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"Mister? You okay?"
I blinked at the woman, then dug my wallet out of my pocket and found a twenty. "I want to make a phone call," I said. "From the booth right there on the corner. You take this and wait for me. All right?"
Maybe shed drive off with the twenty. I didnt really care. I walked to the corner, dropped a dime, stood there listening to the dial tone.
It was too late to call. What time was it? After two, much too late for a social call.
Hell, I could go to my room. All I had to do was stay put for an hour and Id be in the clear. At three the bars would close.
So? There was a deli that would sell me beer, legally or not. There was an after-hours on Fifty-first, way west between Eleventh and Twelfth. Unless it had closed by now; I hadnt been there in a long time.
There was a bottle of Wild Turkey in Kim Dakkinens front closet. And I had her key in my pocket.
That scared me. The booze was right there, accessible to me at any hour, and if I went there Id never stop after one or two drinks. Id finish the bottle, and when I did there were a lot of other bottles to keep it company.
I made my call.
Shed been sleeping. I heard that in her voice when she answered the phone.
I said, "Its Matt. Im sorry to call you so late. "
"Thats all right. What time is it? God, its after two. "
"Im sorry.
"Its all right. Are you okay, Matthew?
"No. "
"Have you been drinking?"
"No. "
"Then youre okay. "
"Im falling apart," I said. "I called you because it was the only way I could think of to keep from drinking. "
"You did the right thing. "
"Can I come over?"
There was a pause. Never mind, I thought. Forget it. One quick drink at Farrells before they closed, then back to the hotel. Never should have called her in the first place.
"Matthew, I dont know if its a good idea. Just take it an hour at a time, a minute at a time if you have to, and call me as much as you want. I dont mind if you wake me, but-"
I said, "I almost got killed half an hour ago. I beat a kid up and broke his legs for him. Im shaking like I never shook before in my life. The only thing thats going to make me feel right is a drink and Im afraid to take one and scared Ill do it anyway. I thought being with someone and talking with someone might get me through it but it probably wouldnt anyway, and Im sorry, I shouldnt have called. Im not your responsibility. Im sorry. "
"Wait!"
"Im here. "
"Theres a clubhouse on St. Marks Place where they have meetings all night long on the weekends. Its in the book, I can look it up for you. "
"Sure. "
"You wont go, will you?"
"I cant talk up at meetings. Forget it, Jan. Ill be all right. "
"Where are you?"
"Fifty-eighth and Ninth. "
"How long will it take you to get here?"
I glanced over at Armstrongs. My gypsy cab was still parked there. "Ive got a cab waiting," I said.
"You remember how to get here?"
"I remember. "
The cab dropped me in front of Jans six-story loft building on Lispenard. The meter had eaten up most of the original twenty dollars. I gave her another twenty to go with it. It was too much but I was feeling grateful, and could afford to be generous.
I rang Jans bell, two long and three short, and went out in front so that she could toss the key down to me. I rode the industrial elevator to the fifth floor and stepped out into her loft.
"That was quick," she said. "You really did have a cab waiting. "
Shed had time to dress. She was wearing old Lee jeans and a flannel shirt with a red-and-black checkerboard pattern. Shes an attractive woman, medium height, well fleshed, built more for comfort than for speed. A heart-shaped face, her hair dark brown salted with gray and hanging to her shoulders. Large well-spaced gray eyes. No makeup.
She said, "I made coffee. You dont take anything in it, do you?"
"Just bourbon. "
"Were fresh out. Go sit down, Ill get the coffee. "
When she came back with it I was standing by her Medusa, tracing a hair-snake with my fingertip. "Her hair reminded me of your girl here," I said. "She had blonde braids but she wrapped them around her head in a way that made me think of your Medusa. "
"Who?"
"A woman who got killed. I dont know where to start. "
"Anywhere," she said.
I talked for a long time and I skipped all over the place, from the beginning to that nights events and back and forth again. She got up now and then to get us more coffee, and when she came back Id start in where I left off. Or Id start somewhere else. It didnt seem to matter.
I said, "I didnt know what the hell to do with him. After Id knocked him out, after Id searched him. I couldnt have him arrested and I couldnt stand the thought of letting him go. I was going to shoot him but I couldnt do it. I dont know why. If Id just smacked his head against the wall a couple more times it might have killed him, and Ill tell you, Id have been glad of it. But I couldnt shoot him while he was lying there unconscious. "
"Of course not. "
"But I couldnt leave him there, I didnt want him walking the streets. Hed just get another gun and do it again. So I broke his legs. Eventually the bonesll knit and hell be able to resume his career, but in the meantime hes off the streets. " I shrugged. "It doesnt make any sense. But I couldnt think of anything else to do. "
"The important thing is you didnt drink. "
"Is that the important thing?"
"I think so. "
"I almost drank. If Id been in my own neighborhood, or if I hadnt reached you. God knows I wanted to drink. I still want to drink. "
"But youre not going to. "
"No. "
"Do you have a sponsor, Matthew?"
"No. "
"You should. Its a big help. "
"How?"
"Well, a sponsors someone you can call anytime, someone you can tell anything to. "
"You have one?"
She nodded. "I called her after I spoke to you. "
"Why?"
"Because I was nervous. Because it calms me down to talk to her. Because I wanted to see what she would say. "
"What did she say?"
"That I shouldnt have told you to come over. " She laughed. "Fortunately, you were already on your way. "
"What else did she say?"
The big gray eyes avoided mine. "That I shouldnt sleep with you. "
"Whyd she say that?"
"Because its not a good idea to have relationships during the first year. And because its a terrible idea to get involved with anybody whos newly sober. "
"Christ," I said. "I came over because I was jumping out of my skin, not because I was horny. "
"I know that. "
"Do you do everything your sponsor says?"
"I try to. "
"Who is this woman that shes the voice of God on earth?"
"Just a woman. Shes my age, actually shes a year and a half younger. But shes been sober almost six years. "
"Long time. "
"It seems like a long time to me. " She picked up her cup, saw it was empty, put it down again. "Isnt there someone you could ask to be your sponsor?"
"Is that how it works? You have to ask somebody?"
"Thats right. "
"Suppose I asked you?"
She shook her head. "In the first place, you should get a male sponsor. In the second place, I havent been sober long enough. In the third place were friends. "
"A sponsor shouldnt be a friend?"
"Not that kind of friend. An AA friend. In the fourth place, it ought to be somebody in your home group so you have frequent contact. "
I thought unwillingly of Jim. "Theres a guy I talk to sometimes. "
"Its important to pick someone you can talk to. "
"I dont know if I can talk to him. I suppose I could. "
"Do you respect his sobriety?"
"I dont know what that means. "
"Well, do you-"
"This evening I told him I got upset by the stories in the newspapers. All the crime in the streets, the things people keep doing to each other. It gets to me, Jan. "
"I know it does. "
"He told me to quit reading the papers. Why are you laughing?"
"Its just such a program thing to say. "
"People talk the damnedest crap. I lost my job and my mothers dying of cancer and Im going to have to have my nose amputated but I didnt drink today so that makes me a winner. "
"They really sound like that, dont they?"
"Sometimes. Whats so funny?"
" Im going to have my nose amputated. A nose amputated?"
"Dont laugh," I said. "Its a serious problem. "
A little later she was telling me about a member of her home group whose son had been killed by a hit-and-run driver. The man had gone to a meeting and talked about it, drawing strength from the group, and evidently it had been an inspirational experience all around. Hed stayed sober, and his sobriety had enabled him to deal with the situation and bolster the other members of his family while fully experiencing his own grief.
I wondered what was so wonderful about being able to experience your grief. Then I found myself speculating what would have happened some years ago if Id stayed sober after an errant bullet of mine ricocheted and fatally wounded a six-year-old girl named Estrellita Rivera. Id dealt with the resultant feelings by pouring bourbon on them. It had certainly seemed like a good idea at the time.
Maybe it hadnt been. Maybe there were no shortcuts, no detours. Maybe you had to go through things.
I said, "You dont worry about getting hit by a car in New York. But it happens here, the same as anywhere else. Did they ever catch the driver?"
"No. "
"He was probably drunk. They usually are. "
"Maybe he was in a blackout. Maybe he came to the next day and never knew what hed done. "
"Jesus," I said, and thought of that nights speaker, the man who stabbed his lover. "Eight million stories in the Emerald City. And eight million ways to die. "
"The naked city. "
"Isnt that what I said?"
"You said the Emerald City. "
"I did? Where did I get that from?"
"The Wizard of Oz. Remember? Dorothy and Toto in Kansas? Judy Garland going over the rainbow?"
"Of course I remember. "
" Follow the Yellow Brick Road. It led to the Emerald City, where the wonderful wizard lived. "
"I remember. The Scarecrow, the Tin Man, the Cowardly Lion, I remember the whole thing. But whered I get emeralds from?"
"Youre an alcoholic," she suggested. "Youre missing a couple of brain cells, thats all. "
I nodded. "Must be it," I said.
The sky was turning light when we went to sleep. I slept on the couch wrapped up in a couple of spare blankets. At first I thought I wouldnt be able to sleep, but the tiredness came over me like a towering wave. I gave up and let it take me wherever it wanted.