the right."
The Serpent had been recruiting. His call had gone far and wide, and had been answered. All manners of creatures had come answering his call. Worms ten feet long with millions of razor sharp legs, sphinxes, giants, witches, demon dogs with numerous heads, hydras, sadistic school teachers, overcharging taxi drivers, every manner of demon you could imagine. The Serpent had tirelessly separated the demons into two groups, one which would follow him and the other which would make nice snacks. Most of the school teachers and taxi drivers had joined the latter.
"All right," yelled the Serpent. "Let the feasting begin." He charged into the second group, biting and flailing his razor sharp nails at the demons there. He was soon followed by the demons of the first group, who had been getting a little hungry.
After their feasting had ended, the Midgard Serpent looked at his demonic army and laughed. "Remember that you now follow the Serpent," he shouted. "My word is law. I promise to lead you into a new heaven filled with much food and sport. But remember this, if a single one of you asks me riddles about names," he glared at the Sphinx and some of the frost giants, "then I shall tear your innards out for the three-headed demon dogs to feast on."
The Serpent's army moved through Ogon No to the capital, where they camped outside the walls preparing to lay siege.
A Red Skin Demon with Sunglasses and a Standard Issue Glowing Sword
It was the first day of the battle. A waterfall of sweat flowed off Thomas' forehead. The battle-plan was simple enough. They would charge in, destroy as many of the demons as possible, and retreat before they became overwhelmed. Thomas couldn't think of a better strategy with a three people army. Zhong-Liquan had given them some exploding balls to use as a distraction during the retreat. Guan-Yu manned the southern gate, ready to open and close it at a moment's notice.
Peter practiced some somersaults, and did other exercises to loosen his body. "Today's going to be great," he yelled in delight to Thomas. "I can't wait to let loose against those demons."
Hearthoff meditated in his chambers. At times he cocked an ear, listening to something only he could hear.
The whole court was preparing to man the walls, to witness the first battle of Hearthoff and his team, against the demons. The Jade Emperor was brought out in a golden litter, surrounded by his guards, and taken up to one of the watch towers where he would have a nice view of the battle field, provided that the pile of paperwork he had brought with him didn't get in the way.
Hearthoff got out of his meditative trance. "All right lads, its time."
They rushed to the front of the southern gate and waited for it to be open.
"Now remember," said Hearthoff, "stay close and watch each other's back."
Thomas and Peter nodded grimly.
The demon army laughed, their faces filled with malice.
"What do we have here," asked a red demon with horns, goatee and a tail, who was wearing a pair of sunglasses(there's always one of these types in any respectable demon army). "I do believe that the Chinese are giving us a little present. We'll be sure to thank them in a little while." The demons laughed uproariously and surrounded the three heroes.
"Remember lads, all for one, one for all. Just like Dumas said."
"Dumb ass?" Peter asked, in indignation. "Who's a dumb ass?"
"No idiot, Dumas. He was a great man."
They stood with their backs facing each other, waiting for the demons to make their move. The red demon charged first. Peter cut its tail off, Thomas cut its head and Hearthoff smashed the demon's body to pulp with his hammer.
The demons looked from the three to the body(which now consisted of sunglasses resting on a severed nose) of their dead comrade with mouths agape. "They can't take us all," a horse faced demon shouted. "Charge my brothers!"
The three heroes worked with neat precision, always moving together with their backs to each other. Thomas' blade sang to him. It sang a dirge filled with bloodlust. It became an extension of his arm. They walked into the centre of the charging demons and began cleaving, dicing, smashing, stabbing, quartering, pickling(only the demonic cucumbers), and slashing the approaching demons. Suddenly, a horn blew in the distance.
The demons took a look at the three, looked behind them(always look both ways during a battle), and ran away.
"They're running. The cowards! Is there no one in this Afterlife with any guts?" Peter shouted after the retreating demons.
"Hold lad, easy. They'll be back. They went because the Demon King commanded a retreat. He probably wants to rethink his strategy or something." He gave Thomas a meaningful look. "I think we'd better rethink ours as well."
Thomas scratched his head, too mesmerized by his sword to think. "I'm sure I'll come up with something after a little wine. Guan Yu promised me a whole tub-full if I survived this day."
"I think I'm in love," Thomas said, still overly fascinated by his sword. The sword shone, pulsating light. A sword that shone light. He'd never heard of the like before(he'd never read any heroic fantasy novels). It would prove to be useful during a night battle, he thought. And more importantly, it made him look good.
Hearthoff gazed at the torchlight sword, trying to hide his disgust for the luminous monstrosity. "The blade seems to like you too. Now, don't get drunk lad. We need you for tomorrow's battle."
Thomas, Hearthoff and Peter went back to the Cloud Palace. "A boring first battle," Peter shouted up at the cheering crowd on the walls. "Hopefully, tomorrow will be better."
"Are you sure you two aren't related Hearthoff?" Guan Yu called out from above.
The Serpent takes Charge
Sayonara was brought in front of the Serpent, bound and gagged.
"Look at what we caught Master, trying to sneak over the moat," a tortoise headed demon said. "We checked his description just like you said, and seeing that it was the man you're looking for, we captured him." The demon spoke slowly, taking about half an hour to complete its speech. The Serpent, ever patient let him drone on.
The siege had lasted a day.Ogon No hadn't stood a chance since the demons were death-proof. The scared soldiers, after slashing and hacking at them, had seen that it wasn't of any use and had run away into the forest, leaving Sayonara and the rest of his commanders to the mercies of a mass of indestructible demons. Sayonara had tried to escape under the cover of darkness, but hadn't succeeded. The Serpent looked at Sayonara, a man who was wholly beaten and ready to do anything to save his life. He would need a little more training before he became an efficient tool to use, thought the Serpent.
"Take off his gag and his bonds," the Serpent commanded. His underlings rushed to obey with many "As You command, Master" s, except for the tortoise demon was still staring into space, trying to make it clear that he had reached the full stop of the sentence he had just uttered. He was brutally efficient in his punctuation.
"So…" said the Serpent, looking into the eyes of Sayonara.
"You betrayed your oaths," Sayonara spat, using a hidden store of courage from within. He should've save it for later.
"Did you really think that the Serpent could be held by an oath to one such as you? Did you think that one such as I would swear fealty to a mere human?" the Serpent snarled.
Sayonara shivered and got to his knees. He couldn't take it anymore, couldn't look into the Serpent's eyes of destruction "Spare me and I will serve you to my fullest capacity, oh Great Serpent."
"What makes you think that the Serpent would need the services of a human?" he asked disdainfully.
"My Lord, if you wish to rule Uso…"
'Rule Uso?' thought the Serpent. That's a good idea. I never did think past killing Thor.
"Then you would humbly serve by my side?" the Serpent interrupted Sayonara. "What makes you think I trust you? You forget that the Serpent has seen into your soul. The Serpent knows what lurks there - Ambition and treachery."
Sayonara looked up at the Serpent pleadingly, avoiding direct contact with his eyes. "My Lord. Look into my
soul again. I swear on my father's grave that there is no treachery."
"A father put there by his son," the Serpent corrected. "You cannot deceive me. The Serpent sees all. Very well you may serve me for now. But know this, if there is one whiff of treachery, you will wish you had been put to death."
The Serpent dismissed Sayonara and the guards and looked at himself in the mirror. 'Emperor of Uso,' he thought, 'could be an amusing past time until Hearthoff got there.'
He summoned the Lord of the Flies, his foremost general. "Send more spies to the portal. And remember to inform me at the first instant of any trouble there."
Music, Lucifer, Worms, Smashmouth, and a Skeletal Horse
In the demon kingdom, the Lord of the Demons sat on his throne, relishing the sounds of people being tortured in front of him. He moved his arms through the air as if conducting an orchestra (he enjoyed Wagner, and Smashmouth).
"Your most Diabolical Majesty," said a demon dressed in knightly armour, holding a lance in one hand and a coiled snake sceptre in the other.
"Yes Eligos, you may speak," the Demon King looked down at the bowed head of Eligos, Grand Duke of the demon world.
"It appears that Beelzebub, Lord of the Flies has defected."
"Defected to whom?" the Demon King thundered.
"To one calling himself the Serpent."
"The Midgard Serpent," the Demon King hissed. "I can feel his power growing. We will have to do something about this Eligos. But first, we must retrieve my crown."
"About that my Lord…"
"Speak."
"It appears that two mortals and that miserable Monkey routed our forces at the southern gates of the Cloud Palace. I sounded a retreat before they could cause any more damage."
"How many casualties?"
"Two of my legions, your most Diabolical Evilness."
"Hear this Eligos, bring me Hearthoff's head or I will have you slowly eaten by the worms, and then put back together again from their excreta."
Eligos shuddered and grimaced at the thought. "Yes, my Lord," and retreated into the ante chamber backwards, head bowed, so that his back never showed to the Demon King."
"Saddle my steed," Eligos growled at one of his lieutenants, once he was outside. The lieutenant brought him a flaming skeletal horse with skeletal wings. "I ride to Prince Belial's castle. Send for me there if there if anything important comes up," he said to his aide, and took off into the troubled sky of the demon world.
Eligos bows to Belial
Prince Belial was sitting comfortably back in his chair, smoking a pipe, when Eligos was announced.
"Ah Eligos!" he sneered, "how goes your campaign. Taking your time aren't you?"
"Belial, my prince," Eligos said, as if tasting something nasty. "I come here for precisely that reason. The war against the heavens has taken a bad turn."
"No surprise there," Belial said. "I seem to remember a certain Grand Duke telling the Demon King, may he live in delicious evilness forever, that he would have Cloud Palace within ten days, and Mount Olympus four days after that, not to mention the millions of other places you've spread your troops to. Command, my friend, is a talent, and you do not have it. So, now you come to ask me for help."
"Prince Belial, it would all have gone to plan if the Monkey King and two mortals hadn't interfered."
"Monkey you say…" Belial gasped. "So he interests himself in our affairs again. Tell me, how do you plan to deal with him and his two warriors?"
"I cannot," Eligos looked to the ground and shook his head, "not without your help."
"You shall have it, if you hand over command to me," Belial said silkily.
"Command? I cannot… the…I…"
A red skinned demon with a tail and goatee, wearing about a kilogram of gold and silver chains around his neck, entered the room and whispered into Belial's ear. "I hear the Demon King has promised you a slow death with lots of wiggly giggly wormsie burmsies," Belial laughed. "Which do you prize more Eligos, pride or agony?"
"The Demon King will have to give his countenance."
"Oh he will. Don't worry about that. The Monkey's head is all he cares about now. He is a worthy foe, but has lost most of his power during the passage of time. I don't think he can even lift that stick, he used to fight with, anymore. The true Monkey is dead, living only as a pale reflection in Hearthoff. I shall subdue him easily."
Belial cracked his knuckles. "We might need Leviathan. I shall bring him in. Don't worry your pretty little head over that. We will wait and observe, I need to know more about these two mortals. And then we shall strike…" Belial laughed madly. Eligos politely smiled and added a few faint 'ha ha's for politeness sake, cursing himself inside for ever going to him in the first place. "Ready your troops and storm the gate," Belial commanded.
"I thought we were going to wait and observe," Eligos muttered.
"I said I was going to wait and observe. You however shall mount a full fledged attack against the gate. I need to seem them in action."
"So, I am to be the fodder for your curiosity?"
"Don't fool yourself Eligos. Your motley crew of troops are expendable. Now go, before you provoke me further."
Eligos bowed and left the room, grinding his teeth together in suppressed anger.
Worms Worms Worms Worms Worms Worms
As our three heroes slept, Grand Duke Eligos organized his forces and waited for dawn. Worms, he thought, looking at the ground and seeing imaginary worms everywhere he looked. I can't stand worms, he shuddered. He would be deploying six whole legions against Hearthoff and the two mortals at dawn. He sat on a distant mountaintop, not too far away from the portal. His entourage surrounded him, piling him with questions after questions of the preparations for the upcoming battle. He couldn't answer. All his thoughts were centred on worms.
The sun slowly rose over the horizon dazzling his eyes with its brilliance. It is time, he thought, raising his hand to signal his waiting legions. They marched rhythmically, in perfect time to each other. Line after line of demons followed one another in the direction of the southern gate. Eligos had recalled his troops from all over the world to gather them for this one battle. Belial had demanded that he use no less than six legions.
"Perhaps I'll have time enough then to make observations from the way they crush your inept legions," Belial had said earlier. Eligos spat on the ground and prepared to watch his troops get slaughtered.
Belial soon joined him. "Ah, six legions. At least you can follow orders Eligos," he smiled.
"Just as you commanded, my prince," Eligos growled.
"Right, right. I think I'll stay here. Magnificent view from up here, eh Eligos?"
"Yes my prince" Eligos spat on the ground again. 'Worms,' he thought. Everywhere…worms…Save me, Eligos screamed silently.
A Crackling Hammer and an Enthused Peter
"All right lads, hold steady now. Here they come!" shouted Hearthoff, gazing at the lines of demons in the distance. "Oh my! They seem to be in a hurry today. I wonder what's raised their hackles."
"Maybe they've heard about me," Peter unsheathed his sword and swung it in the air. The blade made a swish noise leaving Peter satisfied. "All right," he said. "I'm all set."
Thomas nodded. "Looks like there are more of them today. Much more. We'll have to stick together with our backs to the gate. Remember, don't let them get behind us. We'll need a clear escape route if things get bad."
"Aye lad. Peter, don't get carried away," Hearthoff patted Peter on the head like he would a favourite son.
The line of demons stopped fifteen yards away from the three, and readied their weapons. Arrows flew through the air, which the three easily dodged with superhuman reflexes.
"That all you got?" Peter shouted, banging his sword against his shield.
With their spears raised, the demons advanced cautiously in their perfect formation. Line after line of them was all that could be seen up to the distant horizon. Hearthoff readied his hammer, whic
h made a 'crackle' sound when he took it out, and glowed an electric blue.
"Never seen it do that before," Thomas said, unsheathing his own sword that was pulsating white light(it was duller than before since he'd forgotten to replace the batteries).
The demon line met the three heroes. The whole first line was destroyed with one gigantic swing of Hearthoff's hammer. The earth trembled and cracks appeared on the ground where Hearthoff stood. The demons fell like a pile of drunken dominos.
After that, the three began to methodically slaughter the demons. They were each about fifteen feet from the other, slowly advancing through the ranks of the demons. Hearthoff stood in the centre, Peter on his left and Thomas on his right. Line after line of the demons was massacred or routed as the three advanced. It was hard work, what with concentrating on dodging arrows, spears and on attacking as well.
"To the air lads, I need a breather," Hearthoff yelled. Thomas and Hearthoff flew into the air, towards the wall.
"Don't worry about me. I can handle this bunch," Peter laughed, cutting off the head of a demon that had unwisely chosen to advance.
Peter ran through the lines of demons ay breakneck speed, sword and shield raised out on either side of him. Multitudes of demons were either hacked or bashed to death. "Come if you dare," Peter laughed at them. The demons routed, fleeing for their lives. "Come back here," Peter shouted, hacking at the ones closest to him. "Well. Maybe attacking the base will be more fun".
Belial Spots a Weakness
Eligos watched his forces run for their lives with dismay. One whole legion destroyed by only three of them, and five legions fleeing for their lives. What manner of creatures were those companions of Hearthoff. They couldn't be mere humans. And that one boy with the dirty face! He was a match for Belial himself.
Belial laughed. "So much for your six veteran legions," he mocked. I predict they will soon attack the camp. I would advise you to marshal your forces and leave through the demon gate as quickly as possible."
"Have you seen enough then?" growled Eligos.
"Yes, I think I have."
"And have you found their weakness?"
"But of course. It is obvious. You, my slow witted friend shall soon see it too. I shall attack tomorrow. Hearthoff and his two mortal friends shall soon be bound in chains, and kneeling before Lucifer, the Morning Star," Belial laughed again.
Half of me wants you to lose and see that smile wiped off your faces, Eligos thought, looking at Belial with anger, but the worms…
The Ku Klutz Klan
The Midgard Serpent gave the orders for the siege of Kita to begin. Their forces were spread thin but, with the humans unable to inflict even the smallest wounds on his demonic army, victory was assured. Sayonara was doing well with the human troops he had amassed. They were mainly there to make his force look bigger than it was. Size and packaging was everything these days. The Midgard Serpent sighed. Sayonara had been of some use to them though, for the raids he was conducting on the other Overseers' fiefdoms. Sayonara had been training them in guerrilla warfare. An