside the mirror still in the Land of Nod. I wanted Dads Ghost but he wasnt there and I went out of the room and downstairs and into the Pub and all the faces were laughing. Big Vic and Carla and Mum. They looked like Devils. Big Vic said I swear down its the fucking truth.
They all laughed again and then Carla saw me and said All right Philip love?
And Mum turned and said You didnt wake Alan up did you?
And Big Vic looked at me like I was a Big Money question on the Millionaire Machine that he couldnt work out and that was when the phone went ring ring.
But it was the Pub phone and that phone goes more like a sheep Baa baa Baa baa.
Mum went out into the hallway still laughing and she picked it up and said Hello?
I watched her face as her laugh got ill and died.
There was nothing in the world just Mums voice and Mums words.
Yes.
Yes?
What kind of accident?
No.
Oh God.
No.
Are you sure?
At the?
No.
Was anyone?
No hes here now. Hes upstairs.
I cant believe it.
Yes of course.
What right now?
Here at the Pub?
Just Alan or both of us?
Yes.
Yes I will.
Yes.
Bye.
Bye.
The questions had jaws like crocodiles doing big yawns and snapping in my head.
Who was the Scream? Who was it? Was it Sleepy Eye Terry? Was it the Other Man who smashed the Pub? Was it a customer? Was it in my mind? It was in my mind yes it was in my mind yes yes it was in my mind.
But then Mum was off the phone and then there was the answer and it gobbled me up in one bite.
Mr Fairview is dead
The Voices Out of the Wall
The policeman with his plate face looked at the rings on Mums Wedding finger and asked her And where was your son at this time?
And Mum looked at me and Uncle Alan looked at Mum.
Mum said He was here. He came back from school at four. He was upstairs in his room. While Alan was asleep.
The policeman wrote this down and he didnt know it was a lie and Uncle Alan didnt know it was a lie but it was a lie and I looked at Mum and she looked at me like she knew what Id done.
I said Can I go to bed?
Mum said Yes.
The policeman with the empty plate face just looked at me and I went upstairs and into my room and Dads Ghost wasnt there.
And I just waited and I heard the police go and I heard Mum and Uncle Alan go upstairs and I heard them talking about Mr Fairview in the next room.
Uncle Alan said What the Hell was he doing there? Hes never at the Garage.
Mum said Come on. Try not to think about that.
Uncle Alan said It makes no sense.
Mum said These things never do.
Uncle Alan said What the Hell was he doing there?
Mum said God knows.
Uncle Alan said It makes no sense.
I put the duvet over my head and the voices went away but other things started so I put my head over the duvet and heard Mum say Your whisky.
Uncle Alan said Thanks.
Mum said Do you think it was our son?
I sat up in bed like when I have the insect dream and my heart was beating like mad beatbeatbeat and then Uncle Alan said Arson?
Mum said Yes so my heart started to slow down.
Uncle Alan said Who knows? Who the Hell knows?
Mum said You dont think
Uncle Alan said What?
Mum said You dont think he did it on purpose?
Uncle Alan said Done himself in?
There was quiet and then the
re was Uncle Alan saying No I cant see why hed do that. Hes got two kids. And hes in the God Squad. Hes hardly going to miss his chance of Heaven. And hardly the way to go is it. I mean if you were choosing.
Mum said But he lost his wife didnt he?
Uncle Alan said A few years back that was.
Mum said I still cant believe it.
Uncle Alan said Mind you hes been acting a bit weird lately. Asking for the books. I bet he was having a snoop about the place.
Mum said Those poor kids.
Uncle Alan said Itll be a lot you know.
Mum said What will?
Uncle Alan said The pay out.
They started talking quieter after that.
I couldnt hear the words just the voices that got mixed up with the noises of the trains and the lorries and the wind and the barking dogs and all the noises the town makes to keep bad people awake all night.
This Bastard Town
I was outside and running out of the car park and away from town. I ran past the level crossing and past all the Saturday Ra Ras going into the Waitrose car park.
I passed the sign that said
You are now leaving historic Newark-on-Trent
but someone had done a line of paint over historic Newark-on-Trent and put THIS BASTARD TOWN above it.
I kept going until there were no houses just the fields that are bright yellow in summer but are brown in December and the pavement got thinner and thinner until it wasnt a pavement and I kept running on the side of the road and I had pains in my side but I kept going and the cars were going faster now and beeping beeep! but I didnt care about the cars I didnt care.
After a bit I had to walk because the pain was like a knife and my tongue was stinging but it was a fast walk with bits of running slow as well. It felt weird walking on the main road out of town like I was getting less real on every step away like I might turn into nothing.
I kept going and looking behind until the church was small and I was at the Sugar Factory and the Sugar Factory was halfway to Kelham.
Beep!
Beeep!
Beeeep!
The Sugar Factory has a weird smell. It is not like sugar and it gets in your mouth and makes you feel sick.
After a bit the pylons started and I looked at them and they were giant robots ruling the land and stopping humans get too tall with their weapons which were deadly wires swooping in the sky.
Twenty minutes later I got to the bridge past all the trees and it was the first time I had seen it since Dad died apart from on East Midlands Today.
The road was quieter now and there was a thin pavement again and the sky was still light but it was starting to get dark and I looked at the bridge from across the road.
Dads car crashed right through the middle bit. You could see where they had mended the bridge because the new bricks looked too new and the old bricks looked too old and the cement in between all the new bricks was too white.
There were grey stones on the very top of the bricks but the new grey stones were lighter grey because time makes everything go darker.
I looked on the road to see if I could see any black skid marks but there wasnt anything just the bits of the road that had been made more shiny by car tyres and they were all going in straight lines. They were not going into the bridge because only one car crashed into the bridge and that was Dads car.
A motorbike went past and it roared like a lion and when it went past it meowed like a cat and after it had gone I crossed over the road.
When I got there I bent down and I touched the old bricks and then I touched the new bricks and they felt different. I thought of Dad in the car on his own and I rubbed the new bricks like they were a cut you could make better.
The crash happened in my head. The tyres made a scream and the bricks crashed and Dads face was all scared and I didnt know if the brakes were working or if they had broken but I didnt care because he wasnt going to come back and speak to me or go in the snow with me.
Even if his ghost came back it wasnt the same and I didnt want his ghost any more. I wanted him. I wanted everything to be normal the way it was. I didnt know why things couldnt stay the same way for ever and if they couldnt stay the same why did you have to have the things in the first place? Why cant you just be a tree or a brick and not know anything?
I used to think Dad was the best Dad in the world but I dont know if he was. He screamed sometimes and he put me under the stairs in the dark cupboard when he was mad with me when I broke the window.
Dads are just men who have babies but I know he loved me because I felt it go out of me when he crashed. It was like air or blood or bones or something that made me me and it wasnt there any more and I had only half of it now and I didnt know if that was enough.
And I thought about Mr Fairview and I wondered if Leah and Dane felt it go out of them and it didnt matter that it was an accident just like it didnt matter if Dads crash was an accident because it still happened and its what happens that matters not why.
At the bottom of the bridge wall there were weeds under the old bricks but not under the new ones. The new bricks didnt have any holes and no room for weeds. But one day the weeds will find a way into the new bricks because weeds can grow anywhere Dad told me.
And I touched the bricks one more time and I started walking home.
Spitting to the Grass
I got back into town on London Road and I heard a voice and it was someone shouting Oi Philster. I turned and it was Ross and Gary and they were sitting on a bench near the big grass triangle and they were in massive Nike trainers and they said Come here like they couldnt move. Like the trainers were big heavy weights that stuck them to the ground.
I went over even though I didnt want to. I didnt want to do anything ever again because things go wrong when you do things. But they had the remote control for me and I said What?
Ross said How far can you spit?
I said Dont know.
Gary said Could you get the grass from here?
I said Dont know.
Ross said Try.
Gary said But youve got to sit down on the bench.
Ross said Yeah try from the bench.
I sat down on the bench and I was still on remote control and I saw all the spit circles on the path. Some were still white and foamy and some were dark and nearly dry. Ross did a spit and it nearly got the grass and Gary did one and it got even closer and then they looked at me. I tried to spit but I was thinking about Leah and I got nowhere near where their spit landed. They laughed but then stopped quickly and Gary said It was well mad about the fire.
I said Yeah.
Ross said It must be cool to set things on fire. I mean big things like a Garage.
He looked at me for a long time.
I said I suppose.
Gary said in a light heavy voice Did you do it Philster? Was it you?
I said No too quick and then tried to laugh but it came out weird like the laugh had been smashed with a hammer and all the pieces were put back together wrong and then I said Course not. Course I didnt.
Ross said We wont grass you up or owt.
Gary said I mean it was just cool thats all.
I was thinking of Leah again and I said I didnt I didnt I didnt do it.
Ross said Chill. Its all right. We was only asking.
Gary said Yeah only asking chav.
I said Yeah I know.
Ross said You like our trainers?
I didnt care about their trainers but I said Yeah.
Gary said Air Hercules.
Ross said We got them as a present.
Gary hit Rosss arm when he said that like it was a secret.
I said Oh.
And then they started spitting again trying to reach the grass but I didnt try this time. I just sat there watching the spit circles bubble out and then I got up and said See you later.
They said See you Philster.
See you mate.
But it didnt sound ri
ght this time like the word mate was an insect that went in my ears and stayed in my head.
When I got back to the Pub I went past the bins and there were bags by the bins and two said JD Sport and I saw through the bags and there were boxes with the Nike sign on them.
I checked to see if anyone was watching and there was no one only ghosts I couldnt see so I got the box out and I looked inside and I saw the sticker and it said Nike Air Hercules and there was a piece of blue paper in the bag and it said Nike Air Hercules x 2 and it had Uncle Alans writing on it and I knew hed bought them to get Ross and Gary to spy on me. And I heard Gary again in my head Did you do it Philster? Was it you?
I knew from then that there was no one in the whole world who is who you think they are. You cant trust anyone. Not the dead or the living. They all lie all the time and hide things you cant see but you can smell it if you know how and when you do it is stronger than a Stink Bomb. I went inside and I went to my room and closed my eyes and I had a feeling like another bad thing was going to happen.
Ghost Words
Dads Ghost came in the night and his excuses fell into my head one by one.
It was a mistake Philip it was a mistake
I was flickering out
It was hard to see
I couldnt see properly Philip
He looked like Uncle Alan son
He looked like Uncle Alan
Do you think I wanted this to happen?
Do you think thats what I wanted?
I wanted it to be Uncle Alan
It had to be Uncle Alan
If you had acted sooner
If you hadnt waited
Why didnt you?
Why didnt you do something before?
Youve been a slow coach Philip
A slow coach
Im sorry son but you have
No
Im sorry I didnt mean
Philip I shouldnt have said
Philip I
Philip
Philip son
Phil
Ph
And I said Go away. Just go away.
Dead and Gone Dead
and Gone