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"And that hurts your reputation?"
"I dont see it helping it any. Theres other things. My girls are afraid. Kim got killed and the guy who did it is still out there. Suppose he repeats?"
"Kills another prostitute?"
"Kills another of mine," he said levelly. "Scudder, that killers a loaded gun and I dont know who hes pointed at. Maybe killing Kims a way for somebody to get at me. Maybe another girl of mine is next on his list. I know one thing. My business is hurting already. I told my girls not to take any hotel tricks, thats for starters, and not to take any new johns if theres anything funny about them. Thats like telling them to leave the phone off the hook. "
The waiter drifted over with a pot of coffee and refilled our cups. I still hadnt touched my English muffin and the melted butter was starting to congeal. I got him to take it away. Chance added milk to his coffee. I remembered sitting with Kim while she drank hers heavily diluted with cream and sugar.
I said, "Why me, Chance?"
"I told you. The cops arent going to kill themselves. The only way somebodys going to give this his best shot is if hes earning my money for it. "
"Theres other people who work private. You could hire a whole firm, get em working around the clock. "
"I never did like team sports. Rather see somebody go one on one. Sides, you got an inside track. You knew the woman. "
"I dont know how much of an edge that gives me. "
"And I know you. "
"Because you met me once?"
"And liked your style. That counts some. "
"Does it? The only thing you know about me is I know how to look at a boxing match. Thats not a whole lot. "
"Its something. But I know more than that. I know how you handle yourself. And Ive asked around, you know. A lot of folks know you and most of em said good things about you. "
I was silent for a minute or two. Then I said, "It could have been a psycho that killed her. Thats what he made it look like so maybe thats what it was. "
"Friday I learn she wants out of my string of girls. Saturday I tell her its cool. Sunday some crazy man flies in from Indiana and chops her up, just by coincidence. You figure?"
"Coincidences happen all the time," I said, "but no, I dont think it was coincidence. " God, I felt tired. I said, "I dont much want the case. "
"Why not?"
I thought, Because I dont want to have to do anything. I want to sit in a dark corner and turn the world off. I want a drink, damn it.
"You could use the money," he said.
That was true enough. I hadnt gotten all that much mileage out of my last fee. And my son Mickey needed braces on his teeth, and after that thered be something else.
I said, "Ive got to think it over. "
"All right. "
"I cant concentrate right now. I need a little time to sort out my thoughts. "
"How much time?"
Months, I thought. "A couple of hours. Ill call you sometime tonight. Is there a number where I can reach you or do I just call the service?"
"Pick a time," he said. "Ill meet you in front of your hotel. "
"You dont have to do that. "
"Its too easy to say no over the phone. I figure the odds are better face to face. Besides, if the answers yes well want to talk some. And youll want some money from me. "
I shrugged.
"Pick a time. "
"Ten?"
"In front of your hotel. "
"All right," I said. "If I had to answer now, itd be no. "
"Then its good you got until ten. "
He paid for the coffee. I didnt put up a fight.
I went back to the hotel and up to the room. I tried to think straight and couldnt. I couldnt seem to sit still, either. I kept moving from the bed to the chair and back again, wondering why I hadnt given him a final no right away. Now I had the aggravation of getting through the hours until ten oclock and then finding the resolve to turn down what he was offering.
Without thinking too much about what I was doing I put on my hat and coat and went around the corner to Armstrongs. I walked in the door not knowing what I was going to order. I went up to the bar and Billie started shaking his head when he saw me coming. He said, "I cant serve you, Matt. Im sorry as hell. "
I felt the color mounting in my face. I was embarrassed and I was angry. I said, "What are you talking about? Do I look drunk to you?"
"No. "
"Then how the hell did I get to be eighty-six around here?"
His eyes avoided mine. "I dont make the rules," he said. "Im not saying youre not welcome here. Coffee or a Coke or a meal, hell, youre a valued longtime customer. But Im not allowed to sell you booze. "
"Who says?"
"The boss says. When you were in here the other night-"
Oh, God. I said, "Im sorry about that, Billie. Ill tell you the truth, I had a couple of bad nights. I didnt even know I came in here. "
"Dont worry about it. "
Christ, I wanted to hide behind something. "Was I very bad, Billie? Did I make trouble?"
"Aw, shit," he said. "You were drunk, you know? It happens, right? I used to have this Irish landlady, I came in bagged one night and apologized the next day, and she would say, Jaysus, son, it could happen to a bishop. You didnt make any trouble, Matt. "
"Then-"
"Look," he said, and leaned forward. "Ill just repeat what I was told. He told me, he said, if the guy wants to drink himself to death I cant stop him, and if he wants to come in here hes welcome, but Im not selling him the booze. This isnt me talking, Matt. Im just saying what was said. "
"I understand. "
"If it was up to me-"
"I didnt come in for a drink anyway," I said. "I came in for coffee. "
"In that case-"
"In that case the hell with it," I said. "In that case I think what I want is a drink and it shouldnt be all that hard to find somebody willing to sell it to me. "
"Matt, dont take it that way. "
"Dont tell me how to take it," I said. "Dont give me that shit. "
There was something clean and satisfying about the rage I felt. I stalked out of there, my anger burning with a pure flame, and stood on the sidewalk trying to decide where to go for a drink.
Then someone was calling my name.
I turned. A fellow in an army jacket was smiling gently at me. I couldnt place him at first. He said it was good to see me and asked how I was doing, and then of course I knew who it was.
I said, "Oh, hi, Jim. Im okay, I guess. "
"Going to the meeting? Ill walk with you. "
"Oh," I said. "Gee, I dont think Im going to be able to make it tonight. I have to see a guy. "
He just smiled. Something clicked, and I asked him if his last name was Faber.
"Thats right," he said.
"You called me at the hotel. "
"Just wanted to say hello. Nothing important. "
"I didnt recognize the name. Otherwise I would have called you back. "
"Sure. You sure you dont want to tag along to the meeting, Matt?"
"I wish I could. Oh, Jesus. "
He waited.
"Ive been having a little trouble, Jim. "
"Thats not so unusual, you know. "
I couldnt look at him. I said, "I started drinking again. I went, I dont know, seven or eight days. Then I started again, and I was doing okay, you know, controlling it, and then one night I got into trouble. "
"You got in trouble when you picked up the first one. "
"I dont know. Maybe. "
"Thats why I called," he said gently. "I figured maybe you could use a little help. "
"You knew?"
"Well, you were in pretty rocky shape at the meeting Monday night. "
"I was at the meeting?"
"You dont remember, do you? I had a feeling you were in a blackout. "
"Oh my God. "
"Whats the matter?"
"I went there drunk? I showed up drunk at an AA meeting?"
He laughed. "You make it sound like a mortal sin. You think youre the first person who ever did that?"
I wanted to die. "But its terrible," I said.
"Whats so terrible?"
"I can never go back. I can never walk into that room. "
"Youre ashamed of yourself, arent you?"
"Of course. "
He nodded. "I was always ashamed of my blackouts. I didnt want to know about them and I was always afraid of what I might have done. Just for the record, you werent so bad. You didnt make trouble. You didnt talk out of turn. You spilled a cup of coffee-"
"Oh, God. "
"Its not as if you spilled it on anybody. You were just drunk, thats all. In case you were wondering, you didnt look to be having a very good time. Matter of fact, you looked pretty miserable. "
I found the courage to say, "I wound up in the hospital. "
"And youre out already?"
"I signed myself out this afternoon. I had a convulsion, thats how I got there. "
"Thatll do it. "
We walked a little ways in silence. I said, "I wouldnt be able to stay for the whole meeting. I have to meet a guy at ten oclock. "
"You could stay for most of the meeting. "
"I guess so. "
It seemed to me as though everybody was staring at me. Some people said hello to me and I found myself reading implications into their greetings. Others didnt say anything and I decided they were avoiding me because my drunkenness had offended them. I was so maddeningly self-conscious I wanted to jump out of my own skin.
I couldnt stay in my seat during the qualification. I kept going back to the coffee urn. I was sure my constant visits to the urn were drawing disapproval but I seemed irresistibly drawn to it.
My mind kept going off on tangents of its own. The speaker was a Brooklyn fireman and he had a very lively story but I couldnt keep my mind on it. He told how everyone in his firehouse had been a heavy drinker and how anyone who didnt drink that way got transferred out. "The captain was an alcoholic and he wanted to surround himself with other alcoholics," he explained. "He used to say, Give me enough drunken firemen and Ill put out any fire there is. And he was right. Man, we would do anything, we would go in anywhere, take any crazy goddamned chances. Because we were too drunk to know better. "
It was such a goddamned puzzle. Id been controlling my drinking and it had worked fine. Except when it didnt.
On the break I put a buck in the basket and went to the urn for still another cup of coffee. This time I managed to make myself eat an oatmeal cookie. I was back in my seat when the discussion started.
I kept losing the thread but it didnt seem to matter. I listened as well as I could and I stayed there as long as I could. At a quarter of ten I got up and slipped out the door as unobtrusively as possible. I had the feeling every eye in the place was on me and I wanted to assure them all that I wasnt going for a drink, that I had to meet somebody, that it was a business matter.