He had been serious.
When Laura arrived in the great domed marble monument she found Marshall gazing up at Jefferson’s eloquence. He kissed her.
‘I can understand why you feel uplifted in this place. Are you okay?’
‘Well, it’s official,’ he announced joyfully. ‘I’ve got my job back at Stanford. They were really great about it.’
‘Oh,’ she said. And thought, At least Paul kept his part of the deal. ‘When are you going?’
‘Well, Max says I can move back into my old lab whenever it’s convenient. But I think we should wait till the kids finish the semester at school. I don’t want to upset their lives even more – they’ve got enough to deal with.’
‘Well,’ she commented, ‘I guess that gives us both time to get used to it.’
He gripped her firmly by the shoulders. ‘No, Laura – I want you to come to California with me.’
She was astonished for a moment. And then confused. Could he possibly be willing to abandon his family for her?
Are you sure?’
‘Absolutely.’
Laura was in such an ecstasy of hope she almost felt guilty. She asked for reassurance.
‘As what?’ she asked.
‘What do you mean, “as what?” There’s no question – you’d be a full professor.’
‘I don’t understand.’
‘I guarantee you – Stanford, Berkeley, San Francisco – they’d all fight to get you on their faculties. And trust me, I’ve got pull in California.’
Then slowly it began to dawn on her. ‘Are you actually saying that – except for a jump in my academic rank – things between us would be just the same?’
‘Absolutely. We’d be like a married couple.’
‘Only Claire would still be Mrs Jaffe and I’d be like a second car.’
‘No—’ he began to protest.
‘That’s what you’re asking, isn’t it? You want me to drop everything I’ve accomplished in Washington – to go and be your geisha girl.’
‘I thought you loved me, Laura.’
‘I thought so, too, Marsh. But since you’re not a Mormon or a Moslem, you’re not entitled to more than one wife – and I refuse to settle for only half a husband.’
‘Hey, for God’s sake, Laura, can’t you appreciate what a bind I’m in? My two kids are already screwed up. Can you imagine what it would do to their heads if I divorced their sick mother? I mean, I’m a bastard – but God knows I’m not that much of a bastard.’
She did not know how to react. She wanted desperately to be ‘legitimized,’ yet in a way she could understand his quandary. And could even grudgingly respect his refusal to hurt his already-wounded family.
‘I don’t know, Marshall,’ she said, stalling for time.
And then he questioned her motives. ‘Or are you still too dazzled by the Washington limelight to exile yourself to the provincial vineyards of California?’
‘I’m entitled to a career, dammit!’ she retorted indignantly.
‘How the hell would this compromise your career? Berkeley’s not exactly the boondocks. In fact, if you’ve been keeping up with the academic scene, you should know most of its graduate departments now outrank Fair Harvard.’
‘It’s not that,’ she protested, unwilling to concede that he was even partially right. And then she added softly, ‘Look, one of these mornings I’m going to wake up and suddenly discover I’m over the hill, and I just might want to have a baby before then. I mean, look at your hero’s philosophy.’
She pointed to the tall majestic panel engraved with Jefferson’s famous description of man’s inalienable rights to ‘Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.’
He waited for a moment and said almost in a whisper, ‘Laura, you’re asking too much. You’re not being fair—’
‘Fair? You’re talking to me about fair?’ She was so incensed that she nearly told him of the deal she had struck with Rhodes. But somehow it no longer seemed to matter.
‘Laura, do you think I like the cards life has dealt me? Don’t you think I would change things if I could? And can’t you even meet me halfway?’
‘You mean like Chicago?’ she joked bitterly.
For a moment they just stood there looking into each other’s eyes. The monument was empty and so quiet that their breathing seemed to echo in the dome.
‘Well,’ she said wearily, ‘scientifically speaking, I’d say our relationship can best be described by the second law of thermodynamics – it’s just about run out of energy. Otherwise stated, I can see now that you’ve got to stay with Claire. But I also know that I’ve got to stay away from you. Goodbye, Marshall.’
She turned and started off. He called after her.
‘Laura, please – are you sure we can’t—’
Moments later she was out of earshot and kept walking down the many steps of the memorial into the darkening twilight.
And kept descending. To a depth of sadness she had never known before.
She was proud of herself.
Laura felt distraught, depressed, nearly suicidal. But she was nevertheless proud that she had not broken down in front of Marshall, for whose career she had just immolated her own. It took all her strength to keep from phoning Barney during office hours. She knew he usually got home around eight. She’d call a little later.
But suppose he had a date? If he got back at midnight he wouldn’t want me to disturb him then, either, she thought. Shit, I’m going crazy.
At that very moment the phone rang.
‘Castellano, what the hell’s the matter with you?’
If ever she had doubted the existence of ESP, she was now a true believer.
‘Hi, Barn,’ she said in a voice that could not help disguise the deadness of her soul.
‘Hey, I’m not interrupting something, am I? I mean, I wouldn’t want to cramp the style of that tennis-playing asshole. Has he made you boycott me or something? I mean, you haven’t called in weeks. Is everything okay?’
‘Fine, fine,’ she answered mechanically.
‘Hey, kiddo, your enthusiasm sounds pretty underwhelming. What’s up?’
Nothing’s up,’ she answered. And then, still unable to reveal her pain, she said obliquely, ‘You might say everything’s down.’
She paused for a moment and then asked, ‘It just occurred to me, are you alone?’
‘Yes. At the moment, anyway. Ursula’s coming a little later.’
‘Who’s Ursula?’
‘Oh, you should see her, Castellano. She’s Holland’s gift to cardiology – and my heart in particular. In fact, tonight’s encounter might decide the gold medal in the Livingston Matrimonial Olympics.’
‘Then I’d better hang up,’ Laura said apologetically, her tone more leaden than ever.
‘Aw, come on, Castellano, what’s the problem?’
‘Are you sitting down?’ she asked.
‘Why, is this going to shock me?’
‘No, but it might take a while.’
As Barney carried the phone over to an easy chair, he answered gently, ‘Laura, take all the time you need. I’m a professional listener, remember? Come on – spill.’
At that moment her emotional dam cracked.
After nearly forty minutes he cut her off. ‘Hey look, Castellano, I’ve got to rush to the airport.’
‘Oh, sure,’ she responded apologetically, ‘you’re meeting Ursula.’
‘Negative – she lives two blocks away. I want to catch the last shuttle to Washington.’
‘No, Barn – please don’t. I’m okay. I really am.’
‘That’s for me to judge. You just better be there at the other end to meet me. Meanwhile, do not drink. Do not take a pill. Do not even drive. Take a friendly taxi and be waiting for me. And wear a red rose so I can recognize you.’
‘What about your patients?’ she asked in a semi-chiding tone.
‘Hey, kiddo, don’t you even know what day it is? Tomorrow’s Saturday. The
couch doesn’t work weekends. So like it or lump it, I’m on my way.’
Although subconsciously she had hoped for this, Laura protested weakly, ‘But what about Ursula?’
‘No sweat. I’ll explain it to her. She’s used to my antics – she’ll understand. You just be there,’ he commanded.
As Barney was stuffing clothes into an overnight case, Dr Ursula de Groot let herself in.
‘Were you planning to elope tonight?’ she challenged.
‘Listen, Urse, sit down for a second. I’ve got a short time to tell a long story.’
He did his best to impress upon her the urgency of his mission of mercy. But somehow the flaxen-haired cardiologist was not convinced.
‘I hate Laura,’ she said bitterly.
‘Why?’ Barney asked as he hastily snapped shut his valise.
‘Isn’t it obvious?’ she replied, holding out her key to his apartment. ‘Here, you’d better take it back. I think Ms Castellano needs it more than I do.’
47
Laura did not breathe for the next two hours. At least it felt that way. It was only the hope of seeing Barney that kept her minimally functioning.
She was waiting in the arrival lounge when he hurried in from the tarmac, jacket lapels pulled up to protect him from the cold wind.
His first glance at Laura made him ache. She looked sheet-white and so vulnerable, as if she had wept away all her energy.
‘Hi, thanks for coming,’ he said, hugging her.
‘Shouldn’t that be my line?’ she asked weakly.
‘Okay, take it if you want it. But where are we having dinner?’
‘At eleven at night?’ she asked.
‘I’ll bet you haven’t eaten yet, have you?’
She shook her head. ‘I wasn’t hungry.’
‘Well, be anorexic on your own time. I’m starving, and I’ve gotta get some pasta in me fast or I’ll die of starvation.’
They were standing on the curb now. As a cab pulled forward and Laura climbed in, Barney asked the driver, ‘What’s the best Italian joint between here and the Mason-Dixon line?’
‘Well, I take a lot of people to Pasquale’s in Georgetown.’
‘Then take us, too.’
He got into the cab and they zoomed off.
‘I am sorry, signore, but I do not see a reservation for Yehudi and Hepzibah Menuhin.’
‘Well, I’m very sorry,’ Barney retorted in his best imitation of artistic temperament. ‘Our impresario assured us that he’d made arrangements. Can’t you manage even a small table in the back?’
‘Mi dispiace, signore. Even if I could, you are both lacking the proper attire.’
He did not for a minute think he was dealing with the great violinist and his sister. And in any case, Pasquale’s had a sartorial as well as a gastronomic reputation to uphold.
‘Listen, Captain,’ Barney said, ‘I want to tell you the truth. I’m a medical doctor and this woman is in carbohydrate shock. If we don’t get some fettuccine into her fast she may die right here. And that certainly wouldn’t be good for your business.’
The captain, fed up with debating, was about to call Rocco, the barman-bouncer, when one of the elegant diners – a tall, gray-haired man whose attention had been caught by the animated recitativo – came to the rescue.
‘Is there any problem here, Pasquale?’ he asked, and quickly turned to great Laura. ‘Nice to see you, Dr Castellano.’
‘Nice to see you, Senator Otis. This is my friend, Dr Barney Livingston.’
‘Hello, Doctor. Would you two care to join us for a drink?’ the lawmaker asked hospitably.
‘Actually,’ Laura replied, ‘we were about to leave. They don’t seem to have a table for us.’
The Senator frowned at Pasquale. ‘Are you quite sure, padrone? Dr Castellano is a very important staff member at the NIH. She’s probably been on an emergency call and was unable to change. I’m sure you can bend the rules just this once.’
Not wishing to risk Congressional disapproval, Pasquale withdrew his veto and murmured, ‘Actually, we were holding a table for two but the clients appear to be late. Would you come this way, please?’
Laura smiled gratefully at Otis, who reiterated, ‘You’re still welcome to join Amanda and me – even if it’s just for coffee.’
‘Another time, Senator,’ Laura replied. ‘Dr Livingston and I have to discuss an important case. But I’m very grateful for your help.’
‘Not at all, Laura. Any time I can be of assistance, just call my office.’
As they were being led to their (excellently placed) booth, Barney glanced over at the Senator’s table and commented, ‘Jeez, that guy has a beautiful daughter.’
‘She’s not his daughter,’ Laura replied matter-of-factly.
‘His wife?’
‘Guess again, Livingston,’ she retorted.
‘Wow! Is that one of the perks of being a U.S. Senator?’
Laura nodded affirmatively. ‘I told you the ratio of women to men in this city is five to one. So imagine the possibilities.’
‘Yeah,’ Barney answered, ‘that means every guy could have his own girls’ basketball team.’
After ordering fettuccine and a large, straw-bottomed fiasco of Chianti Ruffino, Barney got down to the serious business of his troubled friend.
He made her recount all the details of the Rhodes-Karvonen skullduggery – sometimes even jotting down notes, which he assured her would be useful for his work-in-progress on the mind of the physician. From there it was a short step – down – to Marshall Jaffe.
‘I know this sounds sanctimonious, Castellano,’ he preached. ‘But as I’ve told you maybe a million times, one complete human being deserves another complete human being. Love isn’t a part-time job.’
‘That’s a good line,’ she responded. ‘You ought to use it in your book.’
‘I already have,’ he smiled. ‘But it bears repetition. When the hell are you going to believe that you’re a terrific person who deserves a terrific marriage and terrific children?’
‘I won’t have any children. I don’t believe in marriage. I don’t even believe in love.’
‘Bullshit, Castellano! I don’t believe you don’t believe. You know, Hippocrates said—’
‘Screw Hippocrates. He didn’t have to live in Washington.’
‘Neither do you, for that matter. Have you thought about what you’re going to do after July?’
She shook her head.
‘I don’t know. Every so often some med school writes to see if I’m interested in a job. Columbia P & S asked me to head a new neonatology program. Last time I heard, they still hadn’t filled the slot.’
‘That’s great,’ he exclaimed. ‘Then you’ll be in New York.’
‘Yeah,’ she said glumly, ‘that’s the drawback. It’s the worst city in the world to be alone in.’
‘How can you say that, Castellano? I’m there, aren’t I?’
‘Yeah, sure. But you have Ursula to take care of. You don’t need me around. It’s just that the idea of starting over in a new place really scares me. And at the moment there are too many black clouds in my mind to think of next week, much less next year.’
‘I can imagine,’ he said softly. ‘You probably feel like walking straight into the sea – like Virginia Woolf. Am I right?’
‘Pretty close. I feel like a wounded animal that ought to be taken to the vet and put to sleep.’
‘That’s a pity. The world would lose a good doctor.’ He paused and said gently, ‘And I would lose my best friend.’
At this she raised her head and gazed into his eyes.
‘You’d never do that to me, would you, Castellano?’
She did not answer. But inwardly she acknowledged that he was still one of the few things worth living for.
‘Honest to God, Laura, you’ve gotta learn to be happy – even if it means taking lessons at Berlitz or something. I mean, I don’t know if you notice, but I can feel that fortieth bi
rthday breathing down my neck. I mean, by now we’re supposed to be middle-aged parents, worrying about the braces on our kids’ teeth – and stuff like that. At the rate time is moving I feel like I’m in a crucial basketball game and playing so damn hard that when I finally look up at the clock I’ll have only thirty seconds left …’
She merely nodded.
They talked on until at last they were the only patrons in the restaurant. A cordon of waiters stood around them, emitting polite coughs.
‘Seems to be a lot of bronchial problems among the personnel here, don’t you think, Dr Castellano?’
‘Barney, you’re smashed,’ she replied.
‘So are you,’ he countered.
‘Then why don’t we leave?’
‘Because I don’t think I can stand up, that’s why.’
By some miracle they were able to pour themselves into a taxi and head for Bethesda.
‘I hope you don’t mind sleeping on the Castro,’ Laura said, her speech blurry but her mood lifted.
‘Not at all,’ he replied, ‘I regard sleeping on a memento of the great Fidel as a sort of homage to Luis.’
Half an hour later Laura unlocked her apartment door and asked, ‘Do you want some coffee, Barn?’
‘Actually,’ he said apologetically, ‘I sobered up during the ride, and since I’m gonna have a headache anyway …’
He did not need to finish the sentence. Laura merely smiled, went to the refrigerator, and withdrew a bottle – the one she had originally intended to share with Marshall.
They sat facing each other and continued to pour out their thoughts.
‘Barney, something you said this evening bothers me – something about us both being unhappy.’
‘Yeah – what’s so astonishing about that?’
‘It wasn’t news to me that I’m incapable of happiness – but I thought at least you were okay. I mean, you were analyzed and everything.’
‘Analysis makes you aware. It doesn’t automatically make you stop acting in the way you’ve discovered to be selfdestructive. No, Castellano, I’ve been thinking all tonight how ironic it is that we’ve both made it in the outside world and yet screwed up in our private lives. Was it maybe the fluoride in the Brooklyn water?’
They sat in silence.