"The Duchess has sent you to find the Blue Caterpillar?" questionedUncle Wiggily, wondering if he had heard rightly. "But who is theDuchess?"
"Oh, she's some relation to the Queen of Hearts," Alice answered. "She'sin the book with me, the Duchess is. In the book-picture she always hasa lot of trimming on her big hat, and she doesn't care whether or notshe holds the baby upside down."
"Oh, yes, now I remember," Uncle Wiggily said, laughing as he thought ofthe baby. "And now about the Blue Caterpillar?"
"Oh, he's a sort of long, fuzzy bug, who sits on a toadstool smoking apipe," explained Alice. "The Duchess wants him to come and smoke somehams for her."
"Smoke hams!" cried the bunny rabbit. "Why the very idonical idea! I'veheard of men smoking tobacco--but hams--"
"Oh, you don't smoke hams in a pipe," said Alice with a laugh. "Theytake a ham before it is cooked, and hang it up in a cloud of smoke, orblow smoke on it, or do something to it with smoke, so it will dry andkeep longer."
"What do they want to keep it for?" asked Uncle Wiggily. "I thought hamwas to eat, with eggs."
"Oh, dear!" laughed Alice. "I wish you wouldn't ask me so manyquestions. You're like the Dormouse, or the Cheshire Cheese Cat or theHatter. They were always asking the curiousestest questions like 'Whothrew stones at the cherry tree?' or 'How did the soft egg get insidethe hard shell without cracking it?' All things like that. I can'tanswer them!"
"Very well," said Uncle Wiggily, smiling at Alice. "I'll not ask you anymore questions. Come on! We'll go find the Blue Caterpillar."
So off they started, the bunny rabbit gentleman and Wonderland Alice whohad a day's vacation from the book with her name on it. Now and then shecould slip out of the book covers and go off to have a real adventurewith Uncle Wiggily.
The bunny uncle and the little girl with the pretty, flaxen hair had notgone very far over the fields and through the woods before, all of asudden, as they were walking under some trees, something long andtwisty and rubbery, like a big fire hose, reached out and grabbed them.
"Oh, my!" cried Alice, trying to get loose, which she could not do. "Abig snake has us!"
"No," said Uncle Wiggily, looking around as best he could, for he, too,was held fast as was Alice. "This isn't a snake."
"What is it?" asked Alice.
"It's a bad circus elephant," said the bunny, "and he has caught us inhis trunk. Oh, dear! Please let us go!" he begged the big animal.
"No," sadly answered the circus elephant, for it was indeed he. "I can'tlet you go, for if I do they will all sit on my back and bite me."
"Who will?" asked Uncle Wiggily, curious like.
"The mosquitoes," was the answer. "You see they have tried in so manyways to catch you, and haven't done it, Uncle Wiggily, that they finallycame to me. About a million billion of them swarmed around me, and theysaid they'd bite me until I had the shiv-ivers if I did not help themcatch you. So I had to promise that I would, though I did not want to,for I like you, Uncle Wiggily.
"If I hadn't promised, though, the mosquitoes would have bitten me, andthough I seem to have a very thick skin I am very tender, not to sayticklish, when it comes to mosquito bites. So I hid here to catch you,and I'll have to hold you until the mosquitoes come to get you. I'm verysorry!" and the elephant wound his rubbery nose of a trunk still moretightly around Uncle Wiggily and Alice.
"Oh, dear!" said Alice. "What shall we do?"
"I don't know, I'm sure," answered the bunny. "This is quite too bad. Ifonly the Blue Caterpillar--"
"Hush!" exclaimed a fuzzy voice down in the grass near the elephant'sleft front foot. "Don't say a word. I'll help you," and along camecrawling a big Blue Caterpillar, with a folded toadstool umbrella and along-stemmed pipe on his back.
"That elephant is very ticklish," said the Blue Caterpillar. "Watch memake him squirm. And when he squirms he'll have to uncurl his trunk toscratch himself, and when he does that--"
"We'll get away!" whispered Uncle Wiggily.
"Exactly!" said the Blue Caterpillar. So he crawled up the elephant'sleg, and tickled the big animal on its ear.
"Oh, dear!" cried the elephant. "How itchy I am!" and he uncurled histrunk to scratch himself, and then Uncle Wiggily and Alice could runaway safely, and the mosquitoes didn't get them after all. Then Alicetold the Blue Caterpillar about the Duchess wanting the hams smoked andthe crawling creature said he'd attend to it, and puff smoke on themfrom his pipe.
So everything came out all right, I'm glad to say, and if the starchdoesn't all come out of the collar so it has to lie down instead ofstanding up straight at the moving picture show, I'll tell you nextabout Uncle Wiggily and the Hatter.
CHAPTER VII
UNCLE WIGGILY AND THE HATTER
"Oh, Uncle Wiggily!" called Nurse Jane Fuzzy Wuzzy, the muskrat ladyhousekeeper, as Mr. Longears, the rabbit gentleman, started to hop outof his hollow stump bungalow one morning. "Oh, Uncle Wiggily!"
"Well, what is it?" asked the bunny with a polite bow. "Do you wantanything from the store?"
"Some carrot coffee, if you please," answered the muskrat lady. "Whenyou finish your walk, and have had a nice adventure, bring home somecoffee."
"I'll do it," promised Uncle Wiggily, and then, as he hopped along, overthe fields and through the woods, he thought perhaps he had better buythe carrot coffee first.
"For," said he to himself, "I might have such a funny adventure that I'dforget all about what Nurse Jane told me."
Now you just wait and see what happens, if you please.
It did not take the bunny long to get the coffee; the monkey doodlegentleman who kept the store wrapping it up for him in a paper that hadbeen twisted around a lollypop candy.
"It's a bit sticky and sweet," said the monkey doodle store keeper,speaking of the lollypop paper, "but that will stop the coffee fromfalling out."
"Fine!" laughed Uncle Wiggily, and then he hopped on to look for anadventure. He had not gone very far before when, all of a sudden, heheard a voice saying:
"Well, I don't know what to do about it, that's all! I never saw suchtrouble! The idea of wanting me to get ready for it this time of day!"
"Ha! Trouble!" thought Uncle Wiggily. "This is where I come in. What isit you can't get ready for this time of day, and who are you?" asked thebunny, for he saw no one.
"Oh, it's you, is it?" called a voice, and out from under a mulberrybush stepped a little man, with such a large hat that it covered himfrom head to foot.
"Oh, excuse me," said Uncle Wiggily. "You are--"
"The Hatter! Exactly! You have guessed it," said the little man, openinga window which was cut in the side of his hat. The window was justopposite his face, which was inside, so he could look out at the bunnygentleman.
"I'm the Hatter, from 'Alice in Wonderland,'" went on the little man.The bunny hadn't quite really guessed it, though he might if he had hadtime.
"And what is the trouble?" asked Uncle Wiggily.
"Oh, I've just been ordered by the Queen of Hearts to get up a tea partyright away for Alice, who is expected any minute," went on the Hatter."And here it is 10 o'clock in the morning, and the tea's at 5, and Ihaven't even started."
"You have lots of time," said Uncle Wiggily. "Hours and hours."
"Yes, but I haven't the tea!" cried the Hatter. "Don't mind me, but I'mas mad--as mad as--as lollypops, and there's nothing madder than them!"he said, sort of grinding his teeth. This grinding made Uncle Wiggilythink of the coffee in his pocket. So, holding out the package, he said:
"I don't s'pose this would do, would it?"
"What?" asked the Hatter.
"It's coffee," went on the bunny, "but--"
"The very thing!" cried the Hatter, who was now smiling. "It will bejust the thing for the 5 o'clock tea. We'll have it right here--I'll setthe table," and opening two little doors lower down in his big hat, hestuck his arms through them and began brushing off a broad, flat stumpnear Uncle Wiggily.
"The stump will do for a table," said the
Hatter. "This is great, UncleWiggily! We'll have tea for Alice after all, and make things happen asthey do in the book. Don't mind me saying I was as mad as lollypops. Ihave to be mad--make believe, you know--or things won't come out right."
"I see," said Uncle Wiggily, remembering that it was quite stylish to be"as mad as a hatter," though he never before knew what it meant. "Butyou see, my dear sir," the rabbit went on, "I have only coffee to giveyou, and not tea."
"It doesn't matter," said the Hatter. "I'll boil it in a cocoanut shell,and it will do her very well," and with that he took out, from somewhereinside his hat, half a cocoanut shell. This he set on top of the stumpon a little three-legged stool, and built a fire under it.
"But you need water to make coffee--I mean tea," said Uncle Wiggily.
"I have it!" cried the Hatter, and, picking up an umbrella plant growingnear by, he squeezed some water from it into the cocoanut shell kettle.
Uncle Wiggily poured some of the ground coffee into the cocoanut shellof umbrella water, which was now boiling, and then the bunny exclaimed:
"But we have no sugar!"
"We'll sweeten it with the paper that came off the lollypop," said theHatter, tearing off a bit of it and tossing it into the tea-coffee.
"What about milk?" asked Uncle Wiggily. "Alice may want cream in hercoffee--I mean tea."
"Here we are!" cried the Hatter.
With that he picked a leaf from a milkweed plant growing near the flatstump and from that he squeezed out some drops of milk into a cup hemade from a Jack-in-the-pulpit flower.
"Now we're all ready for 5 o'clock tea!" cried the Hatter, and just thenalong came Alice from Wonderland, with the March Hare, and they sat downto the stump table with Uncle Wiggily, who happened to have a piece ofcherry pie in his pocket, so they had a nice little lunch after all. Andthe carrot coffee with milkweed cream in it, tasted like catnip tea, soeverything came out all right.
And if the white shoes don't go down in the coal bin to play with thefire shovel and freeze their toes so they can't parade on the BoardWalk, I'll tell you next about Uncle Wiggily and the Duchess.
CHAPTER VIII
UNCLE WIGGILY AND THE DUCHESS
Uncle Wiggily Longears, the rabbit gentleman, was hopping along throughthe woods one day, looking for an adventure, when, all of a sudden, hecame to a door standing up between two trees. It was a regular door,with a knob, hinges and all, but the funny part of it was there didn'tseem to be a room on either side of it.
"This is remarkable!" exclaimed Wiggily, "remarkable" meaning the samething as queer. "It is very odd! Here is a door and the jamb--"
"Where's the jamb?" asked a little katydid, who was sitting on a leaf inthe sun. "I'm very fond of jam."
"I didn't say j-a-m--the kind you eat on bread," spoke Uncle Wiggily. "Iwas talking about the j-a-m-b--with a b--"
"Bees make honey," said the katydid, "and honey's almost as good as jam.I'm not so fussy as all that. Jam or honey--honey or jam, it's all thesame to me."
"No, there isn't any honey, either," said the bunny. "The jamb of thedoor is the wooden frame that goes around it, to hold it in place."
"Then I don't want any door jamb--I want bread and jam," said thekatydid, hopping off to find her sister, Katydidn't, leaving UncleWiggily to stare at the lone door.
"Well," said the rabbit gentleman to himself, "I may as well see what'son the other side. Though a door standing all by itself in the woods isthe strangest thing I've ever seen."
However, he turned the knob, opened the door and stepped through, and,to his surprise, he found himself in a big kitchen which seemedmagically to have appeared the moment he entered the very surprisingplace. At one end was a big stove, with a hot fire in it, and on thestove was a boiling kettle of soup, which was being stirred by a big fatcook lady, who was shaped like a ham, without the string in the end, ofcourse. For the cook could stand up and didn't need to be hung on anail as a ham is hung before it's cooked.
In front of the fire was another large lady with a bonnet on almost asbig as the Hatter's hat. Over the bonnet was a fluffy, flowing veil.
"Now please be quiet--do!" exclaimed the sitting down lady to somethingin her lap, and Uncle Wiggily saw that it was a baby. "Come, cook!" shecried. "Is that hot soup ready yet for the baby?"
"Not yet, mum. But it soon will be," answered the cook, and UncleWiggily was just going to say something about not giving a little babyhot soup, when the door opened again, and in came Alice from Wonderland.
"Oh, I'm so glad you're here, Uncle Wiggily!" cried Alice. "Now it willbe all right."
"What will?" asked the bunny. "What will be right?"
"My left shoe," said Alice. "You see I just came from the Pool of Tears,and everything got all mixed up. When I came out I had two left shoesinstead of one being a right, but now you are here it's all right--Imean one is right and the other is left, as it should be," and with thatAlice put on one shoe she had been carrying in her hand, and smiled.
"But who is this?" asked Uncle Wiggily, pointing with his red, white andblue striped rheumatism crutch at the big lady holding the baby, whichwas now squirming like an angle worm.
"It's the Duchess--a friend of the Queen of Hearts," answered Alice."I'll introduce you to her in a minute. Are you fond of sneezing?"
"Only when I have a cold," answered Uncle Wiggily. "Why do you ask?" andhe began to think he was having a very funny adventure indeed. "Whyshould I be fond of sneezing?"
"Because you'll have to whether you like it or not," answered Alice."The Duchess is going to talcum powder the baby now--it's just had abath."
With that the duchess, who is the wife of a duke, you know, called:
"Here, cook! Never mind the soup. Give me the pepper!"
"Goodness me sakes alive and some horseradish lollypops!" cried UncleWiggily. "She isn't going to talcum powder the baby with pepper, isshe?"
"Of course," answered Alice. "It's that way in the book from which Icame to have an adventure with you, so, of course, pepper it has to be.Look out--here come the sneezes!" and Alice got out her handkerchief.
Uncle Wiggily saw the duchess, with a funny smile on her big face, takethe pepper-box the cook gave her and start to sprinkle the black stuffover the baby in her lap. The baby was cooing and gurgling--as allbabies do after their bath--and didn't seem at all to mind her beingpeppered.
"They season chickens and turkeys with salt and pepper, so why notbabies?" asked Alice of Uncle Wiggily. The bunny gentleman was justgoing to say he did not know the answer to that riddle, when the doorsuddenly opened again and in came a great big dodo bird, which issomething like a skillery-scalery alligator, only worse, with a beaklike that of a mosquito.
"Ah, ha!" chirped the dodo. "At last I have found him!" and he made adart with his big beak for Uncle Wiggily. The dodo was just going tograb the bunny gentleman in his claws, and Mr. Longears was so shiveryhe didn't know what to do, when the duchess, suddenly tossing the babyto the cook, cried:
"Ha! No you don't! I guess it's you I want to pepper instead!" and withthat she shook the box of pepper at the dodo, who began sneezing as hardas he could sneeze.
"Aker-choo! Aker-choo! Aker-choo!" sneezed the dodo.
"Keer-zoo! Keer-zoo! Keer-zoo!" sneezed the duchess.
"Goo-snitzio! Goo-snitzio! Goo-snitzio!" sneezed Alice.
"Fizz-buzzy-wuzz! Fizz-buzzy-wuzz! Fizz-buzzy-wuzz!" sneezed UncleWiggily, and then the dodo himself gave another very large special fiveand ten cent store sale sneeze and blew himself backward out of thedoor. So he didn't get Uncle Wiggily after all.
"And now we are all right," said Alice, when they had all finishedsneezing, including the baby. "Have some soup, Uncle Wiggily."
So the bunny did, finding it very good, and made from cabbage andpretzels and then he went home to his stump bungalow.
And if the lollypop stick doesn't have to go out and help the wash ladyhold up the clothesline when it goes fishing for apple pie I'll tell younext about Uncle Wiggily and
the cook.
CHAPTER IX
UNCLE WIGGILY AND THE COOK
"Well, Mr. Longears, I shall have to leave you all alone today," saidNurse Jane Fuzzy Wuzzy, the muskrat lady housekeeper, as she gave UncleWiggily, the bunny rabbit gentleman, his breakfast in the hollow stumpbungalow one morning.
"Leave me all alone--how does that happen?" asked Uncle Wiggily, sort ofsad and sorrowful like. "Do you mean you are going to leave me forgood?"
"Oh, no; I'm just going to be busy all day sewing mosquito shirts forthe animal boy soldiers who are going off to war. Since you taught themhow to shoot their talcum powder guns at the bad biting bugs, SammieLittletail, your rabbit nephew, and Johnnie and Billie Bushytail, thesquirrels; Jackie and Peetie Bow Wow, the puppy dogs, and all the otherWoodland chaps have been bothered with the mosquitoes."
"They made war enough on me," said Uncle Wiggily.
"And, since they could not catch you, they are starting war against yourfriends," went on Nurse Jane, "so I am making mosquito shirts for theanimal boys. I'll be away sewing all day, and you'll have to get yourown lunch, I'm afraid."
"I'm not afraid!" laughed brave Uncle Wiggily. "If I could get away fromthe bad, biting mosquitoes, I guess I can get my own lunch. Besides,maybe Alice from Wonderland will come along and help me."
"Maybe," spoke Nurse Jane. Then the muskrat lady, tying her tail up in apink-blue hair ribbon, scurried off, while Uncle Wiggily hopped over thefields and through the woods, looking for an adventure.