I climbed onto the bridge wall and the wind got angry and Dads Ghost said No.
I could see two fishermen miles away in the distance and I shouted HELP! HELP!
But they couldnt hear me.
I looked down at Leahs white splash and I looked at the weir.
I was meant to not go into the water. That is what I was meant to do. Just do nothing. And Leah would die and I wouldnt die so I could stay alive and kill Uncle Alan like Dads Ghost said.
That is what the stars said and everything said but I had a strange feeling like when you are dreaming and first you are watching your dream and you have no control of your dream but then when you are still sleeping you think I AM DREAMING and as soon as you think that you start to change the dream the way you want to like you can turn the insects on your plate into raisins again.
And when I was standing on the wall on the bridge I thought life is not like a film or a Christmas play or a TV with only one channel. There are more channels. You can change the story and turn over or do something different it is up to you.
And Dads Ghost was saying Philip no! Dont jump! Philip! Dont jump!
And my body was saying Philip no! Dont jump! Philip! Dont jump! But there is a different voice that is louder than the voice of ghosts and the voice of bodies and that voice was the voice I heard when I put my foot onto the air and fell into the water.
In the River
When I fell it was weird.
It was like my body was moving faster than me and I was still on the bridge looking at the water. My body kept falling through all the universe and then hit the water and I was back inside of my body.
I went down into the black water down down and it was burning cold and it was pulling me to the weir and I kicked my legs and it was not like in the swimming pool in pyjamas because the water was strong like it was angry with me.
Then I thought of Leah and that made me stronger and I got into air and I saw the back of her head all wet and shiny like a football going closer to the weir. I started swimming but the cold was freezing my arms and hurting them and slowing them but I kept seeing Leahs head go under the water and that is what kept me going.
LEAH!
LEAH!
She turned round in the water and she didnt look scared. She didnt look anything. I thought she might be dead already but she wasnt and the water kept on trying to get in my mouth and up my nose and pull me down but I kept on swimming closer to Leah and closer to the weir and the water and I kicked my shoes off in the water because they were heavy.
She was near where the black water meets the white water and as soon as she got into the white water she was going to go under it so I had to grab her.
I got hold of her and I said KICK YOUR LEGS but it was really kick your legs because of the weir noise.
LEAH LEAH KICK YOUR LEGS
And then I tried to shout Help! to the fishermen but they couldnt hear and that was when we got to the white water that was going to make us die.
In the White Water
Her eyes know what she has done now and water jumps into her mouth and turns into a cough and I lose her and she goes under and I cant see her but my arm goes after her and gets her and I pull her up and she is back in the world and she gasps the air in and I am holding her arm her wrist and we are trying to swim away from the white and the noise but I cant even do one press up and I am not Spiderman and the water is pulling all of nature is pulling and we go backwards into the foam and the water punches us all over and we go down fast on our backs down the weir like nothing like bits of wood and I cant see and I cant hear and the water pulls Leahs coat from the other side like a tug of war and the water wins.
And the water is everywhere it is in my eyes and in my nose and in my ears and in my mouth and I am caught under the waterfall and it is raining air and I look for Leah but I cant see her and a fish touches my face and flies off and I am swimming like a frog upside down with the water still pushing me and I can feel the river bed I can feel its slime sticking to me and hugging me and wanting me to stay there but there is air in me so I float up off the slime and twist and swim in the blackness and keep swimming up keep swimming but the world is miles away and I am losing air in pebbles out of my mouth cant breathe cant breathe and the river is squeezing the air out like toothpaste squeezing hard Where is Leah? Where is she? it is at my throat the panic and I need to breathe in I am not a fish no gills my body is a machine a breathing air machine in and out and in and out and it needs to breathe in now it needs to breathe in something something on my shoulder something a hand pulling up I cant wait I cant wait my body cant breathe in breathe in now breathe
newark trout
come and say hello to mr fairview
with your arms and legs off the floor you can feel
like you are flying
after years spent in warm sunshine
under normal circumstances
straight out of the trent
we would have no choice but to take philip out of
the unknown world
to go deep underground and work in the dark
in the name of god
in the name of
in the name of god
Lying on the Mud
Philip?
Philip lad.
Philip can you hear me?
Philip.
Philip?
Philip lad open your eyes.
Philip try and open your eyes.
Philip?
Philip?
My eyes hatch open and he is there the voice is there.
He is blocking out the sky. It is Uncle Alan and he is looking very worried and he says Philip can you hear me? If you can hear me say Yes. If you can hear me son say Yes.
I say Yes.
He stands up seven miles tall and he moves away and I turn my head which is as heavy as the world and I follow his back and I see Leah on the ground on the mud lying down dead with a man doing Save a Life on her mouth and then on her heart with his hands and Uncle Alan is talking to the man pointing to the water.
Uncle Alan screams IVE GOT TO GET HIM.
And the man I can see his face now his half closed eye it is Sleepy Eye Terry and he is still pushing on Leahs heart and he says WHO?
THERES SOMEONE ELSE IN THE WATER.
Terry looks at the water THERES NO ONE.
THERE.
THERES NO ONE.
IVE GOT TO GET HIM.
THERES NO ONE FUCKING THERE.
My fuzzy eyes follow Uncle Alans back to the river and he is in and swimming front crawl and trying to stay in a straight line but the weir is pushing him left and Terry is crushing Leahs bones screaming ALAN! ALAN! ALAAAAN!!!
I try and see where Uncle Alan is swimming and there is no one in the water except when I close my eyes and that is when I see the back of a mans head.
It is Dads head I think and he is splashing like in the swimming pool in Rhodes and Uncle Alan keeps on getting closer but Dad or Dads Ghost or the man who looks like Dad keeps getting more far away and when I open my eyes again there is only Alan swimming to nowhere.
ALAAAAN!!!!
I try and move my head but it is still too heavy.
I am all too heavy. I dont even feel like I have a body it is like I am the river bank and the mud and I have been the mud for 2000 million years and I can see everything I can see Terry and Leah on the river bank and Terry who is St Johns Ambulance pinching her nose and blowing in her mouth and he stops blowing and listens to her mouth and looks at Alan sinking under.
ALAAAAAN!!!!!
Leah wakes up from the dead and does a cough.
Terry says Girl girl youre all right youre all right.
St John holds up her head and the river comes out of her mouth and down her chin and he places her head down on the mud and turns her on her side facing me her eyes still sleeping.
He stands up and he runs to the edge and he unzips his tracksuit top and throws it off and he dives in and follows the whit
eness Uncle Alan made in the water.
I try and lift my head. I try and get up. I am too tired. I am dead tired.
I see Leah with mud on one side of her face still looking dead and I think I am dead too.
We are the dead who arent buried properly on the banks of the river and we will stay here because the ferryman wont take us to the Underworld.
And then I see them.
They are standing there like the Furies. It is Ray Goodwin and the Victorian and Mr Fairview and all the Dead Fathers. They are all looking at me apart from Mr Fairview who is looking at Leah. And then Ray Goodwin in his check shirt and glasses looks at me with the Terrors in his face and he says The dead never rest Philip and his voice makes me sink into the mud and into sleep.
The People Who Come and Sit on the Chair
The first is Mum who is holding her lips hard together like the whole world is trying to get out of her mouth.
I try and speak to her and tell her I am all right really and that I am just out of my body for a bit but she cannot hear me.
And then there is Leah in a dressing gown and hospital clothes and she calls me Stupid in a croak voice for jumping in after her and I am glad that she doesnt know the truth and then there is Mrs Fell who stays for ages and then there is Emperor Nero and his bleeding neck and he is playing his lyre and singing weird songs and then the chair is empty.
There is no one there and the hospital is dark and the Night Nurse walks by and the sound of her shoes on the floor goes all over the universe and I feel not in my body I am in everything and everyone is in everything they just dont know they are but they are because there are different levels of life.
There is the top level that is the level you see all the time and that is the level of all the lies and all the talking.
There is the second level that is the level of quietness and looks with eyes that are true and the tears that squeeze out of hugs and that is the level of love.
There is the third level that is the bits of your brain that scare you when shadows climb up the wall and when you stare at your face in the mirror until it isnt your face and that is the level of nightmares.
There is the fourth level that is the bits of you that you only see when you have to see them like when you are standing on a bridge and choosing to jump and that is the level of animals.
And then there is the bottom level that is the closest level to being dead and these are the parts of you that are not inside your body or your brain. These are the bits of you that are in everything. Like in the clouds and in the mud and you can move through all the world and all the universe when your body is still on a bed in a hospital and this is the level that doesnt have a name because words dont go that far down. They try but they cant reach but when you get higher you can hear the words falling down like a rope and you try and grab them and climb up through the levels.
Philip?
Philip?
Philip?
Philip?
Philip?
Philip can you hear me?
Philip?
Philip?
Philip?
Philip sweetheart can you hear me?
Philip?
Philip?
Philip?
Philip?
Philip darling?
Philip?
Philip?
Its me darling.
Philip?
Philip?
The First Time I Wake Up
Sleep clings on my eyes like wet clothes trying to sink me down into the darkness.
She is holding my hand and she says Philip.
She says Philip can you hear me?
She says Philip sweetheart can you hear me?
I shout a Yes but it comes out like a whisper.
She says Philip youre all right. Youre in hospital but youre all right.
She smiles and the smile lets tears out of her eyes and they run down her face like it is a race to her chin.
She says I love you and she squeezes my hand and strokes it.
I say Leah.
She says What sweetheart?
I say Is Leah OK?
She says Yes. Yes she is. She left the hospital two hours ago. Shes fine. She left with her brother. She said shes going to New Zealand.
I say Uncle Alan.
She says What?
I say Is he OK?
She nods and she says Try and go back to sleep darling. The doctors say youll need to sleep.
I say Is he?
She says Try and sleep.
Philip?
Philip say something.
Philip?
Philip are you there?
Philip?
Philip please.
Philip talk to me.
Philip?
Philip I know you can hear me.
Philip?
Philip?
Philip?
The Second Time I Woke Up
Two nurses walked by and I looked at them walking free and I thought it must be weird being a nurse feeling lucky all the time to walk free and be well and not in pain. But then you might get sad because you know where life ends up.
Mum rubbed my hand and said The doctors say you can go home tomorrow.
I looked at the empty chair next to her and I said Wheres Uncle Alan?
Mum said Hes still here. Hes in a different part of the hospital.
She sucked her lips into her mouth and closed her eyes and this made me worry and I said Is he dead?
She said No really quick like if the word Dead was left in the air it would make it happen.
She said The doctors say he is doing well. He just hasnt woken up yet thats all.
I said It was two days ago.
She said I know Philip. I know. But its going to be all right. Hes going to be all right.
I didnt think anything was ever going to be all right but I said I know. Hell be all right.
Then Mum went in her Morrisons carrier bag that had the little oranges in and she got out the Newark Advertiser and said Theyve found them.
I said What?
She said Look and she gave me the paper.
I looked at the front page and the big writing said PUB GANG CAUGHT. There were pictures of three men Id never seen before and I started to read the story and it said
PUB LANDLORDS throughout the Newark and Sherwood area will be able to sleep much more soundly tonight as the three men responsible for criminal damage and robbery at various local pubs have finally been arrested. The men were caught by a police rapid-response unit while breaking into the Turk’s Head pub in Balderton, and have confessed to similar break-ins at the Robin Hood in Collingham, and the Castle and Falcon in Newark.
I looked at the pictures again and it was not Uncle Alan and it was not Sleepy Eye Terry.
And then after Mum went and left the small oranges I thought about other things like the fish tank and Sleepy Eye Terry letting go of my neck and all the things Dads Ghost had said all flashing in my head and I thought What is right and what is wrong? I tried to think of all the things I knew definitely and there were only six things I knew definitely and they were
Dad died on the bridge near Kelham
Three men came and smashed the Pub
My fish melted
Mr Fairview died in the fire at the Garage
Uncle Alan saved my life
Me and Uncle Alan and Sleepy Eye Terry saved Leahs life
And I thought about the melting fish. I thought it might not have been Uncle Alan. It might have been an accident. Mum might have knocked it when she was dusting and I blamed him like Emperor Nero blamed the Christians and the Romans blamed Nero and I looked round at all the ill people in the beds.
I thought about Ross and Gary and the trainers and Uncle Alan might have bought them for another reason I didnt know.
Mrs Fell came and saw me when Mum was visiting Uncle Alan.
She tilted her head more sideways than ever and said So how are you FEELING now Philip?
I
said Im all right. But when I swallow I can still taste the river in my mouth.
Mrs Fell said Ew.
There was a big bit of no talking and I heard a plane going over the hospital and in my head I saw Leah and Dane on the plane and it was going to New Zealand to their aunts house by the sea.
Mrs Fell said Your uncles a very brave man isnt he Philip?
I smiled a Yes but couldnt say one.
She said Hes quite a hero. Just like his nephew.
I said I dont know.
She looked at me for a Long Time and read my face like it was a sad story.
I thought I could ask her anything now and she would tell me so I said Do you still think about your dad?
Her face went like cold water had landed on it and she said Of course I do Philip. I think about him every single day.
She laughed air out of her nose but in a sad way and she said Every time I go through the school gates.
I said Why?
She took a big breath and made her boobs go big and she said He always wanted me to be a Teacher Philip. I wanted to be an actress but he didnt like that idea very much.
I said Did you try and do acting?
She said I went to Drama School. But I left when I was 19.
I said Why?
She smiled but her face looked more sad and she said Thats when he died. I was in my First Year and I got a phone call from Mum telling me hed had a heart attack.
My head went all weird. I thought she was going to say Ray Goodwin was stabbed by a miner or shot by a gangster but shed said heart attack.
I said What?
She said He had a heart attack Philip. Hed had a lot of problems. And I felt bad. I felt guilty for making him worry about me. So I left Drama School and ended up learning how to be a Teacher. My mum said I should stay and do Drama but she was very ill herself so I went back home and looked after her and went to a Teachers Training College near Ollerton.