To lose myself in love for real
I used to believe in so many things
I used to fall for all the damn lies
But now that I can see just a little
Through all the thick dirty smoke
I don’t want to leave the house
But to only find that real true love
I’d give my soul to be that lost
Little Boy
September.27.2002
boy you don’t know, what you’re doing
boy you know, I’d drive you to ruin
you should really know that by now
you couldn’t handle me if you tried
boy you don’t know, what you’re doing
boy you know, I’d drive you to ruin
Love Hate Relationship
October.02.2002
I fell deeply in love with him back then
And I was angry and hurt when he left
Now I guess we’re just kind of friends
But I guess he doesn’t really mind sex
I am so very confused and going crazy
Because I don’t know what I should be doing
Should I have sex just because I want to
Or should I just finally walk away from him
Before I get hurt even more then I already am
Liking Her In That Way
October.18.2002
I think I like her in that way
And it is more than a little scary
To feel so powerful to not breathe
And yet so weak in the knees
To feel so right but somehow feeling wrong
Because I don’t know what she is thinking
Is it just me or am I making things up
Is it just me or could I be in love
Hoping It Was More
October.18.2002
Looking away if I saw I got a glance
Hoping too hard that it was more than that
But I always hope for too much in my life
So I’ll just fall back into my corner again
I look around the loud room sometimes
Just being who I am and a little nosey
I saw someone watching me intently
They look away immediately and I do too
I think I am a little too different to be around people
That must be why I hate them so much
Or maybe people are just too stupid for me
I don’t respond very well to stupidly and rudeness
Yet I am also scared to be around people
Because I think I am too emotional
I think I am childish falling for lies and compliments
It is so hard for me to just be me without regrets
Looking away if I saw I got a glance
Hoping too hard that it was more than that
But I always hope for too much in my life
So I’ll just fall back into my corner again
Ignoring Scared Man
October.21.2002
I watch him so intently, when he softly speaks
I don’t think he knows, I always notice him
He usually doesn’t acknowledge, that I am even here
Which I don’t understand, because I am always around
I like him very much, and would love to get to know him more
But that is hard to do, when he kind of just ignores me
I love the way he smells, I am so drawn to him
All I ask is one little chance, to just listen to his mind
All I want is to know, if I have a chance with him
Deep Love
October.23.2002
To fall in love so deeply
You can’t see your own hands
You don’t believe your friends
When they say it won’t turn out
You find yourself to be lost
In your thoughts of losing it
To be drowning you in fear each night
To think of these sad things is dangerous
For all you really see is the light
To only be happy every single night
I think is just a dream for some of us
Pain In My Discovery
October.24.2002
my tongue really hurts
it’s tied in knots
my stomach really hurts
it’s flying in circles
my body starts aching
and I feel empty inside
when I think of him
I don’t know what to say
so I hide within my self
I don’t want to change
but I want to be like him
I don’t want to move
afraid I’ll lose this moment
lots of things hurt inside
it’s always hard to breathe
in the pain of my discovery
That Lyle-ing Man
October.27.2002
He came to my house and asked me out for real, fucking hell…
This time in a different way, I can’t believe this really happened
He wrote me a little letter, attached to it a fake flower
Yellow and white, meaning friendship and forgiveness
My first thought… was what the fuck?!
My second thought… was I am at a loss for words
I really don’t know, what to think of this situation
I want to ask someone, for any opinion on this
He said in the letter; he was sorry for lying in the past
And these past couple weeks, have sucked for him
Supposedly because, I wasn’t around him
I’m sorry, but that just sounds so contrived and lame to me!
He is a friend of a friend, in a group of people I know
And every time we are around each other, we bicker like children
But I do not think, I could ever really trust him
He lies to me, to others and to himself all the time
But he follows me around, and listens to me so intently
He falls for everything, he does everything I say
I think I might be using him, he has driven me around in his car
But he can’t see anything, but his own made up stupid stories and lies
I don’t trust any man, especially men who lie
And I fear I’ve lost my trust, in thinking all men just want sex
He seems just a little desperate, just a little too desperate for something
He must really want something from me, he must want something!
He actually asked me out, shit what do I do?
He wrote a little letter, with a fake flower attached
Yellow and white, meaning friendship and forgiveness
It all just feels so fake, he must want something from me
That Lyle-ing Man II
October.28.2002
Remember that guy who asked me out, the one with the little letter and fake flower attached?
You know that guy, who thinks all his lies are the truth?
Well he didn’t show up when he was supposed to, for the weekly meetings where both attended
So I called him, I waited until the day after that…
I did of course talk to my friends beforehand, because I desperately needed others opinions on this
To find my thoughts, to find some clarity in actions
I told them mostly everything, and at first they said hell no!
But then after they read the little letter, the no changed to a yes
I was very unsure of myself in this situation, in the beginning
But I was just quietly thinking, and I can find my thoughts
I feel in my gut, I don’t think I’ll say yes
If I think about it, I have to say no
Lets see, for a few different reason I can think of…
I honestly do not believe him, it just does not feel sincere
And I’d rather date other guys more, that must mean something
So I think
why even bother, there is no real point
We can be friends I guess, but he’ll never get that close
No I Can Not
November.11.2002
This I think can’t be,
to be seeing you with her.
I know it can’t be real,
as your hand holds onto hers.
I just want to pull her hair,
and tie you up in a chair.
I’ve never seen you with anyone but me.
I can just see it in my mind’s eye.
This happening when I really don’t need it.
And it hurts to even think of.
It’s been so long since we were one.
But I still find it hard to think we are apart.
For Sure
November.16.2002
For him, I’d do anything
… so don’t get in the way
For him, I’d go crazy for
… so don’t start anything
For him I’d fight a war
… so don’t even bother trying
For him, I’d give up everything
… so don’t doubt me
For him, I’d give my life
… so don’t get in the way
Only One Way Out
December.14.2002
He is the only…. one
For me I know
But I watched him walk away
I try not to cry anymore
I now turn my back to this life
I believe in nothing
I trust no one ever at all
There is no love left for me
I am too afraid to give anything
I think I might be…. empty
Every time I’ve tried
I just end up bleeding more
Pleasuring
January.01.2003
I can pleasure myself
but it’s just not the same
as his hands on my body
as his tongue on my skin
I can’t touch myself
to be able to feel
the way his hands
on my body feels
I feel dirty even though I’ve tried
it’s just not the same in my mind
nothing I can do can do it right
my body just wants him to pleasure me
Wrap Around
January.05.2003
put your arms tightly around me,
….. and fly me away.
hold my hands warmly in yours,
.. and take me to a different place.
wrap and twist your mind around mine,
.. and tell me everything you know.
let yourself be consumed,
… by all that we can do,
.. for all that we can give and create together.
put your arms tightly around me,
….. and take me far away.
Washing
January.06.2003
Envisioning the sensation,
.. of soft fingertips on skin.
Standing in the bathtub,
with the water just running.
Water tumbling down body parts,
… as warm touches cold.
I find myself quietly moaning,
.. and sighing for some more.
Thinking of insane naughty things,
… as my blood rushes South.
Holding onto the walls,
because I think I need the help.
I use what memories I have,
of you in compromising positions.
And pretend you're quietly here,
… secretly watching me wash.
Stupid Me Hurting
January.22.2003
why am i so damn hurt
i don’t even know him
why did i trust him so much
to be alone in his house
with just him and his roommate
why was i suddenly so shy and quiet
and why do i somehow feel so betrayed
am i just completely insane
or what the hell is wrong with me
why do i portray myself as black and white
when the real me is really grey
i just don’t understand my stupidity
I Danced Anyway
January.24.2003
I danced wondering, if he’d be there
Finally forgetting about him, we were ready to leave
He saw me, before I saw him
With his face in mine, I said hey
I told him to wait, while I went to the washroom
He was surprisingly still there, when I came back
Waiting like a lost little puppy, he just obeyed me
I took him outside, around the side of the building
I didn’t drag him, but my arms was in his
He said, don’t do it, I looked at him wondering what he was thinking I’d do
I just wanted to talk, he must have thought I’d jump him
We talked for a little bit, while my friend patiently waited
I kept stupidly asking, if we were friends or more
If he wanted, for us to be friends or more
I felt I needed an answer right there and then, I was buzzed and being pushy
I wanted to touch and kiss him, I did kiss him but just a peck
He said he’d like just friends, but kept giving me mixed signals
He kept asking, what if he kissed me, I think that is what he said
I am not supposed to because of my new tongue piercing, but I really wish he had
I really wonder if I am desirable, just when men are drunk
It hurts to think of that, but I have nothing to say otherwise
I kept touching him a lot, complimenting and trying to flirt
But he did too, touching my body and my face so much
Acting like he wanted to kiss me, and kissing my face
I reluctantly had to finally leave, and to let go of him
My friend and I finally left, to go to a different bar
And all I could stupidly think of was him, I would have given anything
I really hope he will still call, and we can hang out and see
If he really likes me and is just cautious, or if I really am a complete idiot
I think I really do like him, and am hoping to see him again and soon
To talk and hang out and see, if he really likes me at all
Or if he is just jerking me around, what an asshole if so
We met and hung out and liked what he saw, but what else
Fine Line
January.30.2003
There is a fine line…. between us
And it scares me to see
How it just all…. just disappears
Each time we…. are together
We are intertwined ending as one
With no other choices
Things just happen that way
The outside world just falls away
And it scares me to know there is
A thin fine line of difference…. between us
Why Do I Keep Stupidly Running
February.03.2003
why do I keep running after you?
just hoping we’ll flirt, hoping for a kiss, next time, next time…
why do I dress up, makeup on, trying to look pretty?
in hopes we’ll be face to face, too close to resist
in hopes you’ll touch my skin with your hand again
was I really a fool to think you liked me back
was I really a fool to think we could be together for real
why do I keep running
when I am out of breath
when I can’t see myself no longer
I just keep looking for you
when I really don’t understand me
so how can I understand you
when you blow me off
saying we can be just friends
I think I’ll walk away this time
maybe run in the oth
er direction
I don’t see why I think I want you anymore
Totally Flirting With Her
February.15.2003
I was holding her….. close-close
We were looking deeply into each other’s eyes
… with that look, that look that can’t be disguised
But what were we thinking?
What did we really want from each other?
Because nothing ever happened…
So close, like close-close… but it’s all just in the past now
I was always wanting her close to me
Such a warm-soft-smoking hot-hour glass body
Smooth-fluttering-sweet blonde hair in my grasp
Pouty-voluptuous lips of an angel
… Such subtle little hints in the air
You pointed out that I was hitting on you
….. like some school boy crush
I think you liked the attention from the onlookers
I’m really torn as to what you were in it for
Because… I wanted to get closer
.. I wanted more than a fleeting kiss
I wanted to engulf you….. close-close
But I wonder if it was just a fleeting moment in time
I wanted you for so long… I’ve loved you for so long
Keep going back for more………. despite the warning signs
… as I brush away the blood from my beaten and bruised heart
Yes I was totally flirting with her
But I wanted so much more
My William
March.01.2003
he is a big aries bad ass
a new girl on his arm every night
which i did not know at the time
but i don't care
he is what i wanted