‘Yes, sir,’ she said with a wan smile. ‘But have you retired from the medical profession? I mean, don’t you have any patients to see?’
‘I had the secretary cancel everything before lunch, but if you’re okay, I’ll see my afternoon people.’
‘I’m okay, Barn. I’m okay. You don’t have to screw up your life just because I’ve screwed up mine.’
‘No back talk,’ Barney retorted. ‘Remember, today I’m the parent.’
He left her after lunch, certain that she was sufficiently better to be able to undertake a trip to, say, the Museum of Modern Art – anything rather than letting her sit around.
When he returned at seven-thirty, he was surprised to see that Laura had prepared dinner.
‘Well, I didn’t actually do anything more than heat the stuff up. It’s amazing what precooked goodies you can buy on Fifty-seventh Street. So sit down and tell me how your day was.’
Barney gave a verbal sketch of the four cases he had been treating that afternoon, as well as the boisterous meeting he had attended at the hospital.
‘I mean, Castellano, if a master psychiatrist ever walked into our hospital while we were having one of our staff gettogethers, he wouldn’t be able to distinguish between the doctors and the nuts.’
‘Some of our conferences up in Boston are like that,’ she replied. ‘By the way, I think the paper you’re writing is terrific.’
‘You mean the schizo thing?’
‘It shows a lot of new insights. When are you going to finish it?’
‘Well, it’s overdue already. But it’s so late, I might as well leave it another few days.’
‘No, Barn,’ Laura said firmly, ‘Let me play parent now. When we finish this magnificent banquet, I want you to march over to your typewriter and finish the article. And that’s an order.’
Barney smiled. ‘Yes, Mother.’
Three hours later Laura was perusing his final pages and expressing her approval.
‘Good job, Livingston. I think you’ve got a future in medicine.’
‘So do I, kiddo. Now while I stay up and proofread, I want you to go and get another good night’s sleep.’
She rose like an obedient child, kissed him on the forehead, and went to bed.
They had a swift and early breakfast the next morning before Barney left for his full day’s agenda.
It was then that Laura told him, ‘I’m not going back to Boston.’
‘What?’
‘I just can’t. I know I couldn’t walk into that house and I wonder if I could even walk into Children’s Hospital without feeling – I don’t know – humiliated. Can you understand?’
‘Certainly the house part. But what are you going to do?’
‘As soon as you leave, I’m going to sit at your desk and start making phone calls to see if maybe somewhere there’s an opening in a neonatal unit.’
‘Not in the middle of the year, Castellano – the places will all be taken.’
‘Ah, Barney,’ she grinned, ‘you obviously know nothing about the world of hospital medicine. Even as we speak, some doctor somewhere is slitting his or her wrist or freaking out or something. I mean – look at me.’
Barney called Laura from his office at noon. She sounded almost happy.
‘You may not believe this, but I think I’ve got a job.’
‘That was pretty quick. How’d you manage that?’
‘Well, actually, my old pediatrics supervisor called a friend at Queen’s Hospital, Toronto. And even though they’re not starting their program till next year, they’ve already got the funds – so I can start any time.’
‘That’s fantastic.’
‘I can hardly believe it myself,’ she replied. ‘But to make sure it doesn’t disappear, I’m going to fly to Toronto tonight.’
‘Come on, Castellano, not so fast,’ he cautioned. ‘You’ve just been hit with the atom bomb, you need at least another twenty-four hours to get back your equilibrium. Besides, I’ve booked a great Indian restaurant.’
‘I don’t think—’
‘That’s precisely right, Laura, don’t think. I’ll be doing that for you till you’re released from my care. So just be ready by seven-thirty.’
She decided he was right. She needed at least another day to get her logistics straight – and to buy some clothes for the harsh Toronto weather.
Fifteen minutes later, as she was completing her shopping list, the front door opened.
And in walked Emily, struggling with a large suitcase.
She caught sight of Laura sitting comfortably at Barney’s desk and was struck dumb.
Neither of them could find the appropriate words.
At last, Laura said simply, ‘Can I help you with that bag, Emily?’
‘No, thank you,’ she replied, her facial muscles still frozen.
As Emily carried the valise toward the bedroom, Laura remarked, ‘Barney wasn’t expecting you till tomorrow.’
‘I can see that,’ she said quietly. ‘I got a hitch with the ABC plane. I didn’t realize that by coming home a day early I would be an unwelcome intruder.’
‘Emily, you don’t understand.’
‘I’m afraid I do.’
‘I mean – Palmer and I are divorcing. Actually we’re divorced already, thanks to the government of Mexico.’
‘That also stands to reason,’ Emily replied frostily.
‘I was going to leave tomorrow,’ Laura continued, still trying to get Emily to unlock the gates of her prejudgement.
‘Well, don’t hurry on my account,’ Emily retorted. ‘I’m leaving now.’
Trying to avert catastrophe for Barney, Laura gathered all her strength and shouted, ‘Wait, goddammit, Emily – I want to say something to you!’
With the door half open, she turned to Laura, ‘Okay, talk.’
‘I was in trouble,’ Laura began softly, ‘very bad trouble. And there wasn’t anybody in the world I could call but Barney. He let me stay out of pity, that’s all. I slept in the guest room. I mean, Emily, please – he was the only person I could turn to.’
Laura suddenly ran out of words. She realized that in this situation the truth seemed like the wildest fiction. How much better it would have been had she concocted some extravagant lie.
‘Hey, Laura,’ Emily said quietly, ‘Let me be totally frank with you. There were two reasons why I wouldn’t marry Barney. And you were one of them.’
At which she closed the door.
‘Castellano, it’s not your fault. I told Emily a million times about our relationship and if she still doesn’t believe me, too bad.’
‘Now look who’s being a martyr, Barney.’
‘I’m not, I’m not, we had no future. She was never going to marry me.’
‘Come on, you made a perfect couple. I mean, you loved her, didn’t you?’
‘Yes.’
‘And you still love her?’
‘Yes. But it doesn’t change anything. It’s just that I’ll have to start getting over it now instead of later.’
‘She said I was one reason why she couldn’t marry you. What was the other?’
‘I think that’s a private matter, Laura.’
‘Barn, under any other circumstances I wouldn’t ask you. But if you’re going to help me get this off my conscience, you’ve got to tell me that there really was another reason.’
Barney paused for a moment and said, ‘She can’t have children. I said it didn’t matter. I said that all I wanted was our marriage.’
‘And – ?’
‘She didn’t believe me,’ he said softly. He was lost in thought for a moment. And then he added, ‘Do you know something, Castellano, I’m ashamed to say it – but in a way she was right.’
Seth was puzzled by the nurse’s identification of his final patient of the day. It was in fact a trio – a man in his mid-sixties and what looked like his son and daughter.
They entered his office without a word and stood respectfully until Seth
signaled them to chairs.
‘Are you Doctor Lazarus?’ asked the older man.
‘Yes, I am. But who are you? Why didn’t you give your names to the receptionist?’
Seth waited for a moment, as the trio looked at one another.
Then the father said uneasily, ‘We didn’t want anybody else to know about this. I mean, this will all be confidential, won’t it?’
‘All physicians have taken the Hippocratic Oath and are sworn to secrecy about what’s told them.’
‘That’s not always true,’ the daughter interposed.
‘I’ll grant there are indiscreet doctors, Miss, but I can assure you I’m not one of them. Now may I know your names?’
‘Carson,’ said the older man, ‘like Johnny – only no relation.’ He gave the kind of chuckle that must have become second nature to him by now.
‘I’m Irwin,’ the man continued. ‘This is Chuck, my son, and Pam, my daughter.’
Seth looked at them and wondered out loud, ‘Who exactly has the problem?’
To Seth’s surprise, the father answered, ‘We all do.’
At this the elder Carson sat forward on his chair and spoke in hushed tones.
‘It’s actually about my wife – their mother – she’s very ill.’
‘Where is she?’ Seth inquired.
‘Back home. She’s much too sick to travel.’
‘Where’s home?’
‘In Hammond.’
‘You came here from Indiana? Just what exactly’s wrong with Mrs Carson?’
The older man bit his lip, looked first at his daughter, and then at his son, both of whom nodded to indicate that he should continue his plea.
‘A year ago they found a malignant tumor in her stomach. They operated. They took it out.’
‘And?’ Seth inquired.
‘Well, it was tough at the start, but we helped her to sort of readjust. For a while there, things seemed fine. I even took her on an anniversary trip to the Caribbean.’
He paused, breathed deeply, and continued. ‘Then it sort of started all over again. So we went back to see the doctor. He did some x-rays. Would you like to see them?’
‘Yes, of course.’
Seth took the large envelope, withdrew the films, and put them up against an illuminated cabinet.
He saw the situation at once. ‘To be frank, they don’t look very promising.’
‘We know,’ said the young man.
At which the father took up the narrative again. ‘I asked the doctor if he’d operate again. And then he said—’
He broke into tears.
‘Sorry, Doctor Lazarus. I’m really sorry,’ the old man sobbed. ‘It’s just the awful way he answered me. It was so brutal. He said straight out, “No, it’s not worth the trouble.”’
‘That was hardly the kindest way of putting it,’ Seth remarked. ‘But these pictures do show a large growth at the juncture of the digestive tube where she was operated.’
At which point, the man tearfully repeated, ‘When I pleaded with him, he just waved me off.’
‘Didn’t he suggest any other possibilities of dealing with the neoplasm?’
‘Well, there’s x-ray treatment. But even our G.P. told us that in stomach cancer it’s almost useless.’
‘I’m afraid your G.P. was correct, sir,’ Seth commented.
Mr Carson’s narrative accelerated. ‘So then he comes up with the idea of chemotherapy, another useless procedure. I mean, the only thing it’s guaranteed to do is make your hair fall out – and turn you into a tired skeleton.’
Seth merely nodded.
‘So what was left? Nothing. Zero. They just sent her home to die.’
As he continued, Carson’s voice became more and more of a supplication. ‘Doctor, she can barely swallow anymore. We have to feed her baby food. Things like Gerber’s applesauce.’
‘And even that is getting difficult to keep down,’ the daughter added.
‘Now,’ said the son, ‘she needs antispasmodic drugs and tranquilizers just to be able to swallow sugar water.’
‘So we went to the doctor again,’ the elder Carson said, picking up the tale. ‘Now, all of a sudden he’s back to the idea of an operation: “gastro –” I can’t even pronounce the name.’
‘A gastronomy,’ Seth explained. ‘It’s what you might call a replumbing of the whole digestive tract that would bring the food directly to the intestines through a tube into the skin.’
Seth paused to await further details.
‘Well, Doctor, I don’t have to tell you,’ Carson said, raising his voice and betraying some of his bitterness, ‘that it’s a hell of an operation and the guy actually admitted it wouldn’t stop the cancer growing. He wasn’t sure it would stop the pain. He just said it would give her more time.’
Seth wanted to get to the heart of the matter. ‘I’m sorry to say, from what you’ve told me, I don’t think there’s any possible way of saving her. I mean, certainly nothing within my knowledge or power.’
‘We know that,’ said the father, as the son and daughter echoed, ‘Yes, we know. We know.’
‘That’s why we’re begging you to help her, Doctor,’ the elder Carson said.
‘I don’t understand,’ Seth answered, with a troubling intuition that he did.
‘Doctor, don’t let her just sit there and become a subhuman thing with plastic tubes everywhere. Don’t let her suffer like this. Let her go now, while her life still has a shred of dignity. She wants to die.’
There was a pause and then Carson spoke his concluding words. ‘Please help us, Doctor. I mean, help her.’
The rest was silence. They had said their piece.
Seth was dumbfounded. And petrified at the thought that his long-ago ‘act of compassion’ for Mel Gatkowicz had somehow escaped the confines of the hospital – and even crossed state lines.
‘How did you get my name?’ he inquired as calmly as possible.
‘A new internist in our hospital. Dr Bluestone.’
‘Have Dr Bluestone call me this evening at my home.’ He stood up.
The family rose at once, as if a prelate of the church were passing by, and walked out into the darkness.
Seth put out the office lights. And as he locked the door and headed for his car, he thought of the consequences of what he had all but pledged to do.
Now death would make a house call.
38
The moment he arrived home, Seth recounted the whole incident to Judy, who shared his apprehension.
‘If that’s what Tim wanted, why didn’t he do it himself?’ she said angrily. ‘He’s put all our lives in jeopardy.’
Seth merely acknowledged her words with a glance. He was all too aware that what they regarded as mercy would be seen by many others as murder.
‘Tim’s supposed to be calling tonight,’ Seth reminded her. ‘I don’t really know what to say.’
‘You’ve got to tell him to go to hell.’
Seth was deep in thought. At last he said quietly, ‘What about the Carsons?’
‘Oh, God,’ Judy responded with agonized frustration, ‘you’re not thinking of doing what Tim’s asked—’
‘I don’t give a damn about Bluestone,’ he replied, eyes focused in the middle distance. ‘But I care about those people. The whole family is in torment – and there doesn’t seem to be an end to it.’
‘No, Seth,’ Judy objected. ‘Don’t take the risk …’ Her voice trailed off. For she could sense that he was so sympathetic to Mrs Carson’s plight that he had already made up his mind.
A little after 9 P.M. the phone rang. It was Tim Bluestone calling from Indiana.
‘Seth,’ he began, ‘I think I’d better explain—’
‘You certainly had,’ Seth interrupted. ‘I want to know exactly what you told the Carsons and why.’
‘I told them I knew a very compassionate doctor who might be able to help. I haven’t got the guts to do it alone, Seth. Besides, I saw you leave Mel
Gatkowicz’s room the night he died. And afterward I wondered.’
Seth could not answer him. And dared not ask whom else he had told.
‘These are special circumstances, Seth,’ Tim pleaded. ‘The Carsons are good, decent people. And Marge – that’s the wife – is just a fragment of a human being. She’s in excruciating pain. I’ve put the significant data in a letter to you. You’ll probably get it in tomorrow’s mail. Look, the family is so desperate they asked me if I wouldn’t – you know – do something. At first I resisted the idea. But these past few days, watching Marge deteriorate, I think they’re right.’ He paused and then blurted out, ‘If we could just do it together, Seth. That would kind of share the burden.’
Tim, you fool, Seth thought to himself, don’t you realize this is something you can’t share? Even if you collaborate, you still get the full weight on your shoulders.
‘Okay, let me read her case notes and I’ll get back to you.’
‘At my home, not my office, please.’
‘Obviously,’ Seth replied, not disguising his annoyance.
The dossier was in the next morning’s mail. Seth called Tim a little before ten.
‘You’re right,’ he said, ‘nobody deserves to suffer like this. We should go ahead on your … proposal. But it’ll have to be on the weekend.’
‘Yes. Of course.’
‘Now tell me exactly how to get to their place.’
After giving him specific directions, Tim added, ‘Thank you, Seth – God, this whole thing is frightening.’
Seth did not even address Tim’s statement. For that would have meant haranguing him about the ghosts he saw in countless dreams. Bluestone had nothing to teach him about fear.
‘Listen, Tim, where do the son and daughter live?’
‘The boy’s an Engineering grad student up at North-western. The daughter’s married to a guy who owns a restaurant. Sometimes she helps him out as a cashier.’
‘Well, make sure neither of them is around this Sunday. Can you do that?’
‘Sure, sure.’
‘Now I’ve got to know one last thing – is the woman conscious?’
‘Most of the time. It’s just that to give her some relief from pain, we have to drug her very heavily.’