Chapter Twenty
Long after Charles had left, Melanie walked down the driveway and picked up the hat he’d discarded. She brushed it off, then hugged it to her stomach.
Why is it that every time I feel like I’m doing the right thing, it turns out so wrong?
She knew that he’d lost his brother and blamed himself for it. As soon as she’d voiced the question, she’d seen the memory of that day in his eyes and regret had ripped through her. I didn’t mean it the way he took it. I was looking for reassurance—for him to say that of course he would love my son.
Not to imply that he couldn’t.
Melanie returned to the steps of her house and sat down, laying the hat beside her. She spoke aloud as if Charles were there to hear her. “I don’t want to feel bad about myself anymore. I don’t want to make you feel badly about who you are. I never meant to do that. I’m so tired of being wrong.” She looked down at his hat. “I’m sorry.”
“Mama, who are you talking to?” Jace bounded up the steps. The bus driver waved to Melanie from the end of the driveway before pulling away.
Melanie forced a smile. “Myself, I guess.”
“Guess what?” Jace asked as he plopped down beside her.
“What?”
“Miss Jeanine said it’s Friday and Friday is my favorite day. You know why?”
“Why?”
“No school Saturday and no school Sunday.”
“I thought you liked school.”
Jace shrugged. “I like recess.” He thought about it more and said, “And lunch.”
Melanie almost began a lecture, then stopped herself when she realized that the advice she was about to give sounded an awful lot like something her father would say. She wanted to be more like her parents, but perhaps not down to every detail. She winked at her son. “I believe those were my favorite subjects, too.”
Jace smiled up at her. “Math is fun, too, because sometimes the teacher lets us eat what we count. Brian ate his M&M’S before he counted them and Miss Jeanine made him count crayons the next time. He didn’t care. He ate the crayons.”
“Does Miss Jeanine know that?”
Jace shrugged. “His teeth were green.”
Looks like I’ll be calling someone’s teacher. “You don’t eat the crayons, do you?”
“Not at school. Those are dirty.”
“Don’t eat them anywhere. Crayons aren’t good for you.”
“David said they are not topic, so it’s okay to eat them.”
“You mean nontoxic, and that doesn’t mean they are good for you. You’re going to make yourself sick if you keep eating them.” She shook a finger sternly at him, even though she thought his stubborn expression was hilarious. “If I catch you so much as nibbling on one, I’m throwing them all away, understood?”
“Yes, ma’am.”
“And I’ll talk to David. He needs to explain to you what he meant by saying they were okay to eat.”
Jace shrugged. “Am I in trouble?”
Melanie sighed. “No. Not unless you’ve been eating the laundry, too. Why can’t I find half your socks?”
A wide grin spread across Jace’s face. “That’s Tibby. He eats them, then he poops them outside. It’s really gross.”
I do not need that image in my head.
In response to his mother’s silence, Jace added, “Maybe you should have David talk to him, too.”
Melanie looked down at her son and couldn’t keep a straight face when he continued to grin up at her. “Maybe I will,” she said and tickled him.
He rolled on the stair next to her, howling with laughter, then sat up and hugged her. Melanie hugged him back. She’d made so many mistakes in her life, but she never had and never would consider Jace one of them.
She wasn’t sure what to do about Charles, but something he’d said echoed in her thoughts: “I don’t know much about love or how any of this is supposed to work, but I’m here and I’m trying.”
Which just about sums up my parenting style.
“Which horse are you riding at Tony’s tonight?”
“Red Dusk.”
“Then we’d better go get our chores done and get on over there.”
They stood and walked into the house together. Tibby whined a greeting at Jace and ran circles around him. As soon as they entered the kitchen, Melanie spotted the empty ice tray still on the counter beside the refrigerator. She hastily tossed it into the sink, quickly checking the room for any other evidence.
Forget about this morning.
Forget about him.
Some things aren’t meant to be.
Charles stood beside his sister while one of Carlton’s ranch hands saddled a horse for him. He’d almost made it back to his hotel room before he’d turned around and headed back. Giving up was not in his character.
Evaluate the obstacle. Study it. Destroy it.
In this particular case, the obstacle was Melanie’s belief that he didn’t care about her son. He could understand how she’d come to that conclusion, and once he acknowledged that to himself, he wasn’t angry anymore.
He was determined.
Sarah hopped in excitement beside him. Barely shoulder height to him, his irrepressible sister beamed a smile up at him. She’d been trying to get him on a horse ever since she bought her own. “You’re really going to do this?”
“I’m getting on a horse, not jumping off a building. I’m sure I’ll be fine.”
“You might even like it.”
Charles sighed. “Doubtful. I don’t understand the lure. Motorcycles go faster and handle better. Cars provide better protection from the elements. People rode horses in the past because they had to. There wasn’t an alternative. I can’t think of a sane reason why anyone would need to be on one anymore.”
“For the same reason people create art—the sheer pleasure of it. It’s all about the experience. Riding them isn’t like driving a vehicle. Cars don’t care about you. They don’t have good days or bad days.”
“I’d say that’s a good thing.”
“Really? Isn’t life without a challenge boring? Riding a horse is like starting a relationship. You have to listen to each other and build trust. Don’t be disappointed if your first ride isn’t the best. Relationships don’t happen in a day.”
One thing his sister had never been was subtle. “Why do I feel that this is leading into a lecture I don’t want to hear?”
She stuffed her hands into the front pockets of her jeans and swayed back and forth. “I saw your car at Melanie’s house today.”
Charles watched a ranch hand saddle and bridle what looked like a tame enough horse. He wasn’t ready to discuss his relationship, or lack of one, with anyone yet. Drop it.
“And since she’s not here with you now, I was concerned that—”
“Sarah—”
“I know you don’t want to talk about it,” she said but continued anyway. “I just want you to be happy. Melanie is a lot like you. She has a tough exterior, but beneath that she’s also a big softie.
Melanie fit that description, but it wasn’t how Charles saw himself. Raising one brow, Charles looked down at his sister. “That’s how you see me?”
Sarah grinned. “Yep. I’m on to you now. I used to think you only called and used that dictator tone because you thought you were smarter than me. It always drove me nuts. But I’ve realized that it’s the only way you know how to express that you love me. You locked everything up inside, Charlie. Just like I did. I know how hard it is to let go of the past, but you have to. It’s time. It doesn’t have to control you anymore. Texas freed me. I found myself here. I’m finally happy. I want that for you.”
“I’m happy.”
“Are you?”
Charles didn’t want to lie twice. “I will be once I get back to New York.”
“With or without Melanie?”
“With. She and Jace are coming back with me.”
Sarah chewed her lip. “It’s not going to
be easy, Charlie. They love it here. Do you have to make them choose?”
“My life is in New York.”
“Your life is wherever you find happiness, Charlie. I’ve never seen you fail at anything. If you want to be here, even part-time, you can be. There is always a way if you want something badly enough.”
A compromise. Such a simple solution he’d failed to consider. He realized that it didn’t have to be all or nothing as he’d laid it out for Melanie. He’d succeeded at less likely scenarios. He would find a way to make this one work. In an uncharacteristically affectionate move, Charles hugged his sister and was rewarded with a bone-crushing hug in return. Behind her, he saw the ranch hand trying to contain his amusement while waiting with horse in hand.
Charles stepped away from his sister. “Bring on the stallion.”
The young man with the horse drawled, “He’s gelded and he’s twenty-seven. My grandma could ride him and she uses a walker.”
Nothing was going to diminish the euphoria Charles felt now that he had a solution he could implement. Not even a young cowboy who was clearly amused by the idea of Charles attempting anything equine related. Luckily, Charles didn’t waste much energy on what most people thought of him. He looked the aged horse in the eye and joked, “I believe we’ve both been insulted.”
Tony spoke behind him. “I didn’t think you’d show up.”
With one hand patting the horse’s neck, Charles turned to his future brother-in-law. “How could I miss the chance to try your finest steed?”
Tony tipped his head down, but Charles saw the smile he hadn’t concealed in time. “I considered something livelier, but this is your first lesson and Sarah would miss you if you got yourself killed.”
“Just tell me how to ride the damn thing,” Charles said.
Tony gave Charles basic instructions on how to mount and how to hold the reins. He led him through simple cues to get the horse to move and stop. Then he said, “Most important thing to remember is that every part of your body is communicating something to the horse. Today you’re on one that’s smart enough to ignore most of the bullshit that comes out of you. Another horse might get nervous right along with you, just for tensing up your legs. Keep your hands light and your legs lighter. He knows what to do. You’re the one learning.”
Charles bit back the first retort that came in his head. He figured Tony was trying to get a rise out of him, but the day ahead was too important. It wasn’t about learning to ride and they both knew it. It was just as Sarah had said. If he wanted Melanie, he would have to find a way to fit into her world just as he was asking her to fit into his.
Riding this horse was about building relationships. If Sarah could find something good on that ranch, then Charles was determined to, also.
Tony stood on the inside of the paddock, but off to one side. Charles had the feeling that although he was leaning back against the railing, Tony would intervene quickly if the ride took a bad turn. It made Charles see him in a new light.
Jace trotted up beside him on a much younger horse. “You do ride,” he said quietly.
“If by riding you mean that I haven’t fallen off yet, then yes,” Charles said with some self-deprecating humor.
Charles searched the perimeter of the large fenced riding ring. There she was, the woman he’d tried to forget and now was willing to do anything to win.
Even ride a damn horse.
As if she could read his thoughts, Melanie smiled and Charles nearly walked his horse into the fence. In all the world, there was not a more beautiful woman.
Jace kept pace beside him and looked him over critically. “First time?”
In love? Yes.
Charles gripped the horn of the saddle tighter as the realization of what he’d just admitted to himself sank in. I’m in love with Melanie.
He looked at the young boy on the horse beside him—really looked at him for the first time. He had the same serious expression in his eyes that Melanie often did. The same measured stare. Although the boy was small, he rode with confidence.
“On a horse?” Charles asked, then answered before waiting for Jace to respond. “How can you tell?”
“You’re holding on to the horn. Everybody does that when they start. I did it when I was four, but now I’m five. Five-year-olds don’t need to hold on.”
Charles let his hand drop from the saddle horn. He hadn’t realized he’d been clinging to the saddle. “It’s a lot to learn. Did Tony teach you to ride?”
Jace scratched the hair on the back of his neck as he considered the question. “I don’t know. I think I was born riding. But Tony shows me how to do it better. Is he teaching you?”
Charles glanced across the ring at the man who was still watching him silently while still leaning back against the railing. He’d said nothing since Charles had walked off on the horse, and he didn’t look as if he was preparing to say much more. “You could say that.”
“You’re lucky. People come here all the time asking Tony to teach them stuff and he doesn’t say yes much. He doesn’t like many people.”
“Really?” Charles asked and hid a smile. “I wouldn’t have guessed that.”
Jace’s chest puffed up with pride. “I’m good with horses, just like he is.” He demonstrated a few moves on his horse, then fell into step beside Charles again.
Charles wasn’t just being polite when he complimented Jace. The boy rode with a skill Charles doubted he’d acquire no matter how many hours he forced himself into a saddle. Jace could stop his horse without using the reins and turn him the same way. It was something to admire, and Charles finally understood why trotting a horse through Central Park would not be enough for Jace.
“Mama said it’s okay if you don’t know how to fish. She said you don’t have a place to do it in the city.” His next words stole Charles’s heart. “I could teach you, if you’d like.”
Charles cleared his throat. “I’d like that. I used to fish when I was your age.”
“You did?” Jace asked in surprise.
“I didn’t always live in the city,” Charles said. Memories of his youth came wafting back, but for once they didn’t sadden him. “When I was your age, my parents had a lake house and we went there every weekend.”
“In Rhode Island?”
“Yes, I’m surprised you know that.”
“Sarah told me that’s where you’re from. She said it’s a small place. I want to see it someday. Is everything there tiny?”
Charles chuckled. “No, the state is small, but everything in it is regular size.”
“Oh,” Jace said in obvious disappointment. “Are your parents in heaven?”
With a jolt of surprise, Charles shook his head. “No, why would you ask that?”
Jace shrugged his small shoulders. “Sarah told my mom that you don’t see your parents anymore. My dad is in heaven and so is Sandy. Sandy was my dog, but he died.”
“My parents still live in Rhode Island,” Charles said awkwardly. Talking to a five-year-old was a whole new experience for Charles and one he wasn’t sure how to navigate. He chose what he hoped was a safe subject. “I had a dog when I was your age. His name was Moose.”
The boy nodded, then said, “Is he in heaven now?”
“Yes.”
“I bet there are a lot of dogs in heaven.”
“I bet you’re right.”
“I hope my dad likes dogs.”
The simplicity of the boy’s love for a father he’d never met touched Charles deeply. He understood loss and remembered too clearly how he’d struggled to make sense of his own—even though he’d been much older when he’d experienced it. “I’m sure he does.”
They rode halfway around the ring before Jace spoke again. “I shouldn’t have said I don’t like you. Mama was sad I said it.”
With emotion clogging his throat, Charles said, “It’s okay. You don’t know me yet. I hope you give me a chance to change that opinion.”
“David told Tony yo
u’re the type that takes getting used to.”
“He did?” Charles asked wryly. He’d have to remember to watch what he said since Jace was mentally recording it all.
“Yep, and David knows everything. He’s not as good with horses as Tony is, but no one is. Tony speaks horse.”
A mix of feelings welled within Charles as he listened to Jace talk about the men he idolized. He was glad that, although Jace would never meet his father, he had grown up with strong male role models. The conversation also made Charles miss his own father in a way he had never allowed himself to. He remembered believing his father was just as infallible as Jace thought David and Tony were.
Charles realized he was now about the age his parents had been when Phil died. He’d always looked at the tragedy in terms of what it had done to him and Sarah, but he never really considered how his father and mother must have felt.
They’d never said anything, so he assumed they didn’t feel anything, either. But had the past tied them up as it had Charles?
Memories of stilted conversations with them over the years came back in a rush.
He thought of the last time he’d seen them in person. Sarah had expressed a need to see photographs of Phil, and Charles had traveled back to Rhode Island to retrieve them. He’d briefly outlined why he wanted them. His father had gone into the basement. He and Charles’s mother hadn’t exchanged a single word until his father returned with a large box of photo albums.
Albums he’d later looked through with Sarah. At the time, he’d resented how the pictures had brought that chapter of his life vividly back to him.
He was beginning to think he should be grateful to Sarah for forcing him to remember. Sarah didn’t live by any else’s rules. She didn’t care if a topic made someone uncomfortable. She plowed through life with an unyielding optimism and openness that Charles was only now beginning to admire.
Sarah understands love. I hope I can one day claim the same.
“You like my mom a lot?” Jace asked while they approached Melanie, who was leaning against the outside of the fencing.
She must have heard, because her eyes snapped to Charles.
Charles answered Jace, but in a volume he knew would carry to Melanie. “Yes, I do.”