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Iris cuddled against me, surrounding me with her warmth.
“As a child, after I got over the shock of her leaving and after I accepted that it was for real, I’d always assumed my mother was totally gone,” I explained, tipping my cheek against her shoulder.
“Mm-hm,” Iris encouraged, her honeydew voice washing over me.
“Then I learned the truth about everything and suddenly I knew I would see my mother again. I just assumed, you know? That one day I would be able to find her. I knew she was out there, and would live a long time, and so would I. So it was all just a matter of time…”
My voice trailed off as a fresh wave of grief hit me. Iris took my hand and held it, occasionally leaning forward to kiss away my tears.
“I was so stupid to assume. I just thought I’d finally get a chance to know her. To tell her everything I wanted to tell her. ”
“What did you want to say to her, Jane? Tell me. ”
“I wanted to tell her what she missed. I wanted to tell her what I was like and to ask her so much stuff about her life, and the decisions she’d made. ” I sat up just long enough to put my mug on the coffee table and blow my running nose before returning to Iris’s arms.
“And the worst part is, I wanted to tell her how mad I am at her. How much she hurt me. I was thinking of all the things I could say that would really zing her, really make her feel my pain. What the fuck was wrong with me? I thought I’d see her and all I wanted was revenge?”
“You have every right to be angry, Jane. ”
“But it’s not about rights. It’s about opportunities, and I fucked mine up. I didn’t take the opportunities I was given. Shit, I dreamed about all the ways I could waste my opportunities. What was I thinking?”
“You weren’t thinking, honey. You were reacting. When it comes to your mother, you’re still that little girl who feels abandoned. And your mother did that to you, so don’t beat yourself up. ”
“But now what? How am I going to get over this, Iris? Is that all I have to look forward to, continually being that little fucking girl?” I finally admitted what I’d always feared: “What if I can’t get over her, ever? I thought I’d see her and we’d hash things out and she’d help me conquer what she did to me. What if that’s impossible now?”
Iris shook her head. “No, Jane, that’s not what I meant. You are strong, and you are not damaged goods because of what happened to you. I simply meant that when it comes to your mother, your reactions are tempered by your loss. But your whole life isn’t affected. You’ve proven that. ”
“Have I? I’ve never left Rockabill. I’ve never committed to anything or anyone besides Jason, and he was dead when we were so young. I went completely crazy when he died, yet I flicked Ryu aside because he wants commitment. What if I’m just… damaged? And what if now there’s no cure?”
“Oh, honey, it’s not like that. You’ve committed yourself to so many things. To your father, to Grizzie and Tracy, to me. You’ve committed yourself to school, and then to your training. You’re only focusing on the negative and not seeing the good. ”
I listened to what Iris said, but it didn’t make me feel any better.
“I just thought I had time,” I said. “And how am I going to tell my father?” I begged, starting to sob again.
“Oh, baby,” Iris murmured, rocking me gently. “You’ll figure out what to do about your dad. And I know you’re sad you won’t ever hear your mother’s side of things, but I have no doubt that she missed you every day she was away from you. ”
I choked on my tears, and Iris ran a soothing hand down my back.
“You know I don’t like to talk about my son, or his father. They were both human, even my son. It was like I’d given birth to a pure-blooded mortal. And they grew old, and they died. I was with them till the end, but that’s not the whole story. I had other choices, Jane, and I was too cowardly to take them. ”
I peered up into Iris’s beautiful blue eyes. They were still and sad, and in all the time I’d known her I’d never seen her so serious.
“Other choices?”
“We are only long-lived because of our access to the elements. Which means that I could have cut myself off from my magic. Doing so would have let me age normally. I would have had to learn to live as a mortal, but I would have died with my husband, and I would never have had to see the look of betrayal in my son’s eyes when he lost his battle with death, as a decrepit old man, while his own mother sat next to him, young and healthy. ”
“Oh, Iris,” I breathed.
“But I didn’t, Jane. I was too afraid of dying and of living without my power. I was too weak. And I’ve lived with that decision every day of my life. I don’t envy your mother. She wanted two things that were diametrically opposed. She tried to have both and she failed, and I have no doubt that she suffered, just as much as she made you suffer, for her choices. ”
“But I still loved her,” I said, trying to forgive Iris in the place of her son and knowing it was impossible.
“And I know she loved you. ”
I scrubbed my hands over my face, trying to get my head around everything I was feeling, just as there was a determined knock at the door.
Iris went to answer it, and, dehydrated from all the crying, I drank long and deep from my cooled tea.
When I put my mug down and looked toward the figure in Iris’s doorway, I felt the little modicum of control I’d gained collapse. My face crumpled and, without even thinking about it, I held out my salt-streaked arms.
“Jane,” Ryu choked, coming to me and gathering me up in his arms.
“My mother. ” I sobbed as he held me tighter.
“I know, baby. I know. I’m here now. I’ll take care of you. ”
Through tear-blurred vision I looked into Ryu’s face. I knew I was being selfish, and that I was taking from him with no guarantee I’d be able to give anything back. But at that moment I didn’t care.
I buried my face in his neck and let him carry me away, Iris watching us depart with tears in her own eyes.
CHAPTER FOUR
The bed-and-breakfast where Ryu was staying was one we’d used often when we were together. He’d even gotten our usual room. Under a heavy glamour he’d carried me up the stairs, setting me down on the edge of the bed before locking out the world behind us.
He disappeared into the bathroom and I heard him turn on the shower. When steam started pouring out the open door, he reappeared, naked, then came back to where I huddled.
“Where are your clothes, baby?” he asked as he unwrapped me from my sea-salty blanket.
“I left them in the cove,” I mumbled. “I swam here. ”
Ryu stroked his strong hand down my tearstained cheeks as I studied his lovely, sharp-boned face. His chin was pointed, fey, and his lips were small yet succulent, almost feminine. He wore his bright chestnut hair, usually short-cropped, slightly longer than usual. At this length, I could see just how unusual the color was, with blond and black hair twining with red and brown to make that bold, brassy chestnut. The color fit Ryu’s personality, and he looked younger, and cheekier, with this slightly longer style.
I met his hazel eyes, almost pure gold with only the thinnest edging of green at their center, knowing I looked a mess but refusing to flinch under his scrutiny.
“Let’s get you cleaned up,” Ryu said after a moment.
He led me into the bathroom. We’d always liked this room because it had a large, two-person shower and a separate whirlpool bath, also big enough for two. I thought of everything we’d done in this random bathroom, and I suppressed the cruel question that popped, unbidden, into my consciousness.
Had Ryu and I ever done anything but fuck?
Once I was installed in the shower, under the water, Ryu opened his shampoo and began to wash my hair, very gently.
“I can’t believe how long your hair has gotten
, baby. ”
I didn’t do what I’d done to Anyan and remind Ryu how long it had been since we’d last seen each other.
“I may have nudged it a bit, with magic,” I admitted instead.
“You look absolutely gorgeous,” he murmured in my ear as he massaged my scalp. I relaxed back against him, letting his fingers soothe and settle me.
Ryu rinsed the shampoo from my hair, then repeated everything, including the massage, with conditioner. I just let him go at it; let myself be putty in his hands. I’d cried the entire short walk to the B and B, but now I just felt… empty.
Ryu soaped up a soft washcloth and ran it down my arm from my shoulder to my fingertips. Then he lifted each arm, gently swabbing underneath before lifting my heavy hair to run the cloth over my neck and back. He did the same thing to my front, dabbing gently at my breasts but not touching with his hands. Then he crouched down to clean my legs and feet, before standing up to rinse off the washcloth and apply more soap.
Ryu kissed me, very gently, as he ran the cloth between my legs. Nudging my knees apart with his own, he pressed the soft fabric between my folds, cleaning me thoroughly. Maybe I should have felt embarrassed or shocked by his touching me so intimately after so long, but it was like I was in a trance. His hands on me were comforting, in an animal-like way, as if I were a startled horse in need of soothing. That said, my body was also reacting to him sexually. He knew everything that turned me on, after all—every nook and cranny that responded to the touch of lips, tongue, and teeth. But my head wasn’t in it. It was like I was watching our entwined bodies from a great distance.