THE STORM DOOR
BY TAD WILLIAMS
Nightingale did not take the first cab he saw when he stepped out into the rainy San Francisco streets. He never did. Some might call it superstition, but in his profession the line between superstitions and rules of survival was rather slender. He stepped back onto the curb to avoid the spray of water as the second cab pulled up in response to his wave. Paranormal investigators didn't make enough money to ruin a pair of good shoes for no reason.
Somebody should have warned me that saving the world from unspeakable horrors is like being a teacher - lots of job satisfaction, but the money's crap.
'Thirty-three Gilman Street,' he told the driver, an ex-hippie on the edge of retirement age, with shoulder-length grey hair straggling out from under his Kangol hat and several silver rings on the fingers holding the wheel. 'It's off Jones. '
'You got it. ' The driver pulled back into traffic, wipers squeaking as city lights smeared and dribbled across the glass beside Nightingale's head. 'Helluva night,' he said. 'I know we need the rain and everything, but . . . shit, man. '
Nathan Nightingale had spent so much of the past week in a small overheated and nearly airless room that he would have happily run through this downpour naked, but he only nodded and said, 'Yeah. Helluva night. '
'Gonna be a lot more before it's over, too. That's what they said. The storm door's open. ' The driver turned down the music a notch. 'Kind of a weird expression, huh? Makes it sound like they're' - he lifted his fingers in twitching monster-movie talons - 'coming to get us. Whooo! I mean, it's just clouds, right? It's nature. '
'This? Yeah, it's just nature,' agreed Nightingale, his thoughts already drawn back to that small room, those clear, calm, terrifying eyes. 'But sometimes even nature can be unnatural. '
'Huh? Oh, yeah, I guess so. Good one. ' But it was clear by his tone that the driver feared he'd missed the point.
'That's it - the tall house there. '
The driver peered out the window. 'Whoa, that's a spooky one, man. You sure you gonna be okay? This is kind of a tough neighborhood. '
'I'll be fine, thanks,' said Nightingale. 'I've been here before; it was kind of my second home. '
'If you say so. ' The driver called just before Nightingale slammed the door, 'Hey, remember about that storm door. Better get an umbrella!'
Nightingale raised his hand as the man drove off. An umbrella. He almost smiled, but the wet night was getting to him. If only all problems were that easy to solve.
As he pressed the button beside the mailbox, lightning blazed overhead, making it seem as though one had caused the other. A moment later the thunder crashed down so near that he did not hear the sound of the door being buzzed open but felt the handle vibrating under his hand.
The light was out in the first- floor stairwell, and no lights were on at all on the second floor, what Uncle Edward called 'the showroom', although no one ever saw it but a few old, trusted collector friends. Enough of the streetlight's glow leaked in that Nightingale could see the strange silhouettes of some of the old man's prize possessions - fetish dolls and funerary votives and terra-cotta tomb statuettes, a vast audience of silent, wide-eyed shapes watching Nightingale climb the stairs. It was an excellent collection, but what made it truly astounding were the stories behind the pieces, most of them dark, many of them horrifying. In fact, it had been his godfather's arcane tales and bizarre trophies that had first lured Nightingale onto his odd career path: at an age when most boys wanted to be football players or firemen, young Nate had decided he wanted to hunt ghosts and fight demons. Later, when others were celebrating their first college beer-busts, Nightingale had already attended strange ceremonies on high English moors and deep in Thai jungles and Louisiana bayous. He had heard languages never shaped for the use of human tongues, had seen men die for no reason and others live when they should have been dead. But through the years, when the unnatural things he saw and felt and learned overwhelmed him, he always came back here for his godfather's advice and support. This was one of those times. In fact, this was probably the worst time he could remember.
Strangely, the third floor of the house was dark, too.
'Edward? Uncle Edward? It's me, Nathan. Are you here?' Had the old man forgotten he was coming and gone out with his caretaker Jenkins somewhere? God forbid, a medical emergency . . . Nightingale stopped to listen. Was that the quiet murmuring of the old man's breathing machine?
Something stirred on the far side of the room, and his hackles rose; his hand strayed to his inside coat pocket. A moment later the desk lamp clicked on, revealing the thin, lined face of his godfather squinting against the sudden light. 'Oh,' Edward said, taking a moment to find the air to speak. 'Guh-goodness! Nate, is that you? I must have dozed off. When did it get so dark?'
Relieved, Nightingale went to the old man and gave him a quick hug, being careful not to disturb the tracheotomy cannula or the ventilator tubes. As always, Edward Arvedson felt like little more than a suit full of bones, but somehow he had survived in this failing condition for almost a decade. 'Where's Jenkins?' Nightingale asked. 'It gave me a start when I came up and the whole house was dark. '
'Oh, I had him take the night off, poor fellow. Working himself to death. Pour me a small sherry, will you? - there's a good man - and sit down and tell me what you've learned. There should be a bottle of Manzanilla already open. No, don't turn all those other lights on. I find I'm very sensitive at the moment. This is enough light for you to find your way to the wet bar, isn't it?'
Nightingale smiled. 'I could find it without any light at all, Uncle Edward. '
When he'd poured a half glass for the old man and a little for himself as well, Nightingale settled into the chair facing the desk and looked his mentor up and down. 'How are you feeling?'
Arvedson waved a dismissive hand. 'Fine, fine. Never felt better. And now that we're done with that nonsense, tell me your news, Nate. What happened? I've been worrying ever since you told me what you thought was going on. '
'Well, it took me a while to find a volunteer. Mostly because I was trying to avoid publicity, you know, all that "Nightingale, Exorcist to the Stars" nonsense. '
'You shouldn't have changed your name: it sounds like a Hollywood actor now. Your parents wouldn't have approved, anyway. What was wrong with Natan Naktergal? It was good enough for your father. '
He smiled. 'Too old country, Uncle Edward. Remember, being well- known gets me into a lot of places. It also leads people to misjudge me. '
Arvedson made a face. He still hadn't touched his sherry. 'Fine. I'm also old country, I suppose. I should be grateful you even visit. Tell me what happened. '
'I'm trying to. As I said, it wouldn't have done to recruit just anyone. Ideally, I needed someone with special training, but who gets trained for something like this? I figured that my best bet was through my Tibetan contacts. Tibetan Buddhists spend years studying the Bardo Thodol, preparing to take the journey of dying, which gave me a much larger group to choose from. I finally settled on a man in Seattle named Geshe, who had pancreatic cancer. He'd refused pain relief, and the doctors felt certain he only had a few days left when I met him, but he was remarkably calm and thoughtful. I told him what I wanted and why, and he said yes. '
'So you had found your . . . what was your word? Your "necronaut". '
Nightingale nodded. 'That's what I called it before I met Geshe - it sounded better than "mineshaft canary". After I got to know him it, it seemed a little glib. But he was precisely the sort of person I was looking for - a man trained almost since childhood to die with his eyes and mind open. '
Lightning flashed and a peal of thunder shivered the windows. In the wake, another wash of rain splattered against the glass. 'Filthy weather,' said Arvedson. 'Do you want another drink before you start? You'll have to get it yourself, of course, sinc
e we don't have Jenkins. '
'No, I'm fine. ' Nightingale stared at his glass. 'I'm just thinking. ' Lightning flashed again, and so he waited for the thunder before continuing. 'You remember how this started, of course. Those earliest reports of spontaneous recovery by dying patients. Well, it didn't seem like anything I needed to pay attention to. But then that one family whose daughter went into sudden remission from leukemia after the last rites had already been said-'
'I remember. Very young, wasn't she? Nine?'
'Yes, a few weeks before her tenth birthday. But of course what caught my attention was when the parents started claiming it wasn't their daughter at all, that she'd changed in ways that no illness could explain. But when I got in to see the child, she was asleep, and although she looked surprisingly healthy compared to my general experience with possession cases, I couldn't get any kind of feeling from her one way or another. When I tried to contact the family a few days later, they'd moved and no one could find them.
'There were others too, too many to be coincidence, most of them unknown to the general public. The greatest hindrance in these situations is the gutter press, of course: Any real study, let alone any chance to help the victims and their families, is destroyed by the sort of circus they create. These days, with television and the Internet, it's even worse. If I don't strenuously keep my comings and goings a secret, I wind up with cameras in my face following me everywhere and looking over my shoulder. '
'They are vermin,' said Edward Arvedson with feeling.
'In any case, when I talked to you, I had just learned of an accident victim in Minnesota who had recovered from a coma and, like the girl in Southern California, seemed to have undergone a complete personality shift. He had been a mild and soft-spoken churchgoer, but now he was a violent, alcoholic bully. His wife of twenty-four years had divorced him; his children no longer saw him. The front yard of his house in Bloomington was a wreck, and when he opened the door, the stink of rot and filth just rolled out. I only saw him for a few seconds through the chain on his front door, but what I witnessed was definitely madness, a sort of . . . emotionless focus that I've only seen in the criminally insane. That doesn't prove anything, of course. Brain damage can do that, and he'd certainly been badly injured. But he recognized me. '
'You told me when you called,' said Arvedson. 'I could tell it upset you. '
'Because it wasn't like he'd seen my picture in the Enquirer, but like he knew me. Knew me and hated me. I didn't stay there long, but it wasn't just seeing the Minnesota victim that threw me. I'd never heard of possessions happening at this rate, or to people so close to death. It didn't make sense!'
'It has my attention, too,' Edward said. 'But what I want to hear now is what happened with your Buddhist gentleman. '
Nightingale let out a breath. He swallowed the last of his sherry. 'Right. Well, Geshe was a very interesting man, an artist and a teacher. I wish I could have met him at a different time, but even in our short acquaintance he impressed me and I liked him. That's why what happened was so disturbing.
'He had checked out of the hospital to die at home. He'd lost his wife a few years earlier and they'd had no children, so although some of his students and colleagues came by to sit with him from time to time, at the end there was only his friend Joseph, an American Buddhist, and the hospice nurse who checked in on him once a day. And me, of course. Geshe and I didn't speak much - he had to work too hard to manage the pain - but as I said, he impressed me. During the long days in his apartment, I spent a great deal of time looking at his books and other possessions, which is as good a way to get to know someone as talking with them. Also, I saw many of his own works of art, which may be an even better way to learn about another human being. He made beautiful Buddhist thangkas, meditation paintings.
'As Geshe began to slip away, Joseph read the Bardo Thodol to him. I've never spent much time studying it, myself. I think that hippie- ish Tibetan Book of the Dead reputation put me off when I was younger, and these days I don't really need to know the nuts and bolts of any particular religious dogma to work with the universal truths behind them all. But I have to say that hearing it and living with it, even as Geshe was dying with it, opened my eyes. '
'There is great truth at the heart of all the great faiths,' Arvedson said solemnly.
'Yes, but what I truly came to admire was the calmness of the people who wrote the bardos - the practicality, I suppose, is the best word. It's a very practical book, the Bardo Thodol. A road map. A set of travel tips. "Here's what's going to happen now that you're dead. Do this. Don't do that. Everything will be okay. " Except that this time it wasn't.
'The famous teacher Chogyam Trungpa Rinpoche said the best thing we can do for the dying and the newly dead is maintain an atmosphere of calmness, and that's certainly what Geshe seemed to have around him at the end. It was raining outside most of that week, but quietly. Joseph read the bardos over and over while he and I took turns holding Geshe's hand. With my special sensitivities, I was beginning to sense something of what he was sensing - the approach of the Great Mystery, the crossing, whatever you want to call it - and of course it troubled me deep down in my bones and guts. But Geshe wasn't frightened in the least. All those years of training and meditation had prepared him.
'It was fascinating to see how the dying soul colors the experience, Uncle Edward. As I said, I have never delved too deeply into Tibetan Buddhism, yet the version of dying I experienced through Geshe was shaped so strongly by that tradition that I could not feel it any other way. It was as real as you and I sitting here in the dark, listening to the wind and the rain. ' Nightingale paused for a moment while the storm rattled the windows of the old house. 'The thousands of gods, which are one god, which is the light of the universe . . . I can't explain. But touching Geshe's thoughts as he began his journey - although I felt only the barest hint of what he felt - was like riding a roller coaster through a kaleidoscope, but simultaneously falling through an endless, dark, silent void. '
' "When your body and mind separate, the dharmata will appear, pure and clear yet hard to discern, luminous and brilliant, with terrifying brightness, shimmering like a mirage on a plain,"' Arvedson quoted. 'At least, that's what the bardo says. ' 'Yes. ' Nightingale nodded. 'I remember hearing it then and understanding it clearly, even though the words I heard were Tibetan. Joseph had begun the Chikkhai bardo, you see - the bardo of dying. In the real world, as we sometimes think of it, Geshe had sunk so far into himself he was no longer visibly breathing. But I was not really beside him in that little room in Seattle, although I could still hear Joseph's voice. Most of me was inside - deep in the experience of death with Geshe.
'I could feel him, Uncle Edward, and in a way I could see what he saw, hear what he heard, although those aren't quite the right words. As the voices of people I did not know echoed around us - mostly Geshe's friends and relations and loved ones, I suspect, for I do not think he had many enemies - he and I traveled together through a misty forest. It seemed to me a bit like some of the wild lands of the Pacific Northwest, but more mountainous, as if some of Geshe's Tibetan heritage was seeping through as well. '
'Climbing,' said Edward Arvedson quietly.
'Yes, the part of the afterlife journey the Egyptians called "the Ladder" and the Aztecs thought of as the beginning of the soul's four-year journey to Mictlan. I've never dared hold a connection with a dying soul as long as I did with Geshe, and going so deep frightened me, but his calm strength made it possible. We did not speak, of course - his journey, his encounters, were his alone, as each of ours will be someday - but I felt him there beside me as the dark drew in.
'I won't tell you everything I experienced now, but I will tell you someday soon, because it was a researcher's dream come true - the death experience almost firsthand. To make the story short, we passed through the first darkness and saw the
first light, which the bardos call the soft light of the gods and which they counsel the dead soul to avoid. It was very attractive, like a warm fire to someone lost in the night, and I was feeling very cold, very far from comfort and familiar things - and remember, I had a body to go back to! I can only imagine what it seemed like to Geshe, who was on a one-way journey, but he resisted it. The same with what the bardo calls the "soft light of the hell-beings". I could feel him yearning toward it, and even to me it seemed soothing, alluring. In the oldest Tibetan tradition, the hot hells are full of terrors - forests of razor-leaved trees, swamps bobbing with decomposing corpses - but these aspects are never seen until it's too late, until the attractions of one's own greed and anger have pulled the dying soul off the path.
'But Geshe overcame these temptations and kept on moving toward the harsher light of truth. He was brave, Edward, so brave! But then we reached the smoky yellow light, the realm of what the bardo calls pretas-'
'The hungry ghosts. '
'Yes, the hungry ghosts. Found in almost every human tradition. Those who did not go on. Those who can't let go of anger, hatred, obsession . . . '
'Perhaps simply those who want more life,' Arvedson suggested.
Nightingale shook his head. 'That makes them sound innocent, but they're far from that. Corpse-eating jikininki, ancient Rome's lemures, the grigori of the Book of Enoch - almost every human tradition has them. Hell, I've met them, although never in their own backyard like this. You remember that thing that almost killed me in Freiberg?'
'I certainly do. '
'That was one of them, hitchhiking a ride in a living body. Nearly ripped my head off before I got away. I still have the scars. '
The nighttime city waited now between waves of the storm. For a moment it was quiet enough in the room for Nightingale to hear the fan of his godfather's ventilator.
'In any case, that smoky yellow light terrified me. The bardo says it's temptation itself, that light, but maybe it didn't tempt me because I wasn't dying. Instead it just made me feel frightened and sick, if you can be sick without a body. I could barely sense Geshe, but I knew he was there and experiencing something very different. Instead of continuing toward the brilliant white light of compassion, as the bardo instructed, this very compassionate man seemed to hesitate. The yellow light was spreading around us like something toxic diffusing through water. Geshe seemed confused, stuck, as though he fought against a call much stronger than anything I could sense. I could feel something else too, something alien to both of us, cold and strong and . . . yes, and hungry. God, I've never sensed hunger like that, a bottomless need like the empty chill of space sucking away all living warmth. '
Nightingale sat quietly for a long moment before he spoke again. 'But then, just when I was fighting hardest to hang on to my connection to Geshe, it dissolved and he was gone. I'd lost touch with him. The yellow light was all around me, strange and greasy . . . repulsive, but also overwhelming.
'I fell out. No, it was more like I was shoved. I tumbled back into the real world, back into my body. I couldn't feel Geshe any more. Joseph had stopped reading the Chikkhai bardo and was staring in alarm. Geshe's body, which hadn't moved or showed any signs of life in some time, was suddenly in full-on Cheyne-Stokes respiration, chest hitching, body jerking: he almost looked like he was convulsing. But Joseph swore to me later on that Geshe had stopped breathing half an hour earlier, and I believe him.
'A moment later Geshe's eyes popped open. I've seen stranger things, but it still startled me. He had been dead, Uncle Edward, really dead, I swear he had. Now he was looking at me - but it wasn't Geshe any more. I couldn't prove it, of course, but I had touched this man's soul, traveled with him as he passed over, the most intimate thing imaginable, and this just wasn't him.
'"No, I will not die yet," he said. The voice sounded like his, but strong, far too strong for someone who had been in periodic breathing only a minute earlier. "There are still things for me to do on this earth," he said. It was the eyes, though. That same cold, flat stare that I'd seen through the doorway in Minnesota, the one I've seen before in other possession cases, but there was none of the struggle I'd seen in classic possession, no sense of the soul and body fighting against an interloper. One moment it was Geshe, a spiritual man, an artist; the next moment it was . . . someone else. Someone as cold and detached as a textbook sociopath.
'He closed his eyes then and slept, or pretended to, but already he looked healthier than he had since I met him. I couldn't tell Joseph that I thought his friend was possessed - what a horrible thing to say to someone already dealing with several kinds of trauma! - and I didn't know what else to do, what to think. I sat there for most of an hour, unable to think of anything to do. At last, when the nurse came and began dealing with this incredible turn of medical events, I went out to get a drink. All right, I had a few, then went home and slept like a dead man myself.
'I should never have left them, Edward. When I went back the next day, the apartment was empty. A few weeks later I received an e-mail from Joseph - or at least from Joseph's address - saying that after his miraculous recovery, Geshe wanted to travel to Tibet, the place of his heritage. I've never heard from either of them since. '
The lightning, absent for almost a quarter of an hour, suddenly flared, turning the room into a flat tableau of black-and-white shapes. The thunder that followed seemed to rock the entire building. The light on Edward Arvedson's desk flickered once, then went out, as did the lights on his ventilator. Through the windows Nightingale could see the houses across the street had gone black as well. He jumped up, suddenly cold all over. His father's oldest friend and his own most trusted advisor was about to die of asphyx