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I said, "Say, Jacob, I want to thank you for what you did the other night. Making that phone call. "
"Oh, well," he said.
"No, that was terrific," I said. "I really appreciate it. "
I went upstairs and got ready for bed. I was tired and felt out of breath. For a moment, just before sleep came, I experienced again that odd sensation of having lost something. But what could I have lost?
I thought, Seven days. You had seven sober days and most of an eighth, and you lost them. Theyre gone.
Chapter 8
I bought the News the next morning. A new atrocity had already driven Kim Dakkinen off the front page. Up in Washington Heights a young surgeon, a resident at Columbia Presbyterian, had been shot dead in a robbery attempt on Riverside Drive. He hadnt resisted his assailant, who had shot him for no apparent reason. The victims widow was expecting their first child in early February.
The call-girl slashing was on an inside page. I didnt learn anything I hadnt heard the previous night from Durkin.
I walked around a lot. At noon I dropped over to the Y but got restless and left during the qualification. I had a pastrami sandwich at a Broadway deli and drank a bottle of Prior Dark with it. I had another beer around dinnertime. At eight-thirty I went over to St. Pauls, walked once around the block and returned to my hotel without entering the basement meeting room. I made myself stay in my room. I felt like a drink, but Id had two beers and I decided that two drinks a day would be my ration. As long as I didnt exceed that quota I didnt see how I could get in trouble. It didnt matter whether I had them first thing in the morning or last thing at night, in my room or at a bar, alone or in company.
The following day, Wednesday, I slept late and ate a late breakfast at Armstrongs. I walked to the main library and spent a couple hours there, then sat in Bryant Park until the drug dealers got on my nerves. Theyve so completely taken over the parks that they assume only a potential customer would bother coming there, so you cant read a paper without being constantly offered uppers and downers and pot and acid and God knows what else.
I went to the eight-thirty meeting that night. Mildred, one of the regulars, got a round of applause when she announced that it was her anniversary, eleven years since her last drink. She said she didnt have any secret, she just did it a day at a time.
I thought that if I went to bed sober Id have one day. I decided, what the hell, Id do that. After the meeting I went over to Pollys Cage instead and had my two drinks. I got into a discussion with a guy and he wanted to buy me a third drink, but I told the bartender to make it Coke instead. I was quietly pleased with myself, knowing my limit and sticking to it.
Thursday I had a beer with dinner, went to the meeting and left on the break. I stopped in at Armstrongs but something kept me from ordering a drink there and I didnt stay long. I was restless, I walked in and out of Farrells and Pollys without ordering a drink in either place. The liquor store down the block from Pollys was still open. I bought a fifth of J. W. Dant and took it back to my room.
I took a shower first and got ready for bed. Then I broke the seal on the bottle, poured about two ounces of bourbon in a water glass, drank it down and went to sleep.
Friday I had another two ounces first thing when I got out of bed. I really felt the drink and it was a good feeling. I went all day without having another. Then around bedtime I had one more and fell asleep.
Saturday I awoke clearheaded with no desire for a morning drink. I couldnt get over how well I was controlling my drinking. I almost felt like going to a meeting and sharing my secret with them, but I could imagine the reaction Id get. Knowing looks, knowing laughter. Holier-than-thou sobriety. Besides, just because I could control my drinking didnt mean I was justified in recommending it to other people.
I had two drinks before bed. I barely felt them, but Sunday morning I woke up a little rocky and poured myself a generous eye-opener to start the day. It did the job. I read the paper, then checked the meeting book and found an afternoon meeting in the Village. I went down there on the subway. The crowd was almost entirely gay. I left at the break.
I went back to the hotel and took a nap. After dinner I finished reading the paper and decided to have my second drink. I poured two or three ounces of bourbon into my glass and drank it off. I sat down and read some more but I couldnt concentrate very well on what I was reading. I thought of having another drink but I reminded myself Id already had two that day.
Then I realized something. Id had my morning drink more than twelve hours ago. More time had elapsed since then than had separated it from my last drink the night before. So that drink had long since left my system, and shouldnt properly be counted as part of todays drinks.
Which meant I was entitled to another drink before I went to bed.
I was pleased with having figured that out, and decided to reward myself for my insight by making the drink a respectable one. I filled the water glass to within a half inch of the top and took my time drinking it, sitting in my chair with it like a model in one of those Man of Distinction ads. I had the sense to realize that it was the number of drinks that was significant, not their size, and then it struck me that Id cheated myself. My first drink, if you could call it that, had been a short measure. In a sense, I owed myself about four ounces of bourbon.
I poured what I judged to be four ounces and drained the glass.
I was pleased to note that the drinks hadnt had any discernible effect on me. I certainly wasnt drunk. As a matter of fact, I felt better than Id felt in a long time. Too good, in fact, to sit around the room. Id go out, find a congenial spot, have a Coke or a cup of coffee. Not a drink, because in the first place I didnt want any more and, just as important, Id already had my two drinks for the day.
I had a Coke at Pollys. On Ninth Avenue I had a glass of ginger ale at a gay bar called Kid Gloves. Some of the other drinkers looked faintly familiar, and I wondered if any of them had been at the meeting that afternoon in the Village.
A block further downtown I realized something. Id been controlling my drinking for days now, and before that Id been off the sauce entirely for over a week, and that proved something. Hell, if I could limit myself to two drinks a day, that was fairly strong evidence that I didnt need to limit myself to two drinks a day. Id had my problems with alcohol in the past, I couldnt very well deny it, but evidently I had outgrown that stage in my life.
So, although I certainly didnt need another drink, I could just as certainly have one if I wanted one. And I did want one, as a matter of fact, so why not have it?
I went into the saloon and ordered a double bourbon with water back. I remember the bartender had a shiny bald head, and I remember him pouring the drink, and I remember picking it up.
Thats the last thing I remember.
Chapter 9
I woke up suddenly, consciousness coming on abruptly and at top volume. I was in a hospital bed.
That was the first shock. The second came a little later when I found out it was Wednesday. I couldnt remember anything after I picked up that third drink Sunday night.
Id had occasional blackouts for years. Sometimes Id lose the last half hour of the night. Sometimes Id lose a few hours.
Id never lost two whole days before.
They didnt want to let me go. Id been admitted late the previous night and they wanted to keep me in detox for a full five days.
An intern said, "The booze isnt even out of your system yet. Youll walk around the corner and pick up a drink five minutes after you get out of here. "
"No I wont. "
"You just went through detox here a couple of weeks ago. Its on your chart. We cleaned you up and how long did you last?"
I didnt say anything.
"You know how you got here last night? You had a convulsion, a full-scale grand mal seizure. Ever have one of those before?"
"No. "
"Well, youll have them again. If you keep on d
rinking you can pretty much count on it. Not every time, but sooner or later. And sooner or later youll die of it. If you dont die of something else first. "
"Stop it. "
He grabbed me by the shoulder. "No, I wont stop it," he said. "Why the hell should I stop it? I cant be polite and considerate of your feelings and expect to cut through all your bullshit at the same time. Look at me. Listen to me. Youre an alcoholic. If you drink youll die. "
I didnt say anything.
He had it all figured out. I would spend ten days in detox. Then Id go to Smithers for twenty-eight days of alcoholic rehabilitation. He let up on that part when he found out I didnt have medical insurance or the couple of thousand dollars rehab would cost, but he was still holding out for a five-day stay in the detox ward.
"I dont have to stay," I said. "Im not going to drink. "
"Everybody says that. "
"In my case its true. And you cant keep me here if I dont agree to stay. You have to let me sign out. "
"If you do youll be signing out AMA. Against Medical Advice. "
"Than thats what Ill do. "
He looked angry for a moment. Then he shrugged. "Suit yourself," he said cheerfully. "Next time maybe youll listen to advice. "
"There wont be a next time. "
"Oh, therell be a next time, all right," he said. "Unless you fall on your face closer to some other hospital. Or die before you get here. "
* * *
The clothes they brought me were a mess, dirty from rolling in the street, the shirt and jacket stained with blood. Id been bleeding from a scalp wound when they brought me in and theyd stitched it up for me. I had evidently sustained the wound during the seizure, unless Id acquired it earlier in my adventures.
I had enough cash on me for the hospital bill. A minor miracle, that.
It had rained during the morning and the streets were still wet. I stood on the sidewalk and felt the confidence drain out of me. There was a bar right across the street. I had money in my pocket for a drink and I knew it would make me feel better.
I went back to my hotel instead. I had to get up the nerve to approach the desk and collect my mail and messages, as if Id done something shameful and owed some profound apology to the desk clerk. The worst of it was not knowing what I might have done during the time I was in blackout.
Nothing showed in the clerks expression. Maybe Id spent most of the lost time in my room, drinking in isolation. Maybe Id never returned to the hotel since I left it Sunday night.
I went upstairs and ruled out the latter hypothesis. Id evidently returned sometime either Monday or Tuesday, because Id finished the bottle of J. W. Dant and there was a half-full quart of Jim Beam on the bureau beside the empty Dant bottle. The dealers label indicated it was from a store on Eighth Avenue.
I thought, Well, heres the first test. Either you drink or you dont.
I poured the bourbon down the sink, rinsed out both bottles and put them in the trash.
The mail was all junk. I got rid of it and looked at my messages. Anita had called Monday morning. Someone named Jim Faber had called Tuesday night and left a number. And Chance had called once last night and once this morning.
I took a long hot shower and a careful shave and put on clean clothes. I threw out the shirt and socks and underwear Id worn home from the hospital and put the suit aside. Maybe the dry cleaner would be able to do something with it. I picked up my messages and went through them again.