I cannot describe bliss. The best cannot be explained in words.
Chapter 45: Sunrise
It is the morning of our love. We had fallen asleep holding each other against the cold of the night. We are together as one; our arms wrapped tightly, our legs entangled. One body, one heart, one soul. I am no longer only myself. I am no longer alone. In this package of minutes there is this we. Together we are whole. How beautiful.
I awake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving. The rose of morning blooms in the East. Sadly, sadly, the sun begins to rise. I say sadly because its light seems dim against the brilliance within me. Even now, dark clouds threaten to overwhelm the meager light. But forth one wavelet, then another curls till the whole sunrise, not to be suppressed rises, reddens, grows gold, then overflows the world.
God must have loved the silence, for he laid a stillness on the sunset and the dawn. God, I think, is best at creating in the morning. I can hear a butterfly stirring in the tiny soul of a caterpillar.
Within this silence, my life is changing. Today new born from all of my yesterdays lies in my cupped hand. Everything is perfect. At this second, my life is the thing we long for, that we are for one transcendent moment, before the present, poor and bare can make its sneering comment.
This is what I’ve been looking for.
Mary awoke and all beauty faded next to hers. The world ceased to exist, in the second her eyes met mine. She was all I could see. Love all love of other sight controls. For lovers, love is the whole world.
Then comes the compromise, bodies resume their boundaries. I became myself again. “We must return to the others,” she said.
If you have tears, friends, prepare to shed them now. We left our place of happiness. She said nothing. Three words remain unheard. I felt this was important in some way, but I tried to block it out. I have learned that the greatest evil is to know the truth before it is the truth.
We found the others. She sees Simon and hesitates. “Mary,” he shouts, “I was so worried.” He goes to her, “I am so sorry,” he says, taking her hand. “It doesn’t matter,” she says staring into his eyes. “I love you,” he says as they embrace. “I love you too,” she says as they kiss.
How bitter a thing it is to look into happiness through another man’s eyes. I cannot do anything. I am invisible because she refuses to see me. For lovers, love is the whole world.
Chapter 46: Dusk
Nothing is changed, except there was a moment when I believed my life could change. When I imagined someone could love me. Such empty hope is now gone.
Every look she gives me says, “Don’t ask me for the same love. I am yesterday, I am gone from you forever.”
Life goes not backwards, nor tarries with yesterday. Summer sang in me a little while, but sings no more. Stay broken and slain my spirit, do not look to dead hopes for salvation.
Therefore, dear Father, I want to thank you for the great joy I experienced today.
Chapter 47: Insanity
Mary. Canım. Aşkım. Güneşim. Meleğim. Nefissin. Senin sevgin olmadan yaşayamam. Aşkın olmadan mutlu olamam. Seni her zaman seveceğim.
(My Sweetheart, My Love, My sun, My angel. You are so heavenly. I can’t live without your love. There’s no happiness without your love. I will always love you.)
Chapter 48: Killer
“I need to talk to you,” Simon said.
For a week I had waited for this, dreaded this. For a week, we avoided each other, but it was unavoidable now.
We walked away from the others, but we were really fleeing Mary. Both of us were afraid of her-perhaps needlessly.
After we stopped, I kept silent and waited for him to speak.
“I just want to know what happened. You know between you and Mary.”
“Why don’t you ask her?”
“I tried. She won’t tell me. I think she wants me to assume the worst.”
“So you want to know if she betrayed you like you betrayed her?”
Simon looked hurt, “That was different. I didn’t love that other girl.”
“Well, Mary doesn’t love me either.”
“I’m not so sure. Anyway, I know you love her. Please, tell me what happened.”
“Nothing happened. We just kissed. Then we fell asleep. That is all.”
Simon was relieved. “Thank you. I don’t know why but this is difficult for me.”
“What?”
“Being in love with her. I’ve never been in love with anyone before. Every day she brings me something new.”
“So you are in love with her?”
“Maybe, I don’t know. Yes, I think, at least for now. But I’m tired, tired and frustrated because I don’t know if my love is real. If it was I would let her go.”
“Why?”
“She would be happier with you. You would be better for her than me.”
“Why do you say that?”
Simon rubbed his eyes, “Have you ever killed anyone?”
“No, why have you?”
“Not directly, but yes. People seem to die around me. Not like physically dead.”
“I understand, I was dead before Jacob found me.”
“Me too, but I’m still afraid I’ll kill others. I try not to but it just seems to happen. It’s not my fault. You understand.”
“Not really.”
“I’m afraid I’ll kill her by accident. If my love ends then she’ll die. I want my love to last forever, but I just don’t see that happening. Is it possible to love someone forever? I think my current record is about three months.”
“It is possible. Real love stories don’t have endings.”
“Thank you. You are my only real friend. I’m sorry I already killed you.”
“It isn’t your fault.”
Chapter 49: Arrival
To Carthage then I came. Carthage, Rome, Babylon. This evil city has three names. We had arrived. Our journey ended.
On the surface, Carthage seemed like a moral city. People appeared affluent, kind, and well dressed. There was very little crime and almost everyone attended a church.
A sweet city, bleak, God knows, but sweet, sometimes. The streets were clean and great buildings scraped the sky with their arrogant tops. Although recently built, these buildings gave off a sense of ancient wisdom. One building surpassed all the rest in beauty and terror, sending out a shining signal that religion ruled this city. For a great religion had its base and held sway in Carthage.
On the surface, Carthage and its people were beautiful. Underneath, where reality dwells, the city was venerated only for its ugliness.
The people of Carthage are great hypocrites. All people, of course, are hypocrites but those in Carthage are the true masters. They say they are very moral, but they fear the world. They fear life and living. Above all, they fear temptation and the real moral struggles within. Therefore, they outlaw all things that might cause them to fall into sin.
One who is never tempted cannot be moral. The easier it is to fall into sin, the more praiseworthy is the person who avoids it. If sin itself is outlawed, or difficult to find, no one can be moral. Unless we can choose between good and evil, we can never be good.
The people of Carthage avoid evil by outlawing it. The Church of Carthage fears the dangers of freewill and thereby loses the needed benefits of freewill.
This is especially damaging to the children of Carthage who never have a chance to bring good out of evil. By shutting off temptation, the people of Carthage sacrifice their children.
The Carthaginian Church is the cause of this evil, because it controls the people. The Church decrees the laws and punishes, usually through shame, the lawbreakers. Under the guise of religion, the rapacious church takes in millions of dollars a year, not through donations, but by running the secular institutions of the city even down to the TV stations. In this way, the Church effects full control over the citizens’ lives, believer and nonbeliever alike. Blind
ed by the hope of advancing its spiritual interests, the church has entangled itself with the responsibilities of temporal power. The world drags it into sin. To compensate for this, the Church is often forced to change even its most basic beliefs in order to pretend that it is not what it really is.
We have come to save this city, and with it the world, even if we have to destroy it. Carthage is evil but it must be saved.
Chapter 50: Love
As soon as we arrived, Jacob began to preach, “We all know God should be worshipped in faith, hope, and love. Only through these three things can we understand God and His plan for each of us.”
“Love is, by far, the greatest. We cannot know God through faith and hope if love is absent. When we ask whether someone is a good man, we are not asking what he believes, or hopes, but what he loves. Look deep within yourself and recognize what brings life and grace into your heart. Love. You must share this love with everyone. You are loved by God. This is an inspiration to love.”
“True faith can come only from love. It is the heart which perceives God, not the reason. That is what faith is. Therefore, faith is love and love is faith.”
“Hope cannot exist without love. Love knows no limit to its endurance, no end to its trust. Love, like hope, still stands when all else has fallen. Thus, love is hope and hope, love.”
“Without love, faith and hope are useless. He who does not love believes in vain, even if what he believes is true; he hopes in vain, even if what he hopes for is generally agreed to pertain to true happiness, unless he believes and hopes for this: that he may through prayer obtain the gift of love. For, although it is true that he cannot hope without love, it may be that there is something without which, if he does not love it, he cannot realize the object of his hopes.”
“Love has destroyed the world, only love can rebuild it. Selfish love, not hate, is the enemy of true love. We must learn to love our neighbor rather than ourselves. The Christian ideal has not been tried and found wanting, it has been found difficult and left untried. Let us try it. Love conquers all things; let us too surrender to love.”
“I know some of you are afraid and, I admit, there will be pain. Have faith and cherish hope. You never lose by loving, you only lose by holding back. Remember, it is better to break one’s heart than to do nothing with it.”
Chapter 51: Roads
One day, while Jacob was preaching, a group of Carthaginian priests began to question him. They were afraid because Jacob was making many converts and they needed to turn the people against him.
“You speak,” one of the priests said, “only in general terms. Do you believe it is necessary for a person to belong to a particular religion or group to attain salvation? If not, are all groups the same?”
The priests raised this question because almost all the listeners were followers of Carthaginian Christianity, which held no one could obtain salvation without following the strict code of the Carthaginian Church. The priests hoped Jacob’s answer would turn the people against him.
Jacob was prepared to answer this question, “You believe in freewill do you not?”
“Of course,” the priests answered.
“God’s gift of freewill is not limited, for God is a cheerful giver. He does not force us to choose between ‘Yes or No,’ but gives us many avenues to seek salvation because He wants all of us to come to Him.”
“What do you mean?” one priest asked.
“God has given us charge over our own souls. He allows us to work out our own salvation. He does not require us to seek salvation by only one path. In this world, there are many different roads that all lead to the same destination. There are many paths to the top of the mountain, but the view is always the same. Heaven too, is a palace with many doors, and each may enter in his own way.”
“Any path is as good as another?” the priests growled.
“God wants us all to find Him but He doesn’t care how. A man is allowed to follow the road he wishes to pursue. All roads that lead to God are good.”
The priests frowned, “Do our scriptures not say we may be saved only through Jesus?”
“Do the scriptures not also say, “My house shall be called a house of prayer for all peoples? Have we not all one father? Has not one God created us?”
“Yes,” the people cheered.
“God has created many religions to bring us to him. All of them are ordained of God and are a reflection of his will and purpose. The Lord our God is one. So what of all these titles, names, and words? They are mere worldly conventions.”
“We disagree,” the priests said, “only through the Carthaginian Church may salvation be attained.”
“No, God would not be so cruel. Life is not a multiple-choice test; it is more like an essay. Those who praise only their own doctrines and disparage the doctrines of others do not solve any problem. If you must have a sect, let mankind be your sect, for we are all members of one and other.”
The people cheered and the priests left in anger.
Chapter 52: Rain
“We have been speaking of the true religion. Please consider this story which was first written by Rosa Marinoni.”
A small girl was sitting at her mother’s bedside. Her mother was dying and the girl was afraid.
“Mommy,” she said, “what will I do when you die?”
The mother began to cry, “Pray to God and find your people. They will take care of you.”
“But who am I, and who are my people?” the girl asked.
“Your people are beautiful like the night and ugly like the sun.”
“Where are my people?” the girl asked.
The mother did not respond for she was already dead.
The girl followed her mother’s instructions and sought her people. She first went to other members of her family.
“Are you my people?” she asked.
“No,” the family told her, “we are too poor to take you in.”
Next, the girl went to a place where they spoke her language.
“Are you my people?” she asked.
Although the people understood her, they pretended not to hear.
Finally, she went to her church.
“Are you my people?” she asked the worshippers.
All felt sorry for the girl. They prayed for her, but none would answer their prayers.
She left the church and traveled out into the pouring rain. On a street corner, she met an old man who was not of her family, who did not speak her language, and who did not follow her religion.
He offered her the protection of his tattered umbrella.
Then she knew.
Chapter 53: Miracles
One day, while Jacob was preaching, a great fight broke out among the crowd. Some began to proclaim him as the Messiah. Others shouted them down arguing Jacob could not be the Messiah because he had never performed a miracle.
Taking advantage of the situation, some non-believers and priests questioned Jacob, “Listen to what they are saying. Perform a miracle for us and we will all believe you are the Messiah.”
“You want me to perform a miracle,” Jacob asked the crowd.
“Yes,” the crowd shouted and many crippled people came forth begging Jacob to heal them. One man, who had lost his arms in a war, ascended to Jacob, dropped to the ground, and kissed his feet.
“Heal me Lord,” he said, “I do not deserve this misery.”
Jacob placed his hands on the man’s head, “Your sins are forgiven.”
Everyone waited, but nothing happened.
“You see,” a priest crowed, “he cannot perform miracles.”
“Yes, I can,” Jacob said, “which is easier to say, ‘Your sins are forgiven,’ or ‘Pick up your mat and walk.”
“Anyone can say empty words,” the armless man said, “let us see some proof of your divinity.”
“No.”
“He can’t,” the priest said again in delight.
“I can,” Jacob said,
“but I refuse.”
“Why?” someone from the crowd shouted.
“If I could not perform miracles, I would have no power from God. Therefore, I say that I can perform any type of miracle. I could even raise the dead from their graves.”
“Let us see it,” someone called out.
Jacob ignored him. “I refuse because if I did perform a miracle there would be no reason for faith. You would know what I was, but you would not have faith. Even when Christ and the others performed miracles, not everyone had faith. I perform no miracles so that your faith may be strong. Besides, who makes much of a miracle? I know of nothing else but miracles.”
Because of these words and Jacob’s refusal, many ceased to believe.
Chapter 54: Understanding
The next day, Jacob again taught about miracles.
“Yesterday,” Jacob said, “I told you why I refuse to perform what you term ‘miracles.’ Since some of you still don’t understand, I need to teach you through stories.”
“Consider this story,” Jacob said.
There once lived a man named Yugong. For most of his life, he was very blessed. He had a loving wife, happy children, and many friends.
His happiness changed to sadness when a great storm knocked down his house killing his wife and children. In his time of great need, his friends refused to help him because they believed God had cursed him.
Already dying of misery, Yugong decided to kill himself. He went on a journey to the ocean. His wife had loved the ocean, and he wanted to see it once more before he died.
Yugong climbed a tree to hang himself. He saw something yellow hanging in the tree that he did not recognize. “What is this?” he asked himself aloud.
“That is a banana,” a voice floated up from below, “it is a delicious fruit. Just peel off the skin and eat it.”
Yugong decided to trust the voice. What did he have to lose? He peeled off the skin, dropped it to the ground, and ate the banana. It was delicious yet strange.