At Gattenden, meanwhile, the days passed gloomily.
'Why don't you do a little painting?' Mrs. Bidlake suggested to her husband on the morning that followed his arrival.
Old John shook his head.
'You'd enjoy it so much once you started,' coaxed Elinor.
But her father would not allow himself to be persuaded. He didn'twant to paint, precisely because painting would have been so enjoyable. His very dread of pain, sickness and death made him perversely refuse to let his mind be distracted from their abhorred contemplation. It was as though some part of him obscurely desired to accept defeat and misery, were anxious to make abjection yet more abject. His courage, his Gargantuan power, his careless high spirits had been the fruits of a deliberate and lifelong ignorance. But now that to ignore was no longer possible, now that the enemy was installed in his very vitals, the virtue had gone out of him. He was afraid and could not conceal his terrors. He no longer even desired to conceal them. He somehow wanted to be abject. And abject he was. Mrs. Bidlake and Elinor did their best to rouse him from the apathetic misery in which he spent the greater part of his days at Gattenden. But he would not be roused except to complain and occasionally fly into a querulous rage.
'Deplorable,' wrote Philip in his notebook, 'to see an Olympian reduced by a little tumour in his stomach to a state of subhumanness. But perhaps,' he added a few days later as an afterthought, 'he was always subhuman, even when he seemed most Olympian; perhaps being Olympian was just a symptom of subhumanity.'
It was only with little Phil that John Bidlake would occasionally rouse himself from his abjection. Playing with the child, he would sometimes forget for a little to be wretched.
'Draw something for me,' he would say.
And with his tongue between his teeth little Phil would draw a train, or a ship, or the stags in Gattenden Park fighting, or the old marquess in his donkey-drawn chair.
'Now you draw me something, grandfather,' he would say, when he was tired.
And the old man would take the pencil and make half a dozen marvellous little sketches of T'ang, the Pekingese dog, or Tompy, the kitchen cat. Or sometimes, in a fit of naughtiness, he would scribble a caricature of poor Miss Fulkes writhing. And sometimes, forgetting all about the child, he would draw for his own amusement--a group of bathers, two men wrestling, a dancer.
'But why have they got no clothes on?' the child would ask.
'Because they're nicer without.'
'I don't think so.' And losing interest in drawings that had so little in the way of a story to tell him, he would ask for the pencil back again.
But it was not always that John Bidlake responded so happily to his grandson. Sometimes, when he was feeling particularly wretched, he felt the child's mere presence as an outrage, a kind of taunting. He would fly into a rage, would shout at the boy for making a noise and disturbing him.
'Can't I ever be left in peace?' he would shout, and then would go on to complain with curses of the general inefficiency of everybody. The house was full of women, all supposed to be looking after that damned brat. But there he always was, rampaging round, kicking up hell's own din, getting in the way. It was intolerable. Particularly when one wasn't well. Absolutely intolerable. People were without any consideration. Flushed and writhing, poor Miss Fulkes would lead her howling charge back to the nursery.
The most trying scenes were at meal-times. For it was at meals (now reduced, so far as he was concerned, to broth and milk and Benger's food) that John Bidlake was most disagreeably reminded of the state of his health. 'Disgusting slops!' he grumbled. But if he ate anything solid, the results were deplorable. Meal-times were the stormiest and most savage moments of John Bidlake's day. He vented his anger on the child. Always a reluctant eater, little Phil was peculiarly difficult about his food all that spring and early summer. There were tears at almost every meal.
'It's because he isn't really very well,' Miss Fulkes explained apologetically. And it was true. The boy looked sallow and peaked, slept uneasily, was nervous and quickly tired, suffered from headaches, had ceased to put on weight. Dr. Crowther had ordered malt and codliver oil and a tonic. 'Not well,' insisted Miss Fulkes.
But John Bidlake would not hear of it. 'He's simply naughty, that's all. He just won't eat.' And turning to the boy, 'Swallow, child, swallow!' he shouted. 'Have you forgotten how to swallow?' The spectacle of little Phil chewing and chewing interminably on a mouthful of something he did not like exasperated him. 'Swallow, boy! Don't go on ruminating like that. You're not a cow. Swallow!' And, very red in the face, with tears welling up into his eyes, little Phil would make a terrible effort to swallow the abhorred cud of five minutes' queasy mastication. The muscles of his throat would heave and ripple, an expression of invincible disgust would distort his small face, there would be an ominous sound of retching. 'But it's simply revolting!' stormed the old man. 'Swallow!' His shouting was an almost infallible recipe for making the child sick.
Burdens fell, darkness gave place to light, Marjorie apocalyptically understood all the symbols of religious literature. For she herself had struggled in the Slough of Despond and had emerged; she too had climbed laboriously and without hope and had suddenly been consoled by a sight of the promised land.
'All these phrases used to sound so conventional and meaninglessly pious,' she said to Mrs. Quarles. 'But now I see they're just descriptions of facts.'
Mrs. Quarles nodded. 'Bad descriptions, because the facts are indescribable. But if you've had personal experience of them, you can see what the symbols are driving at.'
'Do you know the Black Country?' said Marjorie. 'I feel as though I'd come out of one of those mining towns on to the moors. Out into the great open spaces,' she added in her earnest, rather drawlingly childish voice. (The voice, Mrs. Quarles couldn't help thinking, and repented immediately of the thought--for after all the poor girl couldn't help her voice--made the great open spaces seem curiously stuffy.) 'And when I look back, the black town seems so small and insignificant compared with the space and the enormous sky. As though one were looking at it through the wrong end of a pair of field-glasses.'
Mrs. Quarles frowned slightly. 'Not so insignificant as all that,' she said. 'For after all, there are people living in the town, however black it may be. And the wrong end of the field-glasses is the wrong end. One isn't meant to look at things so that they appear small and insignificant. That's one of the dangers of getting out under the sky; one's too apt to think of the towns and the people in them as small and remote and unimportant. But they aren't, Marjorie. And it's the business of the lucky ones who have got out into the open to help the others to come too.' She frowned again, at herself this time; she hated anything like preaching. But Marjorie mustn't imagine herself superior, promoted out of the world. 'How's Walter?' she asked with an irrelevance that was no irrelevance. 'How are you getting on together now?'
'The same as ever,' said Marjorie. The admission, a few weeks ago, would have made her utterly wretched. But now even Walter had begun to seem small and rather remote. She loved him still, of course; but somehow through the wrong end of the field-glasses. Through the right end she saw only God and Jesus; they loomed overwhelmingly large.
Mrs. Quarles looked at her, and an expression of sadness passed quickly over her sensitive face. 'Poor Walter!' she said.
'Yes, I'm sorry for him too,' said Marjorie. There was silence.
Old Dr. Fisher had told her to come and report progress every few weeks, and Marjorie took advantage of that Wednesday's cheap excursion tickets to run up to town, do some necessary shopping and tell the doctor how well she felt.
'You look it too,' said Dr. Fisher, peering at her first through his spectacles, then over the top of them. 'Extraordinarily much better than when you were here last. It often happens in the fourth month,' he went on to explain. Dr. Fisher liked to make his patients take an intelligent interest in their own physiology. 'Health improves. So do spirits. It's the body settling down to the n
ew state of affairs. The changes in the circulation no doubt have something to do with it. The foetal heart begins to beat about this time. I've known cases of neurasthenic women who wanted to have one baby after another, as quick as ever it could be managed. Pregnancy was the only thing that could cure them of their melancholy and obsessions. How little as yet we understand about the relations between body and mind!'
Marjorie smiled and said nothing. Dr. Fisher was an angel, one of the best and kindest men in the whole world. But there were things he understood even less of than the relations between body and mind. What did he understand about God, for example? What did he understand about the soul and its mystical communion with spiritual powers? Poor Dr. Fisher! All that he could talk about was the fourth month of pregnancy and the foetal heart. She smiled inwardly, feeling a kind of pity for the old man.
Burlap that morning was affectionate. 'Old man,' he said, laying a hand on Walter's shoulder,'shouldn't we go out and eat a chop together somewhere?' He gave Walter's shoulder a little squeeze and smiled down at him with the wistful enigmatic tenderness of one of Sodoma's saints.
'Alas,' said Walter, trying to simulate an answering affection,' I'm lunching with a man at the other end of London.' It was a lie; but he couldn't face the prospect of an hour with Burlap in a Fleet Street chophouse. Besides, he wanted to see if there was a letter from Lucy waiting for him at the club. He looked at his watch. 'Lord!' he added, not wishing to prolong the conversation with Burlap, 'I must be off.'
Outside it was raining. The umbrellas were like black mushrooms that had suddenly sprouted from the mud. Gloomy, gloomy. In Madrid the sunshine would be ferocious. 'But I love the heat,' she had said. 'I blossom in ovens.' He had imagined Spanish nights, dark and hot, and her body pale in the starlight, a ghost, but tangible and warm; and love as patient and relentless as hatred, and possessions like slow murder. His imaginations had justified every conceivable lie and outrage. It mattered not what might be done or left undone, provided the imaginations were realized. He had prepared the ground, he had invented a series of elaborate lies, one set for Burlap, another for Marjorie; he had made enquiries about the price of tickets, he had arranged for an overdraft at the bank. And then came Lucy's letter with the news that she had changed her mind. She was going to stay in Paris. Why? There was only one possible reason. His jealousy, his disappointment; his humiliation had overflowed into six pages of reproach and fury.
'Any letters?' he asked offhandedly of the porter as he entered the club. His tone was meant to imply that he expected nothing more interesting than a publisher's circular or a philanthropic offer to lend five thousand pounds without security. The porter handed him the familiar yellow envelope. He tore it open and unfolded three sheets of pencilled scribble. 'Quai Voltaire. Monday.' He pored over the writing. It was almost as difficult to read as an ancient manuscript. 'Why do you always write to me in pencil?' He remembered Cuthbert Arkwright's question and her answer. 'I'll kiss the ink away,' he had replied. The lout! Walter entered the dining-room and ordered his lunch. Between the mouthfuls he deciphered Lucy's letter. 'Quai Voltaire. Insufferable, your letter. Once and for all, I refuse to be cursed at or whined at; I simply won't be reproached, or condemned. I do what I like and I don't admit anybody's right to call my doings into question. Last week I thought it would be amusing to go to Madrid with you; this week I don't. If my changing my mind has put you to any inconvenience, I'm sorry. But I'm not in the least apologetic for having changed my mind, and if you think your howlings and jealousies make me feel sorry for you, you're much mistaken. They're intolerable, they're inexcusable. Do you really want to know why I'm not leaving Paris? Very well. "I suppose you've found some man you like more than me." Marvellous, my dear Holmes! And guess where I found him? In the street. Strolling along the Boulevard Saint-Germain, looking at the bookshops. I noticed I was being followed from window to window by a young man. I liked his looks. Very black, with an olive skin, rather Roman, no taller than I. At the fourth window he began to talk to me in extraordinary French, with accents on all the mute E's. "Ma Lei e italiano." He was; huge delight. "Parla italiano?" And he began pouring out his admiration in the choicest Tuscan. I looked at him. After all, why not? Someone one has never seen before and knows nothing about--it's an exciting idea. Absolute strangers at one moment and as intimate at the next as two human beings can be. Besides, he was a beautiful creature. " Vorrei e non vorrei," I said. But he'd never heard of Mozart--only Puccini, so I cut the cackle. " All right." We hailed a taxi and drove to a little hotel near the Jardin des Plantes. Rooms by the hour. A bed, a chair, a cupboard, a washstand with a tin basin and jug, a towel-horse, a bidet. Sordid, but that was part of the fun. "Dunque," I said. I hadn't let him touch me in the cab. He came at me as though he were going to kill me, with clenched teeth. I shut my eyes, like a Christian martyr in front of a lion. Martyrdom's exciting. Letting oneself be hurt, humiliated, used like a doormat--queer. I like it. Besides, the doormat uses the user. It's complicated. He'd just come back from a seaside holiday by the Mediterranean and his body was all brown and polished by the sun. Beautifully savage he looked, a Red Indian. And as savage as his looks. The marks are still there where he bit me on the neck. I shall have to wear a scarf for days. Where did I see that statue of Marsyas being skinned? His face was like that. I dug my nails into his arm so that the blood came. Afterwards I asked him what he was called. His name's Francesco Allegri and he's an aeronautical engineer, and comes from Siena, where his father's a professor of medicine at the university. How curiously irrelevant that a brown savage should design aircraft engines and have a father who's a professor! I'm going to see him again to-morrow. So now you know, Walter, why I've changed my mind about going to Madrid. Don't ever send me another letter like the last. L.'
Marjorie caught the three-twelve back to Chamford. The rain had stopped when she arrived. The hills on the other side of the valley were touched with sunlight and seemed to shine with their own radiance against the smoke and indigo of the clouds. Drops still hung from the twigs and every cup of leaves and petals was full. The wetted earth gave out a cool delicious fragrance; there was a noise of birds. As she passed under the overhanging branches of the great oak tree half-way up the hill, a puff of wind shook down a cold and sudden shower on her face. Marjorie laughed with pleasure.
She found the cottage untenanted. The maid was out and wouldn't be back till a little before bedtime. The silence in the empty rooms had a quality of crystalline and musical transparency; the solitude seemed friendly and kind. When she moved about the house, she walked on tiptoe, as though she were afraid of waking a sleeping child.
Marjorie made herself a cup of tea, sipped, ate a biscuit, lighted a cigarette. The flavour of the food and drink, the aroma of the tobacco seemed peculiarly delicious and somehow novel. It was as if she had discovered them for the first time.
She turned the armchair so that it faced the window and sat there looking out, over the valley towards the bright hills with their background of storm. She remembered a day like this when they were living in their cottage in Berkshire. Sunshine the brighter for being so precarious in the midst of darkness; a shining and transfigured earth. Walter and she had sat together at the open window. He had loved her then. And yet she was happier now, much happier. She regretted nothing of what had happened in the interval. The suffering had been necessary. It was the cloud that enhanced the shining of her present felicity. A dark cloud, but how remote now, how curiously irrelevant! And that other happy brightness before the coming of the cloud--that too was tiny and far away, like an image in a curved mirror. Poor Walter! she thought, and remotely she was sorry for him. Pursuing happiness, he had made himself miserable. Happiness is a by-product, Mrs. Quarles had said. It was true. 'Happiness, happiness.' Marjorie repeated the word to herself. Against the black vapours the hills were like emerald and green gold. Happiness and beauty and goodness. 'The peace of God,' she whispered, ' the peace of God that passeth all understanding. Pea
ce, peace, peace...' She felt as though she were melting into that green and golden tranquillity, sinking and being absorbed into it, dissolving out of separateness into union. Stillness flowed into stillness, the silence without became one with the silence within her. The shaken and turbid liquor of existence grew gradually calm, and all that had made it opaque--all the noise and uproar of the world, all the personal anxieties and desires and feelings--began to settle like a sediment, fell slowly, slowly and noiselessly, out of sight. The turbid liquor became clearer and clearer, more and more translucent. Behind that gradually vanishing mist was reality, was God. It was a slow, progressive revelation. 'Peace, peace,' she whispered to herself; and the last faint ripples died away from the surface of life, the opacities churned up by the agitation of living dropped away through the utter calm. 'Peace, peace.' She had no desires, no more preoccupations. The liquor which had been turbid was now quite clear, clearer than crystal, more diaphanous than air; the mist had vanished and the unveiled reality was a wonderful emptiness, was nothing. Nothing--the only perfection, the only absolute. Infinite and eternal nothing. The gradual revelation was now complete.