Worst of all.…
Mrs. North handed out report cards.
Marvin sat at his desk. He was afraid to look. Slowly, he pulled his report card from its envelope.
His grades weren’t too bad. They weren’t as good as usual, but they weren’t terrible.
He only got one U. U for Unsatisfactory. That was in Social Studies because he never asked a survey question.
But then he read the teacher’s comments:
Marvin doesn’t play well with others. The other children are offended by his unsanitary habits and anti-social behavior. He needs to learn to use a tissue.
He read the words over and over again. He couldn’t believe it.
Mrs. North thought he picked his nose too!
It wasn’t fair. The ball was over the line!
He put his head down and started to cry, right in the middle of class.
“Are you crying, Marvin?” asked Casey Happleton.
Marvin looked at her. Her ponytail stuck out of the side of her head.
“Why are you crying?” asked Casey.
“Marvin’s crying!” announced Melanie.
“Probably picked his nose too hard,” said Clarence.
6
Marvin walked home from school carrying his report card. He tapped the red post as he walked through the gate.
“Do you want to play Mommy-Daddy?” asked Linzy.
“No!” he snapped.
“Ill let you be the Daddy,” said Linzy.
“No!” he shouted. “Leave me alone!”
Linzy burst into tears. “I’m telling on you!” she bawled. “You’re not my friend anymore! You’re not coming to my birthday party!”
Linzy’s birthday was seven months away.
Marvin walked into his room. He sat on his bed.
How could he show his report card to his parents? They’d think he was disgusting too.
He felt himself start to cry. He sniffled back the tears.
“Even Linzy hates me,” he muttered.
He sniffled again.
He had sunk as low as he could go.
He was nine years old, and his life was ruined forever.
And then he sank even lower.
He did something terrible.
He didn’t realize he was doing it, until after he had already done it.
He stuck his finger up his nostril, and picked his nose.
7
“Oh no!” he cried. “I’m disgusting! I’m as gross as everyone says I am!”
He went into the bathroom and wiped his finger with a tissue. Then he washed his hands using plenty of soap and water.
He stayed in his room all afternoon.
He stared at his report card, then turned to General Jackson, his pet lizard.
“Well, at least it’s true now,” he told the General. “I’m the most disgusting kid in the whole world.”
General Jackson stuck out his tongue.
Marvin took his report card downstairs.
His family was in the den watching TV.
“Here’s my report card,” Marvin said, then threw it on the floor. He walked out.
“Wait a second!” said his mother.
He stopped.
“Come back here.”
He dragged his feet back into the den. “Now what did I do?” he asked.
“Pick it up,” said his father.
The report card lay on the blue and white rug.
“No,” said Marvin.
“Your father asked you to pick it up,” said his mother.
“You pick it up,” said Marvin.
His mother stared at him.
He stared right back at her.
He didn’t know why he was doing this. He got his parents mad at him before they even saw his report card.
But what could you expect from the most disgusting kid in the world?
Linzy picked it up. “Here, Marvin,” she said.
He took it from Linzy and handed it to his mother.
Jacob looked at Marvin and slowly shook his head.
“Can I go now?” Marvin asked.
“No,” said his father.
He watched his mother read the report card. Then she handed it to his father.
“What happened, Marvin?” his mother asked. His father was still reading it.
“Nothing.”
“Something happened,” his mother said. “I know you got in some sort of fight with Nick and Stuart. I thought it would pass. I figured you’d be friends again by now.”
“We didn’t get in a fight,” said Marvin. “They just don’t like me.”
“Why not?” asked his father.
“Because I’m disgusting. I’m the most disgusting kid in school!”
His father read aloud from the report card. “Anti-social behavior … Unsanitary habits. What did you do?”
“I picked my nose!” Marvin shouted. “I’m the world’s biggest nose picker!”
Jacob cracked up.
“Sorry, Mar,” he said.
“It’s okay,” said Marvin. “Everyone at school laughs at me too.”
“Do you want to tell us about it?” asked his mother.
“There’s nothing to tell,” said Marvin. “I’m nine years old, and my life is ruined forever. Just because Clarence hit the ball over the line.”
He told them what happened, from the wall-ball game up until his report card.
“Now even Mrs. North thinks I pick my nose.”
“What about Nick and Stuart,” said his mother. “Surely they must know—”
“They’re afraid that if they stick up for me, then everybody will say that they pick their noses too!”
“Well, if that’s how they feel, then they’re not really your friends,” said his father.
“Great,” said Marvin. “I have no friends.”
“Maybe we should talk to Mrs. North,” suggested Marvin’s mother. “And tell her you don’t pick your nose.”
“She won’t believe you,” said Marvin. “The more you say you don’t pick your nose, the more everyone thinks you do!”
His parents looked at each other.
“Jacob,” said his mother. “You’re close to Marvin’s age. Has anything like this ever happened to you?”
Jacob thought a moment. “I remember when I was in the third grade,” he said. “There was this new kid. Larry Clarksdale. Everyone used to pick on him.”
“What happened?” asked his mother.
“Uh, never mind,” said Jacob.
“What?” asked Marvin.
“Well, I used to pick on him too,” Jacob admitted. “I remember I once told everyone that Larry still wore diapers. He had to show everyone his underpants to prove he didn’t.”
“That’s awful,” said his mother.
“I know,” said Jacob. “I still feel bad when I think about it.”
“So what happened to Larry?” asked his mother.
“Nothing. Everyone just kept on hating him, all through third grade. Then he moved away.”
“Maybe they liked him at his new school,” said Linzy.
“I hope so,” said Jacob.
“We could move!” suggested Marvin.
“You don’t solve problems by running away from them,” said his father.
“Then what should I do?” asked Marvin. “I can’t get into a fight with Clarence. He’d beat me up.”
“I can beat him up for you,” said Jacob.
“Okay,” said Marvin.
“No,” said their mother.
“Then what should Marvin do?” asked Jacob. “You two are supposed to be so smart.”
Marvin looked at his parents.
They just sat there. They were stumped.
But then someone came up with the answer.
It wasn’t his mother or father, or even Jacob.
It was Linzy.
And it wasn’t exactly an answer. It was a question.
8
“Why is it bad to pick your n
ose?” asked Linzy.
Marvin looked at his little sister. “It’s a disgusting and gross thing to do,” he said.
“Why?” asked Linzy.
“It just is,” said Marvin. He was in no mood for Linzy’s stupid questions. She could ask why a hundred times in a row.
“Why?” asked Linzy. “I pick my nose.”
“It’s okay when you’re four years old,” said Marvin. “It’s bad when you’re older.”
“Why?”
“ ’Cause it is!”
But then Marvin’s father also asked, “Why?”
Marvin looked at him.
“What’s so bad about picking your nose?” asked his father. “I’ve picked my nose.”
“It’s not something you want to do in public,” said Marvin’s mother. “But everyone has done it.”
He looked at his mother. “You too?”
“Sometimes a tissue just won’t get it,” she said. “You blow and you blow, but nothing comes out.”
Marvin was horrified.
“I sometimes pick my nose,” said Jacob.
“Well, no wonder I pick my nose!” Marvin exclaimed. “I come from a whole family of nose pickers!”
“Your teacher, Mrs. North,” said Marvin’s father. “I’m sure she’s picked her nose before.”
“Mrs. North? Are you crazy?”
“The president of the United States has picked his nose,” said Marvin’s mother.
Marvin looked around the room, from his mother, to his father, to his brother, to his sister.
Either he came from the most disgusting family in the world, or.… He knew what question he’d ask for the class survey.
9
Marvin got to school early, and waited.
Judy Jasper was dropped off in the school parking lot. Marvin watched her get out of the car.
Marvin was glad she was alone.
The kids usually weren’t mean to him when they were alone. It was only when they were in a group. The bigger the group, the meaner they acted.
“Judy,” he called.
“What?” asked Judy.
She had very curly hair.
“I have to ask you my question for the class survey,” said Marvin.
“Okay,” said Judy.
“You have to tell the truth,” said Marvin.
“I will,” said Judy.
“Okay,” said Marvin. “Well, here goes.” He took a breath. “Have you ever picked your nose?”
Judy screamed, then ran away.
Marvin ran after her. “Wait!” he called. “You have to answer my question!”
He chased her around the bike rack and caught up with her just outside the girls’ bathroom.
“Have you ever picked your nose?” he asked again.
“Ever?” asked Judy.
Marvin nodded.
Judy ducked into the girls’ bathroom.
Marvin was about to walk away.
But then, safe within the bathroom walls, Judy Jasper shouted, “Yes!”
Kenny was drinking from the water fountain.
“I have to ask you my question for the class survey,” said Marvin.
Kenny kept drinking.
“Have you ever picked your nose?” asked Marvin.
Kenny coughed and spit out water. He looked up at Marvin. “That’s your question?” he asked.
Marvin nodded.
“Did Mrs. North approve it?”
Marvin shrugged.
“Darn!” said Kenny. “I didn’t know you could ask questions like that.”
“So, have you?” asked Marvin.
“Yeah, I guess,” said Kenny.
Marvin wrote down Kenny’s answer.
“I’m going to see if it’s too late to change my question,” said Kenny. “I could ask all the girls—What color is your underwear?” He cracked up.
Nick and Stuart arrived together.
“What do you want?” asked Nick.
“Don’t worry,” said Marvin. “I’m not going to try to be your friend. I just have to ask you my question for the class survey.”
“Okay,” said Stuart. “But make it quick.” He looked around to make sure that no one was watching.
“Have you ever picked your nose?” asked Marvin.
“Give me a break,” said Stuart.
“Just answer the question,” said Marvin.
“No one’s ever going to like you if you keep asking questions like that,” said Nick.
“Just answer the question.”
“Yes, I’ve picked my nose,” said Stuart. “Are you happy?”
“Me too,” said Nick. “But I don’t go around talking about it!”
“What do you want, Snot-face?” asked Clarence.
“I have to ask you my survey question.”
“Just don’t get any of your boogers on me,” said Clarence.
Marvin looked at him. He couldn’t understand Clarence. They both knew that Clarence made that up. They both knew the ball was over the line.
“No one else is around,” said Marvin. “Can’t we just be honest with each other?”
“Booger brain!” said Clarence.
“Well, here’s my question,” said Marvin. “And you have to tell the truth.”
“I never lie,” said Clarence.
“Have you ever picked your nose?”
“No way!” said Clarence. “I’m not gross like you.”
Casey’s ponytail stuck out of the side of her head.
“Casey,” said Marvin. “I have to ask you my question for the class survey.”
“Shoot,” said Casey,
“Have you ever picked your nose?”
Casey laughed.
“Well, have you?” asked Marvin.
She laughed so hard she fell to the ground.
Marvin waited patiently.
At last Casey stopped laughing. She took a deep breath. “What was your question?”
“Have you ever picked your nose?” asked Marvin.
She laughed again.
But between her hoots and howls, she managed to shriek, “Yes!”
Justin said, “You’re sickening, Marvin! I’m not going to answer that question.”
“You have to,” said Marvin. “It’s for the survey.”
Justin turned and walked away.
Marvin grabbed his shoulder. “You have to answer the question.”
“Not that question,” said Justin, pushing Marvin away.
“You have to!” said Marvin, grabbing him again.
“Justin! Marvin!” shouted Mrs. Grant.
Mrs. Grant was on yard duty. She sent the two boys to see Mr. McCabe, the principal, for fighting.
A little while later, Marvin opened the door to his classroom. He peeked inside. Everyone else was still outside.
“Mrs. North?”
“Yes, Marvin,” said his teacher, seated at her desk.
“I want to ask you my question for the class survey.”
“Good for you, Marvin. I’m glad to see you’re finally participating.”
“Have you ever picked your nose?”
Mrs. North sat up straight. “That’s no way to talk to a teacher,” she said.
“It’s for my survey,” said Marvin. “Have you ever picked your nose?”
“That is not a proper question,” she said. “You need to choose something more appropriate.”
“Have you ever picked your nose?” Marvin repeated.
“I’m serious, Marvin,” said Mrs. North. “If you ask me that one more time, I’m going to send you straight to the principal’s office.”
“I just came from there,” said Marvin. “Mrs. Grant sent me, for fighting with Justin.”
“There, see. And what did Mr. McCabe tell you?”
“He told me he picked his nose.”
10
By recess everyone had heard about Marvin’s question.
They couldn’t wait to answer it.
“Ask me!” said Gina.
> “No, ask me,” said Heather.
“Okay,” said Marvin. “Have you ever picked your nose?”
“Yes,” said Gina.
“Yes,” said Heather.
Then they ran away giggling.
“Ask me!” said Melanie.
“Ask me!” said Travis.…
After recess Marvin was ready to give his report. He stood at the front of the room.
Several kids were already snickering.
Marvin began. “As you know, I asked everyone the question—Have you ever picked your nose?”
Everyone cracked up.
Clarence called out, “How gross!”
Marvin waited. “These are the results,” he said. “Judy—Yes.”
The class laughed.
“Keimy—Yes.”
They laughed again.
“Stuart—Yes. Nick—Yes. Casey—Yes.”
They laughed every time Marvin said, “Yes.”
“Justin—Yes. Mr. McCabe—”
There was a gasp. No one knew Marvin had asked the principal.
Marvin paused. Then he said, “Yes.”
The class went wild.
Marvin waited for everyone to be quiet.
“Mrs. North—”
Again there was a gasp.
“Yes.”
“Settle down,” said Mrs. North. She was blushing.
Marvin continued. “Travis—Yes. Melanie—Yes. Patsy—Yes. Clarence—No.”
Everyone stopped laughing and looked at Clarence.
“Gina—Yes. Heather—Yes.”
Marvin finished off the list.
“In summary,” he said, “everybody has picked their nose, except Clarence.”
Casey shouted, “Oh, Clarence. You’re such a liar!”
Mrs. North thanked Marvin for his report. “Excellent job,” she said. “It was an unusual question, but I think it taught us all a lot about ourselves. We’re all human, aren’t we?”
“Way to go, Marvin!” called Stuart.
Nick clapped his hands, and the rest of the class joined in.
After lunch Marvin got on line to play wall-ball. No one complained.
After all, what could they say?
Don′t miss a single Marvin!