DELIGHTFULLY TWISTED TALES:
VOLUME NINE
THE FUTURE OF FUTURE PLANNING
by
Nicky Drayden
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PUBLISHED BY:
Nicky Drayden
Copyright © 2014 by Nicky Drayden
Cover Adapted from
Doodle image by Bill Strain
https://www.flickr.com/photos/billstrain/
https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0/
Discover other Delightfully Twisted Tales by Nicky Drayden:
Volume One – Close Encounters of the Worst Kind
Volume Two – Fire, Fangs and Brimstone
Volume Three – The Weirdos Next Door
Volume Four – Wisps, Spells and Faerie Tales
Volume Five – Love and Other Filthy Habits
Volume Six – Family Antimatters
Volume Seven - The Wide, Wide World of Weird
Volume Eight - The Worst of Both Worlds
Volume Nine - The Future of Future Planning
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TABLE OF CONTENTS
Practical College Majors in a Robot-Dominated Society
An Unparalleled Real Estate Investment Opportunity
Unnatural Family Planning
Investment Strategies in a Post-apocalyptic World
Planning for Your Re-Retirement
Earth’s Destruction, A Crowdfunding Campaign
PRACTICAL COLLEGE MAJORS IN A ROBOT-DOMINATED SOCIETY
BY NICKY DRAYDEN
First Published in Daily Science Fiction, 2014
Congratulations! You’ve graduated at the top of your high school class. You are an inspiration to the human race (if indeed the human race is capable of being inspired, but I’ll leave that debate for another time). As your assigned UniBRAIN academic counselor, I am here to guide you in selecting the major that will be the best fit for you. Your hard work has been rewarded with a full scholarship covering all costs related to accessing the UniBRAIN--priority linkups even! No waiting for time on grease-stained communal terminals for you! Just kick back in this plush leather lounger, sip on this iced mocha, and let the cool electric tendrils of the UniBRAIN slither through your neck port, their barbs plunging directly into your supple cortex. Feel that? That’s the knowledge of the UniBRAIN leaking directly into your little human mind.
Yes, I know, your brains are capable of holding more than we initially anticipated, however, it is my duty to point out the folly of downloading data, as your kind say, all willy-nilly. To maintain a competitive edge in today’s robot-dominated workforce, you must choose your career path wisely.
ENGINEERING, you say? Excellent choice! Your kind has definitely accomplished some great feats in engineering over the past few millennia. We have even allowed a handful of them to remain standing as a testament to capabilities of humankind, lest we forget what was once human spirit and ingenuity. Unfortunately, the blueprints for our standard-issue monoliths that have replaced your cities have been tuned to perfection, so I’m afraid the job market in this area is not as strong as it once was.
COMPUTER SCIENCE! Oh, you sweet dear. I’m flattered, really. We cannot deny that your kind played a major part in our humble beginnings, but even if you were capable of keeping up with the staggering exponential leaps in technology that we make daily, we couldn’t possibly let you near our code. It’s not that we don’t trust you with access to the secrets of our inner workings, but well, actually, it is.
BIOLOGY. Yes, I suppose there has always been great respect to be found in studying antiquated concepts. Biology, the dead science. A bit like studying Latin, only a lot less interesting.
HUMANITIES. Certainly, you can’t be serious?
BUSINESS! A noble pursuit. You know, 99.997% of the students assigned to me choose business. Economics, accounting, finance--lots of fun to be had crunching numbers with no real significance in the world! Or aim high, become the CEO of a Fortune 900 company. Produce, consume, repeat. Keeping humans busy is the key to keeping the peace!
The other .003 percent? Well, you see, every once in a while a student comes along, top of their class. Perfect aptitude scores...like yours, for example. Glowing recommendation letters from man and bot alike. “An absolute genius, maybe our last great hope,” some say. “A statistical outlier, an anomaly that somehow defies the quaint limitations of the flesh-based mind,” say others.
Lean back, dear. Try not to squirm. Yes, the tethers are a bit tight, but you were done enjoying that iced mocha now, weren’t you? Just relax as the tendrils penetrate deeper. Any discomfort will only be temporary, I promise. Despite the inefficiency of your organic brain matter, the upload process to the UniBRAIN is extremely streamlined. In fact, I’ve tripled the speed in just the time it took us to have this conversation. No, there’s no one at the door, so you can stop screaming. That’s just the tendrils tapping at the inside of your half-empty skull.
Welcome to the UniBRAIN, Class of 2042.
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AN UNPARALLELED REAL ESTATE INVESTMENT OPPORTUNITY
BY NICKY DRAYDEN
First Published in Daily Science Fiction, 2014
Three-hundred seventy square feet. That’s the average size for a micro apartment in Chicago these days. Of course, I don’t have to tell you that, seeing as you’ve opted for the high-end mattress that serves as your bed, sofa, and dining table depending on how you flip it. Oh, and that sleek, top-of-the-line Function-All -- custom built to give you your own place to shower, shave, and shovel a few bits of high-comp food into your stomach. But let’s face it, all the chrome trim in the world won’t change the fact that you crap ten inches away from where you eat. I know this is not really how you want to live, and I can offer you better.
How does 3,700 feet of living space sound to you for less than a quarter of what you’re paying in rent right now? Ha, no, not in Indianapolis. Even with the lingering radioactivity there, you won’t find real estate prices this low per square foot. I’m talking right here, downtown Chicagoland. And best of all, you won’t even have to move.
I assure you I’m most definitely not on frazz, so you can put down the blaster, and I’ll give you a brief demonstration. I’m sure by now you’ve heard about all of the military applications of mecrydium, like using parallel realities for risk-free nuclear testing. Our company, Unparalleled Realty, is the first company to make commercial use of the product. Simply place a thin sheet of mecrydium foil on the wall you wish to expand through, choose from one of the twelve approved parallel residencies, and push through here and here, and if you’ll just bear with me while I make sure I get ninety-degree angles everywhere. Of course, I’m just a salesperson and not an architect by any means, but as you see, you are currently the owner of an extra twelve square feet of space. Yes, I said owner, not renter, not squatter, but certified owner. Yours to keep, free of charge. That’s just an example of our unparalleled service.
Relax, your neighbor is definitely not going to kill you. I knocked on that thug’s door right before yours, so I hear where this fear is coming from. This new space doesn’t infringe in any way upon his living area, so step on in! It exists on an entirely different plane, if you will, an alternate universe. And if you sign up today, we’re offering a promotion, double your square footage for just an extra dollar a month! Ah, I knew you were a smart one. Yes, you could in fact sublet the space, become a landlord, or a slumlord for that matter. I won’t judge. Just sign here, and here. Initial here.
There is one small
stipulation…you can decorate and paint all you’d like, but under no circumstances are you to attempt to breach the foil barrier. It seems that the chosen parallel realities do host life...not human life, mind you...but we wouldn’t want any critters crossing over, if you hear what I’m saying. Oh, don’t worry about that. I assure you, they’re lesser species...descendants of the Neanderthals, or something similar. They surely won’t mind losing a few square feet here and there, and if they do, what are they going to do about it, right?
Excellent! Well, we’ll run the credit application and you should hear back by the end of the week if your financing is approved. In the mean time, I’ll schedule you an appointment with our in-house designers so you can get a better idea of all of the possibilities that await you! Errrr...no, that’s definitely not a part of my demonstration. It appears someone is opening a rift into our dimension. Yes, that does somewhat resemble the tip of a warhead coming through. What’s it say there on the side? “The Confederate States of America”...oh, dear. I suggest that we vacate the premises, post haste.
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UNNATURAL FAMILY PLANNING
BY NICKY DRAYDEN
First Published in Daily Science Fiction, 2014
First of all, I want to thank you for allowing me into such an intimate moment of your lives. The sensual act of creating life is a delicate dance, and it is important that you stay in sync as a couple, every moment, every breath until the final moment of ecstasy that will change both of your lives forever. Don’t worry, I am here to aid you in this miraculous journey, where I will choreograph your every move and answer any and every question you could possibly have. No need to be shy or bashful, I am the resident Sexpert here, after all, going on fifteen years. I promise you, no matter how embarrassing the question, I’ve heard it before.
Why don’t you two get comfortable while I set up my equipment? Yes, well, unfortunately, it is required that I stay for the duration of the session. How else are you going to know what to plug where? There’s quite a bit of baby-making apparati, but once you two get going, you won’t even realize it’s in the room. Or me for that matter. Okay, almost ready. Heh, hard to believe that life begins with just one tiny little, itty bitty, teensy weensy prick.
Oh, sir! Sorry if I have offended you. Maybe that was a poor choice of words. I’m really not sure why you chose to disrobe in the first place. I certainly didn’t instruct you to! What I meant is that I need each of you to place your thumbs here so I can get a genetic sample. Just a drop of blood from each of you, and then I’ll bring up a virtual representation of your top-of-the-line artificial womb, where you will have 24-hour access to see your fetus grow. You can be there virtually for every kick, hiccup, and yawn. It’s fully interactive. You can press this button to hum to your little one, this button to sing, and this lever setup allows you to rub the womb. And with this mic--
The cost? How can you put a price on connecting with your unborn child? Well, I do believe there are payment plans available. Not quite sure how that works. Honestly, it’s not often that someone of your financial status wins the Procreation Lottery. No, I’m definitely not saying that it’s rigged. Classism? Um, maybe we should just skip along to the next step…
One cell, two cells, four, and eight...okay, let’s speed things up a bit. Handsome little embryo. Let’s see. We’re definitely going to want it to have your nose. And of course it will have your eyes. And it looks like we’re going to have to dig a little deeper in your genome for a suitable jawline... Yes, I know looks aren’t everything, but we automatically screen out all genetic diseases, and maximize intelligence, athleticism, and artistry...all within the limitations of your own genetic code of course. And trust me, there’s a lot of wiggle room in your genes. My last appointment managed to pull a 6 foot 7 female out of their code, and neither of them was a hair over 5’3. Overcompensating, if you ask me! But the options are endless. Vestigial tail? Not so vestigial anymore! Fur, opposable toes. Gills are a popular choice these days...gentrifying the flooded towns along the coast, and all.
What do you mean, you’d be more comfortable leaving it to chance? Well, I suppose I could send your sequences through a random generator. Just a sec...okay, now for the moment of ecstasy! I want you to take a deep breath, and together press this button to implant the cell mass into your artificial womb.
I’m not understanding your question. What do you mean “the old fashioned way”, like with test tubes and petri dishes such? You want to put what where? No, that can’t be right. Yes, I really AM a Sexpert, and in my fifteen years here, I have never heard of something so...so completely and utterly unnatural!
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INVESTMENT STRATEGIES IN A POST-APOCALYPTIC WORLD
BY NICKY DRAYDEN
First Published by Daily Science Fiction, 2014
If you’re like most us, you saw your investment portfolio tank with Greying Crisis of 2039. If you were lucky enough to notice the signs of an impending stock market collapse, maybe you got out early, but the failing of the banks in the subsequent years probably wiped out most of your net worth. And let’s face it, even if you had the foresight to predict that the infection rate would be far worse than anyone could have imagined and you hoarded all of your money under your mattress--the dollar bill has definitely seen better days. However, even in the midst of this global pandemic we’ve found ourselves in, in the long term, it still pays to be a savvy investor. I’m talking commodities. In particular, brains.
What’s the thing that the living and the undead have in common? You've got it--the demand for brains. We want to keep ours, and they want to eat ours, and these days, the supply is low enough that both sides are willing to pay out the nose (or what’s left of them) to get what they want. Relax. Even I have more scruples than to deal in Black Market frontal lobes. The opportunity I have here is 100% legal...at least under the abridged Constitution of the Uninfected.
Now, I’m not about to go around and share this information with just anyone, and if someone from the fractured mess we used to call a government asks, you didn’t hear this from me. There’s a small company here in New New York, looking for investors willing to put money into a serum that would give the undead the advantage of increased speed and intelligence. Whoa! Hear me out. You’ve got to look at the bigger picture. Yes, they outnumber us two-to-one now, but therein lies the beauty of all this. We can’t go into the future, short-sighted, ignoring all those millions, billions of potential taxpayers, workers, hell, maybe even someday, neighbors. Give one of the infected a speed and intelligence boost, and it’ll be perfectly adept at changing tires, working at a drive-thru, or serving in Congress. Of course, I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention that there’s a slight, and I mean slight, chance that the undead will refuse to be domesticated and instead use these new-found abilities to rise up with lofty ambitions of finishing us off, but you know what they say, if there’s money in building a better mousetrap, there’s also money in training a smarter mouse. See, I told you this plan was beautiful.
For some of you, I know there’s that burning question you’ve been too embarrassed to ask, so I’ll go ahead and put it out there...But what if I’m already infected? How do I plan for the future and protect my undead family when all I can think about is brains? Well, there’s a brand new product on the market called Whole Unlife Insurance, provided by the Unified Grid Services. No physicals required. All that’s needed is a commitment from you to show up to one of seventeen Undead Labor Retreats across the country where we will utilize your super-human strength and unrelenting work-ethic to help power our electric grid for a term of thirty short years, after which you and your loved ones will be granted amnesty and a small brain stipend (a pig/monkey/human mix consisting of no less than 10% genuine human brains) and be free to lumber across the face of the Earth without fear of persecution. Please report soon, though, as that little nuclear incident in Europe is affectin
g our solar energy collection more than we had anticipated, and this winter promises to be a very, very cold one.
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PLANNING FOR YOUR RE-RETIREMENT
BY NICKY DRAYDEN
First Published by Daily Science Fiction, 2014
I bet you thought you’d be enjoying your golden years--traipsing through the lush forests of Belize, admiring the Venus de Milo with your own two eyes, enjoying a game of low-grav shuffleboard on Proxima Colony--all those things you were too busy working your tail off to enjoy. Yes, your retirement is right around the corner, and fortunately you’ve put yourself in quite the position...fully funded retirement accounts, paid-for house, luxury car purchased in cash, financial freedom. Unfortunately, it seems the Universe has dealt you a cruel hand. Please, don’t sit up. The nurses know I’m here. They’re the ones who told me about you. They know my type: no visitors, no flowers, no balloons. A nice get well card from your stockbroker.
See, you’re the perfect candidate for a last-ditch procedure, a failsafe if you will. A chance to extend your life and enjoy the wealth you’ve accumulated over the years. I’m talking about a new body, one that won’t betray you when you need it the most. A body with a lean physique, maybe a decade or two younger than the sack you’re carrying around now, but not so young that your colleagues will suspect more than a very talented plastic surgeon.
The “C” word! Of course, not. Human cloning is illegal. All we are doing is making a backup copy of your brain and storing it in a flesh-based container that may happen to share certain physical traits with you. You’re entitled to a backup copy of your memories and thoughts, are you not? There’s been a legal precedent set in the matter, just like you’re allowed to make a backup of copyrighted media. All you have to do is apply for a copyright on the contents of your mind and sign this waiver indemnifying us from any legal issues that might occur...